Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are…
Mary watches Dean playing with his toy truck in the sand box John had built for him last summer, a hand placed on the bulge where another baby is growing. She heaves a sigh and turns to look at her husband, watching his son with a smile.
"Do you really have to go?" she asks, even though she knows the answer is yes. Yes, her husband has to go, he has to leave is family. He's doing it for his country.
"I'm sorry Mary…" John says, smile slipping away. It's a conversation they've had many times, one they'll have until he leaves.
"It's okay…" Mary isn't sure why she says that. It's not okay. Her husband is leaving her alone with a four year old and a baby who will be born in a couple of months. "It's just… I don't know what to say to Dean." It's another conversation they've had before.
As they watch their son playing with his Tonka truck and babbling things to no one in particular, Mary can't ignore the feeling that something will go terribly wrong.
"Mary, stop worrying. Everything will be alright. I promise." And it's a promise he intends to keep.
"I hope you're right…"
And that's the end of the conversation for now. She knows that she'll have to talk to Dean eventually. That she will have to explain why his daddy won't be there anymore. But for now she lets him keep his innocence. He'll lose it soon enough.
Here comes the rain again...
She watches the sunset, the colors changing from red to orange and from orange to pink. She hears Dean laugh at something his father says and smiles softly. It's a sound she'll commit to memory, her baby's laugh, one she'll never want to forget. She can hear John's heavy footsteps in the stairs, followed closely by smaller ones.
"Mommy!" Dean yells and runs to her, hugging her tight. Mary picks him up in her arms and holds him close. God knows how long she will be able to do this.
She listens to Dean talk about splashing his father in the bathtub and smiles. How she wishes that it could always be like this. John looks at her over Dean's head and smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He's wishing the same thing.
"When will I get to play with Sammy?" Dean asks suddenly and Mary looks down at him.
"Who is Sammy?"
The little boy in her arms smiles. "It's the baby! That's what I call it in my head."
Mary looks at John then. They've been searching for a name ever since they found out she was pregnant. Her husband nods, telling her that yes; she can name the baby Sam. She puts Dean down so he can play before it's time to go to sleep.
"It's going to be okay." John repeats. "If you need help, Bobby is just across the street."
Mary nods. She knows all that.
"You won't be there for Sam's birth…" she says. Her voice is soft and John almost misses what she said.
"I'm sorry."
She shakes her head.
"No, it's okay. Will you at least be there with me to tell Dean you're going away? Please?"
John nods and that's the end of it, for tonight at least.
Falling from the stars...
She makes train shaped pancakes for Dean's breakfast, because her little boy asked for it. She sets the plate in front of him and sits down besides John.
"Dean, baby, mommy and daddy have something to tell you, okay?" she asks.
"Shmokay!" he says, mouth full of pancakes.
"Don't talk with food in your mouth." she reprimands. Dean smiles sheepishly and waits for them to start talking.
"Your…" Mary starts, but she doesn't know how to tell her son that his father is leaving to fight a war and that he might never come back. "Daddy has to leave soon."
"Okay. When are you coming back?" Dean asks his father.
"In a long time. I have to go fight a war, do you understand?"
Dean nods. "Like in the movies!"
"Something like that."
"You'll be there when Sammy is… what's the word mommy?"
"Born?"
"Yes! When Sammy is born?"
John shakes his head. "Sorry bud, I can't be there. You'll be the man of the house while I'm gone, okay?"
Dean nods his little head. "I'll protect Sammy and mommy!"
Drenched in our pain again...
Dear John,
You left today. This morning, while I was making breakfast, Dean asked me where you were. I told him you were gone to fight in the war, like you said. He looked at me and said 'My daddy is going to be a hero!' He was so proud of you John. I'm proud too. I wish you didn't have to leave, but I understand why you did it, and I'm sorry for all the nagging I did while you were here.
Little Sam gave a kick today. I think he's anxious to get out. Let's hope he waits a little more. Dean asked me if we could go for a ride in your car. I didn't scratch it, don't worry. We started a garden today, Dean and me. I dug the holes and he planted the seeds. I think he thought the flowers would grow in a couple of hours.
I miss you already John. Please come back in one piece.
Love,
Mary.
Mary folds the piece of paper and puts it away in a shoebox. She won't send the letters to John, but she'll give them to him when he gets back. Sam gives another kick and she smiles.
"Wait little baby, you'll be here soon enough."
Becoming who we are...
She's making Dean a grilled cheese sandwich when she hears the baby crying. She smiles sadly. Her little Sammy is born, but John isn't there to share the joy. She cuts the sandwich and calls Dean before going to pick up the baby.
When she gets back in the kitchen, Dean is already half finished with his sandwich.
"Mommy!" he asks, mouth full of cheesy goodness. "Chcan I play wich Shammy?"
Mary smiles at her son.
"Don't talk with your mouth full baby."
Dean swallows his food and tries again.
"Can I play with Sammy?"
"He's too small to play with your toys, but you can hold him if you want."
"Can I tell him stories?"
"Of course you can, baby."
Dean finishes his sandwich in record time and washes his hands; he knows the rules. He sits down on the leather recliner – the one his daddy always uses – and grabs for his baby brother. Mary hands him the baby and sits on the couch.
Dean pets his brother's head and smiles.
"The story I'm going to tell you is about a hero Sammy, so you have to listen really carefully because it's about Daddy. I know you don't know him yet, but you'll love him. Daddy is a soldier. A soldier is kind of like my G.I Joe that you keep putting in your mouth. And he's gone to fight a war because he loves us very, very much and he wants to protect us. And while he's gone, I'm the man of the house. That means that I have to protect you and mommy because I'm your big brother. That's what big brothers do, okay Sammy?"
The baby shrieks and put his little fist in his mouth. Dean smiles.
"I love you Sammy!"
As my memory rests...
Dear John,
Dean finally got to see some of the flowers he planted. They've started growing. He was so happy, he almost ran over them. He told Sam a story today; a story about his father the hero who loved us all very much. He misses you John. He keeps asking when you're coming back because you said you'd try to be there when he starts school next week. I know you can't be there, but I don't know what to say to him. Can you imagine, our little boy is starting school next week? We went shopping for school supplies. He chose a little schoolbag with trains on it. He wants to be a train driver, but last week it was a firefighter and the week before that, a police officer. He still has time to decide
I miss you John. Please come back in one piece.
Love,
Mary.
She folds the letter and puts it away in the shoe box that's already almost full. Her husband has been gone a long time.
But never forgets what I lost...
She wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of screaming. He room is full of smoke and there's banging on the door.
"Mommy! Mommy!"
She gets up and there's fire blocking her bedroom door.
"Dean? Grab Sammy and go to Uncle Bobby's!"
"But mommy…"
"Now Dean! I'll come see you when I get out!"
She can hear her son's footsteps running across the house to grab his little brother, and then she hears him running down the stairs.
She takes a deep breath and runs to her closet where she hid the shoebox. She knows it's stupid but she can't let the letters burn. She throws the box outside her bedroom window and she's getting ready to jump but the ceiling falls, blocking her way.
She closes her eyes and prays that her sons are both safe at Bobby's.
Wake me up when September ends...
John hears the sirens before he sees what's happening. He's sitting in a taxi going home. He didn't tell Mary to surprise her and the boys. Boys… Sam's born and he wasn't even there.
"Sir, I can't go any further, there's a fire."
That's when John sees it. His home is on fire.
He runs out of the taxi and sees Bobby trying to hold back Dean.
"MOMMY! NOOOO MOMMY!"
He picks up Dean and holds him close.
"Daddy, mommy's still inside!"
John holds his son tighter against his chest and looks at Bobby. 'Where's Sam?' he mouths and Bobby points to his house. Sam's all wrapped up and sleeping on the porch.
It takes hours to stop the fire. Dean doesn't stop crying and keeps asking for his mother and John has to explain that Mary's dead. He wants to cry but he needs to be strong for his sons.
Dean's falling asleep in Karen's arms when the firefighters knock on Bobby's door. They hand John a shoebox they found on the ground and express their condolences for his loss. He thanks them and closes the door.
He finally cries when he opens the box. Inside, there are Mary's letters. A letter for each day he was gone.
The End.