What I Always Wanted You To Know
Disclaimer—Don't own anything, except parts of the idea.
A/N: Gotta give credit to avBabe,over at Fanfiction, as well as Yvonne Muller from the Facebook group FanFiction Fanatics, for suggestions and advice about the title and direction of the story. More of a relationship-based story, so if those aren't your cup of tea, don't bother reading—Robertwnielsen
Summary—Caitlin makes a few startling confessions.
"What brought this request on, Caitlin?" Marella asked her friend, Caitlin O'Shannessy, in Archangel's office at Knightsbridge.
"A lot of things, Marella, but mainly I-I just feel like there are things I need to say. And if somehow, I can get String to hear them, so much the better." Caitlin sighed as she pictured Hawke's face, when he realized what she had done. He may not want to speak to me again, when he discovers where I went, she thought.
"I understand, Caitlin, and if you don't mind me saying this, good for you. Michael and I have been watching the two of you for a while now, and we can both see how much you care for Hawke. And, I hope you don't mind me saying this, either, but Michael told me about what you told Dom in the limo that day, when you were discussing rescuing Hawke from Horn."
"No, Marella, I don't mind you saying that, because it's the truth. I do care about String—a lot more than he, or Dom, knows. Maybe—I dunno. Maybe if I do this, it'll give me the courage I need to tell String how I really feel."
"I hope so. Well, good luck, Caitlin."
"Thanks. I think I'm gonna need it." Caitlin smiled at Marella, even as she thought, I don't just think I'm gonna need it. I know I am.
Santini Air, the same time
"Where's Cait, Dom?" Stringfellow Hawke demanded as he walked into the hangar.
"Marella came and picked her up a few minutes ago, String, but she didn't tell me what for," Dominic Santini replied. "Which reminds me—Marella also told me to tell you that Michael has a disk of software upgrades for our baby." He smiled as he pictured Airwolf in his mind's eye. "You want me to call Karen?" Dr. Karen Hansen, a software expert, had helped Hawke and Dom when a logic bomb planted by Airwolf's creator, Charles Henry Moffett, had taken over Airwolf's systems and almost destroyed the FIRM, and killed Dom and Hawke.
"Yeah, go ahead, Dom. I'd better get out there, then," Hawke said, smiling as he took the keys to one of the Jeeps.
"Take care, String. Toni, Sinj and I'll keep things together while you're gone," Dom said, smiling at Hawke.
"I always do," Hawke replied, smiling at Dom, then at his older brother Saint John.
"Say hi to Michael for me, little brother," Saint John said, just before String climbed into the jeep.
"Okay, Sinj," Hawke replied, then climbed into the jeep and drove off.
As he drove, Hawke found his thoughts drifting back to Caitlin, as they had been doing more often the past few weeks. Ever since Sinj came home, actually, String thought, shaking his head. I just can't get Caitlin out of my mind. I mean, I even see her face when I go to sleep at night, and, I have to admit, she is beautiful. Probably more beautiful than any woman I've ever known. He sighed as he thought about the curse he felt like he had on himself—that anyone he loved, or might love, would die.
But Sinj coming home busts a pretty big hole in that curse, he thought. And as far as Gabrielle goes, how many times has Dom told me how arrogant it sounds when I think that she was killed because we were lovers? Hell, Moffet didn't even know we were lovers, I'll bet. Or if he did, he didn't give a damn. He saw Gabrielle as an obstacle to be eliminated, just like Angela, those people at Red Star, the crew of that Navy destroyer, the pilots of those Mirages, and everyone else he killed before Dom and I stopped him.
As far as Mom and Dad and Kelly are concerned, they were both accidents. Nobody knew those two idiots were going to get themselves so drunk that they couldn't think straight, and then cause those accidents. Hawke sighed as he pulled into a parking place at Knightsbridge, just in time to see Marella and Caitlin climb into the FIRM limousine and pull away from the building. Wonder what that's about? Hawke thought as he walked into the building and up to Archangel's office. Dom did say Marella picked Caitlin up a little while ago. Maybe Michael knows what's going on.
"Hawke, this disk has the software updates I told you about," Archangel said, handing a CD case over. "I presume you'll be contacting Dr. Hansen again?"
"Yes, Michael. She understands these things a lot better than Dom or I do. Heck, if we tried to install these updates, we'd probably screw up some important system aboard Airwolf. I never dealt with the software when I was the test pilot, you know—I left that for the computer people like Winchester and Dr. Hansen. Actually, I told Dom to call her just before I left. By the way, I saw Marella and Caitlin leaving a few minutes ago. You wouldn't happen to know where they were headed, do you?"
"As a matter of fact, I do, Hawke. Caitlin had asked Marella to take her to a special gravesite we constructed recently, but she wouldn't say why. Here's the address," Michael said, handing over a small slip of paper.
"Thank you, Michael. I certainly hope your telling me this doesn't cause any trouble for you, with Marella. Oh, by the way, I almost forgot. Sinj said to tell you hello."
"Well, please tell Saint John, Dominic, and Caitlin all that I said hello, as well. At least," Michael said, grinning, "If Caitlin's still speaking to you when she finds out how you knew where she went."
"I'll do that, Michael, and thank you again. As for Caitlin, I'll deal with her when I see her. It won't be the first time she's been upset with me, and," Hawke grinned as he pictured Caitlin's face, "it probably won't be the last, either. I just hope you're not expecting Dr. Hansen to tell you anything about where Airwolf is. I haven't forgotten what happened before."
Archangel sighed. "No, Hawke. I understand how upset you were when you found out that Dr. Hansen works for the FIRM, but considering how she helped you with that logic bomb that was infecting Airwolf's computers, and probably saved all our lives, I don't have any desire to use her to try and get Airwolf back. I actually have to confess something about that—I-I was under orders from Zeus when I sent Karen to you that first time, and I apologize for what happened. Zeus and I had a very heated argument over the deal that I made with you about Saint John, and how Zeus was trying to use Karen to break that deal. I suppose it's all moot now, since Saint John is home, but I-I thought you should know that, and I sincerely apologize for what happened." Michael tensed, half expecting Hawke to slug him again, like he had the night that Michael informed him about Moffet sinking that American destroyer.
"I understand, Michael, and I appreciate the fact that you told me." Hawke took the paper and left, climbing back into the Jeep a few minutes later. Well, I guess I'm not surprised Zeus was the reason Michael used Karen that first time, he thought as he drove. That might be what kept me from slugging Michael again. The address Michael had given Hawke was not too far away from Knightsbridge, so Hawke arrived just as he saw the limousine pull away. He parked the Jeep and walked into the small arboretum, spotting Caitlin a few minutes later as she stopped in front of a small gravestone. Hawke quickly stepped out of sight behind a tree, even as he caught his breath as he caught sight of the name on the headstone—Gabrielle Ademaur.
What the heck is Caitlin doing here, and why didn't I know about this place? Hawke wondered when he saw the name on the headstone. He remembered bringing Gabrielle's body back from Libya, and turning it over to Michael for burial, but he couldn't understand why Michael had never told him where she had been buried, or what Caitlin was doing there. Then, he saw Caitlin lay a hand on the headstone, and heard Caitlin's voice.
"Hello, Gabrielle. My name is Caitlin O'Shannessy. You don't know me, but I know quite a bit about you. We know some of the same people—Archangel, Marella, Dominic Santini, and most importantly, Stringfellow Hawke. String and Dom told me a lot about you, and I asked Marella to tell me where you were buried because I felt like there were some things I needed to come and tell you.
"First of all, let me tell you a little about me, and how I know String and Dom—or, Mr. Santini, as he's told me you called him. I called him that a lot when I first met him, but he finally convinced me that I needed to start calling him 'Dom.' Anyway, I met String and Dom a couple of years ago when they came to Texas, where I lived until then. He ended up blowing away the county jail, the sheriff, and half the cowboys in town with that monster machine of his! But after he left, I decided to come out here to California to find him. I think the main reason I came out here was because of Airwolf, but I think I was already kinda interested in String, even though I had barely spoken to him. I mean," she smiled at the thought that had crossed her mind, along with the image of String's smiling face, "you know how good-looking String is. I think what caught my attention the most was those ice-blue eyes of his. I can get lost in those eyes, sometimes. But, that's not what I came here to say to you.
"Dom told me how you pulled String out of that shell he'd been in for so long. I remember Dom tellin' me about how embarrassed he was when he met you comin' down from String's loft, back at the cabin. I can't imagine what his face must have looked like, especially when he told me you were pulling your sweater on as you came down the stairs."
Hawke smiled as he recalled that day—Dom was embarrassed, he thought, especially when he thought about what we had been doing up there. Then, he heard Caitlin speak again.
"Dom told me how much more String had been smilin' that day—and how good it looked to see him smilin' like that again. But lately, he's—he's been getting distant again, Gabrielle, and I want to help him, but I just don't know how to do it.
"I mean—and I feel real embarrassed sayin' this—but I love String, Gabrielle. Maybe not the same way you did, but I love Stringfellow Hawke more than I've ever loved anybody in my whole life. I think I've loved him ever since I first met him, when he was in the cell back in the Pope County jail." She paused to wipe a tear out of her eye.
"I love String, Gabrielle." Hawke caught his breath at the words he'd just heard. Does she mean that? He wondered. He remembered what Dom had told him Caitlin had said in Michael's limo. 'Dom, don't do that to me. I care about him, too, y'know. Probably more than you know.'
Did she seriously mean that she's in love with me? Hawke wondered. Almost in answer to his unspoken question, Caitlin began speaking again.
"And I'm in love with String, too. And that's part of why I came here—I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to tell you that. Maybe I figured that if I said it out loud, without String hearin' it, it'd be easier to tell String face to face, I dunno. Or, maybe I felt like you needed to know about me, and how I feel about String, since you became so special to him after you flew Michael up to the cabin to tell String about Moffet stealing Airwolf.
"I know all about that danged curse he's always yapping about—Mr. Santini told me about that, too. But what I don't get is why String keeps thinkin' his parents and Kelly—the girl who got killed right before he left for Vietnam—dying were his fault, especially now that his brother Saint John is home. I mean, his parents and Kelly were both killed in accidents, and they could have happened to anybody. Not to mention the fact that String could have been killed both those times, too." Hawke smiled as he recalled Dom telling him the same thing not long ago. And Sinj even reminded me of that, Hawke thought. And, he thought, remembering Caitlin's words from a moment ago—'and I'm in love with String, too'—I guess that answers that question. He caught himself when Caitlin started talking again.
"And I know all about what happened to you, Gabrielle—about Moffet, and everything. I've read all the reports from Michael, and Mr. Santini and Hawke have told me about it. Please don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I know you had self-defense training as part of bein' a field agent for Michael, but-but I think that you got thrown into a real bad situation, having to go to Libya and replace Angela on the spur of the moment like you did, and I get the feeling you weren't ready for what happened. I know one thing—even though I'm a black-belt in karate, there is no way in hell I'd want to deal with Moffet, unless I had String, Dom, and Airwolf in full combat mode behind me! But, Moffet's dead, thank goodness. And Hawke keeps talkin' about how you getting killed was his fault, because of that danged curse of his, but sometimes, I wonder if he realizes just how danged arrogant that sounds—him thinkin' you're dead because you were in love with each other."
She's right, Hawke thought, considering what he'd just heard. What happened to Mom and Dad, and Kelly, were both accidents, and it was just blind, stupid luck that one of them didn't kill me, too. And she's—she's right about Gabrielle, too. Gabrielle wasn't used to doing field work, and she might not have been properly instructed before they sent her in. I remember how I barely got a few minutes' worth of briefing when I landed in Paris to catch that flight to Libya. And how I had to read 'Michael Derrick's' life story in that book, "Latin Lovers." And now that I hear Caitlin say that, I guess it does sound awfully arrogant of me to think that Gabrielle was murdered because she was in love with me. I doubt Moffet even knew Gabrielle and I had become lovers, after all. Even if Moffet did know about us, he didn't kill her because of that. He killed her because he knew she was trying to help me get Airwolf back, and he was determined to stop me. Something else Dom has been trying to get me to understand for a long time. Caitlin's voice brought Hawke out of his thoughts again.
"I mean, what I don't understand is why Hawke can't get it through that gorgeous head of his that I'm perfectly capable of takin' care of myself. When I think of everything I've been through since I came out here to find him, and even before I knew that Stringfellow Hawke even existed, back home in Texas, I'm surprised I'm not dead already! But it's like I told that guy on the plane when I was flyin' back to Texas for my sister Erin's wedding—I know karate, and I give free samples."
And I felt one of those samples at Horn's compound, Hawke thought, wincing as he remembered how hard Caitlin kicked him in the chest when he had attacked her, since he didn't recognize her because of the disguise she wore, and the fact that he was still under the influence of Horn's brainwashing. I had a bruise on my chest for two weeks after she kicked me, he thought. And, I heard how it took four guys to knock her out when she was investigating that other air service with Kevin, he thought. Not to mention the way she saved 4-4 Charlie after fighting with Holly, or was able to evade some of Villars' missiles without Airwolf's help. Maybe-maybe I haven't given Caitlin enough credit when it comes to defending herself, Hawke thought, then he heard Caitlin saying something else.
"It's like I said before, though, Gabrielle. I don't mean this as an insult or anything, because I know Michael gives all his field agents self-defense training, but I got the feelin' that you weren't prepared for what happened after Angela was killed and you got sent to Libya in her place. And the fact that you weren't prepared might have been what got you killed, I don't know. Well, that and the fact that Moffet was a complete and utter psychopath. I-I just know that String and Mr. Santini have both been beating themselves up over your death, and I don't think either one of 'em had anything to do with it. I mean, okay, I get what Mr. Santini says about it, that if he could've figured out Airwolf's scanners a little more quickly, he might have been able to save you, but he couldn't. And he shouldn't blame himself for that, and neither should String.
"I just hate seein' String fallin' back into that depression of his, especially now that his older brother Saint John is back, alive. It turned out that Saint John—or Sinj, as String, Dom and I call him—was recruited into a division of the CIA kinda like the FIRM, after he was pulled out of the POW camp, and his unit was classified so high that even Michael had trouble findin' out anything about it. I just wish there was somethin' I could do to pull String out of that depression, y'know? I mean, it hurts me watchin' String getting so depressed, especially when there's nothin' he can say, or do, to bring you back, even though I know he wishes he could."
You're right, Cait, Hawke thought from his position behind the tree. I do wish I could bring Gabrielle back, but I also know that I can't, any more than I can't bring Mom and Dad, or Kelly, back. But I have to admit, having Sinj back does bust a pretty big hole in that curse.
"And the reason it hurts so much is because I'm here, alive, and absolutely head-over-heels in love with String," Caitlin continued, "and I'm getting real sick and tired of how he's always pushin' me away because he's afraid I'm gonna die, like you did. I mean, Dom told me about the way String was the day he met you at the cabin—smiling and happy—and the few times I've ever seen him smile at me, I know it's absolutely melted my heart. I just wish I could get him to smile at me a little more often, y'know?
"I guess the other reason I came here was because I needed to say these things without Hawke throwing them back in my face. He's done that before, and it really hurts when he does it. I mean, I've tried to tell him how I feel about him more than once, and even tried to show him how I felt, like when I kissed him after Michael brought me off the ship where Sawyer had been holdin' me prisoner, but he keeps throwing my love away, and I-I wonder if he knows how badly that hurts me."
I do know, now, Caitlin, and I'm so sorry, Hawke thought. And I love you, too. Maybe not the same way I loved Gabrielle, but I do love you. I-I've just been afraid to admit it. But if you'll let me, I'll spend the rest of our lives proving how much I love you.
"I've gotta be honest, though—I'm seriously thinking about goin' home to Texas, even though I don't want to leave Dom, or String. But it's—it's just getting too hard, comin' in to the hangar every day and seein' String there, and not bein' able to show him how I feel about him. Not bein' able to give him a kiss when he and Dom get to the hangar, or give him a kiss goodbye before Dom takes him back to the cabin, or even to go back there with him. Those are things I guess I'll never get to do, as long as String keeps hidin' behind that danged curse. And I feel like there's got to be a man out there who will love me, but I can't stay here waitin' to find him, or waitin' for something that's never gonna happen with String."
No, Hawke thought. I-I don't want you to leave, Caitlin. I-I guess it's time. Time to admit what Dom, Sinj, Toni, and everybody else already seems to know. How much I love Caitlin.
"Well, I guess I don't know what else to say, except thanks. Thanks for what you did bringin' String out of his shell and back to the world of the living. Now I just wish he'd let me finish the job. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. That sounded wrong. I didn't mean to say that I want to take your place in String's heart, Gabrielle. I'd never do that, because I know how much he loved you. I-I just wish he could find a place for me in his heart, and love me."
"I do, Caitlin," Hawke said, stepping out from behind the tree. "I do love you, and there's a very special place in my heart for you." Hawke smiled at her, a warm, friendly, and loving smile.
"Hawke! How-how long were you standing there?" she demanded. There it is, she thought when she saw Hawke smile at her, the smile that absolutely melts my heart. But I'm still worried—heck, forget worried, now, I'm scared—about what he thinks about what I'm doin' here, and whatever he heard me saying. And I'm wonderin' if he really means what he says, or if he just said that because I said I'm thinkin' about leaving.
"I heard everything," Hawke admitted. "I got to Knightsbridge just as you and Marella were leaving, and Michael told me where you were going. And I-I do love you, Caitlin. Probably more than you know."
Caitlin smiled as she heard the echoes of her statement to Dom from a few weeks earlier. "Do-do you mean that, String? Or are you just sayin' that because I said I'm thinkin' about leaving?" Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, Caitlin regretted them. Geez, that was dumb! Now I know what Daddy meant when he said, 'Don't operate mouth unless brain is engaged!' Because my brain obviously wasn't engaged when my big, stupid mouth said that. I just hope String can forgive me for it, someday.
I deserved that. I mean, until today, I've never said things like this without them dripping in sarcasm, and it makes sense that she thinks I only said it this time because she said she's thinking about leaving. I'd better let Caitlin know that this time, I do mean it, Hawke thought as he took a moment to gather his thoughts before he walked up to her, took her hands in his, and responded. "I do mean that, Caitlin. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you, Caitlin O'Shannessy. More than I've loved anyone, at least since I met Gabrielle."
I know String better than that, Caitlin thought. I've been around him long enough to know that he never says things like that if he doesn't mean them. I owe him the biggest apology, ever! "String," she whispered, unsure if she could completely trust her voice, "I-I love you, too! It's like I said a few minutes ago—I have loved you since I met you. Th-that's why I said what I did to Dom that day in Michael's limo. I meant that I was—that I am—in love with you, String. I just never thought you felt the same way about me."
"I understand, Caitlin. I mean, I never really gave you any reason to think that I felt this way until just now, but I want you to know that I do feel the same way about you. I love you, Caitlin, and I'm in love with you. I think I've been in love with you since that day in Bogan's jail cell, just like you said you were with me, but I-I've just been afraid to admit it, until now. And it's funny—Dom has told me a lot of the same things you were saying just now, just like you have, but this time, for some reason, they actually got through my thick skull." He smiled hesitantly at Caitlin, and was rewarded when she smiled back at him and slipped her arms around his neck.
"String, I understand," Caitlin said, smiling at him as she felt his arms go around her waist. "I understand, and I forgive you. I mean, if I'd gone through everything you have in your life, I might have done the same thing. And, I-I hope you don't mind that I came here—I-I just needed to say these things to somebody, even if they really weren't here to hear them."
"Well, even though you didn't know it, I was here, too, and I heard everything you said. I won't throw it back in your face again, Caitlin, because I feel the same way. And, I promise you something right here and now. I promise you that I'm going to spend the rest of our lives making up for pushing you away the way I did." Hesitantly, he pulled Caitlin closer in his arms until their lips met, then he finally kissed her with all the pent-up emotions he'd been holding inside him.
Caitlin felt the gentle pressure of Hawke's lips against hers, then she felt the kiss increase in intensity and passion as she felt Hawke's arms tighten around her body, and she let her eyes slip closed. She kissed him back with all the love she'd been holding inside and saving for this moment, even as she felt tears erupt behind her eyelids. But, they're happy tears, she thought excitedly, because I know that String loves me, and is in love with me, the same way that I'm in love with him! And he said 'the rest of our lives!' God in Heaven, he must be serious! She luxuriated in the feeling of having Hawke's arms around her, the way she'd always dreamed they would be someday. God, if I'm dreamin', don't you dare wake me up! Finally, much to her displeasure, she felt Hawke break the kiss and pull back slightly.
The first thing Hawke noticed as he pulled back was the tears in Caitlin's blue-green eyes. "Caitlin, I'm-I'm sorry," he said.
"Sorry? Stringfellow Hawke, you don't have anything to be sorry about, except maybe for ignoring my feelings for as long as you have. These tears are because I'm happy, for Pete's sake! I'm happy that you've finally accepted that I love you, and admitted that you feel the same way about me." I never thought I could feel as happy, or as alive, as I did when String kissed me a minute ago, Caitlin thought. I never knew it was possible for another human being to feel like that!
"Thanks, Cait," Hawke said, relieved. "I was just afraid that I'd upset you—maybe I'd moved too fast or something."
As far as I'm concerned, String, you're not moving fast enough. But that's okay, Caitlin thought. Like String just said, we'll have the rest of our lives together, 'cause now that I know String loves me the same way I love him, I know I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with Stringfellow Hawke! She looked up at String and smiled at him, a mind-blowingly brilliant smile that Hawke immediately determined melted his heart. "No, String. You weren't moving too fast. I-I'm just relieved that you've finally acknowledged how you feel about me, like I said before."
"Thanks, Cait. Now, how are you getting back to the hangar? Did you have a ride? I know Michael said Marella brought you here, but I don't see the limo around anywhere."
"No, actually. Marella asked if I wanted her to come back, but I told her no, that I'd figure out another way to get back."
"Well," Hawke said, smiling as he wrapped his arm around Caitlin's waist, "I guess today's your lucky day, because I've got one of the Jeeps parked over there." He pointed toward the parking spot he'd left Dom's jeep in.
Today's my lucky day, all right! Caitlin thought, in more ways than one! God in Heaven, I swear I'm the happiest woman on the face of the earth right now! Suddenly, something in the air shifted, and Caitlin thought she heard something that sounded almost like a sigh of relief. "String? Did you-did you feel that?"
"Yeah. I swear I heard something that sounded like a sigh, too."
"I heard it, too. String, you might think I'm crazy, but I-I think Gabrielle just gave us her blessing."
"No, Cait. I-I don't think you're crazy at all. Actually, I think you're exactly right." Hawke couldn't place it, but something felt different to him. He glanced over at the headstone, then he and Caitlin walked up to it and laid their hands on it, together. "Thanks, Gabrielle. Thanks for listening to Caitlin, and helping me admit how I feel about her. I'll never forget you. I promise." But I won't be thinking of her as often, because now, I have someone new to think about, Hawke thought as he glanced at Caitlin.
"I wanted to say thank you, too," Caitlin said, laying her hand on top of Hawke's. "Thank you for giving me the courage to do what I did today. I'll always remember that. And don't worry, because I'll take good care of String. Good-bye, Gabrielle." She smiled up at Hawke as she slipped an arm around his waist and they turned away from the grave, headed back toward the Jeep.
Once they were headed back to the hangar, Caitlin said, "I'm sorry, String."
"Sorry for what?" Hawke asked.
"For doin' this without tellin' you about it—it's like I said, though—I wanted to be able to get those feelings out without havin' you throw them back in my face the way you have before. And I was kinda hopin' I'd get a chance to tell you someday, but I wasn't expecting you to step out from behind that tree like that. How'd you know where to find me, anyway?"
"Dom reminded me I had to go to Knightsbridge and get a disk with some updates for Airwolf," Hawke said, "and Michael gave me the address of where you had gone, after I told him I saw you and Marella leaving. And you don't need to be sorry, Cait. I understand, and it's okay."
"Thanks, String." Caitlin sighed happily as she leaned back in her seat.
"Dom told me what you said to him in Michael's limo that day," Hawke said as they drove, "but he said he wondered what you meant. I guess now, I'll be able to tell him."
"Yeah. I-I was just afraid that day, String. Afraid that Dom wasn't going to bring me with him to help rescue you, and afraid that we wouldn't be able to get you out of there, and Michael would send Zebra Squad, and God-only-knows who else to take that place out. He said he was giving us 48 hours, 'and then, I'm hitting that location with everything I've got.'"
"I remember Dom telling me about that." He quickly glanced over at Caitlin and smiled at her. "But you pulled it off, Caitlin. You, and Dom. I owe both of you for that."
"Just like I owe you and Dom for what happened with Villars, the hijacking, Del Lomo, Sawyer, and probably one or two others I'm forgetting. Let's face it, String—we look out for each other."
"Yeah. We do." Hawke quickly smiled at Caitlin and was rewarded with another of her mind-blowing smiles directed back at him.
A short time later, they arrived back at the hangar, and immediately grabbed each other's hands after they both got out of the Jeep.
"String? Cait? What the heck is going on with you two?" Dom demanded, focusing on their joined hands. What on earth happened while they were gone? He wondered.
"Dom, when Marella picked me up earlier, she took me to visit Gabrielle's grave," Caitlin said, surprising Dom, "and I just said what was in my heart—the things that I've always wanted String to know, but been afraid to say because of how I thought he'd react to them. I had no idea that he'd figured out where I was, and that he'd heard every word."
"And I realized something, too," Hawke said, handing over the CD case. "I realized that I love Caitlin, the same way that she loves me. And that I've felt that way for a very long time. Or, maybe I just admitted it to myself, I don't know. Either way," Hawke said, smiling at Caitlin, "we know how we feel about each other now."
"Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that!" Dom said, flashing his familiar gap-toothed grin at String and Caitlin. "I was beginning to think that somebody was going to have to smack you upside the head to get you to admit how you felt about Caitlin!"
"You won't have to worry about that now, Dom," String said, laughing.
"That's good to hear, String!" Dom embraced String and Caitlin warmly, then the trio walked back into the hangar and got back to work.
"By the way, String, Karen said she could come out and install those upgrades tomorrow, if we wanted to."
"Sounds good," Hawke said. "Cait, you want to come with us?"
"What kind of a silly question is that, String?" Caitlin demanded. "Of course I want to come with you."
"Okay. I was just curious." Hawke smiled at her.
"String, let me tell you somethin'," Caitlin said later. "Don't you ever apologize for kissing me like you did back at Gabrielle's grave, ever again! Do you have any idea how long I've been hoping you'd kiss me like that again?"
"I think I do." Hawke smiled as he remembered the kiss on the movie set.
"Well, all I'm gonna say about it is—if you ever apologize for kissing me like that again, I swear to God I'll kick that sexy ass of yours all the way back to the cabin! Or if we're there, I'll just kick it back here, or maybe to the Lair. You hear me, String?"
"Yeah, Cait. I hear you. And don't worry. I'll never do that again."
"Good," Caitlin managed to get out before Hawke took her lips with his again.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Dom bellowed from behind them. "Get a room, you two!"
"Sorry about that, Dom," Caitlin said as they quickly separated, knowing her face had turned beet red. That's actually not a bad idea, she thought, but maybe not yet. We only just decided how we feel about each other, so maybe it's too soon for that. But I do know that I want String, and hopefully, I won't have to wait too long for him to make love to me!
"Oh, that's okay, Cait. I was just kidding around. I'm actually real happy to see you two have finally admitted how you feel about each other. And, String knows how his parents used to be, back here at the hangar. Don't worry about it."
"Yeah, Dom. I do remember you telling us stories about how Mom and Dad were, even when they were here," Hawke said, smiling. "But I promise you, we'll try not to embarrass you, too much."
"Heck, String, you two are adults, and you're in love, so why would I be embarrassed? Like I said, I'm just real happy you admitted how you feel, before we lost Cait for good!" And it's already workin', Dom thought excitedly. String's already happier than I've seen him since I-can't-remember-when. I am so glad he finally admitted how he feels about Caitlin!
"So am I, Dom. So am I." Hawke smiled as he remembered Caitlin talking about leaving, back at Gabrielle's grave.
"I'll bet neither one of you is as happy as I am!" Caitlin said, beaming.
"I don't know about that, Caitlin. I'm pretty happy myself," Hawke said, smiling at her as they went back to work.
As they shut down the hangar, Caitlin said, "String, I have to tell you something—I was so worried about what you would say if you found out where I'd gone—and then, when you stepped out from behind that tree and told me you heard everything I said, I got real worried. Forget worried, I was-I was scared."
And I know Cait—she doesn't scare easy, Hawke thought, realizing it was his history with her that had made Caitlin so nervous. "I understand, Caitlin, and I apologize for making you feel that way. I know the main reason you were scared was because of the way I've disregarded your feelings for as long as I have, but it's like I told you at the gravesite—I'm going to spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for hurting you as much as I have."
"Thanks, String. You don't know how much that means to me, to hear you say that."
"I think I do, Cait." Hawke smiled at Caitlin, and was relieved when she smiled back at him, a mind-blowing smile that once again melted his heart. "Now," he said, steering her toward one of the helicopters, "shall we go?"
"Absolutely," Caitlin replied, her eyes shining as Hawke opened the co-pilot's door and helped her climb into the helicopter.
That night, String took Caitlin to the cabin with him for dinner, and afterward, surprised her by turning on his stereo and saying, "Dance with me?"
"String, I would love to dance with you," Caitlin replied, allowing him to pull her out of her chair and lead her to the middle of the living room floor. As she felt his arms around her, Caitlin realized that she was right where she belonged, and with the person she'd always wanted to be with. She couldn't believe how well her body fit against Hawke's as they swayed to the romantic music coming from Hawke's stereo. It-it's like we're made for each other, she thought. I would love to dance with String just like this for the rest of my life. She fought a wave of hormones that rushed through her body when String kissed the side of her neck, sending a tingly shiver down her spine, even as she felt the area between her legs getting warm and wet, especially when she felt String's erection against her. Okay, so there are a few other things I'd like to do with String, and to him, not to mention things I want String to do with me, and to me, but not just yet. Soon, though. Hopefully, very soon, she thought.
"String, please tell me I'm not dreaming!"
"Why would you say that, Caitlin?"
"I-I don't know. I guess I've been wanting this to happen for so long—you and me, together, holding each other like this—that now that it's actually happened, I feel like I'm dreaming!"
"I understand, Cait," Hawke said, lifting her face so she could look into his eyes, "but it's all real. Everything that happened today, including what's happening right now. It's all real. I've finally realized, and admitted, how I feel about you, Cait. How much I love you."
"String, you've made me the happiest woman on the face of the earth!" She smiled at Hawke before he kissed her again.
"By the way, String. I owe you another apology, for sayin' you were just saying you loved me because you heard me say I was thinkin' about leaving. I-I know you better than that, String. I know you never say things like that unless you mean them, and I-I'm sorry." I just hope my big, stupid mouth hasn't screwed things up between us before they really even get started! Caitlin thought, even as she felt her eyes filling with tears.
"Caitlin, it's okay. I mean, the few times I have ever said things like that to you up until today, I've been sarcastic, or I've been teasing you, so I understand, and I forgive you. But I promise you something—I meant every word I said today at the gravesite. I hope you believe that." Hawke smiled at her, hoping she could see the honesty, love, and forgiveness in his eyes. I'll spend the rest of our lives trying to show you just how much I mean that, Caitlin, Hawke thought. Because I want us to spend our lives together.
"String, what my big, stupid mouth said back there wasn't okay, but thank you. And, I do believe what you told me today," Caitlin said, sighing with relief. God, I so don't deserve this man! She thought happily. I'm just glad he wasn't upset by what I said back there. She relaxed in his arms again, laying her head against Hawke's chest and moving closer in his arms.
"You know, String," Caitlin said later, "I don't think I've ever told you how much I love hearing you say my name. I-I wish you'd call me 'Caitlin' more often."
"If that's what you want, Caitlin, then I'm certainly happy to do that. You know I'd do anything for you, right?"
"I know that, now. And, I decided that I'm going to call you 'String' a lot more often. I mean, I know I've called you 'Hawke' ever since I met you, but now it just sounds like I'm mad at you, or something, y'know?"
"Yeah, I do know, Caitlin, and that's fine with me." String smiled at Caitlin before he kissed her again. I can get so used to this, Caitlin thought as she felt herself being swept up in the emotions of Hawke's kiss.
"Cait, there's another reason I was so hesitant about telling you how I feel," Hawke said later.
"What?"
"I-I guess I just thought you deserved better than somebody like me," Hawke admitted nervously.
"Excuse me?" Caitlin demanded, pulling back from him. "You thought what? Why would you think there was somebody out there better for me than you, Stringfellow Hawke? Don't get me wrong—I spent enough time looking, but I always seemed to find assholes like Villars, or even worse, like Sawyer. Trust me on this, Hawke," Caitlin said angrily, "there isn't anybody better for me out there than you. And even if there was, I couldn't just turn my feelings off about you—I tried for the longest time, but it was impossible, because of how much I love you. But there's this much about it, Hawke—if you ever say something like that again, I'm gonna give you a free karate demonstration, and maybe use that sexy ass of yours for target practice! You hear me?"
"Yeah, I hear you, Caitlin. And I'm sorry I said that." Ouch, he thought when he heard Caitlin say, "Trust me on this, Hawke." He especially noticed the chill in her voice when she said, 'Hawke,' and thought, I'll never do something like that again. Because next time, she might do a lot more than just change her tone of voice, like she said.
"Just don't ever put yourself down like that again, String. Promise me that."
"I promise, Caitlin, I'll never do something like that again."
"Thank you, String," Caitlin said, and Hawke was relieved to hear she had gone back to using his first name. "Even though you're putting yourself down when you say things like that, it still hurts me, because of how much I love you, and that's why I got so angry."
"I understand, Caitlin. I guess I didn't think about how much a comment like that might hurt you, and like I said before, I'm sorry. And I'll spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for that stupid comment."
There he goes again with that 'the rest of our lives,' Caitlin thought excitedly. String, you better stop that, or I'm not going to be able to control myself for much longer! Fortunately for her, at that moment, String looked at his watch and said, "Well, it's getting late. I should probably take you back to the hangar so you can go home."
"Okay, String." Caitlin smiled at him when she said it, but her heart was wishing she wasn't going to be leaving. Someday, hopefully, I won't be leaving here unless we're leaving, together, she thought as she climbed back into the helicopter so Hawke could fly her back to the hangar so she could go home.
As they were flying back, Hawke said, "You were right, Caitlin."
"About what, String?"
"About how arrogant it sounded, me thinking that Gabrielle was killed because we were lovers. Moffet probably didn't even know we were lovers in the first place. He saw Gabrielle as just another obstacle, like everybody else he murdered before we were able to stop him. I guess—I guess I just never thought of it that way. Thanks." He glanced at Caitlin in the co-pilot's chair, and was relieved when she smiled warmly, and broadly, back at him.
"You're welcome, String. I'm glad you understand why I said that. I-I was worried what you'd think about me sayin' that, you know."
"I understand, Caitlin, and it's okay." He smiled at her again as the hangar came into view.
When they arrived back at the hangar, Hawke quickly walked Caitlin to her car so she could go home.
"Good night, Caitlin. I love you," Hawke said as he opened her car door for her. "Oh, by the way—remember what you said about a good-night kiss? Well, there's nothing stopping either of us now."
"Good night, String, and I was really hopin' you'd say that!" Caitlin replied, taking her keys from him before giving him one last kiss. When she separated them, Caitlin took a few moments to catch her breath before she smiled at Hawke and said, "I love you, too." She closed her door and waited for String to step out of the way before starting her car and heading home. As she got ready for bed that night, Caitlin sighed happily as she considered everything that had happened that day. He loves me! String really loves me, the same way I love him! Caitlin felt happier than she had in a very long time as she climbed into bed, not surprised when Hawke's smiling face appeared in her thoughts as soon as she closed her eyes. I'll never forget the way it felt when I kissed String good-night, she thought happily, not to mention the kisses he gave me at the cabin earlier. And maybe, someday, we'll be kissing each other good-night before we go to bed, together, back at the cabin. But I'll make sure to give String a kiss just like that when he gets to the hangar in the morning. Unless he kisses me first, she thought with a happy sigh as she fell asleep, which I wouldn't mind in the least. But I know one thing—I know I'll never let anyone but String kiss me as long as I live! She sighed happily as she fell asleep, pondering the future.
"By the way, Dom," Hawke said after he returned to the hangar, and they headed toward the cabin, "I learned what Caitlin meant when she told you 'I care about him, too, y'know. Probably more than you know.'"
"So, tell me what I already know, String!"
"Well, if you already know, why should I tell you?" Hawke shot back, but when Dom glanced over at him, he saw the glimmer of humor in Hawke's eyes. "I'm just teasing, Dom. Caitlin told me she meant that she was in love with me, but just couldn't say it because of how scared she was."
"Yeah, I kinda figured that out, String," Dom smiled at Hawke. "I gotta tell ya, kid, I'm real happy that you've finally decided to accept how Caitlin feels about you." It's already workin', Dom thought happily. I knew String would be a lot happier if he'd just pull his head out of his behind and admit how he feels about Caitlin, and he already is! Gee, it's nice to be right, once in a while! And actually, I do remember when I last saw him this happy—the day I first met Gabrielle, back at the cabin.
"So am I, Dom." Hawke smiled at his surrogate father as they flew on toward the cabin.
When String arrived back at the cabin a little later, he paused as he watched Dom's helicopter fade into the distance, then glanced up into the heavens. Thanks, Gabrielle, he thought, smiling. For everything. Somehow, Hawke knew he wouldn't think of Gabrielle as much from now on, but when he pictured Caitlin's smiling face in his mind again, he realized he had much happier thoughts to fill his mind with. And somehow, I feel like it's going to be different with Caitlin. Like I won't lose her the way I lost all the others, if that makes any sense. He smiled as he fell asleep that night, and saw Caitlin's face in his mind again, and he realized what he was feeling at Gabrielle's grave, and why it was so hard for him to place the feeling. I'm-I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a very long time, now that I've admitted my feelings about Caitlin. And that's why I couldn't figure out what I was feeling before, because I haven't felt this truly happy in so long. Maybe admitting how I feel about Caitlin was exactly what I needed to do. Now we can start thinking about the future. About our future, he thought. Our future, together.
THE END