Chapter 1
Losing The Light
By Jasseen
Chapter One
*J.J. *
Walking across the lobby, she could already hear the whispers.
"He left her?"
"He's a fool to let that one go."
No, I'm the fool for letting this happen. J.J. thought, as she went through the door.
Walking to her rental, she tried to stem the flow of tears.
I'll never be able to drive like this. She thought.
Getting behind the wheel, she put her head down on the steering wheel. She fought and finally managed to get her emotions under control. Then she pulled out heading for the airport.
As she sat waiting for her flight, she caught herself looking for him. She was still holding out a little hope that he would come and stop her from going.
Hearing her flight being called, J.J. got up and boarded the plane with a sigh. Setting down in her seat she just stared out the window.
*Kane*
Could she really have meant that? Kane wondered, as he stepped into the lobby.
What is wrong with these guys? He wondered, seeing their stares directed at him. That isn't their usual derisive look. Did I miss something?
Stiffening, he walked to the desk and checked out.
NO last minute notes or requests before I go? Did she really go or is she playing games? Could those really be her cameras? He wondered, as he walked out to his rental.
Arriving at the airport he looked around, half expecting her to be waiting for him.
Maybe she did go. He thought surprised, that he was saddened by that thought.
It's what you wanted isn't it. You wanted her gone, out of your sight and out of your life! Well now you have it. Does it make you happy? Part of his mind asked sarcastically.
*J.J./Mike*
She was shaken from her reverie when the plane landed.
Wow, I don't even remember taking off. J.J. thought, with a small sad chuckle.
She grabbed her bags and went to the bank of pay phones.
"Mike, its J.J." She said when he answered.
"What's up? Are you guys back here already or are you on a break." Mike asked.
"I'm just taking a break." J.J. said. "Could you come to get me at the airport. I'm going to need the Dodge."
I'm just taking a break? Is she hurt? Did that jerk do something to her? Mike wondered.
"No problem, I'll bring it then you can drop me off afterward." He replied.
"Good, I'll see you in a while. Don't hurry, I'm not in a rush." She said quietly.
She really doesn't sound right. Mike thought, already writing his wife a note.
"I'll leave right now. Hopefully the traffic won't be too bad and I'll be there in about an hour." He said.
Hanging up, J.J. took her baggage to one of the many locker banks.
Well I don't have to worry about my cameras getting stolen this time. J.J. thought with a laugh, as she pulled out the key.
She went to a small restaurant and sat down. Then ordered, but she spent the next hour playing with the food, and drinking coffee.
Hearing her name paged, she picked up the courtesy phone and heard Mike's voice.
"I'm here J.J., where do you want me to meet you." He asked.
"Just stay where you are. I'll be there soon." J.J. said.
She got up and retrieved her luggage, and she went to meet him.
She looks like shit. When was the last time she slept? He wondered, noticing her drawn pale appearance immediately.
"How are you babe?" He said, trying to make her smile.
"Fine, how's the wife?" She answered automatically, but her expression never changed.
Well that tears it. Something is definitely wrong. She can't even bust my balls. Mike thought, getting worried.
"Well let me get you out of here." He said, reaching out and taking one of her bags.
I'm too tired to argue about luggage. Go ahead and take it. J.J. thought, releasing the bag to Mike.
Getting to the car they loaded the baggage.
"You look a little jet lagged. Why don't I drive?" Mike said; sure she'd refuse.
"Sure, just drop me at the Hilton. I've got a room booked there." She said listlessly.
I don't think she should be alone. Not the way she looks. He thought, beginning to worry even more because she'd said he could drive. She swore she'd never let me drive again.
"Are you kidding? You come stay with me and the wife." He said.
"No Mike, just take me to the Hilton. Oh wait, I need to get you back to your house first." J.J. said.
"Naah, I'll deal with that. You don't look like you should be driving right now." He said.
"Sure." She said, turning to look out the window.
He tried several times to draw her out, make her talk to him. But it was useless.
Damn I wish she'd let me know what's going on. Something is definitely very wrong here. He thought, as they arrived at the hotel.
He parked the car and carried her luggage in, while she walked slowly behind him.
"I'd better get you all the way upstairs, you look like you're going to fall over right here." He said.
"Yeah, I'm really tired. Going to sleep for a week." She said, trying to ease the worry she could see in his eyes.
Can't let him worry. I'll survive this, but I don't want them involved. J.J. thought, as she caught him starting at her with concern.
Once at the room, he put her bags inside and made sure she had everything she needed.
"Get some sleep J.J." He said, knowing that wasn't the whole problem.
"I will. I'll call you in a bit to catch you up." She said, knowing that was what he wanted to hear.
"Good, I'm dying to hear all about it." He said, as he left.
Maybe coming back here was a bad idea. I won't get any peace from Mike or Ron until they know everything. Knowing them Kane will get a visit. J.J. thought, as she showered.
I can't let that happen, because that will only embarrass Kane, or get the two of them killed. Especially after what Kane did to King last night. J.J. thought, worried that someone would get hurt.
Crawling into bed, she closed her eyes and let her mind wander to better times.
I'm torturing myself, but I can't help it. I miss him so bad. J.J. thought as she fell asleep.
Her dreams were filled with Kane and all they had done. Then she began seeing all the things she'd wanted to do with him. A home, maybe a family, days spent in his arms.
*Kane*
Boarding the plane he couldn't help but look around, part of him hoping she'd be there somewhere.
Idiot why are you looking for her? Do you want her? Do you need another lying, conniving murderer in your life? Isn't Mark enough of that for one person? Kane asked himself, as he took his seat.
Settling back he waited for the plane to take off. Once it had he closed his eyes and tried to catch up on some of the sleep he'd been missing. As he dozed off her face drifted in front of him.
**Dreaming**
He saw her standing in front of him. Smiling as she reached for him. Moving into her open arms he wrapped her in a tight embrace. Suddenly there was incredible pain in his back. Releasing her he stepped back out of her arms. She was still smiling as she watched him. In her hand she held a large bloody knife. She stepped forward quickly and struck again, this time the blade entered his chest.
He closed his eyes in unbelievable agony. When he opened them, he watched her step back. J.J. was laughing as she held his still beating heart.
"This is all I really wanted. But you gave so much more. You fool, you gave me your innocence and through it all I laughed. I gave you only what I had to give to achieve my goals. I don't need you anymore. In truth I never needed you at all. But I must say it WAS fun playing with you."
**End of Dream**
Kane woke with a start, to someone shaking him roughly.
"Sir are you ok. You looked like you were in pain. Do you need assistance?" The flight attendant asked.
Shaking his head no, he tried to calm his rapid breathing.
"Are you sure?" She asked again.
With a nod, Kane got up and headed to the washroom.
Removing his mask, he splashed cold water on his face in an effort to banish the last of the nightmare.
Even in your dreams you cannot escape her betrayal and the pain. He thought, getting angry at his continued stupidity.
Going back to his seat. He couldn't help but notice the stares of the passengers who had seats near his.
This is ridiculous. I have a cage match with Hunter in three days and I haven't slept in six. I have to get some sleep or I'll never be able to give him what he deserves. Kane thought, as the plane landed.
*J.J.*
Waking slowly it took her a moment to remember where she was.
Well I did it. I managed to walk away, to leave quietly and not do what Tori and X-Pac did to him. J.J. thought, trying to make herself feel a little better.
Crawling out of bed she walked to her luggage. Opening the first bag she saw that it was filled with blacks.
Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and pushed the bag away.
I can't even look at them. It just hurts too much right now. J.J. thought, as tears began to fall once again.
She got up and went back to bed.
Maybe I'll be able to do it later. I'm too tired to move. She thought, as she curled up around a pillow.
Yeah, I'll get up later. She decided closing her eyes and allowing sleep to claim her again.
*Kane*
Stepping off the plane he went directly to get his luggage and rental.
I will get some sleep if it kills me. He thought, heading for the hotel.
Once there, he went to his room and changed. Then he went down to the gym and started working. He pushed himself hard with increased weight and reps. Then he spent nearly an hour working cardio.
If this doesn't put me to sleep nothing will. He thought, as he headed back upstairs.
Kane showered and ordered something to eat. When it arrived he sat down and forced it past his lips, much as he had Father's cooking for all those years.
When he'd cleaned his plate he went and crawled into bed. Wrapping himself around a pillow he closed his eyes.
Just let me sleep only sleep. He thought, hoping against hope for a peaceful night.
*J.J.*
**Dreaming**
"Kane wait!" J.J. shouted chasing the barely visible form of her love.
Following him down one hallway and up another. No matter how fast she ran, or how loud she called to him, Kane never turned around.
"Why are you bothering, you are an ugly thing. He couldn't want you not really."
"You wrecked it. Like you wreck everything. You can't do anything right."
"Come here my good little girl. I'll give you what you really want from him."
"I told you, you're cold and unfeeling. A total Ice Bitch."
She heard the horrible comments from everyone she'd ever known echo in the halls as she chased him.
Suddenly, she was face to face with Kane.
Looking up into his eyes she was unable to speak. She opened her mouth but no words came.
"I'm alone. Only wanted love. YOU Destroyed that." He said, his bare face turning into a mask of pain and rage.
Still watching him, she saw him raise the mask and slide it into place. As it came to rest she saw his eyes again. They were blank, but she could see the fire burning within.
"Everything burns." He said, as he turned away.
J.J. was glued to the spot. All she could do was watch him walk away. Then she heard laughter. It was the same laughter she'd heard a hundred times from Hunter. The sick deep rumble of Undertaker's laugh soon joined it.
**End Dream**
Waking suddenly she sat up, clutching the sheets as her body shook.
Laying back down she stared unseeing at the ceiling until hunger drove her from the bed. Ordering something small she waited on the couch staring into space.
When her food arrived she ate mechanically, put the dishes outside and crawled into bed again.
A ringing phone woke her later.
"J.J. it's Mike." She heard.
"What's up." J.J. said, trying to sound normal.
"I've been waiting to hear from you. What's going on?" He asked.
"Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind. I'll give you a call as soon as I get it worked out." She answered, anxious to get off the phone.
"Ok, but I'm starting to worry. You need anything you call." He said.
"Sure." J.J. said, hanging up.
J.J. unplugged the phone and lay back down. She didn't sleep, just lay there clutching a pillow and staring blankly into space.
*Kane*
**Dreaming**
Mmm that's good. He thought, feeling her tease and stroke him.
He watched her kneel between his thighs. Her smile and eyes full of lust as she touched him.
"That's it baby, yes relax my love, let me touch you." He heard her say, as her hand closed around him again.
Rocking his hips, he met each downward stroke of her hand. He looked down loving the sight of her hand caressing him.
He felt her fingertips and nails against his scrotum, and opened his legs wider.
"Like that? Would you like me to suck you, lick you?" She asked, gently squeezing his now painfully hard cock.
He nodded waiting for her to begin.
"Better still, Cum for me. I really want to watch you cum." She whispered her words enough to send him plummeting over the edge.
**End Dream**
Fuck, he thought. First you dream of her stabbing you in the back and cutting out your heart. Now you foul your bed with dreams of her. What the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost all control?
Getting out of bed, he stripped and showered. Then he pulled the sheets off the bed and left them beside the door. After turning the sign to housekeeping he left heading for the gym.
Again he worked himself hard. Finishing just in time to shower and get to the autograph session.
Walking in he looked around.
She was scheduled to work this event. We'd planned to go hiking afterward. He thought, moving toward his assigned place.
Looking around again, he realized he didn't see her.
Kane saw the other photographers. He felt their stares and it only angered him further. He waited patiently for the public to be let in. When they were, he concentrated his full attention on them.
Even so time passed slowly. He was half-afraid to look up and find her there.
*J.J.*
Rolling over she crawled out of the bed and went into the bathroom. She looked at the stranger staring back at her from the other side of the mirror.
"You look like shit." She told her reflection. "Are you going to let this continue?"
"Yes, I have a right to grieve at least for a little while. He was my whole life but I let my fears and stupidity ruin it." She answered, offering a wane smile to her reflection.
When she'd finished she went back into the bedroom and lay down once again. She lay there in a stupor the rest of the night. Not sleeping but not moving, with memories of him drifting through her mind.
*Kane*
With the session over he went back to his hotel and to his room. Pacing back and forth he knew he needed something to occupy his mind.
He went out trying to walk his anger and restlessness off. It didn't work. After hours of wandering he came back to the hotel. Once back in his room he was pacing again.
I have to rest, to sleep. If I don't Hunter will win, he won't pay for all he's done. I can't let that happen. He thought, looking toward the bar.
No that would only leave me hung over and weak. He thought, getting angry at his lack of control in this area.
Reaching out he kicked his bags. As they landed he heard a rattle from within one. Going over to the bags he quickly searched them.
These will do just fine. He thought, seeing the painkillers that Pete had given him not very long ago.
These always make me sleep. He smiled, knowing he'd be ready for Hunter.
Reading the bottle, he saw that it should be taken with food. He really wasn't hungry so he chose to disregard the instructions and swallowed two of them dry.
Just until after the cage match. Once Hunter has paid then it won't matter. He thought to himself.
Before long he began to feel their effect. With a satisfied smile he crawled into bed.
She can't keep me awake forever. I will get control of this, just as I will get control of my body and mind. I will not let her betrayal stop me. I will survive, I always have. He thought, even as sleep claimed him.
*J.J./Mike*
What is that? She thought, groggily trying to focus.
Who the hell could be pounding on my door like that? She wondered, dragging herself out of bed.
Opening the door, she was surprised to see Mike standing there.
"What the hell is going on? I've been calling for the past two days. You haven't returned one message. I was beginning to think you'd been murdered here. Jesus J.J. you know better than to just go missing. You are an ex-cop for Christ's sake." He said, pushing his way into the room.
Man she really looks like shit. Holy shit, it looks like a tornado hit this place. Is housekeeping on strike? He thought, his mind a jumble of concern.
"Are you going to answer me?" Mike asked.
"I hadn't planned on it. Mike I am an adult. If I decide to take some time, to be alone for awhile what business is it of yours." J.J. said, her anger clear.
"What business is it of mine? I've been your friend since college. I love you J.J. You are one of my best friends, someone I count on when I need help. I thought you felt the same way. Apparently I was wrong." He replied looking hurt.
"I just need some time Mike. I can't deal what's on my mind and people at the same time. Can you understand that? I just need some time. I promise I have no intention of letting myself get murdered." J.J. said, trying to lighten the mood.
That's not what I'm worried about. You are showing all the signs of major depression. I'm terrified that you will do something stupid, and you'd be gone. Mike thought.
"That's not really what I was worried about. J.J. you look like hell, I'm scared you are going to get sick or maybe do something." He said, unable to say the words.
I need her to know I'm here for her, no matter what. He thought.
"Have no fear on that count. I'm healthy as a horse and have no plans to jump out the window. I've just been really tired. I'll be fine." She said.
"Are you sure?" He asked. "You know you can call me anytime day or night if you need someone to talk to or anything at all."
"Really, it's just that being on the road for the last five months has worn me out. I just need to get through that. It's fine." She said.
"Alright, but if I don't hear from you by Wednesday I'm going to be back here. Next time I won't leave without an explanation." He said.
"Fine, you'll hear from me before then." J.J. said.
By then I'll have decided what my next step will be. J.J. thought, as she walked him out.
*Kane*
Waking slowly he turned away from the painful spikes of light stabbing through his eyelids.
Forcing his eyes open he looked at the clock.
Yes, I knew that would work. Finally I manage a night of undisturbed rest. He thought, rolling out of bed.
He moved lethargically to the bathroom to shower. Once he was done he felt good.
I feel strong. I am ready for Hunter. Today I have a light workout only, and rest. Kane thought, going back to his usual pre-match behavior.
He ordered breakfast, but when it arrived he found he was not hungry.
Sit your ass down and eat! He could almost hear father say.
Making himself sit and eat was difficult, each bite tasted like sawdust.
I will not allow myself to become weak. Mark was right, she was weakening me. Now I must become strong again. He thought, demanding better control from himself.
Once he'd forced each bite past the now seemingly permanent lump in his throat, he changed.
I should have waited until after my workout for that shower. He thought, laughing to himself a little.
Going downstairs he stretched thoroughly. Then he began with a lighter version of his usual routine.
This isn't working. I need something that will take all my concentration. I need to push her from my mind. He decided.
Already warmed up he began again. This time he used a bit more than his usual weight, and demanded an extra set of each exercise.
Better. He thought, as he moved through the exercises.
But he couldn't help but look toward the treadmill.
I can almost see her there, totally zoned out and running. He thought, tears filling his eyes unnoticed.
Stop damn it! He told himself.
He pushed himself a little harder, trying to clear his head.
*J.J.*
Closing the door behind Mike she turned and saw the room for the first time.
No wonder he was concerned. Hell, this place looks like every suicide scene I've ever photographed, except in this case there is no body. J.J. thought, not happy with her behavior.
"Well this ends now. I can't let what happened turn me into a statistic. I need to start getting myself together and make some decisions." She said, talking to herself as she cleaned the room up.
When she was done, she showered and changed.
I'm not hungry. But since I can't remember the last time I ate anything, I should make myself eat. J.J. thought.
Sitting down with the menu, she managed to find a small entrée that somewhat appealed to her. When it got there, the sight of it nearly made her retch.
"You WILL sit yourself down and eat every bite of that." J.J. told herself sternly. "You need to stay healthy."
After forcing the last bite past her lips J.J. got up. She took a seat on the couch trying to hold down the meal she'd just consumed.
As the feeling of queasiness passed she got up.
I haven't been to the gym in days maybe I should go have a workout. That would probably clear my head. J.J. thought, as she paced her room.
No, not today, today I will just go for a nice long walk. I could use the fresh air. She decided.
Walking out the front door, she turned and began walking.
This is nice. The sun feels good. J.J. thought, trying to convince herself not to run back up to her room.
Well, the guy I sublet my apartment to isn't due to leave until next month. I guess I could just stay at the Hilton until then. It's not like I can't afford it. But it's not what I want. She thought, walking into a park.
Five months on the road has given me a case of itchy feet. I don't want to be here now. I don't want to answer Mike's questions, and have them look at me with pity. J.J. thought, beginning to jog on the path without realizing it.
It's bad enough he and Ron became my overprotective big brothers after what happened with Rick. I couldn't stand it if they got even worse. They accepted Kane, and I truly don't want them to change their opinion of him. I couldn't bear it if they blamed him for this. I would die if they badmouthed him trying to make me feel better. J.J. thought, unconsciously picking up her pace.
My decision is made for me again. I can't stay here. I have to go where no one knows me. Where no one will ask me questions. J.J. thought, as she kept running.
As she continued to run, she tried to sort out what she really wanted. What she could do now that she couldn't even think about holding a camera.
Well, I'll have to empty the storage area. No sense in continuing to pay for it. I'll go and take out what I really want to keep. She decided, after her second circuit of the jogging path.
The Dodge goes. I need something better, something with a little more storage space. J.J. thought, as she came to a stop and automatically began her cool down routine.
*Kane*
Getting back upstairs Kane showered, then suddenly realized he had nothing to do.
Shit, what the hell am I going to do now? Before her, I read and watched old matches during my off time. Now that will only give my mind the opportunity to fill with thoughts of her. I need to keep busy until I can stop these memories that torment me so much. He thought.
He tried to read, then to watch TV. He even tried reading with the TV playing loudly. Nothing worked, the second he sat still she invaded his thoughts.
I have to find some mind numbing activity. There has to be something. He thought.
As he thought as he began pacing.
That's it! I remember X-Pac with those damn video games. He completely zoned out. Maybe that would work. He thought, even though remembering X-Pac exacerbated the fresh wound of J.J.'s betrayal.
Walking out, Kane headed to the nearest mall.
I need something that I can take with me from place to place. It would be even better if I could take it to the arena too. He thought, as he walked along the main part of the mall.
It took awhile but Kane found some handheld games as well as a game system that looked easy to setup. In addition he bought several games for each one. Every game save one was some version of killing or fighting. The only exception was Tetris.
I remember X-Pac staring at the TV late into the night, playing this game endlessly. Kane thought, as he picked up the game.
People would laugh their asses off if they knew the Big Red Retard had gone out and bought toys. He thought, making sure to pay with cash and bring the bags into the hotel without being noticed.
Once upstairs, he found that the game system was indeed easy to setup. Within minutes he was staring at the brightly colored blocks falling and trying to fit them together.
Damn this is harder than it ever looked when the kid did it. He thought, putting all of his concentration of getting the blocks in the right position.
A growling stomach drew his attention from the game.
Looking up, he found that he'd managed to pass several hours.
Good this will work. He thought, knowing he'd found some salvation against the constant replay of painful memories.
*J.J.*
Going back to the hotel J.J. showered again and set her plans in motion. She went through the phone book looking for car dealerships. It didn't take her long to find one that had the SUV she'd been thinking of.
I got used to them traveling with Kane. I know it's just what I need. J.J. thought, as she drove to that dealership.
"Hello ma'am, my name is Mark. Can I help you find something?" The dealer asked as soon as she stepped onto the lot.
"Soon, I want to browse a bit first." J.J. said, walking toward the section of SUVs she sought.
After looking for just moments she found what she wanted.
"I'm ready for you now." She said, the name Mark sticking in her throat.
"What can I help you with?" Mark said, rushing over eagerly when he saw where she was standing.
"I'd like to purchase this vehicle." J.J. said, pointing to a beautiful black SUV with red interior.
"Well let's get you inside and see about financing." He said, smiling at such a good sale.
"That won't be necessary. I will be paying in cash." J.J. said.
"Um, cash. Ma'am that's forty five thousand dollars." He stuttered.
"You're right, a cashier's check would probably be better. I'll need all of the paperwork including the registration right away. I'm only in town for a couple more days." She said.
Mark gulped, shocked but very pleased by this.
"Let me just go and talk to the manager and we'll see if we can expedite the red tape.
"That would be good." J.J. said, turning to look at the SUV again.
You know Kane would have loved this thing. J.J. thought idly, as she unconsciously wrapped her hand around the pendant he'd given her.
"Ma'am," She heard.
"J.J." She said, turning to face Mark.
"We may have a bit more trouble than I'd thought. Cash purchases of this magnitude are often…" He started.
"Made with drug money." J.J. finished cutting him off. "If it helps any I'm an ex-officer with the LAPD. You can give the station a call. I'm sure they still remember me."
"What name should I give them?" He asked sounding uncertain.
"Why don't you give them the one on my license." J.J. said, handing him the slim piece of id.
"I won't be long. Why don't you come in and have a seat? I'm sure you'd be much more comfortable." He said, almost sounding hopeful.
"Sure," J.J. said, seeing the young man's discomfort.
He probably thinks I'm going to run off and he'll lose his big commission. J.J. thought, smiling at the absurdity of it all.
She followed Mark inside and took a seat. She could hear the manager make the call. She could even hear his shocked expression when the station confirmed what she'd said.
"J.J., the gentleman we called would like to speak to you." Mark said.
Taking the phone she smiled at the confused expression on the manager's face.
"J.J." She said into the receiver not sure who was on the line.
"J.J., buying a vehicle? Does that mean you are coming back to work with us?" He said, sounding hopeful.
"Commander Rice?" J.J. said, surprised to hear his voice. "I shouldn't have had them call But I thought it would be easier given the circumstances."
"No problem, but are you coming back?" He asked again.
"Sorry no." J.J. said.
"Damn, if I tell them you're a dealer will that make you stay?" He asked, laughing at his own joke.
"No, I don't think that would be funny at all." J.J. said.
"Well it was good to hear from you anyway. Can you put the other guy back on." Rice asked.
"Sure, it was really nice talking to you too Commander." J.J. said, then handed the phone back to the manager.
She listened as Rice gave him the answers he needed.
From there the purchase went without a hitch. She let them make the Dodge a trade in, mainly so she wouldn't have to get rid of it. They didn't give her much for it, but she really didn't care. In no time she was driving off. She still had temporary tags, but they had assured her they would have it registered by noon tomorrow.
That went more smoothly than I'd thought. I probably shouldn't have had them call the station. Mike will know in no time that I called. J.J. thought.
But that might actually be a good thing. He'll know I went out. That should alleviate some of his worry. J.J. thought, with a slight smile.
I think I'll tackle the storage area tomorrow. I just don't have any energy left. J.J. thought, as she drove back to the hotel.