American History, according to the United States of America (Fuck Yeah!)

Beginnings to 1784

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"There I was, working the land and making some good tobacco and cotton, just going about my business and being a nice little colony for Iggy. I swear that's all I was doing, just minding my damn business, trying to live life like god intended (for a while) and then I was all "eh this shit is kinda boring, time to make some dinero" and I was making my way up, you know? That's all I was doing. I drank his tea and shit to keep him complacent, just doing as I was told.

But then like, Arty was being a bitch. He was all, "You like tea!? Then you will like the taxes I impose on it even more hahahahaha!" Not cool. I mean, I was just a kid then, little poor me walking around, pint sized pip-squeak, working in the mills and shit trying to pay off this stupid tax.

Limey was being an overall ass on top of it too. I was paying these taxes off the ying yang and everything, and when I want a say in how things get done back home, he's all "No. Duh. You ain't part of the government here." Something like that. Mean as fuck, man, I tell ya'. I mean, we all thought we were British subjects, ya know? Like we have some representation. But I guess we didn't. I guess me and Iggy weren't as cool and tight as I thought. I got real mad. I'd been listening to this little inconsiderate prick long enough.

So I dumped his tea in the ocean. It wasn't that great anyways. Tasted like shit.

I went into his pantry, he keeps his tea there, at the top shelf. Took it into my hands, and ran out of the house. I just ran my ass off, ran until I got to the coast line, and slammed dunked that shit right into the deep blue sea. It was glorious.

Iggy was pissed! Oh man, ya'll should've been there. His face was all red, ahahahaha, it was awesome. I thought he'd bust a nut out of sheer anger at that moment. Oh man, priceless.

Anyways, he punched me in the face. Bastard punched me! Right into my beautiful face. I was pissed now too. I mean, really, I should've been grounded for that shit, you know? Not punched in the face. He kicked my ass for a bit – I didn't respond out of sheer shock, don't judge me! – and then bitch rolled on outta there. After I gathered my bearings and made sure my pristine nose was not broken I wrote a couple of letters to some bros of mine, some homies that have always been down. After I got that sent out, I moved on outta there. I ain't associating with the Empire anymore. This bird now flies solo.

Set up my own home. Nice and small, I thought, and had a meeting with the crew. All my friends were there and even George "Daddy-o" Washington made it in! Guy's a fine piece of work, I tell ya. Then there was Thomas and Adams (can't call him John, 'cause then Jay is all, "what?") always fucking around and arguing with one another. But I can tell man, I can tell they're like BFFs. Franklin came in with some hot chicks, so the party was on! Of course, though, party ain't complete until Madison comes around, dude is tight. Then Hamilton came. He's a bit of a wet blanket, but there when ya need him.

So after we boozed up a bit and shoot the shit and what have you, we got to talking about Iggy. We all agree that he wasn't cool anymore, it was time to teach him a lesson in humility. We planned some shit out and realized that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, therefore we mailed "Frog legs" Francis to join us. Francis' got it hot for making Iggy suffer, even more than me. This is the kinda dude you want on your side.

So Francis came over and he was, as expected, all for our plans and was even gonna give us more money and guns to go through with it. That was cool.

So anyways, we all signed this paper that said why Iggy sucked balls, and kinda ended it with a "Fuck you, you ain't my dad!" kinda spiel, and then mailed that shit. That done, Antonio came over and was all "También luchare! " so he was in too. He brought with him the "Dutch" Netherlands and all was cool. Like, Iggy has a lot of enemies. I felt a little bad.

Eh.

I guess there was much ado about nothing, but what's done is done.

All I can really remember after that was a bunch of fighting by everyone, some real cool heroics, Revere screaming his ass off in the middle of the night, Iggy being an ass, Francis trying to get into my pants, Antonio trying to get into my pants, a lot of me looking cool in my uniform and getting all the ladies, and then like we won whatever this shit was about.

So Iggy left my home, and I was kinda sad, I'd have to admit. He was a jerk, but he's my jerk, ya know? Well anyways, it wasn't like I wasn't ever going to see him again. True to his jerk nature, he was back a couple of years later. But that's another story.

All right kids, you got that shit down? That was chapter one through three. I guess I'll tell ya what I did after that for tomorrow. It's pretty cool, I gotta say."

The class just looked at him wide-eyed.

"All right then, read these three chapters we went over, quiz tomorrow! And then we shall continue, I swear I gotta tell you guys about this one paper that, like, I have tattooed on my back, it's called the Constitution and it is a work of genius."

The bell rang and the kids left class.

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I hope this was funny or something. No one take offense, obviously I'm making lite of a great moment in US history. I just had a history teacher in high school that was a lot like this and I thought "Damn, that would be perfect to write about."

Please review? If I get a lot, well... then soon Romance and Passion and War and Angst will abound!

REVIEW! Thank you!