Author: Jeanette Kofoed
Series: 1/? in the "Mistakes Happen" series.
Pairing: P/T, C/P (only insinuated)
Rating: PG, sappy POV…
Disclaimers: The characters (thought not called by name herein) belong to paramount, the story to me.

Thank you Kim, who kindly betaed this for me and did a great job...

Dedicated everyone's first/only/greatest love...

Past Mistakes…

***

I sit here, and it feels like I'm miles away.

I'm just watching, I tell myself. I'm just watching…and at the same time dwelling on the thought of what I have missed. Love, passion…everything I have ever wanted.

He smiles brightly at her - just her. Not even recognizing I'm here. Maybe I'm not; maybe I don't exist for him anymore.

I lost it all, in one night, in one talk. One talk was all it took to shatter the carefully built friendship we had.

A little cuddle, some shy fondling.

It was all it took.

I remember it wasn't the first time; though the first time I had pretended not to care, not to be effected as his fingers laced with mine and stroked my hand softly with his thumb. But it did. My heart was pounding, the feeling in my stomach was uncomfortable, strange. I was sweating lightly, just enough to know it myself, not the way you get when you have been exercising hard, but the way you get when you are embarrassed or worried…

I was sure he could feel it, could feel my heart pound so hard.

This time, we were on the couch again, me settled between his legs; don't ask me how I ended up there. One second I had been watching the scene before us with interest, discussing it with him, and the next moment I was sitting there against him, feeling him against my back. Spirits, it felt wonderful and yet so…so frustrating.

Yes frustrating, that is the right word, because I couldn't do anything. Couldn't say anything, not then, not until that night.

Why couldn't I just be like everyone else? Be comfortable with my feelings; be able to control my emotions; but no. I had to feel like a virgin, and I was, in this case anyway.

He had wanted to kiss me, I could feel it, and Spirits, I wanted it too. This time it was his heart that was pounding so fast and hard, and I not mine. Which was perhaps the only reason I dared ask him.

"What are we doing?"

We had no idea. He told me he had loved me, get this - he had - that was until we had gotten separated. Separated in a battle he didn't really care for and thrown into a prison where a beautiful bird like him didn't belong. Before that we had been friends, it might have been a weird friendship, there is no doubt about that, but what a wonderful refreshing friendship was.

Anyway, back to the point.

All in all, he had wanted to do something about it before we got separated, before he disappeared, but it never happened, and now…now he just wanted to see if anything could happen between us. If his feelings were still there, if mine were. There was no doubt in my mind about me loving him back then, I still did and do.

I just didn't tell him. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know. Don't know why I told him that I thought we should think about it, and that if we still felt the same way in a week we should talk.…

That talk never came.

Now he's sitting right in front of me, kissing her passionately. I sometimes try and make a joke but he doesn't laugh, it's like he doesn't even want to recognize my being there. I try to talk with him, but he ignores me.

It hurts, it hurts a lot. Mostly because I know it's my fault we aren't together. Had I just kissed him, stopped being so nervous, stopped being such a coward, maybe we would be together, just maybe…and just maybe I would have had the chance to kiss him, to feel him, to show him that I love him, loved him then, and will until the day I die. I can't help it.

I hate her you know, deeply. I hate the ground she walks on, her ease around him, her ability to do to him what I couldn't, and to give him what he wanted. No, that's not true. I don't hate her, it's not her fault, and I'm happy for them, I wish them all the best. I do, I truly do. I just can't help thinking that the day they break up I can have my chance again, and it will all be all right. And they will break up, they just have to…please.

Why couldn't we not just still be friends? Why?

Is it because I'm an idiot? Because he feels embarrassed around me? Why don't I know, what am I doing wrong?

Someone please tell me?

*******
Today they married…today my life ended…today…today I really regret not doing something else back then…just something…just…

Why?

:::Continued in "Acknowledgement":::