Clark Kent woke up gradually to a feeling of being enclosed. "Lois?" No answer. He tried to get up, but found he couldn't move. He tried to open his eyes, but something, it felt like ducct tape, held them shut. Using his X-ray vision, he peered through his closed lids, and looked around. His entire body was encased in a large slab of concrete, from the neck down.It looked like it was steel-reenforced.
"BATMAN!" He used his heat-vision to burn through the duct tape, scorching his own eyelashes in the process, and began to flex his superhuman muscles. It felt like he'd been wrapped in titanium bars, which cut down on his mobility, and left him with no leverage. After a hard ten minutes, he managed to get himself free of his prison, and flew up into the middle of the room, scanning for his adversary. As he passed a mirror, he saw that Batman had put a lacy bonnet with flowers atop his head. If there were pictures, and there would be if he knew Batman, he would personally kill the Caped Crusader.
"You seem distraught, Superman." He whirled towards the sound, and saw, not Batman, but a video camera with speaker attachment. "You have no idea how long it took to get the molds to harden. Luckily, the tranquilizer I gave you worked perfectly. You didn't move, even when I posed you with Lex Luthor."
"You did WHAT?"
"Posed you with Lex Luthor. He was a little suspiscious at first, but I managed to get him over here, and you two got your picture taken together in front of several news reporters. It should be on the front page of every newspaper on earth by tomorrow."
The camera blew into a thousand red-hot pieces as Superman turned his heat-vision on it. This time, the Bat had gone too far. There would be a reckoning!
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
Superman stormed through the Watchtower like a force of nature, eyes blazing. "Where is he? I swear by Krypton I'll kill anyone I catch trying to hide him! Bring me Batman!" He kicked his way through the door to Batman's on-base quarters, and swept the area with X-rays. The radiation must have been what triggered the whipped cream, syrup, and chicken feathers, all of which were aimed at the door, and released with great force. The radiation must also have been set to trigger the digital camcorder.
His rage was built to a fever pitch now. He went at near-light speed towards the teleporter. At least, he would have, if not for the fact that his cape was stuck to his boot, causing him to trip and land face-down in the gooey mess on the floor.
"Hey, did you know that this is being broadcast to every TV channel on the entire world?" Superman looked up from his private slough of despond to see a grinning Flash. He began cursing loud enough to rattle the walls, and swept past the smirking speedster, as dignified as possible while tarred and feathered. He had reached the teleporter, and was about to set off to the Batcave, and reap his vengeance, when he was caught by his mid-section. He looked down to see Wonder Woman's gold lasso looped around him, and a green energy field that could only be coming from one source. He groaned. At this rate, he'd never get his revenge.
"Superman." Wonder Woman spoke in an imperious tone, with all the authority and wrath an Amazon princess could muster. "This has gone on long enough. You and Batman are ripping the league apart with your insane prank war. It ends now. Either negotiate a settlement, or we bring in a neutral party to mediate for you."
He writhed in the grip of the other heroes. "You don't understand! Do you have any idea what he just did to me? I'll never negotiate with that pointy-eared--"
"Very well. We shall import a mediator for the two of you." Superman noticed for the first time that Batman was trussed, much as he was, and held in the firm grip of the Martian Manhunter. "Flash, summon Nightwing. Tell him we need his help."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Okay, guys, now let's be cool about this. We get your problems ironed out, you two learn to chill out, and we can all go home before Spiderman's over." Nightwing heaved a long-suffering sigh. "It looked like a cool episode too."
Superman perked up. "Isn't it the one where he bonds with the alien symbiote and--"
"Nightwing, how many times have I told you that those stupid comic-book characters are a waste of time? Besides, aren't you a little old for that sort of thing?" Batman scowled at his erstwhile ward.
Nightwing flushed underneath his mask. "Look, I'm a grown man now, and you're not the boss of me!"
"Tell him, son!" put in Superman.
"You keep out of this, you big blue doofus!" Batman snarled. Superman jumped across the negotiating table towards him, but was held back by the chunk of glowing green rock in Nightwing's hand.
"The power of kryptonite compels you! The power of kryptonite compels you!" shouted the young vigilante. Superman drew back, pulling his cape across his face and hissing, eyes blazing with a demoniac fury.
"Nightwing, I've told you a thousand times, movies like The Exorcist affect your mind. They're not healthy."
"SHUT UP! FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE KID ANYMORE! YOU CAN'T JUST ORDER ME AROUND! I'M AN ADULT, AND I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS ABOUT WHAT TO WATCH!" Nighwing was screaming at his mentor, Superman forgotten for the moment.
"Gentlemen, could we stay on task, please?" Wonder Woman's voice came through the speakers in the sealed chamber. "The sooner you learn to get along, the sooner we let you out."
Nightwing, calmer now, sat back down and wiped the sweat off his forhead. "Okay, now where were we?"
"We were just talking about how you waste your time with comic books."
"Look, Bruce. One, this isn't about you and me, it's about you and Superman. Two, I've explaiened to you more times than I can count that comic books are a perfectly valid form of literature, despite their reputation."
"Picture books about a bunch of super-powered morons in spandex and kevlar, running around fighting evil and having soap opera personal lives. I didn't raise you to waste your life with garbage like that."
Nightwing laughed bitterly. "Raised? Is that what you call it? Funny, I remember a lot of emotional abuse, but not much child-rearing. Do you remember my senior prom, Bruce?"
"I don't see how that's relevant to the situa--"
"DO YOU REMEMBER MY SENIOR PROM?" Nightwing was screaming again, and almost standing on the table.
"I...don't recall the specific...details, no..." Batman muttered sheepishly.
"You don't remember it, because it NEVER HAPPENED! Instead of going to my SENIOR PROM, I was hanging from a stalactite in the Batcave."
"Well I--"
"BY MY FEET!"
"Now I remember. You had taken the Batmobile for a joyride. Disciplinary measures were required."
"You call hanging a seventeen-year-old by his ankles in a cave for three days a DISCIPLINARY MEASURE?" Now Nightwing actually was standing on the table, and flecks of spittle were flying everywhere.
"You hung him by his ankles for THREE DAYS?" The long-neglected Superman was aghast.
"I told you to keep out of this, Man of Cheez Whiz." Batman leaned in towards his foe.
"If I had known about your abusive behavior earlier, you'd be out of the league!"
"Take your Justice League and shove it up your-- Hey, your spit-curl is out of place."
Superman gasped, fell back, and pulled a small mirror from his belt, checking his forhead for hair displacement. Batman started laughing until he fell out of his chair. Nightwing had apparently suffered an emotional collapse, and sat sobbing, head in his hands.
"Okay, I think we can chalk this up as a total failure." Wonder Woman strode into the room, Martian Manhunter, the Flash, and Green Lantern following close behind. "Anyone else have any ideas?"
"Well," mused the Lantern, "there's always throwing them into deep space..."
To be continued...
"BATMAN!" He used his heat-vision to burn through the duct tape, scorching his own eyelashes in the process, and began to flex his superhuman muscles. It felt like he'd been wrapped in titanium bars, which cut down on his mobility, and left him with no leverage. After a hard ten minutes, he managed to get himself free of his prison, and flew up into the middle of the room, scanning for his adversary. As he passed a mirror, he saw that Batman had put a lacy bonnet with flowers atop his head. If there were pictures, and there would be if he knew Batman, he would personally kill the Caped Crusader.
"You seem distraught, Superman." He whirled towards the sound, and saw, not Batman, but a video camera with speaker attachment. "You have no idea how long it took to get the molds to harden. Luckily, the tranquilizer I gave you worked perfectly. You didn't move, even when I posed you with Lex Luthor."
"You did WHAT?"
"Posed you with Lex Luthor. He was a little suspiscious at first, but I managed to get him over here, and you two got your picture taken together in front of several news reporters. It should be on the front page of every newspaper on earth by tomorrow."
The camera blew into a thousand red-hot pieces as Superman turned his heat-vision on it. This time, the Bat had gone too far. There would be a reckoning!
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
Superman stormed through the Watchtower like a force of nature, eyes blazing. "Where is he? I swear by Krypton I'll kill anyone I catch trying to hide him! Bring me Batman!" He kicked his way through the door to Batman's on-base quarters, and swept the area with X-rays. The radiation must have been what triggered the whipped cream, syrup, and chicken feathers, all of which were aimed at the door, and released with great force. The radiation must also have been set to trigger the digital camcorder.
His rage was built to a fever pitch now. He went at near-light speed towards the teleporter. At least, he would have, if not for the fact that his cape was stuck to his boot, causing him to trip and land face-down in the gooey mess on the floor.
"Hey, did you know that this is being broadcast to every TV channel on the entire world?" Superman looked up from his private slough of despond to see a grinning Flash. He began cursing loud enough to rattle the walls, and swept past the smirking speedster, as dignified as possible while tarred and feathered. He had reached the teleporter, and was about to set off to the Batcave, and reap his vengeance, when he was caught by his mid-section. He looked down to see Wonder Woman's gold lasso looped around him, and a green energy field that could only be coming from one source. He groaned. At this rate, he'd never get his revenge.
"Superman." Wonder Woman spoke in an imperious tone, with all the authority and wrath an Amazon princess could muster. "This has gone on long enough. You and Batman are ripping the league apart with your insane prank war. It ends now. Either negotiate a settlement, or we bring in a neutral party to mediate for you."
He writhed in the grip of the other heroes. "You don't understand! Do you have any idea what he just did to me? I'll never negotiate with that pointy-eared--"
"Very well. We shall import a mediator for the two of you." Superman noticed for the first time that Batman was trussed, much as he was, and held in the firm grip of the Martian Manhunter. "Flash, summon Nightwing. Tell him we need his help."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Okay, guys, now let's be cool about this. We get your problems ironed out, you two learn to chill out, and we can all go home before Spiderman's over." Nightwing heaved a long-suffering sigh. "It looked like a cool episode too."
Superman perked up. "Isn't it the one where he bonds with the alien symbiote and--"
"Nightwing, how many times have I told you that those stupid comic-book characters are a waste of time? Besides, aren't you a little old for that sort of thing?" Batman scowled at his erstwhile ward.
Nightwing flushed underneath his mask. "Look, I'm a grown man now, and you're not the boss of me!"
"Tell him, son!" put in Superman.
"You keep out of this, you big blue doofus!" Batman snarled. Superman jumped across the negotiating table towards him, but was held back by the chunk of glowing green rock in Nightwing's hand.
"The power of kryptonite compels you! The power of kryptonite compels you!" shouted the young vigilante. Superman drew back, pulling his cape across his face and hissing, eyes blazing with a demoniac fury.
"Nightwing, I've told you a thousand times, movies like The Exorcist affect your mind. They're not healthy."
"SHUT UP! FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE KID ANYMORE! YOU CAN'T JUST ORDER ME AROUND! I'M AN ADULT, AND I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS ABOUT WHAT TO WATCH!" Nighwing was screaming at his mentor, Superman forgotten for the moment.
"Gentlemen, could we stay on task, please?" Wonder Woman's voice came through the speakers in the sealed chamber. "The sooner you learn to get along, the sooner we let you out."
Nightwing, calmer now, sat back down and wiped the sweat off his forhead. "Okay, now where were we?"
"We were just talking about how you waste your time with comic books."
"Look, Bruce. One, this isn't about you and me, it's about you and Superman. Two, I've explaiened to you more times than I can count that comic books are a perfectly valid form of literature, despite their reputation."
"Picture books about a bunch of super-powered morons in spandex and kevlar, running around fighting evil and having soap opera personal lives. I didn't raise you to waste your life with garbage like that."
Nightwing laughed bitterly. "Raised? Is that what you call it? Funny, I remember a lot of emotional abuse, but not much child-rearing. Do you remember my senior prom, Bruce?"
"I don't see how that's relevant to the situa--"
"DO YOU REMEMBER MY SENIOR PROM?" Nightwing was screaming again, and almost standing on the table.
"I...don't recall the specific...details, no..." Batman muttered sheepishly.
"You don't remember it, because it NEVER HAPPENED! Instead of going to my SENIOR PROM, I was hanging from a stalactite in the Batcave."
"Well I--"
"BY MY FEET!"
"Now I remember. You had taken the Batmobile for a joyride. Disciplinary measures were required."
"You call hanging a seventeen-year-old by his ankles in a cave for three days a DISCIPLINARY MEASURE?" Now Nightwing actually was standing on the table, and flecks of spittle were flying everywhere.
"You hung him by his ankles for THREE DAYS?" The long-neglected Superman was aghast.
"I told you to keep out of this, Man of Cheez Whiz." Batman leaned in towards his foe.
"If I had known about your abusive behavior earlier, you'd be out of the league!"
"Take your Justice League and shove it up your-- Hey, your spit-curl is out of place."
Superman gasped, fell back, and pulled a small mirror from his belt, checking his forhead for hair displacement. Batman started laughing until he fell out of his chair. Nightwing had apparently suffered an emotional collapse, and sat sobbing, head in his hands.
"Okay, I think we can chalk this up as a total failure." Wonder Woman strode into the room, Martian Manhunter, the Flash, and Green Lantern following close behind. "Anyone else have any ideas?"
"Well," mused the Lantern, "there's always throwing them into deep space..."
To be continued...