After the blood
Timeline: Just after the end of Cyberwoman.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or any of its characters. Just borrow them occasionally to have a little play.
Blood drips down the drain. Drip, drip, drip. With every drip she's further from me. Every drip less of her left, if there was anything left anyway. She's cold and heavy and sticky with blood. There's nothing left. It's my fault. All my fault.
Jack's left, I saw him go. A look of disgust and he just turned and left. It's his fault. He's the monster. No I'm the monster. Dr Tanizaki, Annie the pizza girl, it's my fault. I'm rocking back and forth, like a child. I'm not making a sound. Through my tears all I see is a kaleidoscope of metal and blood. Silver and red. Silver and red. It's my fault. It's my fault.
I feel tugging. He came back. He'll forgive me. But it's not him. I turn my head and I'm surprised.
It's Owen. Of all of them, I didn't expect Owen.
"Come on mate, get up." he says. His voice is soft. I didn't expect that. I expected a shot in the head. Shot in the head and I'm dead. Shot in the head and I'm dead.
"Come on." he says again. I have no strength to resist, so I follow him. I leave her. She's gone anyhow.
He leads me up the stairs and to the garage. He pushes me gently into the seat of his car and fastens the belt. It this it? Is he going to kill me? Take me somewhere dark and kill me. There's no point.
"I'm dead already." I say. He doesn't reply. Just starts the engine and we go. I want to argue but I can't seem to speak.
I watch the street lights blur through my vision. I'm crying again. It feels like I've been crying forever. Crying all this time, just sometimes my body didn't know it and my eyes stayed dry.
But there was no point. She's gone anyhow. There was no point. All that pain, all that blood. For more pain and more blood. And death. A metal eye stares at me.
"You did this. It's your fault. You killed me." he says as blood drips from his mouth. "It's your fault."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say.
"I did this for you." he says with her voice. "I did this so we can be together. One complete person."
Lights blur in my vision and I feel my heart pounding in my chest.
"It's ok mate. Calm down. We're here. Are you ok to get up?" Owen is leaning over me. We aren't moving any more.
I want to ask him if he is going to kill me, but it would be bad form. He has every right.
He unfastens my belt and helps me out of the car. My head feels foggy. Full of fog. Fog filled. But I've been here before in a dream. In a dream. But not in a dream. My place. It's my place and he is leading me up the stairs and opening the door.
"Homely" he says. I look around. It isn't. One room, a fridge, a chair, a bed, a pretence. "You live here? Surely Jack pays you more than this?"
"I don't come here much." I say. I think of my bunk bed. I think of that room with its beeps and hisses and blood. I won't be sleeping there anymore. She'll be sleeping now. She'll be sleeping forever.
I don't know what to do now I'm here. I just stand near the door and watch Owen poking around my stuff. There isn't much. He pulls out a grey tracksuit from the wardrobe. It's thin with age and has stains down the front. Lisa wanted me to throw it away. I wouldn't. I'd wear it on weekends, just so she would make that face. Just so that she would try and take it off me.
"Come on." he says and leads me to the bathroom. There is hardly enough room for one let alone two. The floor is concrete like her room. I close my eyes and I can see the blood pooling in the cracks. It will never come out. It will fade to brown but it will always be there. She'll be part of Torchwood forever.
"Ianto, you've got to help me. I can't do this on my own." I blink and see Owen close up against me. I feel his hot air on my face. He's trying to take off my clothes. Steam fills the room. Moist in my nostrils. The shower is running. I push him away slightly and remove my clothes. I can still do that.
The hiss of the shower makes me think of the hiss of the ventilator. Day and night, breathing in and breathing out. I was so scared it would stop.
"Ianto. Let go." What does he want now? I look down and see him tugging at my hand. It's holding one of my shirt buttons. Flipping it in and out of the buttonhole. Turns out I can't undress myself. He helps me take off the rest of my clothes. Like a child.
When I was young mum used to lock me in the bathroom when I was bad. I used to play toothbrush families. When mum came to get me out, I would be sitting on the floor with the tooth brushes, seeing what adventures they would get up to. Mum would be so angry when I didn't want to leave. I told Lisa. She laughed.
The hot water brings me back. Pellets of water shoot into my back and I see the water turn to red as it washes over me. The red swirls down my legs and washes down the drain. The water is soon clear.
"No." I'm screaming over and over again and then I feel my legs give beneath me and I'm falling. Hands against my wet skin try to break my fall, but I feel a sharp pain as my coccyx hits the ground and my legs hit the sides of the cubicle. Pain shocks me and I stop screaming. I look up at Owen's startled face. "She's gone, isn't she?" I ask but I know the answer.
"I'm sorry mate." he says and I see understanding in his eyes. How can he understand? But he does.
I'm crying again. Big hiccoughing sobs. Crying until my insides are out and my salty tears wash down the drain with her blood.
It seems like a long time.
Cold air hits my naked skin. The water has stopped.
Owen helps me up and into the other room. I can pull on the tracksuit but I need to lean on him. It's good to feel the warmth of his shoulder under my hand.
He sits me down on the bed. I feel a cold chill on my chest as he listens to my heart. I wonder if it's still beating. He shines a light into each eye.
"Ok, get into bed now." he says. He pulls the blankets up over me. They feel warm. I snuggle into their warmth and sniff. I wonder if I can smell Lisa. But then I remember. She's never been here. All I can smell is wool.
Owen's turned on my bed side light and turned off the big light. It feels cosy. I feel my eyes start to droop.
A creak of the floorboards and my eyes fly open with a start.
Owen has his hand on the door.
"Don't go." I say. I sound pathetic.
His lips purse slightly and he nods. "I won't." he says. He sits down on my chair and picks up a magazine.
I'm looking at him. I'm scared he will leave as soon as I close my eyes. I don't know what will come when I'm alone.
"It's ok Ianto. You can sleep now. I'm not going anywhere. You can sleep now." His voice is soft like a rocking horse. Light pricks through my eyelids from the lamp and I can hear his breath and the occasional flick of a page. I stop trying to fight it and I feel swirling sleep take me.
Will swap kisses for reviews. I'm easy.