Dear;
brain, sorry for overloading you.
Tummy, sorry for the butterflies.
Pillow, sorry for the tears.
Dear Heart;
Sorry for the damage. /3
I've gone through a lot in my life. From depression, to eating disorders, to falling in love with a guy who was way to good for me, to almost getting raped by a guy I've known since I was four years old. Over my life, I've had heart aches, and happiness. Love and Loss. Butterflies and snake bites. Most people that know me, only think of me as the girl who keeps her feelings to herself, who hides away from the world and puts on a happy face. They don't know my real story, because I've been too scared to tell people. This is an account of what has happened to me, and what I plan to do with myself after you turn the page, and the story is over. My name is Gabriella Montez, and if you care enough to read on, this is my story.
I guess sometimes I just lose sight of who I have in my life. Sometimes I lose sight so much that the people I love the most are the people I end up losing. Sometimes I feel so alone in my own private world that I forget there's real people out there who care about me. Sometimes I love my private world too much, too much that I never want to leave it. I've spent my whole life in my make believe world that I havn't done things most people my age have. Ever since I was little I hid away, unable to accept what was going on with my family and myself. Unable to accept the fact that I have an eating disorder, be it starvation or binging. The sound of my stomach growling for food is one of the best sounds in the world. I feel like I have control over everything in my life, School, Friends, Family, depression.
Writing this out now, while I sit on my bed listening to music I begin to feel somewhat better. Like maybe I might be able to over come my fears of the real world, like I might be able to stop hiding and finally be myself. Maybe then I'll be happy. I know when I'm skinny I'll be happy. . . I'll be pretty. . .
Maybe then, people might start to notice me. They'll smile at me and think I'm pretty. Things will be different. I wont be out shined by my best friends. Guys will look at me and think I'm the pretty one. And I will be. That's my dream. It walk down the street and be able to hold my head up high and know I'm pretty. To know that I wont have to hide anymore, that I can be myself. I want this more then anything. Have you ever wanted something so much that, you would hurt yourself just to make it real? Have you ever wanted a dream to come true so badly that you lie awake at night, knowing that if it came true, all the fears and heartaches in your life, would just. . . disappear?
A tear forms in my dark browns eyes. I reach over to the bedside table. No tissues. Sighing, I throw my feet over the edge of my bed, the cold wooden floors feel good on my bare feet. The low sound of " stay" by Miley Cyrus is playing in the background. Walking over to the window, the sky is full of stars tonight. "It's gonna be a cold night," I mumble to myself. I push the window open, and pull myself onto the window sill. Making myself comfortable, I lean my head against the cold wooden frame. Another tear forms in my eyes. Slowly it falls down my cheek. "I love you more, then I did before and if today I don't see your face. Nothing's changed. No one can take your place. It gets harder everyday. Say you loved me more then you did before and I'm sorry that it's this way. But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home, and if you ask me I will stay. . . " I sing quietly to myself. A cold wind blows into my bedroom, making the small hairs on my arms stand up. I shiver and jump down from the window.
"I hate this. I hate being alone so much. . ."
I could talk to my mom, but she just makes me so mad! She treats me like I'm five years old. Like I can't take care of myself. It's so annoying. Whenever I try to talk to her she just gets pissed off and starts giving out to me. And when I don't talk to her, she gets mad for me "not telling her wants going on in my life." Ugh! I just can't win with that woman. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna get her to relies that I'm not a little kid anymore. She doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't know about Jack, and what he did to me. She doesn't know about Troy. . .
Troy. . . . I havn't thought about him in a while. When I think of him, my heart hurts. It feels like there's apart of me that's missing. He was amazing. He was my everything. . . Now we don't talk anymore. Now, everything has changed.
Troy and I met around the time I was way over my head with problems. He made me forget about the world. Forget about my problems. Who I was and who I was trying to be. From the moment we met we clicked. Maybe it was a mistake to fall for someone who's already in love, or maybe it was ment to be. Whatever it was. It was amazing. . . .
Summer 2008:
"Come on Gabriella, come to the beach. It'll be fun!" Taylor, my best friend said pulling me off my bed. "It's summer and you're wasting away watching TV!"
"I don't care Taylor. I'm perfectly fine sitting here watching TV," I said, pressing the remote control trying to change the channel. Taylor and I had been best friends for years. She was amazing! She always knew how to make me smile. She was my other half. We did everything together. Well, until my eating disorder got worse.
"Well I care and I'm not letting my best friend waste her summer in bed!" Using all her strength she pulled me up. It wasn't hard for her, I wasn't eating much lately so I had lost a lot of weight. 'Skin and Bone' is what she called me. I didn't care, I normally just brushed it off.
"Gabriella come on! Get ready, and we'll go look at some cute guys"
"Fine. Fine! I'll go, as long as you stop annoying me about guys!"
Happy, Taylor got her own way, she skipped out of the dark bedroom room I was sitting in. I pulled myself off the bed and turned off the TV. Stretching I stood up.
Put on a smile Gabriella. Just smile and pretend to be happy. Taylor deserves that much.
"You ready to go?" Taylor asked
"Yeah" I sighed pulling on a white t-shirt.
"Gabs, we're going to the beach. Wear something else."
"Like what?" I said looking in the mirror. All I could see was an ugly fat teenager.
"Gabriella, you're a size 6, if your not gonna wear a swim suit atleast wear shorts and a tank top."
"Taylor, no. I don't wan-" I was cut off by her digging though my closet.
"Here we go! Found something." She smiled, pulling out denim shorts and a blue tank top.
"Put these on" Taylor smiled throwing the clothes at me.
I didn't even bother fighting with her. I took the clothes and stalked off to the bathroom.
Walking down the hall, Taylor smiled when she seen me. She picked up my shoes.
"Here. Now lets go! I need to look at some hot boys!"
"Fine. But I'm only doing this for you"
"I know!" And with that she grabbed my hand and pulled me out the front door of my house.
"Taylor, I still dont have my shoes on!" I said trying to pull out of her grip.
"Oh sorry." She smiled letting go of me. I sat down on the curb. The asphalt was hot because of the California sun. I pulled on my old black converse . Running my hand through my hair I stood up.
"Come on beautiful, we have a beach to visit." Summer was what Taylor lived for. No school, and hot boys. That's what see always said. We hardly spent anytime together because, well I never wanted to leave the house, but sometimes she'd get angry at me and drag me to the mall or like today, the beach. I knew she ment well, but I knew her too well, she had a plan. And her plan was for me to fall for this guy called Troy. We were in the same class but people like him didn't talk to people like me. He was captain of the school's basket-ball team. The guy every girl loved. With his light brown hair and piercing blue eyes, he could make any girl swoon. And with a smile that could bring a dead puppy back to life. . . Yeah, maybe I did like him, but Taylor didn't need to know that. And as for Troy? He didn't need to know either. He didn't even know who I was. Or at least I thought he didn't.
Taylor pulled me out of my daydream by yelling at me.
"GABRIELLA! Were you even listening to me?" She asked looking at me. I couldn't help but smile.
"Of course Tay."
"Yeah? Then what was I talking about?"
I knew the answer. She always talked about the same guy. Chad. Who just happened to be Troy's best friend. She loved him ever since second grade when he caught her when she fell off the jungle jym.
"You were talking about Chad." I said with a smile. Something Taylor could always do was make me laugh and make me forget about everything.
"Hmmm, you got lucky." She said with a laugh, she took my arm and pulled me down the the beach. It was crowded with teenagers on summer vacation.
"Maybe we should come back later. I mean there is a lot of people here."
"Gabs, this is what summer is about! You can't spend it locked in you'r bedroom. You're only a teenager once and I know you're not well but the only way you're gonna get better is if you get out of your house and start having fun!"
I sighed, apart of me knew Taylor was right, but didn't want to say it. Put on a happy face. The voice in my head said to me. Smile, and look happy. She's your best friend and she wants you to have some fun. It wont kill you.I suppressed a sigh.
"Fine, but only for you!" and with that she grabbed my arm and pulled me onto the sandy beach.
