The Story of My Life
-- or --
How Soujiro Nishikado learned the error of his ways
--
Disclaimer: I do not own HYD. I do not own the characters, nothing. I earn no profits from the posting of this fic. So don't sue me. The plot however, that is mine, all mine. My precious. So don't even think about taking it from me or you will die the death of a thousand ants. (not sure what that's supposed to mean, but who cares? Not me).
--
I'm not a good person. I never said I was. I use women and they use me. Do I feel guilty about it? No, of course not. Why should I? They know what they're getting into. And if they don't, well they should have. It's not like I don't have a reputation, after all. Fear? Yes sometimes. Like that one time when the condom broke and I spent months terrified that the silly chit would end up pregnant, and ruin my life with scandal and claims to my future. Or when I thought I'd caught herpes. Hey, I have perfect skin. How was I supposed to know you can get a groin pimple? Yech. So, yes. Fear. But never guilt.
Here's the thing, I'm eighteen years old, I'm rich, I'm hot, and I'm cool. I have to be. I didn't choose to be rich or hot, but there it is. These things lead to certain responsibilities. I know, in a few years I'll be expected to take my place running the family business, I will be married off to whomever my family feels will provide the best business partnership. I will be respectable; I will be busy. I will be trapped. My every move will be watched, and the slightest deviation could have dire consequences for the corporation. Any hint of scandal could scare off potential partnerships; sink our stock. I'm not stupid. I know this is how it will be. My eyes are open. But now, for these few precious years, I'm a teenager, and no one is watching me. No one cares what I do. No one takes me seriously. I'm flying under the radar now. And I never want this to end. But I know it will, with every day that rushes by.
So yeah, I drink too much, and I party too much, and I spend all my allowance on clothes and booze and expensive hotels. I sleep around constantly. Why not? This is the closest I can come to freedom. This is the only time I can be free. And my time is running out.
They think I'm the laid-back one. They call me a player, and laugh at my exploits. If I were a girl, if I had less money, weren't so devastatingly handsome, they'd call me a slut and spit in my face. It makes me sick. I spend so much time angry, on the cusp of breaking out. I'd love to punch someone the way he does, or yell and throw a tantrum. I'd love to stalk off and sulk. But what would be the point? It wouldn't change a thing. So I smile and I leer, and I joke. You have to have a sense of humor, 'cause without it, this life would honestly be unbearable.
I envy her so much. All the time, I watch, but she doesn't see. If she did, she wouldn't understand. She'd think I was staring at a spot on her face, or criticizing her clothes. Oh yes, I see those things too, but I see more than that. I don't envy her poverty, or her lack of looks. I don't envy her lack of social graces. I envy her strength. What I wouldn't give to be free like her. Free to make my own choices, to be what I make of myself, rather than what society tells me I have to be. Oh, I know, I'm romanticizing. She's poor and has no manners, she's in a relationship that can never last, and her only real hope to escape a life of total drudgery is to sell out and accept our charity. She's not smart enough to get into a great college, and her marks won't win her any scholarships. She is well and truly screwed.
I watch her. I do, I see that she is terrified, every day, of the choices she makes, of the things she does. I see the shame in her eyes at the things people call her, the lies they believe. And yet, she keeps going. She refuses to change for them, for anyone. She is terrified and yet she stays true to herself. As true as she can, and she suffers for it in every way.
Tsukasa doesn't even see that. He doesn't understand why she ran from him for so long, why she refuses his money, his clothes, his way of life. But I know.
I could never be like that. I could never be like her. I hate the life I will be forced to lead, I hate the man I must become. But, I am a coward. I wouldn't know how to live without the money, the respect, the fame. So. There it is. In a nutshell. You know all there is to know about me.
My name is Nishikado Soujiro.
Welcome to my life.
--
Check it out! A non-one shot. First person perspective no less! Yes yes, it is spring. I need to apply for fellowship RSN, I need to get a research mentor (like 3 months ago), I am writing a paper on a topic I despise, and which the "science" behind is basically a non-extant disgrace. I have several talks to give in the next few weeks, and so I am twitchy as all shit. Voila! I punted and wrote something. (This is actually a lie by the way, I started this months ago, and was going to post the entire fic in one go, but it's stuck right now (at 10,000wds), so I'm hoping arbitrarily chopping up into chapters and posting will inspire continuation. So hah! Updates will occur if and when I feel like it! And No! this isn't a Soujiro/Tsukushi fic. Not a bit of it. Nor is it an Akira/Tsukushi fic. So let's not even go there. CM
