Hallucinating, it can be good. Or it can go horribly wrong. It can be good in a sense that you can visually feel your perfect dreams and feel happy. But it can be horrible in a sense it can let out your worse nightmare right in front of your eyes.
This time however I felt happy, dreaming of all the perfect situations I could think of. Remembering things I'd long forgotten. Crying alone.
-
Man up Jade, crying is for the weak, you're not weak.
the voices being pleasant, complementing me . Everything seemed so happy, something I don't often experience.
I turned my attention to a particular memory leaking its way into my head.
It was a Thursday, I had no interesting lessons just before lunch so I decided to wonder the halls before the bell. Well sure enough about 10 minutes later the bell did ring and the halls were filled with happy chattering children, but one thing was a miss. Beck, Tori, Robby and Andre were all crowded around the janitors closed which appeared to be locked from the inside. I strode up to them wondering what the commotion was, but as I got closed I heard what they were saying.
"Cat cmon' this is stupid come out" Robbie sighed
"Lil red, I have cupcakes" Andre had no cupcakes
"Cat, come on, if you come out I'll let you braid my hair like you wanted" Tori shuddered at the thought but still smiled even though Cat obviously couldn't see her
"Cat I'll drive you to freezy queen if you come out" Beck pleaded. After we broke up it was evident he had a crush on Cat, I couldn't blame him really, because in truth I was kind of in love with her myself but no one else knew.
"What's up with cat?" I asked Robby
"She's locked herself in there and no one knows why, she seemed so depressed I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid"
As soon as that last word left his mouth a lightbulb moment came to me. My scissors were in there and she knew exactly where they were. I rushed in front of the door
"CAT" I shouted
"LET ME IN"
"No" she whimpered
This was a good sign, at least she hadn't killed herself
"Cat please, you need to let me in. It's going to be ok if you just let me in. No one else is going to follow me in, just me. I will not hurt you. Or shout. Trust me Cat and let me in"
Everything was silent then a small click of the lock on the door signalling that she believed me. I looked back at the others before slowly opening the door and walking in, the sight that greeted me however was not so good. For what lay before me was a crumpled sobbing and bleeding Cat.
It took me a moment to process the fact that she was bleeding. I quickly sat my her side, it was her arm, for there was a deep slice from her wrist to her elbow, acting on first aid knowledge I took off my jacket and my jumper and tore the jumper in half and ties It tightly around her arm, it wasn't bleeding much but it was good to be safe. After I had made sure the bandage was secure and tight on her arm I slowly helped her up into a sitting position and held her tight in my arms as she sobbed into me.
After what seemed like forever and no word ever spoken, I helped her up, I gave her my jacket to cover her arm and we exited the closet to the awe of everyone we just walked through.
Still laying on the floor a single tear rolled down my cheek, before I had time to think of how corrupt that memory was another leaked its way in.
Sitting atop the giant oak tree, my head resting on her shoulder, hand in hand, watching the stars shine through the leaves, looking at the carved lines on the trunk, how many times I'd been up here with her. Catrina Louise Valentine, my girlfriend.
I shifted to look up at her, looking into her beautiful eyes, sparkling just as much as the stars, she obviously sensed me looking at her because she turned to face me, a smile plastered on her face, she loved the stars just as much as I loved her.
"Hey, kitty"
"Yes Jadey" she cooed
"I love you" I smiled
She didn't speak another word just leant down and kissed me softly, I kissed back cupping her cheek in my palm, she broke off the kiss
"I love you too jadey" she smiled
A shooting star passed over head. But there was nothing I needed to wish for. This was perfect
Tears streaming now, the voices becoming restless starting to chant, whispering their insults. I try not to listen but it doesn't work. I turn to another memory in a bid to rid then out of my mind.
Just finished, what had I finished? My plan. What was my plan to use the only thing I've been told I'm good at to ask out Cat. What was my plan exactly?. I wrote a paragraph, not an ordinary paragraph, a paragraph that consisted entirely of lyrics from various songs. The second part of my plan was to send said paragraph to her at midnight Christmas eve. The paragraph went like this.
I'm on my own again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe you're here. Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping,
I think of you and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head. On my own
Pretending you're beside me all alone
I walk with you till morning. Without you I feel your arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And you have found me.
In the rain the pavement shines like silver all the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight and all I see is you and me forever and forever.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to you and although I know that , still I say, there's a way for us.
I love you, but when the night is over you're gone the river's just a river,
Without you the world around me changes,
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
I love you but every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending, Without me your world would go on turning a world that's full of happiness
That I have never known.
I love you,I love you,I love you but only on my own.
It is so beautiful how you remain
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you,when I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise there's so much they hold.
And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far, to be right where you are. How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, and when you're needing your space,to do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting
to see what you find, 'Cause even the stars they burn some even fall to the earth we've got a lot to learn god knows we're worth it. No I won't give up. I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.
I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.
I like your smile, I like your vibe, I like your style,but that's not why I love you. And I, I like the way you're such a star, but that's not why I love you, you're so beautiful, but that's not why I love you I'm not sure you know that the reason I love you ,It's you being you, just you yeah, the reason I love you Is all that we've been through
And that's why I love you. And how you keep your cool when I am complicated
But that's not why I love you.
I am always here for you.
You're the kind of woman, I've been dreaming of.
But I never thought I could ever say it good enough to win your love
You probably think I'm foolish you probably tell me so
I open up my heart then you're probably going to tell me no, but here I go, I'm gonna take a risk and risk it all for christmas eve.
Cat, will you be mine?
This is confidential, I never told a soul.
Every time I see you, feel my heart begin to loose control.
And all I know; is I'm feeling something I've never felt.
I want to be with you and nobody else. You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth .My soul is cryin out to you
It's reaching out for somethin true
Do I have to go
To get you into my life
The suspense is tearing me,
Tearing me apart. I will never be with you. There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound
,there's a drumming noise inside my head that throws me to the ground
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound
Louder than sirens, louder than bells, sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell. I ran to a tower where the church bells chime. I hoped that they would clear my mind, They left a ringing in my ears but that drum's still beating loud and clear. Louder than sirens ,louder than bells,sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell. As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat it fills my head up and gets louder and louder It fills my head up and gets louder and louder, I run to the river and dive straight in ,I pray that the water will drown out the din, but as the water fills my mouth It couldn't wash the echoes out but as the water fills my mouth It couldn't wash the echoes out I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole till there's nothing left inside my soul. As empty as that beating drum but the sound has just begun. As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat it fills my head up and gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder.
for I know the answer so i don't know why i asked. I cant keep pushing this down, any deeper. Every move I make, is just another mistake.
I wonder what it'll take?
It feels like there's a hole inside my body.
A hole inside my heart.
I wonder if this feeling is gonna consume me?
If I keep waiting for this thing to start.
It feels like I'm all gummed up inside,
It feels like I'm all gummed up insi~iii~iiide so I just wanna say.
i'm sorry.
The plan itself went without a hitch, the paragraph which took over 3 weeks to compile and rearrange got sent at 11:59 and it said it was confirmed at 00:00.
The wait was agonising, I was more nervous of her answer than the fact it was Christmas the next day. However I finally fell asleep around 3 o'clock.
The first thing I did was check my phone when I woke up. And sure enough there was a message from her. I opened it, shaking. One word. It read one word.
Yes x - Cat
I broke down in tears of joy, for now I was happy for once in my life
Now sobbing uncontrollably, shaking crumpled on the floor feeling weaker and weaker. The voices chanting louder and louder, insult after insult. Gone from calling me beautiful, talented, strong, feared, perfect. To ugly, unwanted, weak, no one will ever love you, go and die, no one wants you. Laughing, the sick twisted laughter in my head, chanting over and over.
The corrupt memories gone, now instead the true memories pouring through the things that really happened, I lift the sleeve on my t-shirt, the long jagged scar remains
During Sikowitz's class I had, had enough, I just ran it was a Thursday, nothing important going on anyway just him blubbering on about his coconuts. So I ran. I ran to the only safe place I knew, the Janitors closet. I locked the door behind me and slumped against the door and sobbed. Sobbed for all the pain. I moved a blanket concealing a hole in to reveal a rack of dull silver scissors, I took a pair and started playing with them in my hand, the voices chanting how I was unloved and unwanted. I muttered a simple
"I know"
Before plunging the blades into my pale skin and dragging towards my wrist. The pain was unbearable but I deserved it. The blood started seeping through immediately and started to stain my t-shirt and the floor. I took off my shirt and tied it on my arm tight to stunt the blood flow and used the blanket to wipe the blood from the floor before it dried. I slowly replaced the scissors and re-hung the blanket.
I slowly unlocked the door. No one was there. No one cared. I just walked away
Sitting atop the tallest oak tree in the park, it was raining, my mascara running from crying, my face red and puffy.
I leant on the tree trunk and stroked the lines I'd carved into it. They represented the amount of times I'd come here in a mess, and how many times I hadn't jumped, how many times I was stronger than the voices when they were telling me I was unwanted and unloved. How many times I'd thought of her and how much I loved her. How many times I proved to myself I was at least there was a tiny bit of strength left in me.
I sobbed as I hugged the wood, wishing it was her, wishing she was here but she wasn't
I muttered to myself 4 simple words
"I love you Cat"
But there was no reply
Just finished, what had I finished? My plan. What was my plan to use the only thing I've been told I'm good at to ask out Cat. What was my plan exactly?. I wrote a paragraph, not an ordinary paragraph, a paragraph that consisted entirely of lyrics from various songs. The second part of my plan was to send said paragraph to her at midnight Christmas eve. The paragraph went like this.
I'm on my own again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe you're here. Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping,
I think of you and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head. On my own
Pretending you're beside me all alone
I walk with you till morning. Without you I feel your arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And you have found me.
In the rain the pavement shines like silver all the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight and all I see is you and me forever and forever.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to you and although I know that , still I say, there's a way for us.
I love you, but when the night is over you're gone the river's just a river,
Without you the world around me changes,
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
I love you but every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending, Without me your world would go on turning a world that's full of happiness
That I have never known.
I love you,I love you,I love you but only on my own.
It is so beautiful how you remain
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you,when I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise there's so much they hold.
And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far, to be right where you are. How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, and when you're needing your space,to do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting
to see what you find, 'Cause even the stars they burn some even fall to the earth we've got a lot to learn god knows we're worth it. No I won't give up. I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.
I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.
I like your smile, I like your vibe, I like your style,but that's not why I love you. And I, I like the way you're such a star, but that's not why I love you, you're so beautiful, but that's not why I love you I'm not sure you know that the reason I love you ,It's you being you, just you yeah, the reason I love you Is all that we've been through
And that's why I love you. And how you keep your cool when I am complicated
But that's not why I love you.
I am always here for you.
You're the kind of woman, I've been dreaming of.
But I never thought I could ever say it good enough to win your love
You probably think I'm foolish you probably tell me so
I open up my heart then you're probably going to tell me no, but here I go, I'm gonna take a risk and risk it all for christmas eve.
Cat, will you be mine?
This is confidential, I never told a soul.
Every time I see you, feel my heart begin to loose control.
And all I know; is I'm feeling something I've never felt.
I want to be with you and nobody else. You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth .My soul is cryin out to you
It's reaching out for somethin true
Do I have to go
To get you into my life
The suspense is tearing me,
Tearing me apart. I will never be with you. There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound
,there's a drumming noise inside my head that throws me to the ground
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound
Louder than sirens, louder than bells, sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell. I ran to a tower where the church bells chime. I hoped that they would clear my mind, They left a ringing in my ears but that drum's still beating loud and clear. Louder than sirens ,louder than bells,sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell. As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat it fills my head up and gets louder and louder It fills my head up and gets louder and louder, I run to the river and dive straight in ,I pray that the water will drown out the din, but as the water fills my mouth It couldn't wash the echoes out but as the water fills my mouth It couldn't wash the echoes out I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole till there's nothing left inside my soul. As empty as that beating drum but the sound has just begun. As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat it fills my head up and gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder.
for I know the answer so i don't know why i asked. I cant keep pushing this down, any deeper. Every move I make, is just another mistake.
I wonder what it'll take?
It feels like there's a hole inside my body.
A hole inside my heart.
I wonder if this feeling is gonna consume me?
If I keep waiting for this thing to start.
It feels like I'm all gummed up inside,
It feels like I'm all gummed up insi~iii~iiide so I just wanna say.
i'm sorry.
The plan itself went without a hitch, the paragraph which took over 3 weeks to compile and rearrange got sent at 11:59 and it said it was confirmed at 00:00.
The wait was agonising, I was more nervous of her answer than the fact it was Christmas the next day. However I finally fell asleep around 3 o'clock.
The first thing I did was check my phone when I woke up. There was nothing there, no reply no nothing. I'd screwed up yet again, lost the best thing I had in my life just because I couldn't accept the fact she didn't like me back. I couldn't accept the fact I wasn't the boy that she did like, couldn't accept everyone's advice to leave her alone because she wasn't interested
I broke down in tears of sadness, for now I was alone and unhappy once again in my stupid life.
So weak, it felt like there was a chorus inside my head chanting. She doesn't love you, she's never loved you, she will never love you. She doesn't love you, she's never loved you, she will never love you. So weak
I stared at my arm, scar ripped open, but this time I'd hit a vein.
Lying alone on the cold floor head filled with her face, her beautiful face. How perfect she was. How I knew I would never of been good enough for her. The chorus still chanting, She doesn't love you, she's never loved you, she will never love you. She doesn't love you, she's never loved you, she will never love you.
As I closed my eyes for the last time I realised they had won. The voices had won. As I muttered my final breath to their chants
I know
OMG! so depressing I'm sorry guys. hopefully after the new year i'll be doing some skins and adventure time stuff so feel free too pm me some ideas. OH ALSO! since I have no ideas again at the moment if you pm me some ideas for victorious stuff i'll do about 5 of you your own one shot :3 . R&R please thanks