The Noodle Game

Disclaimer: the x-men do not belong to me. What happens here, though, is something that will make people lose their lunches…and this breath…for a long time to come.

A warning from the author: I am fucked up. Thank you.

The Noodle Game

A fanfic presented to you by…

THE SHAGGYDIZ!!!!!!

Part 1

Call me Ishmel.

No, wait…call me Cyclops.

In my earliest years I remember being confronted by a man. That man was bald and wheeled himself around very strangely. He got weird pleasures when he ran into people with that hover wheelchair of his, but that is a story for another time. He introduced me to my future wife…hmm…I remember two wives…one has died but got resurrected somehow and now haunts my wow-he-looks-twice-your-age son, Cable. And what of Rachel…who is Rachel anyway? She claims to be from a different reality where everyone is dead and it sucks to be alive. Oh well.

I love my wife, Jean. Really, I do.

She is a total bitch! You must delete her now!

What? Who was that?

The bitch must die!

Damn, this is getting freaky for my tastes. I will return later to tell you the rest of my story.

Hehe. He never knew who scared the daylights out of him. And you don't too, suckers! Anyway, I really don't want to see my beloved Jean die. Especially after that tongue action I got in Uncanny #394…hehe. Damn, now she knows how to give a man a good kiss. Wooo! Got my heart racing. 'Snikt' Someone's coming. Can't let them know I'm here.

Hi! I'm Jean Grey. I'm also Marvel Girl. And the Phoenix. And not to forget about the Dark Phoenix. And Red. And…well, you got the point.

What is the point? Well, for one, I'm not blond, but I do go stupid sometimes, especially when I lose my powers and, like, get them back suddenly. Isn't that silly? Giggle. Hehehehahahahaha! I'm soooo funny! Hehehehehhahahhehehhehahahaeha! Damn, girl, you got to, like, slow down.

Shall I talk about my whack husband of mine? Ok, I will. Damn, he is such a sissy! And a cry baby! And he looks so horrible as of late. I mean, how can you talk when you mouth doesn't even open? He just frowns all the time now. He was so cool when we, like, offed that crazy bitch Magneto, but now he sucks. A lot! Is Wolvie still single? That kiss he gave me in that psycho's mind was a killer. Hey, there he is now!

Normal dialogue starts

"Hey hot stuff," said Jean.

"Looks whose talking, sexy," responded Wolvie.

The two engage in some heavy tongue action for about three hours while Cyke ponders as to where Jean and Wolverine are.

"I mean, I don't even think he's my real son, cause, you know, Madelyne was a bitch…and a clone."

"Oh my stars and garters. Never, ever denounce your own son, Cyke," THE BEAST said. He pulls out a metal pot and wallops Cyke over the head with it. "Now, where were we…"

"Oh geez…Beast…that…" 'smack'. That was the sound of Cyke falling over to the floor, unconscious by the almighty power of THE BEAST.

"Oh dear."

We return now to the heavy tongue action of Jean and Wolvie, who appears now to be engage in some…um…how to make this PG-13 rated…oh fuck it…SEX! SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX! Fuck off you stupid censors…oh, what…oh story yeah. My bad.

"Oh Jean!"

"Oh hairy Canadian monkey!"

"Oh…monkey? I'm a monkey?"

"Oh, sorry Wolvie…I'm brain dead remember? And besides, monkeys come from Canada, so don't worry, I'm not insulting you."

Wolvie thinks to himself for a bit. "At least your hot, now lets get back at this. Oh Jean!"

"Oh Wolvie!"

"OH JEAN!"

"OH WOLVIE!"

The scene turns NC-17 rated here. I don't know what to write for this scene, so this is left up to your imaginations. Hehe.

Scene returns to THE BEAST, who is deciding on not administering First Aid to the massive wound on Cyke's head, which is getting worse.

"I know this looks bad, Professor, but I'd rather see Jean get fucked by Wolvie, not by this homebred sissy boy."

Xavier rubs the baldness of his head.

All of it.

"You present an interesting point, Hank. But what of the team leader? You know you can't go on a mission without a team leader."

"Yes, I know, but that's what Storm is for."

"Must you not forget that she has not led a mission with this team in over three weeks now…chasing after those diaries…explaining what her power is over and over and over again…God that was soo annoying the first time it happened, but that writer is messing with it again! Somebody kill me!"

Magneto arrives, back from dead.

"Somebody call?" He takes Xavier from his seat and proceeds to rip his whole body apart by doing that iron pulling trick.

THE BEAST cheers in corner. "Oh dear…can you do that again? Oh PLEAZZZE!"

"Why certainly…"

Cyke has regained consciousness. He looks up to see THE BEAST get torn apart by that iron gripping thing…yes, I know, its hideous, but its sooo fun to write about…I know people don't want to see THE BEAST die…ok, fine, he'll be brought back from dead…but not now…back to story.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED the beast!"

Archangel chimes in. "YOU BASTARD!"

Cyke, looking pissed off…as usual…proceeds to knock off Magneto with his laser beam at full blast.

"Hey, it isn't a 'laser beam', it's an 'optic eye blast'!"

Oh shut up you fucking sissy.

"Hey, you're making me say it."

Hmm, you make a good point. Time to add the usual anvil to the scene.

"What anvil?"

Look up, sissy boy.

Cyke looks up. "Oh shit." An anvil, weighing in at a massive five million pounds, crushes Cyke like a bug.

Good, now that gets rid of him. Time to bring THE BEAST back.

THE BEAST has been magically reformed. "Oh my stars and garters."

Scene returns to Jean and Wolvie. They are still at it…ehh…

"Hey monkey boy, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"I don't know. It sounded like an anvil dropping on a sissy boy."

"Hmm…now that you mention it…yea I did hear an anvil being dropped on sissy boy. I wonder who that sissy boy was."

"Oh well. Enough talk, monkey boy. I want your :::insert naughty word here::: now!"

"Damn! And I thought you were empty up there!"

They resume…oh god this is sick…a hairy monkey and a red airhead…crap now I'm calling him a monkey…for fuckings sake!

Scene goes to boat in Atlantic.

"Oh Storm!"

"Oh Bishop!"

"Oh Psylocke!"

"Oh the third incarnation of Thunderbird!"

"Um, Sage?"

"Yea, Rogue?"

"I know you're a computer and all, but have you ever tried lesbianism before?"

"Um, I'm not sure…hell, I barely know what I do!"

"Oh. Well there's a good time for everything, huh?"

"I guess so Rogue." Note: I will be shot by my sister for having Rogue in a lesbian sex scene. Why, you ask? Because Gambit hasn't arrived in X-Treme yet.

Scene goes to a jungle in South America.

"Oh nephew of Dr. Trask!"

"Oh bald lady with enormous head!"

Damn, this is getting rather…repetitive, don't you think?

Well, this concludes part one.

If anyone has any suggestions for part two, let me know, as I will continue it upon my return from Europe.

A sneak peak, however…

Cyke and Jean, in a fight…

"Fuck you, sissy boy! I like Wolvie! He's a real man!"

"Him? Holy God I'm going to puke! You know how old he is? He's like, your great-great-grandfather or something…in age I mean, cause if he was then I'd lose my intestines."

"So? I always like the older men."

"God, Jean, you are so seriously brain dead…"

Wolvie and Cyke, in a fight…

"SISSY!"

"MONKEY BOY!"

"CORK UP ANUS DIPSHIT!"

"MONKEY BOY!"

"SUCKS ON XAVIERS DICK 24/7 BOY!"

"MONKEY BOY!"

This, and more, and the Noodle Game continues…