Dear Tyler,
Do you know how horrible it feels to have your meaning for existing ripped from you? Oh God, Tyler, I don't know what I'm going to do? The days just seem to drag on without you. You aren't there beside me when I wake up; no notes are left there, telling me not to leave. You aren't at the diner, writing to Michael; you aren't anywhere I can find you.
They couldn't find you, even though your dad put so much into it. I think everyone's still in denial about it. Your mom, just as things were starting to turn up, had her world come crashing down. Both of her sons lost when they were 22. She seems to be catatonic; you can tell that she wants – wishes – hopes that you're still out there, maybe in a coma or suffering from memory loss, but in her heart, she knows you're not.
Aiden isn't the same. He's stopped drinking, believe it or not. He's been paying more attention to school now, and he's actually making it through. He's switched majors, now he's going to be a high school English teacher. At the rate he's going, he actually will be teaching by the time Caroline's that age. You can see it in his eyes, though, he's got his head wrapped somewhere else. Maybe with you at some party. He misses you, Tyler. He doesn't say it, but it's obvious.
Your dad, man, your dad has really stepped up to the plate. He and Caroline are spending more time together, or at least he's trying to. Caroline doesn't seem to be getting the clues. She's really fucked up now Tyler. You were her world. She needed you like plants need the sun…. ok bad analogy, but you get the point. Now that you're gone, she's only blamed herself. No matter what your mom and dad try to tell her, she still thinks it's her fault that you were in that building in the first place. "It was just hair. I was the one that made such a big deal out of it. If it wasn't for me, Tyler would still be here," so she says. Tyler, I think your baby sister's forgotten how to smile.
It's raining now. It must be reflecting my mood. I can't move on. I never will be able to. You have changed my life in so many ways Tyler. You took me in sowed me that the world isn't such a dark place. You taught me how to love again. You were my air. Without you….. it's just… It's like I'm not sure of anything anymore. Damn Tyler. Why'd you have to go? Why couldn't you have gotten breakfast on the way? Why didn't you go get coffee or something? Why did you have to stay in that damn building!
The nights have been quieter. That's an amazing thing for New York. Or maybe I've just stopped paying attention to everything. September 11th will be a day no one will ever forget. I wish people would pay more attention to your… death. But over 3,000 people died that day, why would they pay attention to a single person.
Caroline's been more open to me. She's told me things that not even your mom and dad can get from her. I think it's because she understands how much you meant to me, and she's going through the same. You know, we have her to thank for bringing us together. It was because of her that I got back together with you. She's been guiding us along the entire way without anyone of us realizing it. Not even her. You know, she asked me something today. She asked me what I would say if I knew you could hear me. I said: "I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you."
I love you Tyler.
Ally