The Outsider
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing nor its characters. Plain and simple. I also don't own the song The Outsider by A Perfect Circle from which I derived my inspiration for this little songfic.
Warnings: Focuses on the idea of suicide and death, but no actual actions are taken.
OMG guys, I am the most horrible person the planet! I have chapters I'm currently working on for The Greatest Trick and The Pirate King, but I have been moving to a new apartment in a new town on a different side of the state and gearing up to start grad school in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is also moving to the OPPOSITE side of the state to go to medical school, so life is INSANE right now. I promise to get those up as SOON as I get a little more down time and can devote the time I want to them.
This is a quick one-shot centered on the lyrics to a song. I found all of my old CDs while moving and heard this song for the first time in a long time and I immediately thought up this story. It's just a quick little ditty that took all of 30 mins to write and edit, so it's really more of a relaxing break from life and my other two stories for a hot minute. Set in the midst of AC 195, sometime before the group teams up for the final battle.
Uhm, I'd give a cyber high-five to the first person to figure out whose POV this is from, but it's blaringly obvious…so I'll just give everyone who comments a big hug instead in thanks for reading this tiny little blip.
Help me understand why the hell you do this to yourself? I'm not wired the way you are so it's difficult for all of this to make any sense. You have an affinity for giving into all these reckless, dark desires and it confuses the hell out of me.
I don't consider myself the happiest person on the earth, despite the smile you see plastered on my face nearly all the time. We all know that's just my thing. Like how Quatre feels the need to help everyone, and Trowa's quiet, and Wufei likes to rant about justice. It's who we are, it's how we cope with the war we found ourselves thrust into.
But you, you I just don't understand.
The first time I met you you were willing to sacrifice your life over practically nothing. I shot you, twice. Okay, my bad. Your mission had been compromised by Her Highness. Yes. But that was no excuse for you to launch yourself off the back of a bundle of torpedoes into the bay.
Then I go out of my way to bust you out of that military hospital and how do you repay me? You nearly kill yourself again by conveniently forgetting to pull the cord to your parachute until way too late. Then you're off again in your damaged mobile suit, stealing away in the middle of the night with the parts to MY Deathscythe. Not cool, dude. Seriously.
You're lying to yourself if you think this is how you can complete your mission properly. You're a suicidal freak, an imbecile. If I didn't know any better I'd think that you had no interest in the mission at all and you had just jumped on the war bandwagon in order to find a quick way to kill yourself. I have no idea how to get through to you, to make you understand that there is more to life than dying. More to life than recklessly self-destructing in this war. We have more to live for than that.
On the outside you seem perfect, picture perfect. You're the Perfect Soldier and everyone else in our little group looks up to you. They were right about you, y'know. You are perfect. Perfectly screwed up.
They revered you after you self-destructed in order to save the colonies when we were caught in that stalemate. I thought it was completely narcissistic of you to think that your death alone could stop those OZ scumbags from attacking the colonies. I couldn't stand watching you, watching the way you threw yourself into battle, as if your death alone would fix everything.
You're disconnected from the rest of us. You're a mess. You have no connection to what this is all about. I have a reason to fight. A reason to stay alive. I have loved ones to avenge and people to protect. Even though I don't know them, the people of both Earth and the colonies need us here, alive, to protect them from the horrors of this war.
What's your rush? Everyone has their day to die, what makes you think that yours is so soon? I understand that you may not have people you love and want to protect, but the rest of us do. And maybe the rest of us want you to stick around as well. You may like to imagine yourself as an outsider in this little messed up rag-tag group of ours, but you're really not. You're as big a part, if not bigger, than all the rest of us.
I have no clue what it would take to get all of this through to you. You're such a wreck, you probably wouldn't even listen to a word I said. It's safe to say everyone here thinks I'm just a joker after all. But stop lying to my face about how you really feel because there's more to me than that. I deserve more than to be lied to.
You're self destructing one bullet at a time, and I can't watch it, I refuse to watch you do this to yourself. So if you do choose to go ahead and try to bring an end to this war with your self destructive ways, then do it far away from me. I have a war to fight and I can't have myself distracted by your random displays of suicidal tendencies.