What I can't have
I look at them, him, honey golden locks, beautiful green eyes, lean and tall and of course that toe-curling Texan drawl, he is what I want and what I can't have..
Her, petite, dark brown eyes and one of the sweetest girls I've ever met.. And that makes me feel ashamed, 'cause I'm jealous, I want to be in her spot..
They're more than happy, she's glowing and his eyes are shining bright.. A baby on the way.. Again something I want and again what I can't have.
He is my best friend, my support and strength in my not so simple life, but he is also my secret crush, the love of my life..
He meets my eyes and a greeting, "Hey sis! It's a GIRL!"
That says it all, his feelings for me, and I want to shout out "I'm NOT YOUR SISTER! I LOVE YOU!"
But I never do, 'cause even though I want him to acknowledge me as a woman, and see me as someone to love and share his life with, I love him too much to ever hurt him, or loose him.
My smile is wider than ever, I know he's been longing for a child for so long, but I don't think it reaches my eyes 'cause he cocks his head to the left, his hair falling down his eyes, and he furrows his brows and speaks…
" B, you ok? You look sick.."
Tears gently rolling down my cheek when I answer " Nah, I'm just so happy for you! Congratulations, Jasper, finally a little one!"
He brushes my tears away with his thumb, looks me straight in the eyes, I see the question, but ignore it and continue smiling..
Slowly he takes me into his strong arms, hugs me tightly while he softly rocks me, and then he whispers: " I'm sorry, B… I whish you could have a li'l one too, maybe one day you'll be able to adopt.. You know I love you and I'll always be here for you, never forget that!" and kisses my ear before crushing me into another hug.
My shoulders shake from withheld sobs, and even though I know the truth behind the words, I also know that he is the only one I'll ever love and his child was the only one I ever wanted, but never can have.
After a few minutes I've calmed down enough, and there she stands, with her beautiful face and round tummy, with her arms open wide and tears glistening in her eyes: " I'm sorry B, I didn't think… I forgot.." she says, pulling me into her arms.
That reminds me of why I'll never say a word, why my crush will remain a secret, they love each other so much, and they're a perfect match, empathic, caring and loving.
Clearing my throat and shaking my head I say " I'm fine, really, I am… And I really look forward to the little princess, I'm more than happy for you!" Then I take them both into my arms, squeezes them hard and whisper " I love you two, and the baby too!"
And this time my smile reaches my eyes, 'cause I do, even though it's what I can't have..