INTRODUCTION
-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Common Sense, Never land, 2872
Harry was waking up slowly. His skull was aching, as if smashed with a war hammer.
All he remembered was that yesterday he took a few beers before leaving his place at Dursley's for a walk.
Suddenly, the memory of yesterday's horrible events started to invade his alcohol-spared brain cells: he remembered a broken bottle in his hand, some woman screaming, washing somebody's blood off his clothes in a nearby sewer pit, and some kind of horrible creature with a scalping knife in its hand looking at him from a mirror.
He groaned, burped and opened his eyes. Outside, the city was awaking from last night's unquiet slumber.
He knew he had no choice now but to face another unpleasant day in his "room under stairs" as he named his residence. In fact, when Harry was only seven, he already have bought his first gun, and forced the entire Dursley family to move under the stairway, leaving the rest of house to himself and his "friends". Once beautiful home became a bandit nest in a matter of days. Criminal scum from the whole city had soon elected the "Room under stairs" as its headquarters.
He slammed his scarred fist on a nearby closet, breaking it in two.
-"I want my tequila!"
He shouted.
Soon he heard hurrying footsteps from downstairs, and before him came Dudley. A boy of Potter's age, Dudley still retained his childish look. His pale face was still covered in soft white skin, in contrast to thick red fur covering Harry's forehead and face. His stature looked frail compared to Harry's bulging muscles and wide barrel-like chest.
Seeing Harry, Dudley fell to his knees, petrified. In his outstretched, trembling hands, he was holding a bottle of tequila.
-"Thank you!"
Said Harry politely, before breaking off bottle's neck by smacking it across Dudley's scull, making him fall through the floor.
After Harry emptied the bottle in one gulp, he finally remembered the most important yesterday's event: He became a wizard.
Concerning Wizards.
Wizards are small humanoid-resembling creatures with short, fat and hairy legs...
Opps, a little mistake from my part.
Dear reader, if you were looking for a story with happy endings, fluffy hobbits and homoerotic elves, as well as large medieval castles and Confu-fighting, hash-smoking old men, than you have chose a wrong story. This story is about Harry Potter, man also known as "Uncle Eyeball" and "Gory Joe" among his enemies.
This particular story never had a happy beginning, and will never have a happy ending, because it can not.
Anyways, wizards are pretty much your every day hobos, but with magic powers. Their powers are greatly increased by the use of semi-automatic guns, shivs and unrighteous fighting techniques. They are greatly dependent on hash or LSD, as they believe these substances, or "potions" give them "buffs", making them stronger; if in a normal human, drugs cause only hallucination, when consumed by a wizard, the hallucinations seen by the individual are applied to reality, t.e. the stuff actually happens in real life. There are no famous wizards, except for Michael Jackson, who abandoned the dark art for love (He certainly did prove that).
Wizard abilities are transferred genetically, just like Down's syndrome and kleptomania. Heck, Potter's mom and dad were wizards.
Once I had a chance to speak to one of Potter's henchman, and he said Harry never knew his parents. However, I have managed to collect some information on the couple.
Potter's mom and dad were children of two bosses from two major drug-dealing mobs that were rivalling over the right to control London. Naturally, when a girl (Lily Evans) was born in one family, and a boy (James Potter) in the other, marriage was decided to be the remedy which would end the bloody mob war that wrecked the city for more than a century. When both children became "of age" (by medieval standards, a.k.a. 14 years old) they were married by their parents. They hated each other from the moment they were presented, and it is a miracle both of them survived through the marriage ceremony; newer the less, a greater mystery is how those two had a child together. Who was that child?
You guessed it - it is a mystery.
Harry did not have any memory of his parents, not that he really cared, although he remembered clinging to his mother's tail when she was running away from a jaguar through the tree tops. For some reason, this memory mystified him, particularly when he would visit his friends at the local zoo.
He gave the world outside a lazy glance, and scratched his butt with his left hind arm. The world was waiting for him, and he did not like to make others wait.
