Hamlet Abridged- Episode 4: The Super Nefarious Council of Evil
Characters-
Horatio: Is still here for some reason. But is also still sexy.
Hamlet: The protag. And sexy.
Laertes: Is he truly Danish or Italian? Or both? Italish.
Claudius: The big bad. And not sexy.
Ophelia: The ebonics'd noble woman.
Part 1-
(on the docks)
Horatio: (sighs) It's been almost two weeks since Hamlet's been gone. It seems like there's a lot going on right now, what with Ophelia's raging insanity after her dad's death.
(cuts to Ophelia break dancing)
Ophelia: Y'all gonna make me loose my mind! Up in here! Up in here!
(cuts back to Horatio at the docks)
Horatio: My missing Jaffa cakes.
(cuts to Horatio looking in the fridge)
Horatio: Godamnit, who ate my Jaffa cakes?
(sees a note from Hamlet that reads "IOU" with a heart above the I)
Horatio: Godamnit
(cuts back to Horatio)
Horatio: (sighs) It seems like so much is changing. On minute you-
Random Guy: Who are you talking to?
Horatio: Oh, no one. I'm just having a siloquey.
Random Guy: What's that?
Horatio: It's like a monologue where a character laments their thoughts to the audience.
Random Guy: That sounds fucking stupid.
Horatio: You're fucking stupid!
Random Guy: Woah, cool your jets, bro!
(random guy exits)
Horatio: Asshole (hears music)
Hamlet: (in the distance, singing) Rock your body!
Horatio: Wait a second...
Hamlet: (music draws closer) Rock your body!
Horatio: Is that who I think it is?
Hamlet: (next to him) Rock your body right! Hamlet's back, alright!
Horatio: Holy crap, you made it back!
Hamlet: Hell yeah I did. Let's go to a bar as I tell you my many tales.
Part 2-
(cuts to Hamlet and Horatio at a bar)
Horatio: So what happened?
Hamlet: (sings a modified version of the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Theme) Well, this a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute, so just sit right there
about how I became the prince of a country called Denmark
In West Copenhagen, born and raised, the school is where I spent most my days
And then a dickbag king, who was up to no good, started causin' problems in the country
I stabbed a guy and my mom got scared and said "Piss off to England, you friggin' weirdo"
Horatio: Yeah, I know that part, I meant whatever happened to that whole pirate subplot. Also, you're not rhymming
Hamlet: Oh, well, I was with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern on that ship when I found this (pulls out a peice of paper). A letter to the King of England asking him to kill me. Thanfully, I forged a letter asking the king to kill Crantzy and Sterny instead.
Horatio: Aw, really, they were funny
Hamlet: No they were not!
Horatio: So then what?
Hamlet: Well I swam away and found a pirate ship that was kind enough to bring me home.
(cuts to Hamlet on a pirate ship)
Hamlet: So who were you guys again?
Captain: I'm Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates!
Hamlet: I find your voice annoying but I enjoy you're silly antics. Except the G8 arc, I mean holy shit. Also, can you give me the number of that dude with 3 swords. I'd like to give him 3 swords. Ha! Phallic imagery joke!
Hamlet Narrarating: And so they returned me to Denmark
(cuts back to the bar)
Horatio: That seems inpossible, but I'm just glad to have you back.
Hamlet: Yep, good to be back in your strong, sexy arms.
Horatio: Yeah, (pause) wait, what?
Hamlet: Oh, um, hey what ever happened to Fortinbras?
(cuts to Fortinbras sailing on a ship)
Fortinbras: (singing a modified version of "Thrift Shop") I'm gonna invade Denmark
The whole Polish thing was a diversion
I'm gonna usurp the Danish crown
This is a fucking spoiler
Part 3-
(Claudius in the courtyard)
Claudius: (sighs) It's been almost 2 weeks since Hamlet left. It seems like there-
Messanger: Sir, I have a report!
Claudius: God, what is it now?
Messanger: It's Laertes, sir
Claudius: Wait, you mean the minor character from episode 2? The one that spoke in the Italian accent which no one though was funny?
Messanger: The same, sir. Apparently he's amassed an army to kill you.
Claudius: What the shit? Why me?
Messanger: He thinks you killed Polonius.
(a group of people burst through the door carrying weapons and torches)
Crowd: You killed Polonius!
Claudius: I didn't kill Polonius!
Crowd: He didn't kill Polonius!
(the crowd leaves as Laertes enters)
Laetes: (still talking in a Italian accent) You-a killed my papa, you sonuva not very nice lady!
Claudius: Ok, how is it whenever someone dies they blame it on me! First it's the king then-
Laertes: Cosa?
Claudius: What?
Laertes: It-a means what
Claudius: I know what "what" means, I meant what did you say?
Laetes: No-a, I just-a thought you said-a something about the dead king
Claudius: Nope, that is a fallacy
Laetes: Are you-a sure? I thought-
Claudius: No, no, you're drinking whacky juice
Laertes: No, I'm-a not drinkin' the juice of de whack
Claudius: I assure you that you are. You're just as crazy as Ophelia.
Laertes: Wait, what's-a wrong with-a my sister?
(enter Ophelia break dancing)
Ophelia: It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time. It's tricky! Tricky, tricky, tricky!
Laertes: My-a dear sister! What-a happened to you?
Ophelia: Yo yo! muh mothu fuckin' handsome brudda, what chew trippin' foo?
Leartes: Why do you-a talk in this-a crazy way-a? Che chazzo?
Claudius: (glaring at Laertes) Are you fucking kidding me?
Ophelia: Yo, ah be going to hang out near da spring, otay buh-weet?
(exit Ophelia)
Claudius: Listen to me Laertes. Hamlet killed Polonius.
Laertes: Cosa? How is that possible?
Claudius: He stabbed him. In, like, a vital artery.
Laertes: I meant-a why did he-a kill my papa?
Claudius: I don't know, I guess he's just an asshole
Laertes: I have-a to avenge my papa!
Claudius: I agree (to messanger) assemble the council!
(some time later)
Claudius: Alright, now that the The Super Nefarious Council of Evil has been assembled let's do a roll call. Magneto?
Magneto: Here.
Claudius: Marik Ishtar?
Marik: Present.
Laertes: It's-a pretty risky having a character here that's-a already been-a parodied.
Claudius: Liquid Snake?
Liquid Snake: Here.
Marik: Wait, weren't you a good guy in MGS V?
Magneto: Wait, I thought he was the guy from the first game who was all like "did you like my sunglasses?"
Liquid Snake: Ah, well that's an interesting story, see-
Claudius: Enough! We aren't here to discuss our convoluted plotlines! We are here to crush Hamlet!
Magneto: With metal!
Liquid Snake: With diologue!
Marik: With card games!
Laertes: (speaking in a low and gruff voice. No Italian) By tearing his godamn throat out as we watch him crawl and beg for his pathetic life.
Magneto and Liquid Snake: Woah, woah
Marik: Yeah, chill the fuck out dude
Messanger: Sir! Hamlet's returned!
Claudius: Wait, how long have you been standing here?
Messanger: Well, you never told me not to stand here
Cludius: Fair enough.
Laertes: Look-a, why don't-a I just challenge him in a duel and stab him a bunch-a.
Claudius: Yeah, and we can cover your sword in poison, in order to add insult to injury
Magneto: In this case, addaing death to even more death
Laertes: We could-a probably poison his-a drink, too. Just-a to make sure he really punches-a the bottle
Claudius: Do you mean kick the can?
Laertes: Si
Messanger: Sir! Ophelia just drowned
Claudius: Fuck me, how?
Messanger: Um, well...
(cuts to the messanger standing outisde near the spring)
Messanger: 103, 104, aaan 105! Damn, you were right you can hold your breath for that long.
Opehlia:...
Messanger: Oh, shit
(cuts back)
Messanger: She, uh, committed suicide or something.
Claudius: What do you mean "or something"? Was she just like "I am going to die now"? Or in that fruitcake's case, she would of said "Imma shank myself nig-
Laertes: (non-Italian anger) That motherfucker Hamlet! I'll gut him like a godamn fish!
(Laertes storms off)
Claudius: Christ, I'd better go after him. Nothing is worse than a greiving Italian.
Marik: I thought he was Danish. Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone is supposed to be Danish.
(Claudius exits)
Liquid: So, wait, were we all just here for the sake of a bad joke?
Magneto: Well, there's been references to One Peice, Metal Gear Solid, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I don't think we can get any lower unless we have a Star Wars reference.
(enter Kylo Ren)
Kylo: Hey, guys!
Marik: Fuck off!
Magneto: You'll never be Darth Vader!
Kylo: (crying) This is why I never come here!
