Lupin x Sirius | Harry Potter | PG | OotP
"Moony. Moony. Wake up, you git."
Remus slowly opened his tired eyelids. Dark came into his view. That was odd. Wasn't morning usually bright and cheery with the sound of birds chirping? It wasn't cold and dreary like this. Then again, morning at Grimmauld place wasn't bright. Morning at Grimmauld place was not like the mornings he had been used to. So, giving in to the hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake, he turned over.
"What is it, Sirius? Why so-"
His sentence was never finished.
For a long, quiet moment, the two men stared at each other on the bed. Remus, with his messy bed hair, his tossed sheets, his paled face with wide eyes. Sirius, with his smug smile, his black mane around his gleaming eyes, always filled with mischief.
"Bloody…bloody hell. Don't do this to me now," Remus stuttered. He let his hand reach out to Sirius's cheek bone, the one he had caressed so, so many times. A moment before his fingertips touched the familiar skin, the werewolf jerked away. "Don't do this to me now," he said again.
Sirius laughed. "What in the world are you talking about, Moony? Are you trying to say you don't want sex tonight? Well, too bad, I won't have it. I won't take no for an answer." Now it was Sirius reaching for Remus now, but without the hesitation his lover had had.
"NO!" Remus stumbled backwards abruptly, and fell hard on the floor. He didn't seem to notice. He backed away from the bed, backed away from the man on the bed. At last his back tapped the wall, telling him that he couldn't get away any farther. "Don't touch me, Sirius, god, don't touch me!"
Sirius's eyes dulled with pain. "What's wrong with you tonight?" he asked quietly. If he spoke quietly, then maybe Remus wouldn't hear how hurt he was. There was no reasonable explanation for Remus's behavior. Maybe he was having a nightmare while he was wide awake? "What's buggering you?"
Shaking, Remus leant his weight against the wall. He brought his knees to his heaving chest. His trembling fingers wrapped around his ears, his palms pressed up tight to block all sound out. He sat there like that, like a small child experiencing a nightmare. "Don't. Don't. Don't."
"Don't want?" Sirius slid off the bed gracefully. His feet didn't make a single sound on the wooden floor as he made his way to Remus. "Don't love you? Don't be here? Don't what, Remus, don't what?"
"Don't do anything!" Remus kept glaring at the ground, his eyes defiant and sharp, but wet and ready to cry.
"What the hell has gotten into you?"
"Padfoot."
Sirius's anger calmed almost instantly. If was Remus was calling him Padfoot, that must have meant that things were okay now. Things would all make sense soon. Remus would realize he had nothing to fear, and they could make love till the morning.
"Yes, Moony?"
"Nothing. Keep talking," Lupin whispered. He let his hands slowly drop away from the sides of his head, where they had stayed so protectively. They had been ready to block out any sound he didn't want to hear. But now he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear everything.
A quiet silence fell in the room, as dust filtered silver through the moonlight. Neither man moved. They could have been mannequins in a wax museum; quiet, stoic, perfect.
"What do you want me to talk about?" asked Sirius softly, easily breaking the silence. His voice wasn't startling or sharp; had the silence been a piece of fabric, the animagus's voice would have smoothly torn it apart. Sirius sat down two feet in front of Remus. He folded his legs comfortably, and leaned forward with obvious eagerness to please. "I'll talk about anything."
There was another moment of silence. This time the room wasn't waiting for someone to answer, it was waiting for a decision. As Remus mulled over the possibilities, he kept his head still bent down, his nose to the ground, his hands folded in between his legs. "Talk about Lily and James."
"Mmm." Sirius leant back now, his weight on his hands. "Lily and Prongs. They were great together, weren't they? So happy and cheery all the time. Christ, I never thought James would keep Lily that long. Were you rooting for them Moony? Honestly, I wasn't, not until the end at least. Sometimes I wanted Prongs to myself. Does that make you jealous?"
Lupin didn't look up, but only said quietly, "Very jealous."
Sirius went on. "I grew over Prongs though, once I saw how stuck he was on that girl. Plus, imagine, if I had winded up with James instead of you, Harry may never have been born! Harry's a wonderful kid. Confused, and hormonal, but pretty good all the same. He's like the living reincarnation of Lily and James."
"Snape."
Sirius didn't miss a beat. He just went right on to the next subject without pausing. If he paused, it was like he had to think it over. He didn't have to think it over. It was a fluent stream of chatter. "Sev! I can't imagine Severus ever growing happy. Maybe it's our fault he's such a grouch. I feel bad about all the times we taunted him, if you want to know the truth. But that dummy never makes it easy to say sorry. He just throws all your apologies back at you, even when you bloody well mean it!"
"Quidditch."
"I miss being on the field," Sirius went on, "but losing I could do without. You always said I was a poor sport. But if you put me, Prongs, and Harry on the same team, we wouldn't need anyone else, I bet. We could wipe the field clean and at the world cup, and -"
Remus shifted. He brought his hands on top of his knees, but didn't dare to look up. Not even a tiny glance. "All right, that's enough, Padfoot. Thank you."
"Thank you for what?" Sirius exploded. His patience had been had. He was angry at Remus for not looking at him all the while he talked. He was angry at Remus for ordering him around tonight. He was angry at himself for allowing Remus to order him around. But must of all, he was angry at being angry at Remus. He didn't want anger. He wanted to feel love, and only love, and maybe a little lust. "Look at me! Why won't you look at me? Remus, look at me! What's wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry." His hands were over his ears again. "I'm sorry I can't look at you. I'm sorry I can't touch you. I'm sorry Sirius, I really am. It's not I don't want to be with you…It's just…"
"Moony." This time he spoke, Sirius's tone had softened significantly. His anger was gone again. His flaky temper was one thing that Remus had always reprimanded him for. "Come on, tell me what's wrong. I'm listening. What's bothering you?"
Slowly, unsure, Lupin shook his head. It was hard to see the movement, since he still refused to look up from the ground. His head was still partially hidden between his knees. "It's not me. It's you."
Sirius frowned. He didn't have the slightest idea what he meant. He didn't know what had gotten into his lover either, the one person he would share his life with. He didn't have the slightest idea about anything right then. "Me? What's wrong with me? Is it how I look? Is that why you won't look at me?"
Remus's voice had started out strong, "If I look at you…" but now dropped to a fragile whisper. So soft, that it would have been a miracle of anyone could hear it. If he said it, it would make it real. If no one heard, then it could be like he had never said it. If it was never said, it would never be real. But it was real. It had to be said. "If I look at you," Remus breathed, "you won't be there."
Sirius's laugh filled the room. "What are you talking about?"
"Good bye, Sirius."
Remus looked up, his head first, his eyes reluctantly following second. His eyes fixated on the spot where Sirius had been sitting a moment ago. He wasn't there. Remus stood up slowly, his back never leaving the support of the wall. His tired head looked around the room. Sirius was no where to be seen.
There was just a bed, just a dresser, just a man. Just a weeping man who had lost his love to death.
Just a Remus Lupin who would never see a Sirius Black ever again.