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To anyone else it had just been a normal Monday, people woke up, went to school or work, dreading the fact that it was the beginning of yet another week of endless work and boring assignments that may or may not be important for their futures. For Sam, it was the end of his life. He watched his future burn down, the woman he loved was gone, and here Sam was, sitting in a small hotel room, one that was almost identical to every room, in every state he had ever stayed in during the first eighteen years of his life. He thought that going to Stanford was his ticket out, that he would never have to stay in one of these rooms again, but he was wrong. It had been a week since that night, and he was travelling the same back roads of America, hunting monsters, and looking for their father, attempting to find some kind of clue as to what had killed Jessica and their mother. Sam had been having nightmares every night, and every night Dean would shake him awake, and Sam would turn away, not wanting to talk about what was scaring him. Dean walked back into the room carrying grease stained bags, which Sam assumed was filled with some kind of gross diner food that he didn't want to eat.
"Come eat, Sammy." Dean said. Dean had been nice this week, so nice that Sam was sick of it. He just wanted Dean to act like his brother and stop treating him like he was going to break at any second, Sam just wanted to find some way to move on, to fill this gaping hole in his chest that he could feel bleeding and oozing every time he took a breath.
"I'm not hungry." Sam replied. He didn't want to eat, everything tasted like smoke and ashes, and with every bite he saw Jess die, with every swallow he heard her screams.
"I didn't ask if you were hungry, you haven't eaten a meal in three days, now come eat this. I got you salad and some gross chicken sandwich that I'm sure you will like." Sam groaned but walked over to the small table and sat down in one of the two rickety chairs. He grabbed the whiskey off of the table in front of him and filled his glass with the liquid. It burned his throat as he swallowed, and when he put the glass down, he saw Dean watching him closely, as he took his first bite of food, and Sam stared back, but Dean didn't back down, he just continued to watch him.
"Can you stop that?" Sam growled, Dean looked away but looked back a few minutes later.
"Are you okay?"
"M'fine Dean. Just leave it alone." Dean nodded, and continued to stuff his face with the greasy bacon cheeseburger and chili cheese fries he had ordered and the two brothers sat for a while in an uncomfortable silence, each thinking about the events that had transpired. Dean couldn't help but feel bad, he had wanted his brother back for so long, but now that he had him back, he wished he could give Sam back everything he had lost. "We should find you a suit or something." Sam looked at his brother and frowned.
"For what?"
"Uhhh… Jessica's funeral is in two days." Sam sighed and stood up, throwing the rest of his food roughly into the trash.
"I'm not going." Dean's jaw dropped, and he put his fork down.
"What do you mean you aren't going? You have to; her parents are going to want to see you aren't they? And what about your friends?" Sam snorted.
"I'm not going to go to my girlfriend's funeral and lie to everyone about how she died. Everyone can be pissed at me if they want to be, I deserve it, I got her killed. Besides, I'm mourning enough, I don't need to mourn an empty coffin."
"Sammy…"
"I don't want to talk about it anymore Dean, we are leaving tomorrow. I'm going out, don't wait up." Sam grabbed his jacket, and walked out the door slamming it behind him, Dean sighed and finished the rest of his food, then sat on the bed to watch TV, because he couldn't go to sleep, not until Sam was back, safe with him again.
Sam was wandering, he wasn't sure where. He was walking around Palo Alto, taking in the place he had called home for four years. He went past the café where he had first met Jess, past the restaurant where they had their first date, and eventually wandered on to the beach, sitting down on a bench and he stared out at the ocean. Jess had one brought him here once, and they had stared at the ocean for hours. When he had first arrived at Stanford the water had brought him a sense of comfort, and a sense of freedom, and then later on him and Jess would often come here after exams or a rough day, just to sit quietly listening to the waves crashing into the sand. Now he felt like he was drowning in it, that it was this giant obstacle he could never cross, never crawl out of. It brought him no sense of calm or joy, he felt all of his dreams slip away as each wave went back into the ocean. He felt like he had sat there for hours, and he figured he should probably head back before Dean sent out a search party to look for him. He walked away from the beach, and back towards the city lights. A couple blocks from the motel, Sam saw a small convenience store and sighed, he walked inside and grabbed a cheap pack of cigarettes, and lit one as he walked outside. It had been years since he had touched one, it had been years since he had felt the need for one, but now he felt that pull, that need to make his brain a little fuzzy. He took a deep breath of smoke, and for the first time since the fire he began to relax. It was a strange sensation, as he took a deep breath of the smoky poison, he felt like it was cleansing the last of the smoke from the fire out of his lungs. He smoked three before he headed back to the motel, where he knew Dean would be waiting for him. He didn't like when Sam walked around by himself at night, it was asking for trouble. When Sam entered the motel room Dean was sitting at the bed closest to the door watching the TV. Sam walked past him, and couldn't see Dean but knew that as soon as he walked past him, Dean's eyes followed him across the room, looking for any sign Sam was hurt, it was a big brother thing. Sam heard Dean sit up in the bed, and walk across the floor towards him, when Sam turned around Dean was standing two feet away from him, staring into his face.
"Jesus Dean, personal space?" Dean just squinted his eyes in a way that always made Sam feel like a little boy who had just got caught doing something bad, it was the same look that had always made Sam spill all his secrets when he was a kid.
"You've been smoking." It wasn't a question, Dean knew, and for some reason even though Sam was an adult, it made him feel guilty that he had disappointed his brother.
"Okay?" Sam said, he wasn't going to lie about it, he was a grown man, and he could do what he wanted without Dean's permission. "Now, I am gonna go shower." Sam turned away and grabbed some sweats out of his duffel, Dean grabbed him by the arm and swung him back around.
"Sammy… I know you're sad, but please… don't start doing that…" Sam ripped his arm out of Dean's grasp and took a step back.
"Dean, don't… please… leave this alone." Dean watched Sam go into the bathroom, and sunk back into his chair. Sam was pulling away from him hard, and even though Sam had been gone for four years this felt different. When Sam left for Stanford it was out of anger, he didn't want this life, and he was mad at their Dad. It took awhile, but Dean had accepted that Sam needed to live his life. This time Sam was right here with him, in the same room, driving with him in the passenger seat and Dean had never felt farther away from Sam. That hurt, when they were kids they only had each other, and Dean thought, foolishly apparently, things would be the same now, but it wasn't. Sam didn't want his help, but he couldn't let his brother deal with this on his own either. It was engrained in him to help Sam; it was a big brother thing. But maybe he needed to look at this a different way, maybe he needed to back off and let Sam come to him when the time was right. Dean was pulled from his thoughts when Sam came out of the bathroom, his hair still dripping dark splotches onto the navy coloured t-shirt that he was wearing. It was Dean's shirt; they really needed to get Sam some new clothes.
"You going to bed Sammy?"
"Yeah, want to get an early start tomorrow." Sam sat back on the bed, but didn't close his eyes.
"Are you positive this is what you want?" Sam stared at his brother hard and smirked sadly.
"I am positive none of this is what I want, but I also don't want my life, and anybody else's to cross over anymore. Me being at her funeral doesn't make this any easier, it makes it harder, for everyone. Even if I went and held her mom's hand and said I was sorry, and I sat with my friends and we talked about the good old days and how amazing she was, even if lying to everyone about how she died didn't make me cringe and want to throw up, I am still going to end up leaving. So what is the point of it? Why go and give them some kind of weird hope that I will stick around and help them through this? It's better this way." Coming from Sam it was a speech, and it hurt Dean that Sam was being so negative, but Sam was right they were just going to leave so what was the point?
"Alright Sammy, we leave tomorrow." Dean sat down on his own bed, and then turned back to his brother. "Sam?"
"Yeah"?
"Just don't start smoking a pack a day okay?" Sam laughed, genuinely laughed.
"I won't Dean. I just needed to take the edge off." Dean still didn't like it, but everyone needed a way to take the edge off, if Sam needed to smoke a few cigarettes, who was he to judge?
"Okay, goodnight little brother."
"Night Dean." Dean waited until he heard Sam's breathing even out, before he went to sleep, but he wasn't asleep for long before Sam started moaning and tossing and turning and Dean restrained himself from jumping up and waking him up, if Sam wanted to handle this by himself he should let him. He gripped the blankets hard as Sam began to scream Jessica's name.
"Jess… Jess no!" Sam screamed, but he still hadn't woken up. Sam then whimpered in a childish way. "Dean… please help…" Sam sobbed. That was Dean's undoing, asleep or not, grown up or not, Sam was calling for his brother's help, and that was not a call he could ignore, he never could, even when Sam was a toddler, and he scraped his knee and just needed a band aid.
"Sammy, wake up." Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder and shook him roughly, Sam shot up in bed, breathing heavily. "Sam, you with me?" Sam looked at Dean blearily, but his breathing got more frantic and choppy. "Jesus Christ Sammy, you have to breathe, you can do it dude, slow it down." Sam shook his head wildly telling Dean e couldn't take a breath. "Yes you can kid, come on." For just a few minutes Sam grabbed the hem of his brother's shirt and kept his eyes locked on Dean's and did what he said, and Dean felt like a big brother again. After a few minutes Sam's breath began to even out and he let go of Dean pushing back towards the headboard, folding his knees in two his chest, and made himself look smaller then anybody who is six foot four should be able to.
"Are you okay kid?" Dean asked. Sam nodded, and pushed his sweaty bangs out of his eyes.
"Sorry…" Sam whispered. Dean chuckled.
"You don't have to apologize for that Sammy, you are allowed to freak out, I sure as hell did after Mom died." Sam huffed.
"You were four Dean…"
"So? Doesn't matter if I was four or twenty, it still would have scared me, scarred me, so you are allowed to be afraid, but… you don't have to do this alone either…"Sam sighed and rubbed at his neck.
"I can't… I don't want to talk about this not right now."
"Okay, well if you ever do… look I know you aren't a kid anymore but you can still talk to me." Sam smiled through the curtain of hair that was covering his face.
"I know Dean."
"Alright, you gonna go back to sleep?"
"Doubt it, I am wide awake now…"
"Well… do you want to get out here?"
"Aren't you tired?"
"Nope, it'll be light out in a couple hours anyway, if you aren't gonna sleep might as well get a head start."
"Alright, lets go." The two brothers got dressed, grabbed their gear and headed out to the Impala, and when they drove passed the Palo Alto sign Dean watched Sam out of the corner of his wipe a tear from his face, as he left the life he had built over the last four years behind him. Sam and Dean drove along the two lane blacktop for miles, with nothing but the familiar rumble of the Impalas engine to muffle the silence, and then just as the sun began to rise over the clouds, Sam fell asleep and Dean smiled. Sam had always been able to sleep in the car, even as a baby, so Dean yawned but kept driving, he would stop when Sam woke up, but for now Sam deserved some decent sleep. Sam slept for hours, and then around lunchtime he began to wake. He stretched and looked over at Dean sleepily, and Dean chuckled, Sam looked like a sleepy five year old in that moment.
"You hungry Sammy? There is a diner up the road, figure we could stop there then stop at a motel, cause I am starting to get tired."
"Yeah sure, what time is it?" Sam asked rubbing his eyes.
"Almost one."
"Jeeze, why didn't you wake me up?"
"You needed the sleep." Dean pulled into the parking lot of the diner that was attached to an old run down motel that would be their home for the night. "C'mon Sam, food." The diner itself was relatively clean as far as roadside diners go, and they had burgers and pie, that was good enough by Dean's standards. Sam didn't say anything, so he assumed that it was fine by Sam's health freak standards as well. They grabbed a booth by the window and a waitress came by with menus. She was a tall skinny brunette and she had a hoop nose ring.
"Can I get you guys anything to drink when you look over those menus?"
"Yeah I'll have a coffee black, Sam what about you?" Dean asked.
"Water is fine thank you." Dean went to say something to Sam when he noticed the waitress was still standing there, watching Sam closely.
"Everything alright miss?" Dean asked.
"Uh yeah, sorry… it's just… are you Sam Winchester?" Sam looked up sharply at the girl, which suppressed Dean's thoughts that this was probably someone Sam knew from the last four years at Stanford.
"Yeah, I am… and you are?"
"Sorry, uh we went to high school together." Sam smirked.
"Sorry, I went to a lot of high schools, can you give me hint?"
"Yeah, I'm Ren, we went to school together in-"
"Arkansas." Sam finished, he remembered her, he remembered the things that had happened in Arkansas, what he had done. Dean tensed up across from him, he didn't like to think about that dark time in Sam's life, it was a hard year, between withdrawal and the cravings Sam had from the cocaine. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you without the purple hair and band tees." Ren laughed. Sam looked Ren up and down, noticing the dark bruises under her eyes, and her rail thin body, she was definitely using, probably had been since high school.
"Yeah…things have changed since then… so what happened to you? I mean one minute you were there and the next you were gone, Quinn was devastated." Sam tensed up at the mention of his first serious girlfriend, the first girl he had ever loved.
"Alright, I hate to cut this little reunion short, but this really isn't a good time sweetheart…" Ren turned towards him and nodded.
"You must be Dean… alright, well hopefully I will see you later, Quinn starts work at five, you should pop in and say hi, I am sure she would like to see you, bye Sam." Sam watched her walk away, and when it came time for them to order a different waitress came back. Sam was staring at the table and running through those few months in Arkansas in his head. They never stayed there again after that, John had always left them a state away when he had jobs there, as if the entire state was tainted by what had happened.
"Sammy? You want to stay somewhere else tonight?" Sam looked up at his brother, who was obviously exhausted from driving while Sam was asleep in the passenger seat.
"No, its fine."
"Are you sure? Cause we have kind of avoided anything to do with that place…and the things that happened."
"You mean my drug problem? Come on Dean just say it okay, don't tip toe around it." Once Dean had gotten Sam cleaned up, they didn't talk about it, except for the occasional bad day when Sam had to tell Dean he wanted to use again, and Dean had kept him busy until the urge passed.
"Alright then, no more tiptoeing…" After lunch Sam and Dean went back to the motel room, and Sam took a shower. By the time he came out of the bathroom Dean was asleep in one of the beds. Sam shook his head and laughed, he knew Dean had been tired. Sam put on some clothes and went out into the parking lot to have a cigarette, while he was out there he saw Ren again, she smiled and walked towards him.
"Seven years later and you are still smoking? To think you had never tried one when we met." Sam laughed, it was true he had never smoked a cigarette until he met his friends in Arkansas.
"Actually I quit a long time ago, this is pretty recent, want one?" He held the pack out, and Ren took one out and lit it.
"So? Did you kick the rest of your habits too?"
"Uhhhh… yeah. Haven't touched anything in a long time…"
"Good for you, I never had the willpower."
"Wasn't exactly willpower, it was more like, my Dad and brother made me sweat out a nasty cure and then kept me away from it, how's everyone else?"
"I think Bryan got a football scholarship to Penn State, Blair and Patrick got married out of high school and then had a couple of kids, and then me and Quinn left a couple years ago, came to California and well we weight tables to pay the bills." Sam sighed; he hadn't thought about Quinn in a long time, it was easier not to think about it.
"How is Quinn?" Ren quirked his eyebrow at him.
"You'll have to ask her that yourself."
"I really don't think that is a good idea." Ren laughed, and smiled sadly at Sam.
"Sam, we were fifteen, I think she has forgiven you by now… whatever it's up to you, so are you seriously living straight now?"
"Yeah I am."
"Well, here." Ren pulled a small bag out of her back pocket and put it in Sam's hand. "Just in case you need a pick me up." Sam shook his head frantically.
"No, I don't want it." Ren smiled at Sam sadly.
"Sam look… I know we didn't know each other all that well, but I see how hurt you are, that sad look in your eyes… be happy, even just for a minute. I'll see you later." Ren walked away and Sam was left standing outside the hotel and he shoved the bag into the bottom of the pack of cigarettes. He wasn't sure why he didn't just throw it out, but for some reason he couldn't do it. Instead he put the pack of cigarettes in his pocket and walked back in the hotel room. Dean opened his eyes as Sam walked in, years of hunting experience keeping him from being able to stay asleep when someone was entering the hotel room.
"You okay Sammy?" Dean asked sleepily.
"I'm fine, go back to sleep, I'm gonna do some research on Black Water Ridge okay?"
"Mmm'kay." Dean slurred and then rolled back over. Sam pulled out his laptop and began to research, all the while thinking about that little bag of happiness tucked away in his cigarette pack, and he couldn't help but thinking he couldn't talk to Dean about it this time. He was supposed to be over this, so what would Dean say if Sam told him he was having a bad day? No, Sam couldn't do that. He would have to handle this himself. He left Dean a note saying he would be back when he was back, and not to worry then he grabbed his jacket and went back outside, noticing that Ren was standing outside the restaurant, he walked over to her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"What's up Sam?"
"You're right, I'm not happy, and I need to be…" She smiled and grabbed his hand.
"C'mon, lets go to my room." Turns out Ren lived on the other side of the motel and Sam went in behind her, and looked around. The room looked basically the same as Sam and Dean's, except darker and dirtier. Ren pulled off the sweater she was wearing, and for the first time Sam saw the track marks on her arms.
"That's how you take it now?" Ren laughed.
"Hey, if you are gonna snort it, you might as well mainline, it feels so much better, I promise." Ren's hand was around Sam's wrist and for just a minute, Sam seemed to lose all logic, he watched her load a needle filled with clear liquid, and let her sit him down on the bed. He was in a daze, knowing the feeling that was coming was exactly what he needed. He winced as the needle pierced his skin and he felt the liquid enter his veins, and it was like dull burning, warmth that felt great, yet he knew was wrong. "You okay Sam?" Sam smile dup at Ren who was laying beside him on the bed.
"Yeah… I'm good, never been better." Ren laughed and lowered herself across Sam and gently kissed his lips. "What are you doing Ren?"
"C'mon Sam, let me make you feel better." Somewhere in his mind Sam thought about Jess, and how he shouldn't be doing this, but the part Sam that was affected by the drugs wanted it, and before he knew it he was kissing Ren back, and he pushed the guilt to the back of his mind, before stripping off Ren's shirt.
Sam didn't wake up until her heard his phone ringing, he groaned as he rolled over.
"Hello?"
"Sam? Where the hell are you? You've been gone all night." Dean yelled. Sam sat up looking for a clock but all he saw was Ren laying next to him guess that wasn't a dream.
"What time is it?" Sam asked.
"Seven thirty in the morning."
"Alright, I'll be there in a minute." Sam hung up the phone and ran around the room looking for his clothes, he had a headache and he was dazed.
"Are you leaving?" Ren asked from the bed.
"Yeah, I'm sorry…" Ren smiled and through on a pair of underwear and a tshirt.
"It's fine, I am not much for relationships. Want a hit before you go?"
"I really shouldn't…"
"That's not what I asked, do you want one?" Sam caved and Ren gave him another hit, and he wiped the blood away from his arm. Sam felt that warmth again an instantly felt better.
"I'll see you around." Sam said.
"I hope so." Sam rounded the corner and went back to his own room where Dean was sitting at the table, and he was obviously furious.
"Where the hell were you Sam?" Dean asked.
"Out." Sam responded. "I'm gonna shower, then we can go." Sam went to walk by and Dean grabbed him by the shoulder.
"Where were you?"
"I'm a grown ass man Dean, piss off." Sam yanked out of Dean's grip, and Dean looked at him concerned.
"Why do you smell like perfume? You were with a girl?" Sam shrugged his shoulders. "Dude, seriously? Jessica died a week ago."
"I'm aware of that Dean."
"So you woke up in another woman's bed, on the day of her funeral? Nice Sam."
"Shut up Dean, I don't need the lecture, I needed to get my mind off it. Don't get all high and mighty on me about girls alright?" Dean watched Sam go into the bathroom, and sighed. He couldn't believe Sam had done that. Sam loved Jess, Dean knew he did, what would make Sam do that? But honestly, Dean knew it wasn't his business, so he packed all of his stuff up and when Sam came out of the bathroom they made their way out to the car, and just as they were about to get in a little boy ran out and bumped into Dean's leg.
"Better watch where you are going little man." Dean said. The boy looked up at him.
"Sorry…" The boy said.
"James! Come back here right now!" A blonde ran from the motel and towards the car. "Sorry, he is full of energy."
"It's okay, kids can be crazy." The blonde smiled at Dean, but then frowned when she looked at Sam, and Sam knew instantly who it was.
"Ren told me she saw you, I told her to kick you in the nuts for me, but instead, she slept with. Guess I have shitty best friends, and ex-boyfriends." Quinn slapped Sam hard across the face and Sam snorted.
"You still pissed off about something that happened when we were fifteen, or is it because you are starting to come down off that high of yours and it is making you rage?" Quinn stared at him coldly.
"I don't know what you are talking about…"
"Sure you do, I bet you got less then two hours before the shakes get uncontrollable, and that headache gets worse..."
"Oh yeah, I forgot you have a history with this type of thing. So who are you to lecture me?"
"I wasn't raising a kid, Quinn. Do you really a five year old needs to see you like that? God, my brother and my Dad saw me like that and it nearly killed them."
"He's six Sam… and I don't need your parenting advice…" At that comment, Dean's head whipped up.
"Wait." Dean said. "He's five?" He turned to Sam. "Please tell me he ain't yours." Quinn laughed coldly.
"Don't worry Dean, he isn't a Winchester, thank God. I don't really know who his Dad is, but he definitely isn't yours Sam, I kinda lost my mind after you left, started using, sleeping around…"
"I'm sorry Quinn, believe it or not, I thought dumping you would keep you out of this mess, but I should have known better, and now you're a lost cause. C'mon Dean, lets go." The brother's got in the car and drove off, Sam watched Quinn vanish as they ripped out of the parking lot, he felt like this could have been a way to close a chapter in his life, but instead because of what was pumping through his veins, that chapter was about to get much longer, and it was going to be even harder this time.
