Summary: Wherein Parker's idea of couples counseling for brothers actually sort of works. P/E, Lindsey and Eliot are twins. Based on Ultrawoman's "Lawyered Up" 'verse.

READ THIS AN: This story is based on the "Lawyered Up" 'verse Ultrawoman created (for my birthday – isn't she awesome?!). I have her permission, so no plagiarizing here! There are two stories in the 'verse so far: "Lawyered Up" and "Lessons About Freedom." This story takes place between these two stories, so reading at least "Lawyered Up" first is recommended. Here's a brief synopsis, just in case:

"Lawyered Up": Eliot and Lindsey are twins. Parker met Lindsey a couple of years before she met Eliot. Eliot thought Lindsey was dead until she told him she'd talked to him (Lindsey) recently. The years went by, Parker and Eliot got engaged, and she secretly set up a reunion between the twins. That's where that story ended, and where this one begins.

Warning: Parker still doesn't know what's okay to say out loud and do in front of people. Yes, this deserves a warning. :D

Uh, sort of nervous about this…Now I know what playing in someone else's (non-real-canon, obviously) sandbox feels like! The title is a bit clumsy, but it's the best that I can come up with.

Merry (early) Christmas, Ultra! You said you wanted it NOW, so here's your prezzie fic!

Brothers at Odds and in Arms

Lindsey had traveled back to Portland with Eliot and Parker after the surprise reunion the thief had arranged for the twins. The tearful (yet manly) embrace had somehow morphed into a furious shouting and shoving match, but an intervention by Parker had calmed them both down enough for Lindsey to agree to meet the rest of his brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law's extended family.

Parker was sitting on the couch in the apartment she and Eliot shared, with Lindsey seated next to her. Eliot had gone off to the kitchen to prepare food for the horde (trio) of curious thieves soon to descend upon them.

"No, really?" Lindsey chuckled as an animated Parker told him about one of the Leverage team's past cases, in which they stole a diamond that was actually a potato.

"Yeah," she said with a serious nod.

"It was just a potato!" hollered Eliot from the kitchen. "Never was a diamond, never had anything to do with diamonds!"

"But we stole it," Parker said, as if that made all the difference.

"Yeah, we did," Eliot agreed, but added with a grin, "Lindsey, that's confidential. Don't be narkin' on us, y'hear?"

Lindsey snorted. "Defense lawyer for evil, remember? Besides, I'm retired, and when have I ever tattled on you?"

"There was that time in fifth grade," Eliot started, "And the time…"

"Hey, you told 'em it was me first," Lindsey retorted, blue eyes still twinkling.

"It was you!"

"No, it wasn't!"

"So you keep saying," Eliot grumbled and stirred the caramelizing onions in his skillet. They sizzled and released a savory aroma into the air.

Parker leaned over to Lindsey. "So who was it?" she whispered.

Lindsey merely winked at her, making her giggle.

At that point, the team walked in, Sophie, then Nate stopping short at the sight of the Eliot look-alike on the couch.

"'Sup, guys," Hardison said, and wandered over to sit down. "Somethin' smells good in here."

"Caramelized onions," said Eliot from the kitchen. "We're having burgers."

Hardison did a double-take, head swiveling first towards the kitchen and seeing Eliot-with-a-handkerchief-tied-around-his-forehead and then turning towards the couch and seeing Eliot-with-a-wide-grin, then switching back to the Eliot-smirking-in-the-kitchen again.

"Whaaa?"

"Hey, guys," Eliot said, turned the stove off, and came over, wiping his hands on a dishcloth. "This is my brother, Lindsey. Lindsey, my team. That's Nate, Sophie, and the dorky-lookin' guy there is Hardison."

"Dorky?" the hacker sputtered for a moment, then switched topics. "Dude, you a twin?"

Parker snorted. "Obviously."

Lindsey stood and shook hands all around. "Nice to finally meet you all."

"You've heard all about us, I daresay, and we never even knew you existed," Sophie said, and threw Eliot a reproachful glance.

"Actually," Eliot said, "I hadn't talked to him in over ten years. Thought he was dead," he said with a pointed look.

Parker's eyes narrowed; she was upset at her fiancé for trying to start a fight with his brother every chance he had – sometimes, it seemed like it wasn't even a conscious decision. It just happened.

She didn't understand it. They were brothers, and they were supposed to love each other and be there for each other, always. They weren't supposed to fight all the time. They were supposed to be the nice, sweet, wonderful guys they were when they were around her, and not the growly brutes they turned into when they started yelling and hitting each other. They were all they had, so that was supposed to make them closer, not…not like this.

Lindsey's face bore a brittle smile. "Well, it's not like you've never faked your death before either, Eliot," he fired back. "Remember the time I had to arrange your funeral? And not to mention the time- "

"That was a long time ago, and I had no control over what happened, and I called as soon as I could," Eliot said, jabbing a finger into Lindsey's chest, "I didn't hide for years and years from my own brother!"

Lindsey threw his arms up in frustration. "I wasn't hiding from you!"

"Oh, you weren't?" Eliot said harshly with a sarcastic laugh, "Then what do you call keepin' in touch with my fiancée but not me? Huh?"

At that accusation, the silent spectators winced and looked over at Lindsey, who narrowed his eyes and said, "Oh, come on. I met her first, and besides, it's not like you actually looked for me all that hard, either."

Eliot growled. "You- "

"Stop it."

Everyone in the room turned towards Parker.

"Stop it," she whispered again, tears shining in her eyes. "Stop fighting. It wasn't supposed to be like this. You weren't supposed to fight." Her chin trembled, and she turned and - whoosh - disappeared out the window.

The brothers remained where they stood, hands fisted in each other's shirts, panting almost in sync.

"Parker," Eliot said softly, sounding as if he'd taken a physical blow.

Lindsey looked at his brother and backed away a couple of steps. "I'm sorry," he said, sincerity coloring his voice. "I'm sorry. I never shoulda come. I- Go after her. Tell her I'm sorry for wrecking everything." That said, he rushed out of the room, almost as fast as Parker had gone.

Eliot's gaze followed Lindsey out the door, then flickered back to the window. Choice made, he ran over and leaned out, yelling Parker's name.

Still frozen in place inside, the rest of the team cringed. Family was always awkward, especially when a long and tumultuous history was involved.

Eliot punched the window frame a few times, then shoved it open all the way.

Seeing that Eliot was just about ready to climb out of the window after the thief himself, Hardison pulled out his phone and activated Parker's GPS.

"Hey, man," he said, and went over to the distraught hitter. He showed him the phone. "She's here."

Eliot blinked at the pinging green dot on the screen with the sign "Parker" floating above it. "There?"

"Yeah. She's there, man," Hardison reassured. "No need to go falling out of windows when there's a perfectly good do- " He broke off as Eliot raced out of the room. "An' there he goes. No 'Thank you, Hardison, for savin' me from breakin' my thick hick neck,' or even a 'Thanks, bro.' Nooo, there he goes, and is he gonna thank me for givin' him all green lights on the way there?" he asked rhetorically, fiddling with his phone again, "No, he is not."

"Found her. Thanks, man. Now stop whining," Eliot said in his ear.

Hardison winced, a little embarrassed that he had forgotten to take his com out. Eliot had a tendency to use his com like a Bluetooth device when driving, but usually only on the job. This, though, chasing after Parker? This probably qualified as an emergency.

"Naw, man," Hardison said, recovering. "Go get her, man. Apologies and cupcakes and whatever the hell you two do to make up. An' don't be tellin' me because I don' even wanna know."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He found her at her favorite (non-jewelry store, non-bank) place in the city – on the edge of the roof of a toy factory that specialized in stuffed animals (she loved to sneak in and talk to the toys at night about all the children they would soon make happy. The height of the building was probably another factor for why she liked this place so much). He had proposed to her here (not in the factory, obviously, because what kind of schmuck would do that, but up here, on the roof).

Eliot sighed and wondered how in the world he was going to make this better. Rushing over here had been easy. He was an action kind of guy. Throw him ten armed guards to fight, and he was in his zone.

But talking? And apologizing?

There was a reason his relationship with Aimee had fallen apart. Well, it was one of the many, many reasons, anyway.

Parker saved him the trouble, though.

"I wanted you to be happy," she said, not looking at him, the tears in her voice breaking his heart because he'd put them there, "You looked so sad when we talked about him before. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted him to come to our wedding. For you." She sniffled into her sleeve. "I didn't want you to be mad. Or sad. I don't like you being sad."

Eliot walked over and sat down next to her, not quite touching her, but close enough that he could feel her, sense her. "Honey, I…" He sighed and wondered how in the hell he was supposed to say this. "Thank you, darlin'. I appreciate what you did, I really do. An' I love you for it. But the thing is, Lindsey and me, we're complicated. And you can't just fix everything in a day."

"Yeah," Parker snorted darkly, "I think I'm starting to see that. But why do you hate each other so much? You're brothers."

Eliot smiled sadly, "Maybe because we're brothers. I don't know. All I know is, growing up, he was the most annoying and infuriating person I ever met, and I know he thought the same about me. But he was my brother, and I knew he always had my back. But you know, we fought all the time, over the smallest things, too. Don't ask me why, we just did, as far back as I can remember."

Parker pursed her lips thoughtfully. "That's when you were kids. What about now?"

He shrugged. "I guess it's still the same. We've just got more shit to be mad about, I guess. Things he's done, things I've done, things neither of us can agree on."

"You both like me. You can agree on that," Parker suggested, wanting to bring about some kind of peace between the two brothers.

Eliot smirked. "He better not like you too much," he said, and reached over to draw her closer to him.

She wriggled into his warmth. "Mmm," she hummed and kissed him on the lips. "Not like you do. No one likes me like you do."

"You got that right," Eliot rumbled, and kissed her back, hard, fingers tangling in her hair, and not caring in the least that their legs were dangling hundreds of feet in the air. "I love you, Parker."

She squealed against his lips and pulled back, breathless. "I'm still mad at you," she said, but it was playful, not angry.

He groaned dramatically. "Alright, woman, waddaya want? Name your price."

"Hmm," she thought about it for a while, and made "Mm-mm" sounds and batted her hands at him when he tried to interrupt her train of thought by doing sexy things with his mouth to her jaw and neck and shoulder.

"Brownies!" she finally cried out. "I want brownies. The melty kind."

"Fudge?" Eliot said, teasing at her collarbone through the thin fabric of her shirt. "Okay, I can do that."

"And- mmmm," she whimpered as all thoughts except for 'Armmgggrrmm, feels so good, don't stop' flew out of her mind. "Lindsey!"

Eliot stopped. There was nothing worse in the world than to hear one's lover cry out another man's name during sex (or foreplay, as in their present situation), except to hear one's twin brother's name on her lips.

"What?" he asked, feeling just a little (a lot) betrayed.

"Talk to Lindsey," Parker said, catching her breath. She pulled out her phone. "Call him."

Eliot looked at the phone, then at his fiancée. Okay, at least it wasn't what he'd originally thought, that there were feelings, or even past history of a sexual nature, between her and Lindsey.

"No sex until you talk."

He groaned. "Really?"

"Yes, really," she said firmly. Seeing that Eliot was not going to take the phone from her hand, she rolled her eyes and called Lindsey herself. When Eliot made a desperate grab for the phone, she scrambled up and away, out of his reach.

"Hi Lindsey!" she chirped when Eliot's brother answered.

Eliot made "no-no" sounds at her, then gave up with a groan, his head landing in his hands with a dull thwack.

"Yeah, yeah, uh-huh," Parker said distractedly in her "not really listening because you're not saying what I want" voice, "So that means you'll talk to him, right? Here," she said, and shoved the phone in Eliot's hand.

"What? No!" said Eliot, with Lindsey echoing the same sentiment through the phone.

"Talk to your brother. Or no sex," Parker said loudly enough to be heard on the other end. "And I like sex. So talk to him."

He glared at her, then moved off a few feet in an attempt at some kind of privacy.

"Um, hi," he said into the phone.

"Hey," was all Lindsey said, but Eliot could tell that he'd been chuckling, which was a good sign.

"So uh…"

Parker made a "talking" gesture at him with her hand. Then she made another obscene gesture for "no" and…

"Yeah, where are you? I don't wanna do this over the phone," he said in a rush, just to make this less awkward.

Parker crossed her arms and hrumphed as Lindsey told him where he was.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"All made up?" Lindsey asked when Eliot slid onto the stool next to him and ordered a beer. By some kind of silent, mutual agreement, neither of them looked at the other.

Eliot nodded and shrugged. "Yeah."

"That's good." Lindsey waited a beat. "Your girlfriend's a little crazy," he said, glancing over at Parker, who had taken a seat in a booth far enough away that she couldn't hear them, but close enough that Lindsey (and the rest of the bar) could see the motions she was making at Eliot. "No" and…yeah.

Eliot snorted into his beer. "Yeah. But crazy or not, I love her, and now I owe her fudge brownies 'cause I screwed up."

Lindsey tilted his head. "Mama's recipe?"

"You know it. Only the best for my girl," Eliot said with an odd half-smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes.

Finally looking at his brother and seeing that expression on his face prompted Lindsey to say, "I really hope you're happy, El. I really do. I mean, looking at the two of you, I- " He broke off and sighed. "You make each other happy. The way you act around each other. It's...It's real. You guys have really got it." "So long as I'm not around to ruin things," he added mentally.

Eliot chuckled. "She annoys the hell out of me sometimes, but I love her to death. I dunno why, I just do." He looked sideways at his brother. "That's how family works, I guess."

Lindsey was intelligent enough to pick up the hint. He smiled back. "I guess."

Eliot nodded. "I want you at my wedding, Linds," he said seriously, his gaze back to being fixed on his beer bottle. "I want you to be my best man."

Lindsey had too much control over his reactions to startle, but he froze and looked at his brother's face with a probing stare. "Best man? Really? You're not just saying it because that's what Parker wants?"

Eliot shrugged and met his gaze. "It's my wedding, too. All of our friends and family are supposed to be there. I want you up there with me when I say 'I do' to the woman of my dreams."

Lindsey blinked and cleared his suddenly choked-up throat. "What about your friends? Nate and Hardison? You seem pretty close."

The corner of Eliot's mouth twitched up. "Sure, we're close. Like brothers. But I only got one blood brother. And that's you."

Lindsey's gaze bore into Eliot's face, searching for signs of insincerity. Finding none, he finally gave his answer. "In that case, I would be honored to be your best man."

A wide grin lit up Eliot's face, and he clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Thanks, man. It means the world to me. And to Parker."

"Wow, Eliot," Lindsey said, suddenly uncomfortable at how gushy the conversation had gotten, "I never knew you could be so goddamn sentimental." This, accompanied by a playful smirk, caused the smile on Eliot's face to be dropped in favor of a manlier scowl.

"Shut up."

The brothers turned back to their beers and chuckled silently into the bottles.

Suddenly, Eliot tensed.

There was a man, drunk, hovering dangerously near Parker. Correction: dangerously near the fork in Parker's hand.

He stood up and walked over to his girl. "Hey, babe," he said, wrapping his arm around her tense shoulders – she immediately relaxed against him – and took the fork out of her strong grip. "Sorry I'm late."

Parker grinned stiffly. "Oh, it's okay. Babe," she added awkwardly, still nervous, what with the drunkard still wavering on unsteady feet nearby.

"Betcha she ain't even yer girl-fen'," the guy slurred, and lurched closer to Parker.

Wrong move.

Lindsey winced as Eliot's fist slammed into the guy's face, no doubt cracking his cheekbone. Then, noticing the dark cloud descending on guy's friends, he slid the bartender a hundred and shot him a wink, a dangerous kind of wink that said not to call the cops or interfere in any way, or else. The kind of wink that said, go on, get outta here, and take the rest of the people not involved in this with you.

"Hey!" The fallen man's friends were gathering around him, ganging up on Eliot, and yes, while Lindsey had no doubts that Eliot would be able to handle all of them, and in no more than a couple of minutes, tops, he also had a strange urge to punch somebody.

So he did.

He ended up hitting only two guys, since Eliot got all the rest, greedy bastard.

Lindsey almost, almost hit Parker when she marched up to him and grabbed his arm in a tight grip.

"Are you coming to the wedding?" she demanded.

Lindsey shared a brief look with his brother. "Best man's an important part of the wedding, isn't he?" he asked.

Parker beamed at both of her boys and flung an arm around each of them: "I love matched sets!"

Eliot looked affronted. "Are you marrying me because I'm a twin?" he asked, slightly hurt.

Parker laughed. "No, silly. I'm marrying you because you're Eliot." Then she kissed him, and it was good.

"I like that," Eliot murmured, and dove back into the kiss.

Parker made a strange little moaning giggle that was all her, and kissed him even harder. When she started to climb up onto him, Eliot lifted her up and let her wrap her legs around his waist, all the while never letting their lips part.

Lindsey, frankly, was slightly disturbed by the all PDA going on. "Hey, why don't we take this somewhere private?" Somewhere he wouldn't be able to see…yep, there went Eliot's shirt. And there went Parker's, buttons popping, and at least she was wearing a tank top underneath, but who knew how long that would last.

So he gathered up all the discarded clothing and ushered Eliot and Parker outside, hoping that there wouldn't be too many people to stop and watch. And oh, gross, what were they doing now?

"Hey! Guys, you mind?"

After a long moment, Eliot pulled away from Parker's very talented lips and leered at his brother. "You're just jealous."

Lindsey leveled a serious look at him. "I'm concerned for the welfare of the little old lady over there who just got an eyeful of the two of ya."

The lovers looked over at the elderly woman at the bus stop whom Lindsey had pointed out.

"Looks like she didn't mind too much," Eliot commented when she winked and smiled at them.

"Why would she mind?" Parker asked, still clinging to Eliot's front like a very shapely koala bear.

Lindsey groaned. "I mind. I mind, okay?!"

"Eliot, I'm hungry," Parker said. "Brownies!"

Eliot chuckled and gently kissed her jaw. "Alright. But we need to go to the store to pick up some ingredients first."

Parker nimbly maneuvered herself around Eliot's body without touching the ground so that she was on his back piggy-back style by the time she got settled again. "Giddy-up!"

Eliot grinned. "I thought you didn't like horses."

Parker leaned close to his ear. "I like this one. Stud. When we get home, I'm gonna tease you," she purred in a southern accent, a reminder of their Kentucky Thunder job.

Eliot laughed and slapped her thigh playfully. "Other way around, babe. The stallion teases the mare."

Parker thought about this for a minute. "Oh. Whatever. Giddy-up, horsey!" she cried, even though they were close to Eliot's car by this time.

Lindsey shook his head and tried to drown out the sounds of their awful, mind-scarring flirting. He pulled out his phone to warn his brother's teammates to clear the hell out of the apartment if they didn't want to get an eyeful when the lovers got home.

"Eliot, can we get pickles? And ice cream, too?"

Wait a minute. Lindsey stopped, blinked, and looked at his brother, who had the same startled expression on his face, which morphed into sudden realization…

"Parker?"

"And tampons," the thief continued, oblivious to what she had just implied. "I ran out yesterday. I hate being on my period. Don't you?" Then she paused in her rambling for just a second. "Oh yeah, guys don't get periods. Sorry, I forgot. You guys are so lucky."

That said, she did a front walkover over Eliot's shoulder into the car and pulled the door shut.

Eliot stood there with his hand outstretched in the position it had been when he had held the car door open for Parker. His jaw clicked shut.

This time, it was Lindsey who laughed. "Your girlfriend is crazy," he repeated.

Eliot glared at him. "Shut up."

AN: There it is. Hope I didn't ruin your 'verse, Ultra!