They're Back! By tenofswords
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or ISC, or any of the cast and crew members. Boring, I know, but to the point.
Notes: This little ficletwas inspired by the 'Reservoir Dogs' style entrance of the CSI team during the season six opener, 'Bodies in Motion'. I just HAD to respond to some of the points during that episode. PS: Due to creative reasons, the following will be done in the form of a script. Enjoy (I hope)! Heavy spoilers (if you hadn't worked that out).
CUE: Dramatic music (possibly '2001 theme tune')
The CSI team walk in slow, Baywatch-esque motion towards their latest crime scene. There is an air of almost laughable grimness about them, the kind of aura that says: 'Out of our way. We may LOOK like supermodels, but we know how to do our job'
As they walk, looking casually around them for the sign of cameras, bold lettering appears from off-screen, accompanied by that familiar gruff Hollywood voice:
"The team are back, and sexier than ever…"Camera holds on Grissom.
"Gil Grissom is back in charge…And he's got a straw hat!"
We notice that Grissom is indeed sporting the latest in wicker-wear. He is also absently chewing on a blade of grass, and looking good in denim dungarees. As Jethro Grissom spittoons his way towards us, camera tracks to Catherine…
"Catherine's top is cut lower than ever…And she's showing her claws!"
Once again, true to form, Catherine's top is not a top so much as an accessorised bra. I mean, dude! I'm tryin' to eat lunch here! We also observe that she is glaring dangerously at a certain piece of jewellery on the finger of a certain afro-sporting co-worker. We follow her green-eyed gaze towards the recent object of her desire as she writes 'Mrs. Catherine Brown' over and over in her diary…
"Warrick Brown got a quickie Vegas marriage…And now he's Tina's bitch!"
Clearly Mr. Brown was not paying attention during the season five opener, 'Viva Las Vegas', as he is discreetly trying to dispose of a pamphlet headed: 'Come to Circus Circus and get married by Elvis Presley (or Al Capone) from the comfort of your own car!' As we send our condolences to the clearly unhappily married man, we come to his recently traumatised amigo…
"Nick Stokes is back in the field…And he's getting Angst!"
Nick looks as chipper as ever. No signs of the living hell he went through courtesy of Mr. Tarantino. None. Whatsoever. At all. Well, I mean, he steps on a cockroach and jumps three feet in the air, but other than that (and the angry psychiatrist he keeps having to shove off-screen) he's fine. Really. No sweat. As he strides towards us in an over-compensatingly confident way (and somewhere in the wilderness Walter Gordon's evil brother or sister or whatever plots dire retribution), the camera focuses on Sara…
"Sara Sidle still hates Sophia…And she's got Great Buns!"
What? She's munching on a Gooey-bun! What did you think I meant? As for the former remark, make no mistake, Sara DESPISES Sophia. This is highlighted by the fact that she is armed to the teeth, wearing a 'Don't mess with me, bitch!' shirt, and has a bumper sticker on her butt that says 'Honk if you hate Sophia!' (Wardrobe fully funded by GSR shippers). As Sara begins to hop around like a lunatic, waving her arms and speaking in jumbled Mexican (she ju-ust might have eaten one of the Gooey-buns that had drugs in the middle…), the camera moves to the newest member of the team…
"Greg Sanders' hair is flat…And he's eating some tasty soup!"
Okay. Wow. Greg Sanders just had decomposing human flesh in his mouth. And he isn't racing to the hospital for a billion shots, gargling Toilet Duck all the way? Cause I sure as hell would be! And What The Fuck! What has happened to the Sanders hair? It's…(choking slightly)…FLAT! As Greg desperately tries to get Sara's attention (which is still fixed with withering venom on a certain blonde detective), we focus behind the team…
"Captain Brass is in the background…And no-one notices him!"
We notice…actually, no, we don't. That's kinda the point. He might be wearing dreadlocks and a muumuu, or be having an intense relationship with a rubber cactus. We don't know, and the writers don't care. Still, as long as Brass can toss out sarcasm and state the obvious from time to time, he's happy enough.
"They're tough. They're mean. They're full of…knowledge. They are…CSI!"
However, we do notice Brass when he trips over, and falls into the back of Greg, who 'accidentally' falls onto Sara, who smacks with equal determination into Grissom, who shrugs, and decides to join the trend, and give Catherine the opportunity to fall on Warrick (feeling him up along the way). Warrick misses Nick, but the sound alone is enough to send him racing into the night with a banshee-like howl. The rest of the team writhe unconvincingly on the ground, with half trying to stand up and the other half pulling them back down so they can grope some more.
Yep, they're back. At this point the gruff, Hollywood voice gets sick of being gruff all the time and breaks into a Pavarotti number. We beat a hasty retreat.
AN: So there ya go! Hope you like it! This is my first attempt at parody, and I need reviews. Praise, flames, it's all good. Also, I don't know if this is going to be a one-off or not. Having only seen the start of season six yesterday (I live in England, and we are woefully behind!) I might continue based on the next episode. And whether or not you think I should bother. Let me know!
AN 2: Fear not, fans of YoBling! Personally, I reckon that Tina is little more than a complication that will eventually be killed off, or divorced, or whatever. As for Walter Gordon's accomplice, I honestly don't know, and you will probably find out before I do, but has anyone considered…Hodges?
(Ba-dum-bum.)
