I don't own the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (PPC), the Sue Slayers United (SSU), nor anything you recognize. Period. The end.

Hello, my name is Amara Eurynome. It's overly hard to spell, but I had no choice in the deal. Most people just call me Ara for short.

I want to say this right now - I'm a lanky twelve year old girl with frizzy, dishwater blonde hair that refused to grow past her elbows, gapped and very buck teeth (with a considerable underbite thrown into the mix), wiry muscles, and bags under her greenish silver eyes. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form, and I become extrememly aggrivated with those around me who seem to think so. I'm in no way pretty. Aside from the hair, teeth, bags, and wiry frame, I'm also the tallest girl in my grade.

I'm obsessed with reading books (both paper and fanfic alike), and I'm a total geek when it comes to playing video games (particularily Zelda). My vocabulary is large from all of this reading, and somehow my teachers take that as a sign that I'm a perfect angel. Really, I'm only perfect at holding up that mask. I am smart, I guess, but things just come easily to me, so I don't see myself as a genuis, just someone a little ahead of her time.

My main problem in life is that I can't talk. Honest to goodness, I can't talk. I was mute through and through. The doctors didn't even know why I was, it just seemed that my vocal chords were disfunctional. It sucked, honestly, but I was healthy enough otherwise.

I do some sports, and I've been told that I'm good. XC (cross country, FYI) is my highest choice, with archery coming up in a close second (my famiy's rich, which is why I was allowed this chance). I tried fencing once, and was horrible. Snowboarding and skateboarding are both great fun to do in my free time, but I most certainly ain't the best at anything. I'm what you call a jack of all trades.

Now, I've had a pretty good life. My parents had a lot of money, and they were home about half the time. It was just what I needed, seeing as I couldn't read and game so much with them there all the time, hovering over my shoulder. I had no sassy little sisters or bossy big brothers.

And so that's why I'm sitting on my couch and waiting impatiently for Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess to load. I dropped the wii-mote down beside me while the opening credit things ran, and I jogged my way into the kitchen to fiond some chocolate.

Oh, yeah, I have a serious chocolate addiction. Everyone thinks that without all the running I did in XC, I'd have to weigh a good 300 pounds or more by now, not a proud 115. Before XC, I actually weighed only about 90, but all the running in circles brought me some muscles and sped up my metabolisim, thank goodness. Being that thin attracted way too much attention for my tastes.

I blinked once, and I was quite suddenly in the middle of a forest clearing with a waterfall and puddle-like lake thing. Yup, all in a blink.

It was eerily quiet, and I did not like that one bit. If I was hallucinating, I would've put some type of sound. I was a music person, without a doubt, and when I wasn't listening to music I was playing my little silver flute. Plus, I had some kind of mental problem with silences. They gave me the feeling that something really, really, really horrible was about to happen. I disliked really, really, really horrible things, as any normal person would.

In short, I've come to the conclusion that this wasn't a delusion because there wasn't any music. Get it?

"You have been chosen to assist the Hero of Time," some voice said out of nowhere.

Now, I also had problems, like any realitively sane person, with voices that came from no visible source. So sue me.

So I signed, since I'm very unluckily mute, "Wha?" and I tensed to run. In the fight or flight category, flight won out without a doubt. Bravery is a thing that gets you killed, and I rather like living.

The voice sounded both guy and girl, which I honestly thought was some miles past the sign that said 'THAT'S SOME CREEPY CRAP RIGHT THERE', and answered slowly, "You, Amara, are destined to help the Hero of Old defeat the twilight."

"Wha?" I signed again.

"You, Amara Eurynome - "

"No, no, no. I heard you all right there. But what do you mean by the Hero of Old and twilight? If Edweirdo Sullen is anywhere around here, I'm leaving. That sissy vampire is a stalker through and through."

"You are in Hyrule," the voice said. "The Hero of Old is Link. The twilight is dusk, or gloam."

"Thanks for the vocab, Voice, but I already knew what twilight meant. I was just hoping differently. And... Doesn't Link defeat all this crap with Midna protecting/guiding him? Why does he need help? And why would he need it from me, where there's plenty of Mary-Sues floating all around to help him?"

Voice was obviously baffled, and I smiled at that. I just baffled a really weird voice. Wait... I was talking to a voice that came from nowhere. This wasn't good. Crap, crap, crap, and a poopie on top.

"Well?"

"Umm... Well... You see, the Sues have been creating problems within stories, the Universe likes balance, you see, and they bring in too much perfection. They inadvertently destroy the entire space time continuum within each universe, which isn't that good. With all the perfections, they punch holes through the fabric of space, and soon enough it becomes too frail and falls apart... Oh, and I'm getting tired of them invading this game... So... Yeah. You're here to clean them out."

"Aren't there real Sue Hunters out there? Like, the SSU and the PPC? Why aren't they the professionals here?"

"They haven't noticed Twilight Princess yet. Too bad the Sues have."

"To voice my earlier question - why and how am I going to help Link?"

"You have to protect him from the Sues. You've read about them, yes?"

"Of course. You can't come across a fandom that doesn't have a Sue."

"Good. They you will be able to see how they're described. This will make your job much easier for you."

"Wha?"

"Assuming you agree to kill them, anyways."

"Wait, wait, wait. You said nothing about killing. I am not a killer. Period."

"Sues don't have souls. You aren't killing anything."

"Oh..." I thought this over. "Well, they always were so aggrivating... I guess I could. But why me?"

"You're imperfect. Not just your looks, but your personality. It would take a lot to make you become a Sue. Plus, you're the type that doesn't fall for the characters. You're the new breed of Sue Hunter... I hope..."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, Sue hunters usually try their best not to be known to those in canon at all. You'll be traveling with Link, yet you'll be hunting Sues. You'll be different - the new breed. But you need trained with a sword. And other types of defense. Otherwise you'll just get killed, and that won't look too good on my record."

"Do I have the choice to return home?"

"Nope."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I guess it could. Oh well."

"So... When am I going into this game?"

"Four years before the beginning, of course. Leave the healthy OCs, kill the Sues."

I rolled my eyes. "Wow, that doesn't sound brutal at all."

"No, of course not. But you must act as if you've lost all memory. Otherwise it gets complicated. Very complicated."

"O-kay."

"I'll equip you, and then you must live off of your instincts."

"Sure. Who are you, by the way?"

"... You can call me Jerry."

"When will I leave?"

"When all of the Sues are gone. Here's your things."

"Thanks, Jerry."

Something I recognized as a dagger popped into existance along with a pair of clothes. I pulled on the tunic and leggings, which were a grey color that I didn't mind at all. There was a belt to hold down my dress/tunic with there was botomless pockets. I smiled happily and shoved my dagger into the little holder thingie that hung off the belt.

Who would've thought I'd be sucked into a game to iradicate Sues. And I knew this wasn't some delusion, seeing as everything was still eerily quiet and (as I've already told you) I have problems with silence.

I slipped into the tan pair of boots I'd been provided by Jerry.

"Hey... Jerry... Can I have my iPod?" I signed.

"No," he replied. "It's against canon."

"Oh. So I don't get, like, a rifile or anything?"

"You don't. Once again, it's not in canon."

"Can I have some type of ancient, in cannon Sue detector?"

Very reluctantly, he muttered, "Yes," and I very barely caught a silver necklace that had a glass ball about the size of a quarter on it.

It flashed a pretty blue color when I put it on, and I kinda saw that color reflecting behind my eyes. It's impossible to explain, really. Like someone hits you in the face with a beam of light, but it was... Eh, forget it.

"Thank you, Jerry. How will I know if it a Sue comes around?"

"You will get a red flash from it. Purple means a OC who's borderline Sue, and you need to kill those off also. Blue means an OC, so leave it. A green flash means cannon character. Also, most Sues will have their author's descriptions of their actions appear momentarily above their heads."

"'Kay. Can I have my flute?"

He seemed to think this over. "Sure."

My flute appeared next to me. I smiled to myself and shoved it into a pocket. "Thanks."

"There's one last thing... A lot of Sues have pets that defend them. Unicorns, horses, tigers. The like. So I'm sending down an animal to protect you when your back is turned."

"Okay..."

Down popped a little kitten. It was siamese, and really cute. However, really cute would do nothing against a horse or a tiger, if you know what I mean.

"What's its name?"

"His name is Little Bit."

The cat's eyes opened at that, and he looked around. Seeing me, he jumped up and ever so sweetly used his claws to climb up my leg. I finally tore him off at about my hips with a screech of "You meanie butt!".

I heard Jerry chuckle. Darn voice floating in the middle of nowhere. "Good-bye, Amara, and good luck."

And with that I blinked once again. I still had Little Bit in my arms, but I dropped him once he tried to take a chunk out of my right hand. Dang, that is one psychotic kitten.

I looked around. It was before the very beginning of the game, eh? And now there were some birds tweet-tweet-ing, and the music from the game seemed to be floating in the background. Weird, but I could deal. Except maybe in the Temple of Time... Assuming I even get that far...

And then a portal opened, and a girl came falling from the sky.

I watched her hit, and then something bright red flashed behind my vision. So that meant this was a Sue. Then, horrifyingly, over her head, appeared the words: "Like a borken porcelan doll, a most beautiful gilr fell from the sky. Her hair was like the dark feathers of a black raven's shiney wing, and her skin was as paile as freshly fallnd snow."

Well. The authoress was having problems spelling.

Excuse me? That's the Sue's author, not yours, you tard. Watch it. I'll have Little Bit eat you.

Ah. So this was a Sue. And, judging by the way Little Bit was glaring at her, I had the feeling she was not exactly awake.

Oh, so you're ignoring me now? Hunh?

You're the authoress. You're writing me. It's not my fault.

Oh...

Anyways... This Sue was out cold. But then, the words "Wiht the beauty of beauty itself, Marilyn Helen Gracie Susie WhateverLink'sLastNameIs's jade green eyes opened." popped into existance, so I decided to stab the thing before she could wake up and screech at me.

I felt bad for a half second, but then the girl blew up into a bunch of pink sparkles that nearly choked me to death. After that, I wasn't so sympatheitc.

Little Bit didn't seem to be much better off. He was hacking and trying to wipe the pink glitter from his little snout. I snorted at him before taking pity on his furry little soul and scooping him up. He didn't have enough time to claw me, seeing as I totally drop kicked him into the deeper part of the puddle-lake.

I heard some nasty hissing come from the water as the Sue-dust was absorbed. Wow. That's some vicious stuff, there.

Well, Little Bit wasn't the happiest kitten when he finally dragged himself out of the healing puddle.

At least, I believe Faron Spring was a healing puddle. Wasn't it? Yeah, yeah... Faron, the monkey who has an OCD with shiny things, was a light spirit here, so that meant this was a healing spring. Good. But that might not be so good when the Sue heals herself. Can Sues even heal? Yes, I suppose they could. They always do in stories...

"Well Little Butthead, we're gonna have to get some sword training. Do you have any idea where to go?"

The kitten gave me a blank look.

I sighed and walked out of the spring and towards Ordon. Maybe I could go to Rusl and see if I could find someone in Castle Town to tutor me in the art of killing things. That would work, hopefully.

So I started off at a nice six minute mile jog, and I should've been there in a minute or so.

It was a two hour run to make it to the rope bridge. Y'know, the scary looking one over a ravine that you can't even see the botom of.

And, of course, I was covered in sweat and probably looking very unlady-like by this point in time. Who cares, really?

I sped up to a sprint when I saw Ordon Puddle, and I was nearly flying when I finally saw Link's house. Then I was hit with a flash of red.

What? Two Sues? But why were they coming so far before the game started?

Shoving those thoughts back, I skidded to a stop.

Some "angleic" voice was coming from up by Link's front door. To me it sounded more like someone was puking, but I'll just keep that to myself.

"Linkie pooh," it called.

I was astonished when the twelve year old Link came out and stared at the Sue with googly eyes. It "had the smile of a rose, and the skin of a leaf". What? That skin of a leaf? The Sue was green?

Well, it looked pretty pale to me. And it's mouth was this really ugly color pink that reminded me of the other that had blown up into sparkles.

"Hello, Marilin Susanna."

Heh. Marilin Susanna? That made my name look like a breeze to spell.

"Linkie, I have a letter from my father, Mayor Bo," it gurgled. "Poor Ilia isn't feeling well enough to send it."

Feeling sickened, I scooped Little Butt, who's colapsed beside me sometime during that exchange, and threw him up at the Sue. I, somehow, managed to hit her in the back of the head.

There was a lot of hissing and screaming, but then that Sue burst into a whole heck of a lotta sparkles.

Link blinked while Little Butt jumped off the balcony with the air of someone who'd just gotten the the mail or poured a cup of coffee. The demonic kitten shot me a 'Yeah-I-Did-Just-Kill-A-Sue' look. I aimed a kick at him.

"Excuse me, but who are you, Miss? And why do I feel as if you have done me a great favor by killing Marilin Susanna?"

Times like these were when I hated being mute. But I made do, and motioned him to sit on the ground. I know I was sweaty and icky looking, but he'd better get used to it if we're gonna be traveling.

I can't talk, I wrote in the dirt with a stick.

"What language is that?"

Crap. I don't know Hylian. What the heck am I gonna do to communicate? Er... Shrug! That's it, Amara, shrug.

Link gave me a blank stare in return. But then he too shrugged and said, "Marilin Susanna was always trying to get me to kiss her and other yucky things. What's your name?"

Shrug, shake.

"You do not know?"

Nod.

"Are you quite sure?"

I gave him a look.

He looked back. "Really sure?"

I nodded.

"Do you have no memory?"

Nod.

"Are you quite sure?"

Do you know a different phrase? Yeesh.

"Really sure?"

I think I'm gonna hate Jerry for making me go on a trip with Link.

"How horrid. Do you have anyone here who could help you?"

Er, no... Creeper Elf. Yes, I believe I shall call him Creeper Elf... Or CE when I don't feel like spelling that all out.

Predictably, I got up and sprinted as fast as I could to Rusl's house and away from Creeper Elf. There, I knocked and smiled when a six year old Colin opened the door. People, he was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. His blonde hair was all messy... Reminded me of some child star or another...

"Is your father home?" I tried to mime.

He gave me a smile that had to've hurt. "If you're asking if my father is home, then yep. But who are you?"

I grabbed some random stick and scratched my name into the dirt, hoping maybe he knew how to read English. Colin shrugged.

"I can't read," he said. "Where are your parents?"

I shook my head.

"Oh... I'm sorry for your loss. Where are you from?"

I shrugged. I can't very well say earth. That'll just freak him out. Plus, I had to be acting dumb.

"So you're just a wanderer, eh?"

I guess I was now. How funny. I nodded.

"Do you have a name?"

Shake.

"Can I give you a name?"

I gave him another nod. After all, I don't think I'd like to just be known as 'Her'.

Colin's face lit up. "Really? How 'bout... Wanderer? And then I can just call you Wanda."

I liked it. Wanderer. And Wanda was so much easier to say that Amara, which rolled off the tounge oddly.

So with a smile that could blind, Colin let me into his home. His father was holding a cup of tea, and Uli was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, dad, guess what?" Colin chirped.

Rusl looked up, gave me a long look, and then turned his eyes to Colin. "Who is she, son? And why is she so oddly dressed?"

"She doesn't talk, da. It's kinda weird, but in a good way. She was looking for you."

I gave him a slight bow. He gave me a respectful nod in return.

"She said I could name her, though, since she doesn't have one. So now she's Wanderer, but I get to call her Wanda."

"Colin, I believe your mother would like some help skinning the potatoes for dinner," Rusl prodded. Off Colin went. Once he was really gone, Rusl smiled at me slowly. "You must be very kind, Wanderer, for my son to have warmed up to you so fast. What can I do for you?"

I walked over to his table, picked up a pencil (yeah, they had pencils), and scribbled on a piece of paper, I need to learn to fight, sir, and I think you can help me.

I prayed to whatever god that was out there that he could read English.

Rusl's eyebrows shot up. "Where did you learn that language, Wanderer?"

My eyes rolled up to the heavens and I thanked whatever deity had answered my prayr. And then I leaned over the paper again and wrote, I don't know, sir. I have lost my memory, and I know nothing of my own history.

That was oddly smart for little ol' me. Usually I wasn't so good at pulling things together, and lying was certainly not my strongsuit.

"Really? How unlucky. Why do you think I could be of any help?"

You know many people in Castle Town, or so many say. I've heard of a man who lives outside of Hyrule in the mountains with his daughter Ashei. I was hoping you could lead me to him.

Rusl paled, and then his face got really grim. "Who are you? How do you know of this? How do you know of Rephilam?"

I can't tell you, I wrote, for I know nothing myself.

"Do you know where he lives? Do you know the country?"

I don't know. Maybe.

"They all write in English there. It is nameless and primative, filled with wilderness and uncivilized natives."

O-kay. Thanks for the info.

"Why do you feel the need to train with Rephilam?"

Because I have to, I scribbled shortly, hating how melodramitic it sounded.

Rusl sat for a while, staring at me. I had the feeling that he was assessing me. Creeper Number Two. Dearest piles of crap, was this game gonna be filled with 'em?

"It is a long journey, Wanderer. We will leave shortly."

And that is how I got here.

Here = Freezing half to death on the side of Snow Peak, hoping desperately that the crazy old man who was leading me was actually leading me to a real place.

It was really, really, really, really, real-a-fricken-ly cold.

I'd been traveling for about a month, and I was really not looking forward to the month back I'd have to travel so that I could fufil my promise to Colin and so I could sweep all of the Sues outta Ordon. Yea, I'd signed up for two months of heck because of that sweet little kid's cuteness and Creeper Elf's inability to not be romanced by any Sue to cross his path.

Darn elf...

...

Hylian...

...

Whatever.

My goldfish, this cold was numbing my brain, too.

Crap.

Heh...

...

Crapcicle...

...

Get it?

...

Crap?

Icicle?

Mixed together?

...

My goldfish, this cold was numbing my brain, too.

Crap...

...

Heh...

...

Crapcicle...

...

Get it?

...

Crap?

Ici -

"We're here," Rusl announced finally. "Are you quite sure you want to begin Rephilam's vigorous training? Is the art of the sword that important to you?"

I gave him a look and stumbled my way to the mansion that would serve as my home for the next four years. Little Butt was tucked away in one of my coats, and he shifted a bit.

Faintly, I heard Rusl shout a good-bye. I waved over my shoulder and knocked on the large door.

A kinda old, black haired, heavy lidded man opened the door. He stared at me for a total of three milliseconds before ushering me in.

"You must be cold, little one. Come, come. I am Rephilam, and my daughter and I have been tracking your progress to our little fortress. You were with Rusl, which means you must be a stray who wanted taught. Am I right?"

I blinked. It took a few seconds to sort out what he said through his thick accent, the sudden rush of warmth, how grand this mansion was, and (did I happen to mention) the warmth. So it was understandable for me to nod dazedly.

"Good, good. My Ashei is a master swordswoman. I am proud to see another woman so willing to learn. I believe your lessons will begin tomorrow."

So... Warm...

"Ashei is tending to the soup; dinner will be in an hour. I will lead you to your room."

I bumbled after him, relishing in the ability to feel my toes, and gasped soundlessly at the acres of space my room contained. There was the biggest four poster bed I'd ever seen, a very plush couch and chair set. A vintage desk. Dressing table, dresser, wardrobe... Everything I could ever dream of.

All of the fabrics were this airy blue color, and all of the wood was some type of ash... I think... Eh. It was beautiful, none the less.

"You like, yea?"

I swiveled to see a twenty-one year old Ashei leaning on the doorpost with a slightly amused look on her face. I nodded rigorously.

"Do you talk?"

Shake.

She tilted her head. "Why?"

Shrug.

"Do you have some way of communicating?"

I motioned her to the desk and bent over the pencil and paper that had been sitting there. Quickly, I wrote, I have two ways of communication. This way, and the way I prefer. I use my hands, and it's much quicker than writing all this out.

Ashei read over my shoulder. "Ah. Will you teach this way to me, yea? It is very important we communicate well."

I nodded and began stripping off the three or four layers of coat I was wearing. Those were thrown unceremoniously onto the bed, Little Butt mewed in protest once, and then I rolled my shoulders a few times to try to work the knots out. After that, I popped my fingers and began my lessons. First, basics. A, B, C.

Ashei barely had A and B down when her father came in and told us to get down to dinner. The soup was good, and it warmed what little bit of me hadn't thawed out completely. After that, Ashei insisted I get to bed, because tomorow would be hard.

Sigh. I wonder how many Sues I'll have to kill off. And what about Gary Stus?