William saw the furtive glances his father threw his way when he thought he wasn't looking. They were the only form of eye contact his father seemed to be allowing himself. Also, he had stopped talking to William that night.
It bothered William. He worked very hard to earn his parents' approval. He had signed up for all the classes and programs they had wanted him to attend, and his results were always among the best in his year. He didn't want his father to think badly of him, yet he didn't want to believe that a single mistake should change their relationship so much - in spite of everything William had always done to please him and to make him proud!
It had been just a mistake, after all, a spur-of-the-moment thing. If he could go back, William thought, he would change everything. But would he really? He kept trying not to think back to that night, not to think of V.. But it didn't seem to work properly. The memories sneaked up on him while he was falling asleep, and he relived the excitement, the thrill, the pleasure he had felt. William tried to convince himself that those memories were uncomfortable for him. The truth was, they weren't. He had asked V. to write down his number. And he had saved the number into his phone – just in case.
What was more, he couldn't say that he felt much different than before. Most of his life hadn't changed at all. As always, he was very busy with school work and sports. Since he had never been allowed games or TV shows, it was quite a regular habit of his to slip into daydreams in between study sessions. These days, he found himself daydreaming about that one person. It didn't feel much different than last time he had had a crush – although, this time, he knew the object of his fantasies was aware of his existence. There was even a chance that V. was thinking of him, too.
He imagined texting V. He kept the paper slip with his number in his timer. When he was alone, he would sometimes take it out and look at it. He wished he had given V. his own number. He just didn't know how to write to him – and the more time passed, the harder it seemed to pluck up the courage. And what would he write, anyway? He typed:
Hey there. It's William (remember?). How are you doing?
But what if he never got an answer? Then he would know that V. didn't want to think back to their encounter. He thought he might not want to know... and he was scared of taking action. Daydreaming and all that was all very well – but he mostly managed to convince himself that everything wasn't such a big deal. In his memories, everything felt much more like dreams than real events. And if he wrote that text, he would somehow make it a reality.
Then, there was his family. As far as he could tell, his father had not told his mother what he had seen. Yet. He felt uncomfortable at the idea that his mum would be upset about what he had done. He didn't want his parents to know about his daydreams or his desires – he didn't want them to even think about what had happened with V. in his room that night. When he had been with Dee, they didn't seem to mind them spending time alone together. And William hadn't given much thought to what they knew or suspected about what they did together in his or her room. This time, it was different. His father had already seen much more than William would have shared with him of his own accord.
The more he thought about it, the more impressed he was with V. He had just gone and come out to his parents and a friend. William felt that this step must have changed his whole life – would change his own life, too, should it ever happen.
Then again, what did it even mean to be "gay"? He had never been in a relationship with a guy, but he had had a girlfriend. What was more, he had enjoyed being with her – a lot. He hadn't thought about guys while they had been intimate. But if he called V., if they met again, perhaps regularly, that would mean he was actually gay, wouldn't it? It was annoying. William wished that everybody could just mind their own business. Then he would be able to meet V. and do what he liked with him. If only his dad hadn't found out! William felt constantly observed. He didn't want to come home late from school for fear that his father might think he had been with V. On the other hand, he was fantasizing more and more often about writing to him.
It was Wednesday night, and William's parents were preparing to go out. They had an invitation at a small dinner party and they weren't planning on staying out late. Before they left, his mum said, "Don't stay up too late, darling, okay? You need to be well-rested for classes and training tomorrow."
"Don't worry, mum," William answered. He noticed how his dad was avoiding his eyes yet again. He felt himself blush. He wasn't intending to do anything stupid. He didn't feel at all like provoking his father. He just wanted to watch some youtube on his PC (which mum would normally not allow) and go to bed early.
However, things turned out very differently. Around half past seven, the doorbell rang. William couldn't think who it might be. Had his parents forgotten their keys? He pressed the button of the speaker and asked, "Who is it?" - He waited several seconds for the answer, and when it came, it was hardly intelligible. "It's me… uh… it's Virgo."
William froze, his mind racing. He should answer, shouldn't he? What could he say? Should he open the door? What if his parents did come back for something? What if anyone saw Virgo and told his father? Again, several seconds passed by while William tried to get a clear head. He ended up pressing the key button to let V. in. He couldn't think what would happen when V. entered, but he had to find out.
He waited in the hall until he heard a knock on the apartment door. He had forgotten to open it and hastened over to meet V., who chose to remain standing on the doormat instead of coming in. He was looking down at his feet in silence, his hands in his jacket pockets. William felt his heart beat quicken. He opened his mouth to speak, but felt a lump in his throat that blocked his vocal chords. At his feeble croak, however, V. suddenly leapt into action and finally took a few steps into the apartment past William.
William closed the door leaning against it, then turned around to see V.'s face inches from his own. He closed his eyes and leaned in for the kiss. It didn't even cross his mind to refrain – he had been waiting too eagerly. He felt elated and his knees started shaking. It was exactly as he had remembered it, only better. He savoured the exhilaration, the excitement.
He felt the other boy's lips press in with more urgency, more force. He opened his own to let V.'s tongue in. He could feel that they both had become equally aroused by their frantic kissing. His back was still leaning against the entrance door. V. in turn was leaning against him, maximizing their contact area. V. had lifted his hands to William's face holding, him and tangling his fingers into William's hair.
They must have been kissing for several minutes when V. suddenly withdrew. William opened his eyes, bewildered. V. had taken a step back and was looking him straight into the eyes. "Is everything… you know… alright?" he whispered.
William was startled. "Yeah, sure," he mumbled. Why would he ask a weirdly polite, general question like that? "It's just," V. continued hesitantly. "I didn't know how to reach you. And you didn't call. And I thought..." William blushed. He had thought about V. so often – but he had never thought about how he must feel if William ignored him. Actually, he hadn't given himself permission to believe that V. cared about him calling. He must have feared the disappointment if V. turned out less keen than he was.
"I didn't know how," he stammered. To his surprise, he actually felt tears well up in his eyes. Slightly choked up, he went on, "My dad has stopped talking to me. And I don't know how to look him in the eye any more, or into the mirror. I'm scared there'll be a different person looking out. And I missed you so much. And…" But at this last comment, V. moved closer again and took both his hands in his own. "You did?" - "Yeah." - "I missed you, too."
Holding hands, they went into William's room and sat on the bed next to each other.
