Disclaimer: All hail Joss Whedon - or else he'll send Bad Horse after us.
"Are we there yet?"
"For the last time, Blue, shut up!" Spike hissed vehemently. He glanced up in the rearview mirror to make sure the three sleeping beauties were still passed out. Gunn had his head on Faith's shoulder. Faith was leaning against Angel, who was resting his face on the window. Spike smirked to himself and turned his eyes back to the road.
"How much longer do we have to drive?" asked Illyria impatiently, a giant atlas spread across her lap.
"You're the one with the map." The blond vampire kept his voice down. The last thing he needed was for Peaches to wake up and start criticizing his driving. Besides, with everyone except Blue asleep, he could play the Ramones all he wanted. "We're going to Cleveland. Just measure it out with your fingers."
Illyria shot Spike a nasty look. God-kings did not "measure it out" with their fingers. Her brow wrinkled in concentration, Illyria used the map scale and very reluctant set of fingers to trace their route. "Fifteen minutes," she said abruptly. "You need to take the next exit."
"Next exit. Right." Spike squinted into the darkness, searching for an exit sign. "You know, for a big city, Cleveland doesn't have a very well marked highway."
His companion didn't reply. She twisted her head around to watch Angel, Faith, and Gunn. Illyria was reflecting on the idiosyncrasies of these people, drawing from Fred's memory as well as her own experiences. She hadn't thought Angel and Gunn would ever come out of their depressed, brooding silence, but then the Faith girl showed up, talked to Spike, and worked a strange kind of magic on them. Although Spike assured her it wasn't magic, just friendship and people skills (Since when has Faith had people skills? the part of her that had been Fred Burkle howled), Illyria wasn't sure she believed him. Until she heard Faith's offer.
It was, in effect, a new start. A decent salary – for once. All the food (or blood) they could eat. A large, comfortable house in one of the nicer parts of Cleveland with access to the sewer system. Classic convertibles for the vamps and a new truck for Gunn. Everything paid for by the new Watcher's Council. And all they had to do in return was help Faith and her trainees. It was a great deal.
In less than an hour, Faith and the remnants of Angel Investigations were packed into Angel's company car. They had spent two days on the road, avoiding any mention of Wesley. The three times Illyria had slipped and said his name, she was surprised by the intensity of the others' reactions. Angel and Gunn immediately turned stony-faced, and Faith's eyes got all liquidy – and then she hit something. Illyria had underestimated their attachment to the Englishman. Perhaps, she considered, remembering Angel's crumpled face when he found his friend's body, she hadn't been the only one. Sometimes the Fred part of Illyria missed Wesley so much it made her stomach hurt. But she tried not to think about that.
"Ugh. What time is it?" Faith had woken up. Bleary-eyed, she shoved Gunn off of her and straightened her shirt. "Homeboy, you drooled on me."
"Alonna, no!" Gunn jerked awake and shook himself like a wet dog. "Oh, G-d, no." He put his head in his hands.
"Hey, you okay?" Faith looked at him worriedly.
Gunn brushed her concern away. "Just bad dreams. That's all."
"Oh." Bad dreams. Faith got those, in both senses of the word. "Angel. Come on, princess. Wake up." She dug her elbow in the vampire's side. "Aaangel! Gunn drooled on my shirt. You have to do something about it."
"Children." Angel began, still half-asleep, but then he remembered another time, another pair of bickering friends, and he fell silent.
Straightening up, Gunn stretched his legs until his knees hit the back of Spike's seat.
"Oy, watch it!" growled the vampire as the car sped around a curve.
Gunn ignored him. "Faith, I don't drool. And anyway, it's on the wrong side of your shirt. It must have been Angel."
"Peaches drools?" Spike crowed with delight. In his elation, the car swerved, and they nearly went off the road.
"Your driving is much more exciting than Angel's," observed Illyria. "I think I'm going to be sick."
Angel was suddenly fully awake. "I do not drool," he insisted, scrambling to recover his dignity.
"That's not what Faithy said." Spike was enjoying this way too much.
"Oh, yeah?" Angel shot a nasty look at the Slayer, who had grabbed the last water bottle and was washing the sleep taste out of her mouth. Faith shrugged innocently, pointing to the slight stain on her shoulder. "You know what, William? Not even the trauma of having and losing a soul twice could make me forget your pestilential snoring."
"Watch it, you! I don't snore!"
"Not the way Buffy tells it," Angel snarled.
He hit a sore spot. Spike swore, and his driving became even more erratic.
"Angel, do us all a favor and shut up." Gunn was beginning to turn green. "At least until Spike stops the car."
Faith pulled her shirt over her head, revealing a red tank top underneath. "I don't know about that. I was beginning to enjoy all the male posturing." She lounged against Angel's side and threw her booted feet across Gunn's lap.
"Here we are!" Spike announced a moment later as they crested a hill and curled around a bridge. "Welcome to Cleveland!"
Frowning, Faith sat up straight. "Uh, Blondie, hate to break it to you, love, but this isn't Cleveland."
"Yes, it is," Illyria contended. She was a god. No one could say she didn't know how to navigate. "This is Cleveland. Cleveland, Oklahoma."
"WHAT?" Angel and Gunn shouted simultaneously.
"I thought it looked kinda small," Spike muttered to himself, then in a slightly louder tone. "Blue, we wanted to go to Cleveland, Ohio, not Cleveland, Oklahoma."
"Ohhh. No one informed me of that."
"We thought it was obvious." Faith leaned forward into the front seat and peered at the small town lit by streetlights. "Look! A McDonalds! Excellent. I'm starving. Pull over, Spike?"
The vampire made a ninety-degree turn across two lanes of traffic, jumped a curb, and double-parked the car in front of Mickey D's. "Everybody out!" he said grandly, removing the keys from the ignition. "Dinner's on Angel."
Illyria opened the rear door, and the three back-seaters tumbled out.
"Ouch. Get off me!" Gunn growled.
Cursing, Angel picked himself up off the ground. He glared at Spike, then helped Faith to her feet. "You okay?"
"Well, my ego's bruised at being in the middle of a vampire/vampire-hunter dog pile, but somehow I'll survive." The Slayer reached back in the car and pulled out a beat-up leather jacket. "You need this?"
Angel shrugged. "Take it."
"I will." Faith slid the jacket over her bare arms. "How you holding up, Gunn?"
Wincing, the tall man got up gingerly. "I'll be fine after Angel buys me a few hamburgers."
The five swept into McDonald's, looking dark and grim and mysterious. They were all wearing black. The McDonald's employees glanced at each other nervously.
"Two Angus burgers, a large orders of fries, and a large Coke." Gunn hoped this would fill his stomach.
Eyebrows raised at such extravagance, Illyria stepped up to the counter. She ordered a chicken sandwich and a water.
"My turn." Faith's stomach had started grumbling loudly "A double cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake."
"I want an Angus burger, rare," Spike said with creepy emphasis and an even creepier smile.
"I'll have the same as Peroxide Boy." Angel sighed inwardly.
"That'll be $32.56." The cashier watched anxiously as the vampire dug his wallet out. Silently, he handed her two twenty-dollar bills. "Thank you." She hesitantly passed him his change. "Have a nice evening."
Without so much as a nod of acknowledgement, Angel took their overladen tray of fast food and carried it over to the booth where the others were. Illyria had sandwiched herself between Gunn and Spike, leaving the Slayer alone. Faith grinned as Angel approached. She snatched her shake off the tray. Within seconds, everyone else had claimed their food as well. Angel had to take his burger back from a smug Spike. Gunn and Faith went overboard with the ketchup; they had at least seven little containers between the two of them.
"Faith," Angel groaned after knocking over a ketchup for the third time, "do you really need this much ketchup?"
"Just pretend it's blood. Hey, Illyria, try this." Faith dipped a french fry in her shake and offered it to the other girl.
"What? Oh. Ohhh, yes. This is good." Illyria set her sandwich down and savored the taste. "It shouldn't work, but it does. How strange."
"Come on, boys, any takers?" Faith held out her shake. "You've got to try this! Salty, salty fries and frozen chocolatey goodness. You haven't lived till you've tried it. Trust me."
The vampires exchanged a look heavy with irony.
"Right, pet. Since you're so bent on it, I guess it can't hurt." Spike stole one of Gunn's fries and scooped some shake up with it. "Weird," he decided. "Weird but good."
"Gunn?"
"I'll try some." After his first bite, Gunn grabbed another fry and went back for seconds.
"Hey! Mine." Faith moved the shake out of his reach. "That just leaves you, Angel. C'mon, now. Don't disappoint me."
"We can't have Faith's white knight fallin' off his charger. Come on, Peaches. Do it."
"Someday, Spike, I am going to kill you. "All right." Angel took a fry and immersed it in the shake. He tentatively put it in his mouth. "Not bad for something that isn't blood."
"See?" Faith grinned triumphantly. "Knew you'd like it."
Just then, the doors banged open, and a herd of tweens invaded the restaurant. Loud, hyper, and dressed in bright colors, they crowded the counter, talking at the top of their lungs about the "best movie of the year." The words "Twilight," "Edward," "Bella," and "Jacob were particularly prevalent. Girls glancing over at the friends' table burst into uncontrollable giggles. As they got their food, the tweens spread out throughout the restaurant, continually drawing nearer and nearer to the five strangers.
"Angel, they're getting closer," Gunn said tightly.
Swallowing hard, Angel barked out a single command. "Run!"
The others didn't need to be told twice. Faith, Gunn, and Illyria leapt over the side of the booth and made for the door. Majestic and menacing, Angel and Spike swept through the McDonalds. Panicked tweens scrambled to get out of their way.
"That was fun," Spike commented once they were all safely back at the car. "Did you see the looks on their faces?"
"Dude, you really need to get a new hobby." Gunn was disgusted.
The vampires looked at each other and smirked. One some things, they were in absolute agreement.
"We left all the food behind," mourned Illyria. "I wasn't full yet."
"I'm with Blue." Faith went over to stand by Illyria.
Angel frowned. "What did you have in mind?"
Faith smiled. Five minutes later, the top down on the convertible, they were driving down the street to a neon sign bearing the legend "Sonic." Angel was behind the wheel, and Spike had claimed shotgun. They pulled into America's Drive-In. Acting very much a queen bee, Faith ordered the guys out of the car. She sent them to go order at the little metal tables in front of the drive-in.
"Have you been here before?" asked Illyria, nonplussed.
"Sonic's the same, no matter where you go. Don't worry, Blue. They make great shakes and fries here."
"Oh, good."
Faith sat on the top of the backseat and took in her surroundings. The drive-in was filling up with SUVs, pickups, and shiny new cars. Teenagers spilled out of their vehicles and flocked to their friends' cars. From snatches of overheard conversation, Faith realized they must have just come form winning a football game. High schoolers. They always filled her with bitterness, regret, and a twisted sense of longing. Best not to think about it.
The Slayer let out the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. She watched thick, stocky boys flirt with tiny, preppy girls, trying not to remember her own high school experiences. It wasn't hard. High school was mostly a blur to Faith. A fuzzy, frustrating, painful blur.
"Hey, chica. 'Sup?"
Startled, Faith spun around on the seat back to see the two cockiest high school boys standing by the car. One was tall, broad-shouldered, and blond. His shorter companion had wavy dark hair. Both boys were grinning up at her, certain of their conquest.
"I'm Chad." The blond one was all teeth. "And this is Ryan." He pointed to his darker friend.
"Faith." Faith allowed herself a small smile. This could be interesting.
By the time the guys returned, Faith was fully engaged in flirting mode. She had the high school boys wrapped around her little finger. Wide-eyed, Illyria kept shooting her surreptitious glances from the front seat. Gunn and the vampires, their arms full of fries and shakes, paused to take it all in.
Dark eyes flashing, the Slayer tossed her head and laughed at one of Ryan's jokes. She paid close attention to their every word, leaning forward just enough so that they could see down her shirt. The teenagers lost more and more of their composure with every passing second. Faith looked up to see her friends and winked; she was totally in her element.
"We're back," Gunn announced unnecessarily. He set the gigantic bag of french fries down on the front seat. Spike followed with an armload of shakes. Illyria took one gleefully and attacked it with fries.
"Angel!" Faith jumped out of the car. She ran to the vampire, threw her arms around him, and kissed him full on the mouth. "I missed you, baby."
While Angel tried unsuccessfully to remove the limpet-like Slayer, the two football players slunk away, their metaphorical tails between their legs. Angel finally peeled Faith off and pushed her away. She grabbed one of the shakes from the car and slurped it down enthusiastically, watching the boys retreat with great amusement.
"Faith, you are too much." Angel stuck a straw in his own milkshake and sipped moodily.
"I know." Faith grinned wolfishly. "Can I drive?"
Thirty minutes later, after driving around the town twice and a heated discussion about "dragging main", Gunn pulled into a white-fenced cemetery. The gang quickly got out of the car.
"Split up to patrol," Angel ordered. "I'll take this lane, Spike and Illyria the far side, Gunn and Faith in the middle. Meet at the back wall. Got it?"
Nodding their assent, the others moved off along their designated routes. Angel strode silently through the cemetery, his muscles tensed, ready for a fight. All he found, however, were the creepy lights some people put on headstones, two frightened armadillos, and a fluffy stray cat. When he reached the others, they, too, had had no better luck. Spike and Illyria only just avoided a complimentary perfume bath from the resident skunk. Faith and Gunn had even less to contribute; they'd startled a pair of kissing lovebirds, but nothing else. No vamps, no zombies, and no crypts. Spike was particularly mournful about the last one. Although the cemetery was much larger than the ones in Sunnydale, it was disappointingly quiet and deserted.
"So now what?" Gunn asked Angel.
"There's some sort of funerary chapel down that way." Illyria gestured with her thumb back the way she had come. "We could stay there for the night."
"And fry when morning comes? No offense, Blue, but did you somehow fail to notice its lack of walls?"
"Easy, Spike." The older vampire also looked discomfited at the thought of frying. "We won't stay there."
"Yeah, this is a crispy critter-free road trip."
Angel ignored Faith. "I saw a motel earlier when we were driving around. We could all fit in one room . . . What?" he added as everyone else glared at him.
"Cheapskate," spat Spike. "How do you think that'll work exactly? You tell 'em that you and Blue are our parents? Yeah, I can see that workin' real well."
Gunn snorted. "Just look at the family resemblance."
Faith laughed. "Better idea. Spike and Angel can be gay together, and we'll be their adopted kids. They're by far the oldest, anyway."
The vampires glanced at each other in mutual horror, then turned stares of pure evil on the Slayer.
"Regardless, someone's bound to ask awkward questions." Illyria tilted the remnants of her shake into her upturned mouth. "We might as well leave town and find a nice abandoned factory or gas station when the dawn comes."
"Good plan, Blue. I'm impressed. Peaches?"
"Let's get out of here. This town is depressing."
The five made their way back to the car, weaving a twisted path through blackened tombstones. Once there, Angel made some executive decisions. Illyria and Spike lost their navigating privileges and were banished to the backseat while Gunn was promoted to shotgun and given the atlas.
The dark vampire jumped behind the wheel and coaxed the car into a quiet purr. Gunn's terse directions quickly took them out of town and onto the interstate without further mishap. In the backseat, Faith and Illyria both decided to use Spike as a pillow. They curled up next to him, each claiming an arm. Sinking deeper and deeper into a chocolate milkshake-induced stupor, they were soon fast asleep. As a general rule, Spike was the last to turn pretty girls away, but he was rather squished and beginning to wish he had.
"Angel." Spike's voice was softer and much more serious than usual.
"What is it, Spike?"
"Will you switch me places?"
Fin.
A/N: If anyone is wondering, yes, there really is a Cleveland, Oklahoma. Review and make AiH very happy? Please?