A/N: Hi guys! I know that most of you probably are waiting for an update of my other story "Collateral Damage". When I re-watched 1x11 "Undercover" and its fabulous "respect the line" scene that will always be one of my favorites, the idea for this story popped up in my head, though, and I had to write it first (causing a delay on the "Collateral Damage" update I will hopefully make up for next week). Whereas the "good girl scene" earlier in season one convinced me that Cal was attracted to Gillian, I always thought Gillian only understood Cal's feelings for her during the "line scene". So I guess you could say this story is kind of an homage to that scene, exploring what could have happened in their past that made her realize that.
This story has been written for the greater part during two extremely hot summer nights when I couldn't sleep. Maybe that's the reason why there is some (minor) swearing.
Disclaimer: Lie to me and its characters are owned by Fox. So is the dialogue from 1x11 that I quote here. No copyright infringement intended. All I "own" regarding Lie to me is a strong affection for the show and its characters. You might even call it an obsession on some days. ;)
"You were protecting me?"
"Something like that. Yeah."
If you asked Cal Lightman and Gillian Foster about the day he offered her to be his partner back then when he started The Lightman Group, they would probably tell you this:
Both of them were working at the Pentagon at the time. A place well known for having eyes and ears everywhere so that Cal didn't want to discuss it there. Therefore he let Gillian know what he had to offer and they met after work a couple of days later to talk the details through.
They had dinner at an Italian restaurant that served Gillian's favorite dessert. That evening Cal learned about her proclivity for chocolate pudding. It is the part of the story that always makes them laugh whenever they tell it, no matter whether it's the umpteenth time, and you will stand there, look at them, and think how nice it is that they are obviously not only affiliates but also friends.
Next, Cal will tease Gillian that he knew the moment he saw her that evening that she was about to say yes to his offer but that he practically begged her to accept it, anyway, just for her benefit. Of course, she will deny it and they will banter some more until you will ask yourself if your affiliates and friends scenario is actually all there is between them. Later, one of their employees, most likely Ria Torres or Eli Loker, will tell you that Cal Lightman is divorced but Gillian Foster married. They will tell you to clear things up because they saw the question on your face although you didn't say the words. After all, it's their job to read people. And you will abandon your theory that there might be more between them, settle for the affiliates and friends scenario, and leave it at that.
Even afterwards you will not realize that their nice story, told by such captivating personalities, solely served the purpose to lure you into a trap. Albeit the story is true, the storytellers lied to you by omission because the real story is everything that happened after the moment Gillian had eaten that delicious dessert and had officially said yes to Cal's offer. And the real story is not only about laughter and being friends. It never is.
If Cal Lightman were to talk about what else he remembers about the day he offered Gillian Foster to be his partner back then when he started The Lightman Group, this is what he would say (not that he plans on talking about it, ever):
He doesn't remember what they had for dinner, only that she had chocolate pudding for dessert. This is his favorite part of the story whenever they tell it. Well, whenever they tell that part of the story and skip the rest that is. Plus he leaves aside the fact that even that part had been edited by him before it could be safely retold countless times. It is a fond memory now, but it was something entirely different before, something you can't pass off as part of a nice how-we-started-our-business-together story. The moment Cal watched Gillian eat her dessert, making those low sounds of rapturous delight, was the moment he realized he wanted to kiss her and maybe more.
Her proclivity for chocolate pudding in particular and sweets in general is a lovely character trait. Except that his thoughts back then weren't even remotely lovely. She just had told him that yes, she wanted to be his partner. Everything should have been perfect. And it was, at least in a way. Gillian had been Cal's sole choice as a partner. If she had declined his offer, he would have started a business on his own. He had picked her because of her field of expertise as an authority on speech patterns and because he had come to appreciate her warm-hearted and reliable personality when he had been her patient (even if it had been against his will, but that's another story he doesn't talk about). So, in a way, Cal couldn't have been happier if only his choice hadn't turned out to be such a challenge. Cal is and always has been a philanderer. Faithful to his wife while he was married but still. That moment he knew, though, that this was different, that he was in deep water and would be every day from now on because he and Gillian would work together. The rest of the story, the part they never tell anyone and never talk about, basically boils down to this – damage control, an effort to stifle the truth. If no one mentions it, then maybe it never happened.
Gillian lived close to the Italian restaurant where they had met. Cal was walking her home when it started to rain. Without an umbrella to protect them from the downpour, it would have been the logical choice to hail a cab. But when Cal spotted the sign of a hotel and saw people sitting at the bar there, he went inside instead, tugging at Gillian's sleeve. To his surprise, she didn't seem to mind spending more time with him and went along. He doesn't remember how many glasses of wine they had – several, that's for sure, albeit neither of them was drunk. Cal does remember, though, how good it felt to talk to her. You're not just a pretty face, he told Gillian back then and it holds true. She is one of the few people he always enjoys talking to, one of the even fewer people whose opinion matter to him. Cal still uses the phrase from time to time simply because it makes her smile every time she hears him say it. Must be the words plus something special in his voice only she is able to catch. They talked about more details of their upcoming business partnership in between as an unspoken justification as to why neither of them showed any indication of wanting to leave whereas, strictly speaking, they had already changed the conversation to everything else that crossed their minds hours ago – science, micro expressions and speech patterns in particular as well as human behavior in general, but also why pugs are Cal's preferred dog breed and how much foam is the right amount for the perfect caffè latte. It was a seemingly incoherent mix but made perfect sense to them. They were on the same page. A match.
At some point Cal called his wife to tell her he would be late and Gillian texted her husband, who was in an unscheduled meeting, the same. There is always a choice. Stay or leave. Sit a little closer to her, casually touch her more often, or keep the distance. Let your look linger a bit longer or don't risk anything. Cal planned on training Gillian to read micro expressions and he was certain that she would be a fast learner. At that time he was glad, though, that she couldn't read him and hoped that the alcohol obliterated what she most certainly would have heard in his voice otherwise.
When the hotel bar closed at 1 AM, they walked out through the lobby after they had split the bill (This is no date, Cal. You don't get to pick up the check.). It was still raining albeit it was no downpour anymore but only a drizzle and they bantered about whether to walk the rest of the way (It's only rain, Cal. I won't melt.) or hail a cab (Bloody hell. What is it that women think is so romantic about walking in the rain? You only get wet.). That's why they stopped in the middle of the lobby that was empty except for one couple that had just arrived. They couldn't help but overhear them asking for a room. The couple had no luggage; it was obvious that they needed the room only for one night or rather a couple of hours. Cal caught Gillian's glance as she looked at him. It would have meant nothing if she had smiled at him whimsically, but her expression was thoughtful and when their eyes met, she looked away.
Memories are a funny thing. Since they reflect something that happened in the past, you would assume that they remain the same, but they don't. Cal's memories of that evening have the tendency to stretch and bend until he is no longer sure what is true and what is the result of his overactive imagination. The ugly carpet in the middle of the lobby. It was actually there; Cal is dead certain about it, remembers it because he looked at it to compose himself after Gillian had broken eye contact. The part of the evening they had spent at the hotel bar had been a game. Cal is a gambler and when the rain offered an opportunity, he didn't hesitate. They had discussed everything regarding their new company before. There was no need to stay with Gillian any longer, let alone that long, save that he wanted it. Cal was attracted to her on many levels – physically but also intellectually and emotionally. But as long as he didn't act upon his attraction that was all it was – a game. A fantasy, dangerous and exciting, but no one would be harmed. At least that had been the plan until he had caught that thoughtful look in her eyes before she looked away. As if she contemplated something. And as certain as Cal is about that damn, ugly carpet, he is as uncertain whether Gillian actually touched his hand next or not. He replayed that moment in his mind so often that he is unable to divide genuine memory from wishful thinking as justification for what happened then. Cal leaned forward to kiss her.
He had never cheated on his wife, never kissed another woman but his own during his marriage, let alone slept with one. And it's no feeble excuse when Cal would tell you that what he was about do to in that moment didn't feel like cheating either. It rather felt as if he had stepped out of the regular time and space continuum into another world that allowed him to follow a different path. One where he could see himself take Gillian's hand, walk up to the reception desk and ask for a room.
Again, Cal doesn't know whether he actually stepped closer or just imagines it whenever he replays the situation. Perhaps he didn't even lean forward, the wish to do it simply so strong that in retrospect it feels as if he did. Gillian's facial expression when she finally looked up and held his gaze is a genuine memory though. Cal can still feel its raw intensity flood through him even if he couldn't read her for the world. Something must have happened during the last hours they had been spending together that deprived him of his skills when it came to her. To this day, Gillian is the one person Cal has most trouble reading. So that look in her eyes didn't give away what she wanted but having a long close look at her, Cal realized what he wanted with an almost blinding clarity.
He had chosen her to be his partner because her essence is the exact opposite to his. Her pure soul versus his contaminated world. Over the course of the following years, Cal has learned that he can't help contaminating Gillian's world, no matter how hard he tries, that it is only a matter of time. The only resolution would be to not have her in his life and that is the one thing he is not able to do. Back then, though, it was the time of hope and new beginnings and he wanted to do it properly. So he decided to contain himself. For her sake. Instead of kissing her on the lips, he ended up kissing her on the corner of her mouth. Neither a lover's kiss nor an innocent kiss between friends. A kiss in waiting. It became their trademark. No one ever asked why they kiss that way. Especially not their spouses.
You might call it a quirk of fate that the moment Cal decided to keep his distance was the moment he fell in love with Gillian. An infinite loop. One wouldn't exist without the other.
If Gillian Foster were to talk about what else she remembers about the day Cal offered her to be his partner back then when he started The Lightman Group, she would tell you nothing.
Early in life Gillian learned that sometimes it's better to store memories away safely in neat boxes deep in your mind and never open them again. It's her way to compartmentalize. Save that Cal found the key to one of those boxes that contains one of her most precious, yet fragile, memories.
They are sitting in her office. It's late. Gillian just told Cal that her husband is addicted to drugs and Cal confessed that he had followed him because he hadn't known about the drug addiction and had believed infidelity to be the reason for his strange behavior. I was afraid you were gonna get hurt. It is one of those moments when their friendly, professional team play makes room for an intimacy that goes way beyond. By now, Gillian knows how to handle it whereas Cal's behavior often irritated her in the beginning. His intensity is a welcome gift as the driving force behind his work and his entire personality. As every flame, though, it burns you if you get too close. Therefore, she has learned to hold him at arms's length, metaphorically speaking. However, moments and words like these make it impossible to keep him at distance. The way he looks at her and says the words sets something in motion. It brings up memories and links them with what is happening right now.
Gillian remembers everything about the evening she accepted Cal's offer to be his partner. She might have perfected her system of neat, little boxes and selective memories over the years. Now that the box has been opened against her will, the details pour out though. The nice Italian restaurant, what they had for dinner, how Cal wouldn't give up until she took his offer, but especially what happened after dinner – the hotel bar, the way they just clicked, and then the awkward moment in the lobby. Gillian wasn't able to read people back then, let alone that reading Cal is always exceedingly difficult. Knowing him and his skills, however, she is certain that he was very well able to read her in that brief moment when she looked at him after they had overheard the couple at the reception desk. She even reached out for his hand when he leaned forward next, expecting him to kiss her, although she probably wouldn't have gone through with it. Gillian is not the cheating kind, but she remembers that she never had felt such a consuming longing before to be close to someone else in every possible way. That alone was a betrayal and the reason she needed to lock that memory away for good.
For all these years, Gillian has been believing that she misinterpreted Cal's move, that – no matter what it looked like at first and how much she wanted him to kiss her – he never intended to kiss her that way. When he ended up kissing her on the corner of her mouth, she thought it to be odd first albeit she loves it now. It is their trademark, and for once, she doesn't care what other people think when they witness it. It's as close as she allows herself to get to his flame. What she just saw in Cal's face when he told her about following her husband changes everything though. It gives what happened or rather not happened between them back then a whole new meaning. A meaning she couldn't understand at that time because she didn't know him then. Now she does. Inside out, you could say, except for that part. How could she have been so blind?
It leaves her speechless, emotions flood through her she is not ready to handle. Cal didn't kiss her in the lobby back then for her sake. He was afraid his move would hurt her, just as he is afraid her husband will hurt her. And being able to read him now, knowing him the way she does now, Gillian eventually sees the reason why he wanted and still wants to protect her so fiercely – especially from himself. It's not possible and yet... When you hear hooves, think horses not zebras. It's one of Cal's favorite quotes. He offered her partnership; it was his idea that they ended up at the hotel bar; he leaned forward to kiss her, really kiss her as she knows now; it was him who wanted her in his life. Moreover, Gillian knows about the low self-esteem the famous Dr. Cal Lightman has when it comes to certain traits of his character, knows about the allegedly contaminated world he lives in. They don't often talk about it but when they do, it always results in an argument because she can't convince him of the contrary. He simply won't let her. And she also knows that he has this weird idea that she somehow is pure and in danger of being contaminated by his world, by him. They never talk about that part, but she knows, anyway. It's one of the things that come along with being able to read your partner. Gillian had all the pieces of the puzzle. Yet, she wasn't able to put them together until now, had no idea he feels more than respect, friendship and trust when it comes to her. It seemed to be so much already.
"You were protecting me?"
Gillian has to be sure she doesn't get him wrong another time. His need to protect her doesn't necessarily mean that he... He could've protected her only as a friend. But his answer is clear in its ambiguity.
"Something like that. Yeah."
Something like that. Not yes or no or any other explanation. Just that. Plus the way he says it. For some reason, Cal has decided that he wants her to know what she means to him or at least doesn't mind anymore if she finds out. Perhaps a drug-addicted husband who is possibly cheating on her (Cal still believes that, no matter what she told him; she can see as much) changed the equation.
He touched her arm when he admitted that he was afraid she would get hurt and left his hand there, resting intimately on her skin. Gillian is barely able to breathe, more memories coming back. She can almost smell the humid air of the night that surrounded them after they finally had left the hotel lobby and had gone out. It was late summer, but the temperatures had already dropped and it felt like fall. In the end, Cal won their argument about how to get home. She couldn't resist to let him be the gentleman he so desperately wanted to be. He hailed a cab for her and another one for himself. Gillian remembers that she deliberately didn't look at him when he closed the door of her cab after she had gotten on, the moment in the hotel lobby still too present. She just waved him goodbye, pretending to search for something in her purse, trying to deal with the emotional roller coaster. What she felt back then was nothing compared to what she feels right now though. Either way it's a stampede. This is how Cal usually finishes his favorite quote about horses and zebras. And that is exactly how she feels. Her inner stampede is carrying her away whether she wants it or not. She has to stop it, can't hear herself think.
Gillian lowers her arm and he gets the hint and pulls his hand away. This is better. At least a bit. Then she realizes that Cal has been looking at her the entire time, expecting her to say something. Did he see everything in her face? Does he know that she knows? If only she could tell him how wrong he is believing that he is not good for her. Cal is the only good thing in her world that is upside down currently, her only constant, has been ever since they got to know each other. No matter how unpredictable he is sometimes, he never is when it comes to her. She won't tell him any of this though. Not now. It would open the door to an opportunity she is not ready to consider yet. There is enough going on in her life already – a drug-addicted husband, her marriage that is falling apart. So this is all she has to offer...
"You know, the line we talk about. You know, the line we have to draw because we see things people are hiding." She breaks eye contact and pauses for a moment. Save that I didn't see what you were hiding. How could you keep your feelings from me for all these years? When Gillian continues, her voice is low, vulnerable, "Things they don't want us to know." You didn't want me to know that you have feelings for me in the past, but now you do. Why? "I think we should respect the line. I think it's best for both of us." There is so much I don't understand right now, and at the same time, so much is falling into place. Just give me time. Please. She still can't look at him. "Goodnight, Cal." Merely saying these few sentences exhausted her. Gillian needs some time on her own to compose herself.
Cal doesn't respond, his silence eventually causing her to look at him. To her surprise and relief, Gillian detects the hint of a smile on his face. It's such a fleeting micro expression that no one else would have noticed, but she learned from the best and caught it – he knows and understands.
"Night, luv." Cal gets up and walks out.
It's a déjà vu. Just like when she sat in the cab back then, Gillian can't look at him now even if he indicated that things are okay between them. But the implication of what if weighs upon her mind. What if they had kissed that night (and maybe even more) and their guilt would have driven them apart? What if Cal hadn't decided to let her know the truth? But most of all – what if she will never be able to reciprocate his feelings, either because she will stay married (somehow she doubts that) or because loving a man like Cal is a challenge she is not sure she is up to (and that really worries her, that they will somehow find their way to each other but that – despite Cal's fears about him being the one to screw things up – it will be her in the end who will be responsible for their failure). And Gillian does not want him to see any of that, not even the slightest hint of insecurity about a future that might be waiting for them. Sometime. Somewhere.
In a way, she is protecting him, too.
Or something like that.
Fin
Call me crazy, but I really think I saw the hint of a smile on Cal's face in that scene.
Thank you for reading. Reviews are very appreciated. #LTMLives