"Jade!" Said three voices to a short girl who was sitting in the shade of a tree. Jadine Stone or as she's called by Jade looked up from her Potions essay to see her friends.
Maybella Smith, Ravenclaw fifth year, a shy girl who never really opened up to anyone. Her mother raised her without the father and no one knows who it is. Her mom to say it in the lest offense way was a rude bitch. Said rude things to everyone, and border line abused Maybella, or as she called Maylena Isabella. Apparently it was more classy then Maybella. She to Jade had the prettiest dark brown hair, so dark it looked black to most, coupled with striking brown eyes.
Araya Brown, another Ravenclaw same year as Maybella. While he is a thinker, hes more of the jokester of the group. To Jade he should have been like her, a Gryffindor. He like Maybella grew up without a father but it doesn't slow him down a bit. He's just waiting till his twenty-first birthday when his mom told him she'd tell him who his father was. He had a huge crush on Maybella, but under oath of death made Jade promise to not tell anyone. He had wavy black hair and grey-blue eyes.
Tiffany Lillie, also another fifth year Racenclaw, rounded out the trio. Shes the strength of the Ravenclaw trio. She helps others and makes sure no one is hurt, shes just there, giving a listening ear and a helping hand. She had to live with her Gran most of the summer since her parents where off doing whatever it was that they did. She had black hair that was always up in a braided bun, and near black eyes.
The Ravenclaw trio to Jadine was her best friends. None of the Gryffindor's really paid attention to her. The pathic girl with a flare for Potions and Defense. The girl whose parents disappeared two years ago, just after the birth of her littlest sister. "Yes?" She asked them as they sat around her.
"You know how you hate Snape and wish for him to just go to the mental ward with Lockhart?" Tiffany asked. Jadine nodded "Yeah? And?"
"Well we got a solution, a list of 101 things to annoy him." Maybella said to her. "Oh really and pray tell let me see this list then."
"Are you sure?" Araya said digging through his bag. "Oh god just give it to me." Araya handed her the parchment on which the list was written. It was rather long at first glance. Then she took a good look at it.
Ways to annoy SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE.
1) I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."
2) If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
3) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
- Then try to give them to Professor Snape as a gift.
4) I will stop asking Professor Snape when we will learn to make "Love Potion #9".
5) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
- Nor will I claim to be so and try to sit next to Professor Snape at the Head Table.
6) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled Fire whiskey.
- Changing the label changes nothing.
- Offering some to Professor Snape while drunk is also a NO!
7) It is inappropriate to slip Selson Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.
- The same goes for Head & Shoulders.
8) There is not now, nor has their ever been a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that House, nor am I it's founder.
9) I am NOT allowed out of my dorms when visitors from the Ministry are here.
- Especially when running up to Professor Snape and calling him 'Daddy'!
10) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms on my Professors.
- Especially when their in the middle of a rant.
- That goes double for Professor Snape.
11) I will not go to class sky clad.
- Especially Double Potions.
- Then ignore Professor Snape when he tells me to get some clothes on.
12) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer then fifteen seconds, I'm to assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
- That goes double if I think about doing it on Professor Snape.
13) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
- Especially if I only sign them on my Potions work.
14) "Draco Malfoy takes it up the Ass!" is not an acceptable Quittage Chant.
- Not even if it is effective.
- Nor is "Snape takes it up the Ass!"
- Because the Goal is to stop Draco not make everyone who hears faint/puke.
15) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Slytherin Day."
- Even if Dumbledore allows it.
- Nor am I to hug every Slytherin I see that day.
- Especially Snape.
16) I am not Xena Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
- Especially if I only do it when I run in the Potions Classroom.
17) When asked a question by a Professor I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.
- Even if it really is.
- This goes double for Professor Snape.
18) Crucifixes do not ward of Slytherin's.
- I should not test this.
- I will not do this and yell at them "Begone Satan!"
- Nor will I yell "Begone Satan! Hello Shamu!"
19) I do not know the Killing Curse, and pretending I do so in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much the injure themselves diving for cover.
- Nor should I do this in Double Potions with Slytherin's and Gryffindor's.
20) I will not tell the Professors that they cannot assign Homework, as we do not actually go home during the School year to do it.
- Especially during the middle of one of Professor Snape's many rants.
21) My Professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear what I did with six boxes of sugar quills.
- Especially if it was perverted.
- Or perverted sounding.
- Especially if the professor is Snape.
22) Robes are not optional.
- That goes Double when I'm only wearing a micro-bikini underneath.
- That goes Triple when I wear Robes all day but dispose of it before Potions.
- That goes Quadruple when its Double Potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor.
23) I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyal by calling them by each others names.
- Then giggle insanely when Professor Snape calls their names out and each other answers for the other.
24) The proper way to report to my Professor is "Yes, Sir!" not "You cant prove a thing!"
- Especially when they can.
- Especially when its Professor Snape.
25) I am not being repressed.
- I should not scream so while trying to commit suicide by dunking my head in my cauldron.
26) In front of any male Professor go into a rant about how your on your period, and its a Grade-A pain in the ass.
- Then ask if he has any Midol.
- Especially when the Professor is Professor Snape
- Then when he says no, I'm not allowed to say "But I was sure you would have some I mean its not like your a male."
27) I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricate.
- Then wink at him.
28) I will not follow Potion instructions in reverse order "Just to see what happens."
29) It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself to seriously.
30) I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the "Voice of God."
- Then claim they will be damned if they anger him, even once.
- Nor will I claim I am his servant and if they anger me, they anger him.
- Especially not in front of Professor Snape.
31) It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Professor Snape takes point from Gryffindor.
- Nor is it necessary to yell out "PWNED!"
32) I will not spike my best friends pumpkin juice and tell her to go hit on Professor Snape.
- Nor will I dare her to spike my own, and have her tell me to hit on Professor Snape.
33) I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing point of water. I will not ask Professor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I point out that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.
34) I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs during Potions class.
- Even if I brought enough for everyone.
- Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last one is unacceptable behavior.
- Even if I catch him stealing one from the pile after he gives me a detention.
35) Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums."
36) Neither does he respond well to "Sev" "Sevy-Poo" or "Sex God from the Above".
37) I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's site ever again.
- Nor bananas.
38) I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Remus Lupin.
- Nor from me.
39) Professor Snape is not my personal Jesus.
- I may not tell other people that.
- Nor may I tell him that.
40) Professor Snape's Problem is not that he needs to get "laid."
- I shall not try to rectify that "Problem."
41) Professor Snape's proper name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.
- I may not call him that.
- Not even if I add Professor before it.
42) I will not send Professor Snape love notes and signing them "With Love, Draco Malfoy." as it is not appropriate.
- Even if Draco gets a detention for it.
- Neither is signing them "I had a great time last night. Argus Filch."
- Even if Professor Snape avoids him like the plague afterwards.
43) Breaking into Song during Potions is not acceptable.
- Especially if the song is "I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"
- Or "I'm to sexy."
-Or I'm bring sexy back."
- Then winking at Professor Snape.
44) I will not commit suicide.
- Especially in the Middle of the night, on the astronomy Tower, when I know Professor Snape is the only one patrolling.
- That goes double when he knows it as well.
45) When Professor Snape confronts me I will not yell out "Hey! Sevy has a girlfriend!" for anyone in the corridor to hear.
46) I will not tell Professor Snape to go to his "Happy Place."
- I will not insist that his "Happy Place." is with me.
- Nor in me.
47) Professor Snape has no interest in going down to "The Paradise City, where the grass is green, and the girls are pretty." And I should stop sending invitations to aforementioned place.
- I will not allude to the fact the place is on me.
- Nor within me.
48) At random moments in Potions class yell "Snape, Draco said Lucius wants his pink thong back!"
- Especially not in Double Potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor.
- This goes double for when Draco is in the room.
49) Telling first years that Professor Snape first name is Satan is a no.
- Especially when he can hear me.
50) Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.
- So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.
51) I will never douse Professor Snape in water just to see if he will melt.
52) Dropping a bucket of water on Professor Snape's head was only funny the 1st time... and the 2nd... and the 3rd. But the 4th time! NO WAY!
53) I will not yell out "Bat!" every time Professor Snape whooshes down the Hallways.
54) I will not call Professor Snape Alan and say hes a sexy beast.
55) The next time Professor Snape is being mean ask him if hes on his period.
56) The next time Professor Snape is acting pissy, stand really close to him and shout "Professor Snape, STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!".
- Proceed to Cry.
- Then sob and say "This isn't how I wanted you to love me!"
57) Ask Professor Snape if he knows the "Song that never ends."
- Proceed to sing it.
- While drunk.
- In the middle of class.
- During a test.
- When Professor Snape tells you to stop singing, reply by saying that you casted a charm on yourself and you wont be able to stop singing.
- Unless he kisses you that is.
- And it has to be a real kiss.
58) Give Professor Snape a box of chocolates filled with an orgasm-inducing potion.
- Cry if he refuses till he accepts.
- Cry until he eats one.
59) Pretend to not pay attention in Potions.
- When Professor Snape notices this and tells you to repeat what he just said, reply with, "Dime mi amor. Mi Todo." Which means 'Tell my my love, my everything.
- Pray he doesn't speak Spanish.
60) Whenever he calls you a know-it-all, tell him you know you want him.
61) Lick your lips whenever he looks at you.
- Make sure its seductively.
62) Tell him you want to have his children.
- Hand him a list of baby names.
- Make sure most are girl names.
- And embarrassing.
63) Smile seductively in his direction.
64) Play "Jaws" music when he walks toward you.
- Or the Golden Trio.
- Or Neville Longbottom.
65) When he calls on you, ask "So Professor Snape Boxers or Briefs?"
66) When he whispers meanly to you, put on a horrified expression and scream "YOU PEDO!" and flee the classroom.
67) Accidentally let him catch you pass a note to your friend on how cute he is.
68) Pass a note to Harry Potter just as Professor Snape is walking by, and wait for him to turn beat red when he starts to read it out loud.
- Make sure the note is inappropriate, so his face is really beat red.
- Make sure it blatantly obvious the note is about you and him.
69) Scream at him "MAKE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD STOP!" and start arguing with yourself.
- About him.
- In Double Potions with Slytherin's and Gryffindor.
70) Slip him a note saying "Do you like me?"
- Then wink.
- Wave and smile like an idiot when he reads it.
- Cry when he says no.
71) Cry during his class for no reason.
72) When he gives you a detention jump up and down like a little kid and yelling "Yay, yay, yay!"
73) Whenever he talks shout something random.
- Make sure its perverted.
74) Refer to him as 'Cuddles'.
- Try to cuddle with him due to his nickname.
- Cry when he pushes you away.
75) Offer to "bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses."
- Then say when he refuses "But you promised!"
76) Shiver with some undisclosed emotion when Professor Snape calls on you in class.
77) Should Professor Snape sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say "I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation."
- Like wise Greet him for the 1st time each day with the warning "You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation you."
78) Ask for Professor Snape's Autograph.
- Cry until you get one.
- Sniff it deeply when you get it.
- Fold it over your heart and swoon in front of him.
79) Ponder aloud on the color of his underwear.
- Or your own.
80) I will not throw Professor Snape down on the floor and try to have my way with him.
81) I must not call Potions "Home-Economics." in front of Professor Snape.
- Nor "Home-Ec."
82) I will not ask Professor Snape who dumped him and made him so cranky.
83) I can not call Professor Snape "The Sheriff on Nottingham."
84) A hug is not all Snape needs.
- I must not try to prove this.
- Especially by following him around all day and hugging him whenever he lest expects it or at random.
85) Touch his hair seductively.
86) Similarly I am not allowed to run my hands through Professor Snape's hair.
87) Walk into the Great Hall and confess you undying love for Professor Snape to everyone in attendance.
- And then wink at him.
89) Propose to him in front of the entire school.
- When he asks you why your doing this say "I thought you loved me!" Then run from the room.
90) I will not try to sneak into Professor Snape's shower.
91) I will not try to get Professor Snape interested in a love-life by telling him about S&M and Bondage. Hes evil enough without a love-life.
- Even though I would love to get tied up by him.
- Or Spanked.
- I should not tell him this.
92) Give him a sweet kiss to the cheek.
93) When he tells you off, and gets right in your face, ask "Are you coming onto me?"
- Then lean forward and kiss him.
- Run like hell.
94) Snog him then run.
95) In front of the staff tell him you cant live without him any longer.
- Then ask for Dumbledore's best wishes.
- Let Dumbledore in on the joke
96) Tell him your child cant live without its father.
97) Run after Professor Snape when he runs away from you in a busy hallway screaming "But you know the baby's yours Sev-Love! Don't you want to be a part of your child's life! I love you Sevy-Poo!"
98) Let him run off then say to everyone in the busy hallway your going to have his baby but he wants an abortion.
- Make sure he can hear you.
99) Hide under you desk in Potions. Pretend your sure he cant see you. Even if he bends to look straight in your eye.
- After a few seconds tackle him.
- Snog him senseless on the floor.
- In double Potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor's.
- Run like hell!
100) Go to his rooms, sneak in.
- Climb into his bed while hes sleeping.
- Straddle him as he sleeps on his back.
-Stare down into his face until he wakes up.
- Just as hes about to start yelling at you, smother him with kisses.
- Full on Snog Kisses.
And the final thing to never do to annoy SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE is...
101) Fall in love with him.
Jadine sighed. "I'm not kissing him, nor will I ever fall in love with that greasy haired git." "That's why we started out easy." Tiffany said.
"You probably wont even have to if the others before all that work!" Maybella assured her. Araya nodded.
Jadine glared at him. Then she sighed and stuffed the parchment in her pocket. "When do I get started?" She asked them.
"Tomorrow." They answered.
For the rest of the day she joked around with her friends, but Jadine Stone never backed out of a challenge. And if this got Snape off her hands, she'd do anything to get rid of him.