So this was orginally just going to be a one shot about Clary comforting Jace but it morphed into something else so Im kind of just going with it. I know it is a little messy, I was honestly just having fun with it. There is lots of Clace and some Malec and its overall just turning out to be an interesting story.
I dont own the Mortal Instruments or any other characters obviously. Please R&R
Clary rolled over restlessly. Her bed that was usually warm felt lonely and cool. Her eyes flew open instinctively when she realized Jace wasn't there. Jace's room was still dark indicating that it wasn't morning yet. She was about to lean up on her elbow to try and get a better look around the room when a splash of pale light brightened the room. It took Clary's sleepy eyes a minute to adjust before she caught the sight of his silhouette in the window. His back was mostly to her, and he had pulled the curtain aside on the only window in the room. Moonlight cascaded around him making his messy hair shine white, and the pale skin on his shirt free frame glow, only emphasizing the dark runes on his skin more. Clary tried to keep her breathing even so as not to tip him off that she had woken up. He had been having bad dreams lately, Clary knew, but he wouldn't talk to her about them. Every couple of nights she would wake to find her lover gone. The first time she found him in the training room, burning off whatever emotion had brought him out of bed. When she had asked Jace the next morning about it, he had told her simply he had had a bad dream and he didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to respect him and let him handle it on his own, but when it kept happening she knew he wasn't dealing with whatever it was. Not well anyway.
Jace would never talk about it though. Every time she'd bring it up he would change the subject, or distract her somehow, not that that was hard when he walked around everyday looking like an actual angel. Clary watched her boyfriend stare out into the night, and wondered silently what was going on inside his mind. Jace's mind was always such a hard thing for Clary to understand. He had been through so much, seen so much. She had no idea how he found the will to keep going after all this time, and he was never one to talk about it. She admired his strength and his independence but she couldn't help but feel a little helpless when she was the only one who could see how not okay he was and yet she still could do nothing about it. She needed him to let her in. Jace's shoulders were rigid and he stood very still, though he didn't seem very present. Clary was sure he wasn't paying nearly as much attention to his surroundings as he should be, as he usually would be. She stayed on the bed though, and watched him silently.
After a few minutes Jace reached up with a trembling hand and pulled the curtain back over the window, washing the room yet again in darkness. She waited for him to leave the room, fully expecting him to abandon sleep like he usually did when he was woken, and was startled when the bed creaked under his weight. He had sat on the edge of the bed. Clary had jumped only slightly when he had sat but it was enough. Jace knew she was awake.
"How long have you been up Clary?" He said into the darkness.
"How long have you been up?" She said in a tiny voice. She meant to sound as miffed as she felt at his emotionless, almost annoyed tone, but instead she sounded fearful. He turned his body to face her a little, something Clary only knew because of the creaking and shifting of the bed. Even right next to her the darkness was too thick to see through.
"Go back to sleep babe." He said in a much more softer tone. Clary sighed and rolled onto her back, staring towards the ceiling. He didn't understand, it wasn't just that she was upset that she couldn't help him, she also hated waking up with him gone. It reminded her of that horrible day in Idris, the first night they had spent together. She woke up to find that he had left, and would probably never return, leaving nothing but a letter and his ring for her. The same empty pit would open up in her stomach every time she would wake up without his warmth. Clary would have to spend at least an hour convincing herself that he was just in the training room, or downstairs, or in the library. That he would come back.
"Clary?" Jace asked when Clary stayed silent. His voice broke her from her reverie.
"I've been trying so hard." Clary whispered into the night. Jace started to say something but Clary cut him off. "I've been trying to respect your wishes and not push you about whatever is going on with you Jace. You've been distant, nervous, absent. You hardly sleep, you keep leaving me in the middle of the night, for longer and longer periods of time and every time." Clary had to stop as unexpected emotions bubbled in her chest. Her breath hitched and she tried to blink back tears. She didn't know why she was crying. She took a deep breath and Jace waited patiently for her to start again. "Every time I wake up and you're gone I remember that day-"
"In Idris?" He finished for her. Clary's mouth snapped shut, she was ashamed that it was even true, let alone that she was telling him. None of what happened during the war was his fault. He had only been trying to save his family, save her. He had been doing what he thought was right. The fact that it could still hurt her today wasn't his fault either. Suddenly Clary was being pulled against Jace's chest as he laid down and wrapped his arms around her. She settled her head in the crook of his neck and let him rub soothing circled on her back.
"I'm sorry Clary. I don't ever mean to hurt you." Clary didn't miss the fear in his sentiment. Her worry over this trivial matter suddenly took a back seat as she remembered just what was causing all of this. Clary sat up and touched Jace's face softly. This close she could make out the lines of his face, just barely see the way his full lips were pulled down into a slight frown. She could see a few strands of hair had fallen over on side of his face. His brows were furrowed over his eyes that were still so golden even in the dark. He was watching her carefully, unsure and afraid. Clary brushed the strands of hair back off his face and he leaned into her touch affectionately. "Baby." She whispered. He met her eyes in the darkness, a storm brewing behind the gates of heaven. "Please talk to me." she begged in a whisper. More traitorous tears pricked her eyes. It wasn't that she was sad, she just loved Jace so much, and she hated to see him so obviously afraid and hurt. Her heart was breaking that she couldn't do anything for him. Jace brushed her cheek with his own scarred hand. "I am not used to seeing you cry." he said to her evenly, as if they were discussing the weather. Clary couldn't take it anymore. With an animalistic growl in frustration she pushed off his chest and jumped out of bed. She gracefully landed on the balls of her feet and stalked over to the light switch where she rudely flipped it on. Jace groaned and threw his hand over his eyes. "Ouch. Clary what the hell." His shirt was hanging on her tiny frame like a dress, billowing around her thighs. The room was chilly enough to give her goosebumps in her state of undress. Clary had no doubt her curly hair was a wild mess from being slept on, and that her emerald eyes were lit with the fire of her frustration.
"Clary turn the light off what are you doing." Jace was still groaning with his hand over his eyes.
"I'm not used to you making me cry Jace but god dammit I love you. Don't you know that?" At her tone and accusation Jace immediately stopped complaining and lowered his hand to look at her in surprise.
"I love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I ever had to lose you, and you are right here with me every day and yet I feel closer to losing you than I ever have. Not even when you were traipsing around prague with Sebastian did I ever feel this far away from you." Jace winced at the low blow Clary didn't mean to throw. Her anger got the best of her and everything she had been feeling was flying out of her mouth and she couldn't stop it.
"I'm terrified Jace. Of everything because I don't know if there is something seriously going on, or if you're just losing interest, and either way I feel like you don't care enough to tell me about it. You don't keep things from me Jace, you never have. This silence that we have been dancing around for the past month is not us and I am scared. I just love you so much. I just want to help, I can't stand seeing the pain so plainly on your face because I cant help you." tears were running down her face hot and fast and she wasn't exactly being quiet. Jace had rolled out of bed too and had been slowly approaching her as she was talking. When she stopped and wiped angrily at the tear tracks on her face he was a mear arms length away from her. His expression was worried and apologetic. He held his slender pianist hands out in front of him, as if he was surrendering to an enemy. When he spoke his voice was soft and cautious, as if trying to persuade a beast to not maul his face.
"I'm sorry Clary. I'm sorry. This isn't us okay love, this isn't us. I'll tell you. Please, come here." He opened his arms to welcome her into his embrace. She looked at him skeptically for a few moments. Taking in his shirtless figure, all the scars and runes lining his abdomen like a road map of his painful past. All the hardships, torture, monsters - demon or otherwise - , and pain he had faced. It was all mapped out on his pearly skin. "You'll tell me?" She asked finally. He dropped his arms in defeat and pursed his lips. With fear spilling out of his golden eyes he nodded. She sighed like a big weight had been lifted and then quietly turned the light back off, took his hand and led him back to bed.