Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over 'Bleach' nor am I profiting from this in any way, shape or form.
Pairing(s): Abarai Renji/Kuchiki Byakuya/Kuckiki Rukia.
Warning(s): None.
Word Count: 1,431.
I much prefer writing angst and never touch humor. However, this idea grabbed hold and refused to let me go.
Renji proposes the suggestion during one of their favorite games: who got the least sleep? Ichika decides his thumb will be her teething ring for tonight, gnawing delightedly. Her chin, already dry from the onslaught of drool, threatens to break out in a rash. His attempts at wiping her chin are viewed as attacks, eliciting frustrated screams and full body flailing.
"I win every game," he interrupts. "I win because she wakes up and tries nursing."
His declaration warrants little sympathy. Rukia arches her eyebrows, silently daring him to talk more about his nursing frustrations. Byakuya sighs and reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief. Renji wiggles his thumb loose and makes a silent apology as he hands her over for the mouth wipe.
"I think we should take a break," he says. "A day that doesn't involve paperwork, work duties, or family responsibilities."
Rukia winces as Ichika performs her flail and shriek, "We need a willing babysitter, though."
He takes only a moment to decide, "Ikkaku and Yumichika owe me a favor. I either use them for babysitting or accept all the cheap sake that we don't have time to drink anymore."
His suggestion is immediately met with a skeptical snort and sharp glare. Byakuya moves the baby onto his shoulder like that could prevent her from sensing the sudden shift in his emotions.
"I would sooner entrust our daughter with that drunken behemoth than I would squad eleven."
His bubbling hope dissolves into insult. Renji looks back and forth between his partners, scowling irritably, "I am not entrusting her with squad elven. I am entrusting her with sparring partners, friends, and teammates. I wouldn't entrust her with someone did I believe them to be dangerous."
Rukia loses her skeptical expression and places her hand on his knee. Her squeeze is apologetic and warm. Byakuya lowers his head, unwilling it seems to reveal any softening or admitted wrongdoing.
"We'll make arrangements," Rukia promises. "Do Ikkaku and Yumichika have any experience caring for babies, though?"
"I'll check with them," he says. "Isn't that part of making the arrangements?"
Unfortunately, Renji doesn't get a chance to ask. Renji continues participating in the never-ending cycle his life has become: feeding, changing, teething, waking up, and work duties. Ikkaku and Yumichika (along with the rest of squad elven) remain in their never-ending cycle: drink, fight, party, and do just enough work to get by. Renji is both unable to ask questions about their experience and unable to search for any alternate babysitters. Instead, he watches servants rush from room to room, packing up an admittedly enormous bag for Ichika's day away.
"I never got a chance to ask," he warns. "Is it possible to reschedule whatever we're planning on doing?"
Byakuya mumbles something toward a servant, waving them away before they can place a blanket into her bag, "I assure you: both parties will agree to watch her. I've arranged for the servants to make breakfast and fill the bath. We may then use the afternoon to sleep to do whatever activities we prefer."
Rukia intercepts before he can ask any question, "I don't even know what he did. I just know that we have tomorrow off. No, it cannot be rescheduled."
In different circumstances, Ikkaku referred to their daughter as somewhat cute. Yumichika sometimes smiled in her general direction but never had any comments. Today, neither compliments nor smiles are exchanged.
"I was going to write down the instructions," Rukia explains. "Drawing them was much easier, though. Make sure that she naps. Everything necessary for today is in this bag including her backup Chappy in case the main one and spare one get dirty."
Renji manages an apologetic shrug as she shoves the overflowing bag and drool-soaked sketchbook towards them. Yumichika shudders and holds the offending item between his fingertips.
"I expect this work to pay," he sighs. "I would rather be doing paperwork than facing unexpected diaper changes or worse, spit up. I was never even asked."
Byakuya levels him with a hard scowl, "Consider this: watching her successfully means you will be rewarded with expensive sake and a month free of paperwork. Failure will result in all sake being removed from this squad. You will also be given extra paperwork until we decide otherwise."
His scowl immediately shifts into an overenthusiasm grin. Yumichika extends his arms to Ichika, "I could never turn down such a lovely baby, especially not when she belongs to such a wonderful family."
His false enthusiasm dissolves within minutes of said family's departure. Ichika arches away from their arms flushes red, and shrieks despite their best efforts to calm her down. Ikkaku shoves the main, spare, and backup Chappy towards her. Her blanket is only gnawed on. Her clothing is dry. Their desperation and frustration rise until they find themselves ready to beg. It only worsens as their lieutenant walks into the room.
"I found them," she sing-songs. "Hey, did you guys steal that baby?"
Kenpachi glances over the now messy room and hoists Yachuri onto his shoulder. Carefully, he steps over the blankets, clothing, diapers, and toys scattered across the floor. He neither asks nor demands her to be handed over but reaches out and takes her from Ikkaku's arms, settling her into the crook of his elbow.
"You should recognize that hair, Yachiru," he scolds. "I guess no one has taken you away from them before, huh, kid? Give me that blanket."
Kenpachi waits for her to clutch the blanket before he begins swaying his body back and forth. Her crying softens into whimpers, into persistent hiccups as she buries her face in the blanket. Yachiru coos and reaches down to pet her forehead.
"Everyone here acts real tough," she whispers. "You don't have to be scared, though. I keep them from getting out of control."
Ikkaku and Yumichika slump against the wall, sighing with relief as her hiccups become sniffles, frightened of disturbing the newfound peace. Kenpachi looks back and forth between them.
"Hey, we attempted everything," Ikkaku says. "Ichika only gnawed on it. Wrapping her up only made her panic."
"You guys should eavesdrop on more meetings," Yachuri sighs. "One of them is always with her no matter what – she even sleeps in their bed. I'll bet this is her first time away from them, huh, Kenny?"
"I told you already: no more eavesdropping on the meetings. Everything with her is fine, though. One of them is always with her and she suddenly doesn't have that. Keep her distracted and happy."
Yachiru continues her petting, cooing over the now sleeping baby, "Could we keep her for now, though, Kenny?"
"Yeah, we can keep her for now, but she goes back to them later."
Her blanket provides a steady comfort until she wakes, hungry and wet. Yachiru approaches the latter with a fresh diaper, cooing, and promises that food is coming. Ikkaku and Yamichiku attempt deciphering the drawings: three bunny rabbits – two appearing to be in severe pain with smaller bunny rabbits clinging to their chests and a carrot dangling overhead. Kenpachi hovers over their shoulders and mumbles something to himself.
"Huh, no wonder that Abarai and Kuchiki are always pissing and moaning over sore nipples. One of you run and get her something soft to eat. Other one goes and helps Yachiru entertain her. Whoever goes to help her, be sure to keep your nipples away from her grabbing range."
Ikkaku and Yumichika open their mouths to object but snap them shut upon hearing Yachiru shriek in pain. Her shriek dissolves into laughter, "Her teeth are super sharp, Kenny!"
"I warned you: keep fingers away from her mouth."
It proves to be a warning which everyone heeds – everyone save for Kenpachi who allows her to chew and gnaw on his fingers and knuckles. Everyone else watches both in stunned horror and silence as drool gathers in the corners of her mouth and slips down her chin. Her brow puckers with concentration as she digs her teeth in more and more, determined it seems to leave him with either a wound or at the very least a scar.
"Come on, kid," he cries. "I'll bet a barrel of sake that you can break the skin before you get picked up. Everyone can spare the whole: babies cannot have sake speech. Look, now she's putting actual work into her biting."
Yachiru watches in fascination, "Is she really going to try it?"
"I'll give her a sip from whatever her father gives us. We can have the rest while we watch Ikkaku and Yamichiku do paperwork."