All characters and
events in this fanfic -
even those based on real
people - are entirely fictional.
All proceeding elements are
imitated from the original
material...poorly. The
following epic contains
coarse language and due to
its content it should not be
read by anyone.
South Parkstuck
A young man stands in the boys' bathroom at South Park Elementary. It just so happens that today, the 19th of October, 2017, is this young man's birthday. Though it was four hypo-seasons ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
Four Crossoveron hypo-seasons, for convenient reference, is equivalent to thirteen Earth years.
Earth, also for convenient reference, is a planet that no longer exists. For everyone's information, this young man standing in the boys' bathroom at South Park Elementary is part of the hybrid species resulting from the humans and trolls who created his universe.
So, what is this young man's name?
Give me a hint.
Stan Marsh.
It's Stan Marsh.
Who?
Your name is Stan. As previously mentioned, it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of URINAL CAKES are scattered about the boys' bathroom. You do not think you should eat those. You also have a habit of PINCHING THE BRIDGE OF YOUR NOSE when frustrated.
Stan: Stop that, this is your intro card.
You stop pinching the bridge of your nose and continue your introduction. You have a knack for SEEING THROUGH BULLSHIT but this sometimes leads you to RIDICULE and MAKE ENEMIES. You have an aptitude for SONG WRITING and PLAYING THE GUITAR. You are quite the athlete but you WOULD RATHER PLAY VIDEO GAMES. You also have a tendency to GET INTO TROUBLE.
What will you do?
Stan: Pick up a URINAL CAKE.
You make a face of disgust and vehemently shake your head. You will not.
Stan: Do it.
You glance at the nearest URINAL CAKE. You realize that this is stupid. You refuse.
Stan: What's that?
You notice a colourful FLYER sticking out of the trash can. You recognize it as the notice for the PTA MEETING currently taking place in the SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
Stan: Pick it up.
You decide this is a better alternative to the URINAL CAKES. You retrieve the FLYER from the trash. You already knew all about it, so this FLYER means nothing to you.
You CAPTCHALOGUE the FLYER in your SYLLADEX. You usually just call your SYLLADEX by what it really is. You stow the FLYER in your pocket.
Stan: Examine MIRROR.
You catch your own brown eyes in the mirror. You try not to notice the redness about them that always gives you a look of exhaustion. You also try to ignore the fact that you are most often exhausted for no good reason. Instead, you notice your LEAN ATHLETICISM. Your short black hair is always flat against your head under your blue hat topped with a red puffball. This is partly why you rarely take off your HAT.
Stan: Examine EMPTY STALLS.
You peek into the nearest stall of the boys' bathroom. You discover a nasty sight. You are hit by the smell. You jump back with an exclamation of "Sick!" and hold your nose.
You begin to question why you are still in the bathroom.
It appears you are not alone in this. Your CELL PHONE buzzes in your pocket.
Stan: Check what else is in your SYLLADEX.
You would rather answer your friend, but you concede instead to empty your pockets.
Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is dictated by the ultra practical TAKE-WHAT-YOU-NEED STRUCTURE in true pocket fashion. There are SIX [6] CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your possession, TWO [2] attached to your BROWN BOMBER JACKET and FOUR [4] attached to your WORN-OUT JEANS. You have TWO [2] empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS out of your SYLLADEX.
You pull out ONE [1] CELL PHONE and ONE [1] FLYER from the pockets of your BROWN BOMBER JACKET. You wear this jacket over a WHITE TEE. This is your favourite jacket. You find ONE [1] CRUMPLED WAD OF DOLLAR BILLS and ONE [1] HIDDEN FLASK in the back pockets of your WORN-OUT JEANS. You wonder if you even have any other jeans. You also begin to question why you are now holding all of these objects in your hands while standing in the boys' bathroom.
Your CELL PHONE buzzes again.
Stan: Answer it.
Finally.
You RECAPTCHALOGUE your other items and tap open the home screen of your CELL PHONE. You sift through the apps. You continue to sift. You admit your CELL PHONE is just a little cluttered with various FREEMIUM games but you try not to get distracted. You locate your PESTERCHUM PLUS app. You notice a notification has popped up in the corner of the app.
Stan: Open PESTERCHUM PLUS.
Your Pesterchum Plus handle is redRocket. It's an inside joke.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] 2 minutes ago -
TB: I Thought You Said You Were Only Going To The Bathroom?
TB: Stan?
RR: i am
RR: i did
RR: im on my way back
TB: Hurry Up, Dude, The Other Team's Pro Stratting.
RR: just keep them busy a little longer
TB: They're Already Installing It On Their Laptops.
RR: shit dont start without me!
TB: Dude, It's Your Birthday.
RR: oh yeah
TB: Just Get Back Here So We Can Start Playing.
RR: coming
You are quite abruptly torn from the casual narrative flow of Stan Marsh's bathroom adventure. Instead, you find yourself in a different room entirely.
A young man in a greenish lime ushanka hat sits at one of the numerous computers in South Park Elementary's computer lab. There are others nearby, most notably a heavier boy flying into a petty rage elsewhere in the room. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Who is the young man in the greenish lime ushanka hat?
Enter name.
Your name is Kyle Broflovski.
You tend to have EXTREMELY STRONG BELIEFS and when forced to confront them, you can get PRETTY UPSET. You are a bit of a MORAL CENTER for your friends and you LOOK FOR LESSONS at the end of the day. Your IMPRESSIVE COMPUTER SKILLS far exceed the other kids in your class. You are also adept at WRITING and POETRY or generally USING LANGUAGE TO YOUR BENEFIT.
Your Pesterchum Plus handle is thoseBastards and you Speak With A Clear And Rational Voice.
What will you do?
Kyle: Deal with the FATASS.
Rather than face the storm ramping up behind you, you pull up Pesterchum Plus on your LAPTOP and open a conversation with chilliconCarnival. Better to pester him online than face-to-face, you think. Even if he is only two feet away from you.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering chilliconCarnival [CC] just now -
TB: What Are You Whining About Now, Fatass?
CC: OF ALL THE TIMES FOR STAN TO SUCCUMB TO HIS GODDAMN SPHINCTER
CC: IT HAD TO BE THE MOMENT
CC: THE MOMENT!
CC: WE WERE SUPPOSED TO START PLAYING!
TB: Oh, Come On.
TB: He's Been Gone Five Minutes.
CC: FIVE MINUTES WAS ALL THEY NEEDED
CC: DONT YOU SEE, KYYLE
CC: STAN FUCKED US BACKWARDS AND DIDNT EVEN PAY FOR THE MEAL
TB: What?
CC: THEY BROUGHT IN JIMMY
TB: So?
TB: Let's Just Ask Butters.
TB: The Teams Have To Stay Even.
CC: BUTTERS?! JESUS FUCK
CC: OH OH I GET IT
CC: THIS IS YOUR JEW SCHEME TO THROW THE GAME
TB: Don't Even Start! Don't Even START, Cartman!
CC: WHATS IN IT FOR YOU KYEL?
TB: Oh Shut Up, Fatass!
TB: Do You Want To Play The Game Or Not?
CC: WELL OBVIOUSLY
TB: Then Go Get Butters!
CC: FINE!
CC: ALL IM SAYING IS STANS AS LOOSE A CANNON AS HIS BUTTHOLE
CC: HE CAN SPEND OUR ENTIRE RECESS ON THE SHITTER BUT WE HAVE TO START PLAYING AT SOME POINT
CC: WITH OR WITHOUT HIM
TB: We're Not Starting Until Stan Gets Back, Cartman!
CC: OOH IM KIYLE AND ID PUT THE WHOLE WORLD ON HOLD FOR MY BOYFRIEND STAAAN
CC: COME ON KYLE
CC: JUST BECAUSE YOURE HOMO FOR HIM DOESNT MEAN WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER
TB: Goddamnit, Cartman!
CC: OH LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODYS GETTING A LITTLE CONCUPISCENT
TB: AHH!
Stan: Leave the boys' bathroom.
You must have fallen into a slight daze because you are still, inexplicably, standing in the boys' bathroom, but you shake it off and reach for the door handle. At that exact moment, your cell phone buzzes for a third time. You heave a sigh and pull it back out. It buzzes again and again in your hand. Someone's on a roll. It just won't stop.
Stan: Open the message!
In frustration, you mutter "Okay! Okay!" and open the Pesterchum Plus app once again. Another one of your chums is pestering you. It's chilliconCarnival.
You consider ignoring him, but the buzzing, it keeps happening.
Open Pesterlog
- chilliconCarnival [CC] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
CC: DUDE!
CC: THEY HAVE 5 PLAYERS NOW
CC: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
CC: I HAD TO ASK BUTTERS TO PLAY ON OUR SIDE
CC: HES A GODDAMNED BUTTHOLE AND HE WONT LAST TEN MINUTES
CC: YOU AND YOUR ASSHOLE ARE GONNA BE THE DOWNFALL OF THIS TEAM IF YOU DONT GET OUT HERE NOW
CC: YOU WANT FUCKING SCOTT MALKINSON ON OUR TEAM?
CC: CAUSE WERE GONNA HAVE TO STOOP IF THEY PULL OUT KEVIN FUCKING STOLEY
CC: I AM SO SERIOUSLY STAN
CC: YOU CAN TAKE ALL THE SHITS YOU WANT WHEN YOURE DEAD
RR: i know i know!
RR: im coming!
CC: WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP OR WERE PLAYING WITHOUT YOU
You once again find yourself pulled away from the exploits of a boy trapped in the bathroom. You are back in the computer lab.
A young man wearing a red jacket and a blue hat with a yellow puffball on top is sulking at his desk between all the other players who have yet to start playing. He gives a great huff of impatience and looks around to see if anyone noticed. Nope. Or they're all ignoring him. The latter is the likelier.
So, who is it this time?
Enter Name.
Your name is Eric Cartman, but most people call you Cartman.
You are widely recognized as the MOST OFFENSIVE kid in South Park, but you know you are the REAL VICTIM. You find solace and pleasure in OTHERS' MISFORTUNE, which is often dealt out by you. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and can be MULTILINGUISTIC when it suits your needs. You are the MOST SUCCESSFUL of your friends at ACCOMPLISHING ZANY AND DISTURBING PLOTS. Your SKILLS OF MANIPULATION and EXPLOITATION are unmatched by any other. You also have a knack for ACQUIRING WEAPONS even if you do not excel in their use.
Your Pesterchum Plus handle is chilliconCarnival and you SPAM YOUR CHUMS WITH LINES OF ORNERY VULGAR AND MOSTLY UNPUNCTUATED YELLSPEECH
What will you do?
Cartman: Do things your way.
You swear quietly to yourself, griping over your team of lazy hippies. They think this is just any normal game. Well you know better. And you're going to do something about it.
You pull up Pesterchum Plus on your laptop, interlock your pudgy fingers and stretch your arms until your knuckles pop.
Time to get to work.
Cartman: Break the enemy.
Open Pesterlog
- chilliconCarnival [CC] began pestering underpantsGnomes [UG] just now -
CC: YOU KNOW EVERYONE THINKS YOURE A TOTAL PUSSY RIGHT
CC: THE OTHER GUYS
CC: THEY DONT EVEN WANT YOU ON THEIR TEAM
CC: EVERYONE IS ACTUALLY LAUGHING AT YOU AND CALLING YOU A PUSSY BEHIND YOUR BACK
CC: YOU DO REALIZE THIS
CC: DONT YOU?
UG: aH,, OH GOD,,
UG: tHEY ARE ?
CC: YEAH DUDE
CC: I WAS LIKE HEY
CC: THATS NOT COOL GUYS
CC: BUT THEY JUST KEPT SAYING HOW MUCH OF A PUSSY YOU ARE
CC: AND THAT THEY HATE YOU
UG: wH,
UG: wHY WOULD THEY SAY THAT ?!
CC: I DONT KNOW BUT CLYDE WAS TALKING ABOUT KICKING YOU FROM THE GAME
CC: THATS WHY THEY GOT JIMMY
UG: aHH,,
UG: tHEYRE REPLACING ME ?!
UG: wHY, aH,, DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME ?!
CC: I DONT KNOW
CC: PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ALL HATE YOU
UG: aAGHHARGIULSERG;U/AEQH;OAUEK.,
UG: ERGHJK,
UG: NMCS
UG: BGFVD
You sit back triumphantly and watch from across the room as Tweek repeatedly slams his face against his keyboard. You almost laugh. You consider that Tweek might break his laptop. That idea fades when Craig turns to Tweek and slides Tweek's laptop out of the way. Tweek's face hits the desk instead. Craig has to hold him back.
Unable to help it, you let out a tiny chuckle as you turn back to your laptop.
The Pesterchum Plus icon is flashing.
Cartman: Check it out.
Open Pesterlog
- spacemanCraig [SC] started pestering chilliconCarnival [CC] just now -
SC: stop it.
CC: WHY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT CRAIG
SC: i blocked you on tweeks account. stop messing with my team.
CC: YOU CANT BLOCK ME ASSHOLE
CC: THATS CHEATING
SC: how is that cheating.
CC: WELL UM
CC: IF I CANT CONTACT YOUR TEAM HOW WILL WE BE ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT ANYTHING?
CC: LIKE RULES OR WHOS WINNING
CC: COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO GAMING CRAIG
SC: then ill unblock you when the game starts.
CC: LAME
Cartman: Answer DT.
Another chum is pestering you. When you see who it is, however, your face drops into a jaded expression and you feel yourself weighed down with the burden of answering her.
Open Pesterlog
- deadonTwitter [DT] began pestering chilliconCarnival [CC] just now -
DT: Hey babe, what's up
CC: oh hey baby whats goin on
DT: I was just thinking we could have lunch together, are you doing anything?
CC: nothing just hanging out with the guys
CC: actually its stans birthday
CC: we got this game for him so i should probably stay
DT: That sounds like fun, what game?
CC: you wouldnt like it
DT: I like most games, maybe we could all play together?
CC: okay….
CC: let me just check with the guys
DT: Okay!
Cartman: Check with the guys.
You sit at your desk, twiddling your thumbs.
Cartman: Give DT an answer.
Open Pesterlog
- chilliconCarnival [CC] began pestering deadonTwitter [DT] just now -
CC: ooh sorry babe
CC: those assholes wont let you play with us
CC: i tried to convince them but theyre all a bunch of chauvinistic pigs
CC: especially kyyle
DT: Aww it sounded like it would've been fun
CC: yeah its gonna be a great time
DT: Well, are we still on for after school?
CC: yep ill be there
DT: Okay babe, love you!
Cartman: Delude yourself.
As you sit at your desk, quietly contemplating the game ahead, you notice Kyle's laptop ding with a message. The first thought in your head is Heidi. But you assure yourself she wouldn't go behind your back. Unless you weren't convincing enough. And if you weren't…
You bolt upright.
That sneaky jew! He would totally let her play if she asked! He's always trying to undermine you!
Cartman: Take PREVENTATIVE MEASURES.
Open Pesterlog
chilliconCarnival [CC] opened public transtimeline bulletin board SCREW YOU GUYS.
CC opened memo on board SCREW YOU GUYS.
CC: OKAY ASSHOLES
CC: 5 AGAINST 5 SOUNDS LIKE ENOUGH DOESNT IT?
CC: WE CANT HAVE ANY MORE PLAYERS
CC: THATS A RULE NOW
CC: SO RESPECT MY AUTHORITA AND WE CAN START PLAYING
thoseBastards [TB] responded to memo.
TB: Why?
TB: The Game Doesn't Limit Number of Players.
CC: THATS WHY ITS A FUCKING BROKEN GAME KYYLE
CC: ITLL GET TOO CONFUSING
CC: SO THAT MEANS NO MORE ADDITIONS TO TEAMS
supermanCraig [SC] responded to memo.
SC: why do you get to decide.
underpantsGnomes [UG] responded to memo.
UG: aH,, YEAH, wHY SHOULD WE LISTEN TO YOU ?!
CC: GET OFF THIS MEMO TWEEK
CC: YOU BLOCKED ME REMEMBER
CC banned UG from responding to memo.
loolooLoo [LL] responded to memo.
LL: well but
LL: im still playin, right fellas?
CC: YES BUTTERS
CC: THERE ARE NO MORE CHANGES STARTING NOW
LL: C-:
CC: goddamnit butters
CC banned LL from responding to memo.
tylerperryFan [TF] responded to memo.
TF: s0 d0es this mean we can play n0w
fishSticks [FS] responded to memo.
FS: yyea its about t
FS: time
CC: IM SORRY JIMMY I COULDNT READ YOU OVER THE YELLOW OF YOUR TEXT
CC: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE IT TO SOMETHING LEGIBLE?
CC banned FS from responding to memo.
justgreenSauce [JS] responded to memo.
JS: so ar we palying or not?
JS: playng*
JS: godamit playing**
CC banned JS from responding to memo.
CC: GOD I HOPE SO
CC: STAN WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW
redRocket [RR] responded to memo.
RR: well ive been too busy reading this memo
CC: YOU CANT READ AND WALK AT THE SAME TIME?
CC: STAN IF YOU DONT GET OFF YOUR ASS I SWEAR TO GOD
CC banned RR from responding to memo.
deadAgain [DR] responded to memo.
DR: 8====D
CC: SHUT UP KEENY
CC: NO MORE PLAYERS AND THATS FINAL
TB: Fine.
SC: whatever.
TF: 0kay I guess
CC: YES GOOD
CC closed memo.
Stan: Get off your ass.
You are about to do so and leave the bathroom when your cell phone vibrates AGAIN. You sling it out of your pocket with an exclamation of "What now?"
Open Pesterlog
- pinkBeret [PB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
PB: Happy birthday, Stan!
RR: thanks
PB: Where are you? Do you wanna have lunch together?
RR: im kinda busy
PB: With what?
RR: this new game the guys got me for my birthday
RR: its called Spurb and its supposed to be really fun
RR: but theyre kinda waiting for me
PB: Oh…
PB: I thought it would be nice to see you on your birthday…
PB Maybe I could play too?
RR: i dont think so
RR: Cartman set a rule against any more players
PB: I see.
RR: sorry
Once again, you are torn from the boy in the bathroom, but this time you're in an ALL NEW ROOM.
A young lady stands in South Park Elementary's ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM. It is full of girls, but most important is the girl in the light purple pea jacket and pink beret. This young lady has her CELL PHONE in her hand and she looks disappointed. As she should be. The young man she has been messaging is giving her the cold shoulder, and that young man is her boyfriend.
But first, who is this young lady?
Enter name.
Your name is Wendy Testaburger.
As was previously mentioned, you are in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP with Stan Marsh, although this does not define you. You have a variety of INTERESTS. Like the other girls around you, you value BUREAUCRACY and LIST-MAKING. You are MATURE and EMPATHETIC, making you a remarkable VOICE OF REASON. You also have a passion for MORAL AND POLITICAL ACTIVISM and you are willing to fight for your BELIEFS.
Your Pesterchum Plus handle is pinkBeret and you Speak in a way that is especially expressive!
What will you do?
Wendy: Talk to the other girls.
You are about to join back into the group adjacent to you, but you notice something is off in the corner of the room. Heidi Turner is sitting alone at the furthest desk with her head down on her crossed forearms and her cell phone out on the desk. Beside you, Bebe notices you looking. She comments, "Poor girl. Did you see Cartman call her a whore and push her into traffic yesterday? I don't know why she's still with him."
You take out your cell phone.
Open Pesterlog
- pinkBeret [PB] began pestering deadonTwitter [DT] just now -
PB: Hey Heidi!
DT: Oh
DT: Hey
PB: I don't mean to pry but…
PB: Is something wrong?
DT: No
PB: Are you sure, because…
DT: I know what you're going to say but really, I'm fine!
DT: I'm just
DT: Tired
PB: Okay…
PB: You know you can talk to me, right?
DT: Mhm.
PB: And that means I can talk to you, too, right?
DT: Yeah, of course
DT: What's wrong?
PB: Well Stan's been sort of distant lately..
DT: Oh no
PB: It's his thirteenth birthday and he won't even see me!
DT: But he's playing that game, isn't he?
PB: I get that he's been looking forward to this and Cartman has his rule against anymore players but he didn't even offer to see me after!
DT: Oh
DT: Stan said Eric made the rule?
PB: Yeah, and since when does he do everything Cartman says?
PB: Do you think it's just an excuse?
DT: You know what…
DT: Yeah
DT: I think it is.
PB: Wait..
PB: Really?
DT: Yeah!
DT: And I think we need to do something about it!
PB: Oh!
PB: Um…
PB: Like what?
DT: We need to beat them at their own game
PB: I like the sound of that!
PB: We'll make our own team!
Wendy: Open memo.
Open Pesterlog
pinkBeret [PB] opened public transtimeline bulletin board Team If It Sparkles It Sunshines.
PB opened memo on board Team if it sparkles it sunshines.
PB: Fellow girls, I have opened this memo for perhaps the most important cause we may ever tackle! The defeat of the boys, and more specifically, Eric Cartman! They have in their possession one of the highest reviewed games of the year. With this memo, I hope to persuade all of you to join Heidi and I in destroying the boys at their own game. But first, we need to get a copy of Spurb. Who's with us?
mosquitoBites [MB] responded to memo.
MB: we're in, girl
MB: nichole, red and i will sneak into the computer lab to steal one of the boys' game betas
MB: but we'll need cover
MB: a distraction while we all copy the game onto our laptops
MB: that way we'll get the boys' copy back to them before they ever notice it was gone
deadonTwitter [DT] responded to memo.
DT: I'm on it
Stan: Stop doing nothing.
You haven't been doing nothing. You've been thinking about Wendy this whole time. You feel shitty for turning her down on your birthday. Speaking of shitty, you are truly flabbergasted that you have not left the boys' bathroom.
Stan: Then do it.
You will! And you do.
You exit out into the HALLWAY and it is like a breath of fresh air. You were in there so long you forgot what the outside world smelled like.
Out in the hall you see AT LEAST FIFTY [~50] LOCKERS lining the walls. In an elementary school, a hallway without abundant lockers is like a frat house without a PC agenda. That is to say, IT CAN HARDLY BE CALLED A FRAT HOUSE AT ALL.
And there at the end of the hallway are the double doors to the SCHOOL CAFETERIA.
Stan: Go to the CAFETERIA.
You highly doubt that would be a good idea. In fact, you mean to avoid the CAFETERIA at all costs. You don't want to be caught in there while His Imperious Political Correctness is giving his prelude to the PTA meeting. That man has the eyes of a hawkbeast and the ears of a barkfiend. Him being the school principal is bad enough, you do not want to get on his bad side.
Stan: Go to YOUR LOCKER.
You know you should be getting to the COMPUTER LAB as soon as possible, but you find yourself drawn to YOUR LOCKER. It is positioned dangerously near to the CAFETERIA DOORS and in the exact opposite direction of the COMPUTER LAB but you sneak toward it anyhow.
The accursed voice of His Imperious Political Correctness echoes from beyond the CAFETERIA DOORS, amplified by the MIC he is sure to drop by the end of his speech.
This mission is going to be more dangerous than you imagined.
Stan: Examine CORKBOARD.
In your easy distraction, you find your interest ensnared on the CORKBOARD nailed to the wall a few lockers down from YOUR LOCKER. A number of BULLETINS of varying importance or intrigue are posted on the CORKBOARD.
On the CORKBOARD are TWO [2] YAOI ARTWORKS SUPPORTING YOUR LOCAL ARTISTS, ONE [1] NEWSLETTER FROM THE SUPER SCHOOL NEWSPAPER, ONE [1] LISTING FOR THE GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL TRYOUTS, and ONE [1] YELP REVIEW FOR THE NEW SPURB GAME
You captchalogue the YELP REVIEW to an available card, leaving only one free pocket on your person.
Stan: Examine OTHER LOCKERS.
Leading up to your own, the other lockers are graffitied, some heavily and others not so much. There is a heart around a "C+T" written in sharpie on the furthest of the lockers, nearest to the corkboard. On the adjacent locker is the word "Fatass" written in spray paint and on the locker next to it, someone has scribbled "JEW" across its width. Your school really needs to work on its bullying problem. On the one directly next to YOUR LOCKER, a cartoon drawing of one of your chums with a halo over his head and angel wings marks the face of his locker.
At long last, you arrive at YOUR LOCKER. But you are still not exactly sure why you came all this way to begin with. As previously mentioned, the COMPUTER LAB is in the opposite direction.
Stan: Just open it.
Your locker is just so full. You struggle to catch all the notepaper and other miscellaneous items that come tumbling out the moment it is opened. You immediately regret not just going to the COMPUTER LAB.
Stan: Examine contents of locker.
Most conspicuous among the mess that is your locker is the BOTTLE OF WHISKEY you have attempted to keep hidden behind all this clutter. But, since the paper came tumbling out, there it is. You attempt to shield the bottle from view in case any of the teachers or parents exit the cafeteria. You can't imagine the trouble you would be in should any adult – specifically your parents who are currently attending the PTA meeting in the cafeteria – stumble upon your secret stash.
Thinking twice on your feeble attempts to shield the bottle from the view of the windowed double doors behind you, you captchalogue the BOTTLE OF WHISKEY. Like this, your final pocket is bought out.
Stan: Combine bottle of whiskey with flask.
You suppose now would be a good enough time to refill your flask.
You combine the BOTTLE OF WHISKEY with the HIDDEN FLASK. Most of the whiskey fills the flask, but it's a mess. You probably want to get out of here before someone sees you standing in this puddle of alcohol.
Combining the bottle and the flask has freed up a pocket.
Stan: Check what else is in your locker.
Acting fast if only to placate this sudden curiosity to see your own things, you pull out everything in your locker. The heap of loose-leaf papers spills out over the puddle of whiskey. They're drenched, totally ruined, but they do seem to absorb some of the mess.
Among the other items to come toppling out of your locker are ONE [1] BASEBALL BAT, THIRTEEN [13] BIRTHDAY CARDS, a PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND from when you were first going out, and a few MOULDY ITEMS you would rather not mention. You don't clean out your locker very often.
Stan: Pick up the picture.
God, you were so young. You look sick in this picture. Well, you did vomit a second after it was taken. You had been holding her hand, that was what did it. You miss those days. Boy, you're getting old.
You captchalogue the picture. This once again fills up your last captchalogue card.
Stan: Pick up the BASEBALL BAT.
You captchalogue the BASEBALL BAT and your CELL PHONE goes flying out of your SYLLADEX. You cannot hold more than one item in each card unless they can be combined.
Stan: Pick up CELL PHONE.
You captchalogue your CELL PHONE, having apparently learned nothing, and the BASEBALL BAT launches out. The BAT bangs into the lockers and they reverberate with the noise. You can't help but notice the sudden silence in the cafeteria.
Uh-oh.
Stan: Get the BAT!
You put your foot down this time. You are no idiot. You're just about to get out of there when your phone buzzes.
Quickly, you answer.
Open Pesterlog
- spacemanCraig [SC] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
SC: are you stalling just to get one up on us. if this is some trick its getting ridiculous.
RR: im having trouble with my dumb sylladex
SC: whats your modus.
RR: pocket
SC: thats dumb. the pocket fetch modus shoots out any random item when its overcrowded.
RR: i know!
SC: just tell me you at least allocated your strife specibus.
RR: my what?
SC: i knew it. do that. itll free up a card and youll be able to attack stuff. and then get over here. all this delay is stressing tweek out.
RR: okay thanks dude
SC: hurry up.
Whoa. You're back in the computer lab, pulled away from the adventures of Stan Marsh yet again.
A young man wearing a blue chullo hat with a yellow puffball on top, a blue hoodie, and black skinny jeans sits at his desk with his laptop open on a loading screen, but his eyes are on the vibrating, blond teen sitting next to him.
Who is this young man?
Enter name.
Your name is Craig Tucker.
God damn do you love GUINEA PIGS.
You and your BOYFRIEND co-parent the GUINEA PIG currently napping in the pocket of your hoodie. You enjoy nuzzling the little guy and calming him down when he gets all shaky. Are you talking about Stripe the GUINEA PIG or Tweek your BOYFRIEND?
You almost exclusively wear a NEUTRAL EXPRESSION. You are one of the more CYNICAL kids in your class. In your youth, you had a more AGGRESSIVE RESPONSE to others which made you a FIGHTER, but you have become DEADPAN and STOIC since. Because of this, you are very DIFFICULT TO MANIPULATE. You are IN CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS, but the extremely rare HEATED ARGUMENT with your BOYFRIEND can sometimes make you lose control. Even so, you are always getting into TROUBLE and can most often be found in DETENTION.
Your Pesterchum Plus handle is spacemanCraig and you speak with a monotonous and emotionless voice.
What will you do?
Craig: Soothe the VIBRATING TEEN.
You glance sideways at Tweek next to you. He quivers and twitches, making stressed noises every now and then. He has a cup of coffee clutched in his hands like it's a lifeline.
You've been together for three years now, but unlike Stan and Wendy, or Cartman and Heidi, your relationship is different. Special. Together, you and Tweek fill all four QUADRANTS. Yours is the kind of relationship most people only hear about in fairy tales or fanfiction. The people of South Park idolize it. They idolize you, their little "homosexual" boys. But no one realizes it's NON-SEXUAL. Even with His Imperious Political Correctness' lessons on AFFIRMATIVE CONSENT, you've never actually gone any further than hand-holding. After all, it began as a FARCE. He wasn't even your MOIRAIL back then. Now he's your EVERYTHING, but you're NOT GAY. At least, you don't think you are. It all gets a little CONFUSING under circumstances like yours.
Open Pesterlog
- spacemanCraig [SC] began pestering underpantsGnomes [UG] just now -
SC: hey honey.
UG: aH,, HII, CRAIG,
UG: aRE WE STARTING NOW ?!
SC: no. still waiting.
UG: aGHH,,, bUT I, AH,, I FEEL,
UG: liIKE I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHIING,
UG: iM JUST SITTING HERE,
UG: tHE OTHER TEAM IS,
UG: pLOTTING SOMETHING !
UG: aND, WERE JUST,, SITTING HERE !
UG: iVE NEVER EVEN, GAH,, pLAYED THIS GAME,, bEFORE !?
UG: iM JUST GOING TO,, bRING THE WHOLE,, tEAM, DOWN,
UG: oH GOD,
UG: wE,, wONT STAND, A CHANCE,
UG: aHH,, wERE ALL,, gONNA DIE,
SC: tweek. calm down. itll all work out.
UG: h,,
UG: hOW DO YOU KNOW ?!
SC: because we have a secret weapon.
UG: wE DO ?!
UG: oH GOD,, nO ONE TOLD ME,
UG: wHY DOESNT ANYONE EVER TELL ME THINGS ?!
SC: its you tweek.
UG: wHAT,,, mE ?!
UG: tHASTS WAY TOIO MUCH PRESSDURE !
SC: no one on the other team has your imagination. all the creative ways you think we might lose. thats our secret weapon against them. the scenarios you think up fortify us as a team. thats why we need you tweek.
UG: aH,, REALLY ?
UG: yOU,, nEED ME ?!
SC: of course. thats why youre on my team. i wouldnt have added you if i didnt believe in you. and i do tweek. theres so much more to you than you realize.
UG: oH, GAHH,, oKAY !
UG: tHANKS CRAIG,
Craig: Something's happening.
A knock on the computer lab door catches everyone's attention. Cartman opens it, and there stands Heidi Turner. She enters the room as Cartman drops into his usual jaded composure at the sight of her. You always have a hard time placing their relationship. Is it a red or black romance?
Craig: Watch.
Everyone in the room has eyes on Cartman and Heidi. In fact, their awkward exchange has captivated the attention of all the boys in the room, leaving the laptop nearest the door totally open to, say, a couple of scheming girls if any such thieves were to take advantage of the room's absolute distraction. But you wouldn't notice this if any such activity were to take place. Your attention is captured. The cringe is tangible.
Open Pesterlog
spacemanCraig [SC] opened memo on board SCREW YOU GUYS.
SC: i thought cartman said no more players. is she on your team.
thoseBastards [TB] responded to memo.
TB: He Never Said Anything To Us.
underpantsGnomes [UG] responded to memo.
UG: i KNEW IT,,
UG: i KNEW YOU HAD SOMETHING PLANNED,
TB: I Swear We Didn't Know!
redRocket [RR] responded to memo.
RR: wait whos on our team?
RR: i thought we had a rule
RR: whats going on?
tylerperryFan [TF] responded to memo.
TF: that's what we're all w0ndering
TF: cartman
chilliconCarnival [CC] responded to memo.
CC: EY DONT START CALLING ME A CHEATER JUST CAUSE I HAVE A PSYCHO BITCH FOR A GIRLFRIEND
CC: THAT WHORE WANTS TO PUT ME ON A VEGAN DIET LIKE SHES SOME KIND OF FEEDER
CC: BUT THE RULE STILL STANDS
CC: AND STAN
CC: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK
CC: IS THIS A JOKE
RR: right
RR: sorry
RR: im running
Stan: Allocate BASEBALL BAT to STRIFE SPECIBUS.
Your chums sure are impatient.
You captchalogue the baseball bat one final time, flinging the PTA meeting flyer from your pocket. But who really cares about the flyer? Not you.
You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS and find exactly what you are looking for. Just like that, your STRIFE SPECIBUS is ALLOCATED with the BATKIND ABSTRATUS.
The BAT has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.
Stan: Now, after all this time, go to the COMPUTER LAB.
And you better make it quick, because you swear you can hear His Imperious Political Correctness' unmistakable stride swaggering up to the cafeteria doors. He is soon to be upon you, but you dash down the hall and make a break for the COMPUTER LAB in record time.
You burst through the doors and find all your chums waiting around at the rows of desks in the COMPUTER LAB. Loading screens are pulled up on each of their LAPTOPS, including your own. The SPURB CLIENT windows are each awaiting connections with SPURB HOSTS. All but two: the primary SPURB HOSTS of the two teams which are awaiting connections with their respective SPURB CLIENTS. You sure have no idea what is really going on here and you admit you are a little confused by this whole thing, but everyone else in the COMPUTER LAB seems to know what they're doing.
Speaking of EVERYONE ELSE, who are all these kids so overwhelmingly gathered in the same room? There are just so many.
Stan: Introduction time.
Well, gathered around in the computer lab are all of your chums. There's Kyle and Cartman sitting directly across from each other, which forces their eye contact whenever they look up. Craig and Tweek, sitting side by side as usual. Kenny and Butters, seated next to each other as Kenny's muffled voice attempts to explain the game you are all about to start playing. And Jimmy, Token and Clyde, who are anticipating the game next to their team leader, Craig. Yep. Everyone's here.
Now, after all this time, you sit at your laptop. You are finally ready to play.
The loading screen on your laptop reads:
SPURB version 0.0.1
SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
SPURB client is running.
A SPURB host user is attempting to connect with you.
Client has established connection with host.
Press [ENTER] when ready.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: Finally, Dude. Things Were Getting Tense.
RR: yea
RR: but uh
RR: i dont really know what im doing on this screen
RR: what am i looking at?
TB: We Set You Up Running The Client Application.
TB: I'm Running the Server. I'm The Host User.
TB: For You Anyway.
TB: I Already Established Our Connection.
RR: okay..
TB: Just Press Enter.
Stan: Press [ENTER]
You do this, and the Spurb logo fills your screen, beneath which is a blue loading bar.
You see Craig press [ENTER] across from you. This begins his team's admittance to the game session with Clyde as his HOST USER.
Kyle: Mouseover interface buttons.
In mousing over the interface buttons, you accidentally select the COMPUTER LAB DOOR. You are entirely unacquainted with these controls. In your panic, you drop the door on the OPPOSITE WALL. Just like that, the room's only exit now leads out to the SCHOOLYARD rather than the HALLWAY.
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: whoa dude
RR: what are you doing?
TB: Sorry, That Wasn't What I Was Going For.
RR: were gonna ruin the school
TB: Yeah.
TB: But Do You Think I Can Move Cartman's Seat While He's Still On It?
TB: Oh My God.
TB: You Think I Can Move Cartman?
RR: hes probably too heavy
Kyle: Select the FATASS.
You drag the cursor over Cartman, failing to hold back your laughter.
You cannot select a FUTURE PLAYER!
Cartman abjures the meddlesome cursor. He leaps from his seat with an exclamation of "Ey!"
Kyle: Revise room.
You expand the computer lab next to the door's new positioning. This new section of the building spills out onto the schoolyard. Doing this depletes some of your Build Grist. Whatever that means.
Kyle: Open Phernalia Registry.
You click through the interface menu, mousing over three strange devices labelled Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe and Alchemiter. You aren't entirely sure what these are for, but they look important. And they're free to build.
Kyle: Deploy Totem Lathe.
You are just about to do so when the other host user, Clyde, places his own TOTEM LATHE in the addition to the computer lab that you built!
The nerve of that guy!
Clyde points and gives a derisive laugh at you over the top of his laptop. Spitefully, you deploy your client's TOTEM LATHE exactly behind Craig, Tweek, Token, Jimmy and Clyde. They'll have a hard time shuffling out of their seats now.
Cartman delights with a "Ha!"
Craig flips both of you off.
Stan: Examine Totem Lathe.
You have no idea what this thing is supposed to do. You mess around with one of the many wheely devices on this sci fi gizmo, but it does nothing.
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: whats this for?
TB: No Idea.
TB: All I Can Do Is Drop Stuff And Renovate.
RR: yeah can i do that?
TB: I Don't Think You Can As The Client.
TB: Oh Yeah.
TB: We Also Installed The Server Application On Your Laptop.
TB: You Have To Run Both To Get The Whole Team On Board.
RR: and youre my client?
TB: No, You Have Cartman.
RR: aw awww
RR: why me?
TB: He Wanted To Go Before Kenny. That Makes Him Kenny's Host.
TB: And Kenny Has Butters, And Butters Will Host Me.
RR: sounds complicated
RR: glad i missed that argument
TB: Seriously.
Kyle: Deploy Cruxtruder.
You mass select the unoccupied desks in the computer lab and place them in a heap in the school yard, out of the way. Having cleared up some space, you are able to place the Cruxtruder in the corner of the room.
Kyle: Deploy Alchemiter.
Clyde quickly takes up the last of the room's free space with his own Cruxtruder and Alchemiter, so you place yours out in the schoolyard with the desks. At least the door's new placement provides easy access.
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: dude why didnt you just expand the room a little more
TB: I Don't Want To Waste Your Build Grist.
RR: whats build grist
TB: Important, I think.
RR: oh okay just dont get pc principal on our asses
RR: i already interrupted his meeting
RR: and left a mess in the hall
TB: Why?
RR: you guys were rushing me
TB: Hey, I Can See It.
RR: what
TB: I Can See The Whole School If I Zoom Out.
TB: The Girls Are All On Their Laptops In The Arts And Crafts Room.
TB: Oh My God, I Can See In The Girls' Bathroom!
RR: sick dude thats messed up
RR: you can see everything?
TB: Everything.
TB: His Imperious Political Correctness Isn't In The Cafeteria.
RR: uh oh
TB: He's Looking At Your Locker.
TB: Dude, What Did You Drop Your Notes In?
RR: uh water or something
TB: It's Brown.
RR: hey uh what are all these machines for anyway?
TB: The Stuff I Put Down?
TB: I Think They're Meant To Help You Set Up Your Game.
TB: They're Free To Place, So They Must Have Some Integral Role To Play.
RR: im gonna go check that out
Stan: Investigate the Cruxtruder.
You stand in front of your Cruxtruder. When you turn the wheel on the device, something seems to be pushing up from under the lid. If you put some elbow grease into it, you might be able to make the lid come off!
Right as you're about to try, there's a loud BANG somewhere else in the school.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: Whoops.
RR: what was that?
TB: I Was Trying To Stop PC Principal On His Way Here.
TB: I Might Have Accidentally Put A Urinal Where The Door Used To Be.
RR: why though
TB: I Forgot I Moved The Door And Was Trying To Block The Door.
TB: Hold On, I Can Fix This.
Kyle: Fix this.
You select the hall urinal you placed outside the computer lab, but you end up taking a large slab of the wall along with it. Who needs doors anyway when a large hole in the wall accomplishes the same task?
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: Oh Shit.
TB: I Made It Worse.
RR: i can see that
RR: oh hey you think you can drop that urinal on this thing
TB: Sure.
The urinal drops onto the lid of the Cruxtruder. A brown-ish radiance emanates from the machine as it jostles and whirrs, and a white light bursts from it. The lid pops off. A glowing brown sphere floats out of the Cruxtruder to Stan's side, and a countdown of 10:13 comes to life on a panel screen on the machine.
Stan: Gloat.
You and your teammates give the opposing team a series of jeers and boasts for opening your Cruxtruder first. The other team saw how you did it. They copy your tactic and drop a desk on their own. A cerulean sphere floats out to Craig. He triumphantly flips you off. The other team's Cruxtruder reads the same countdown as yours, ticking in tandem.
Stan: Turn wheel again.
You extrude ONE [1] CRUXITE DROWEL.
You are again filled with confusion. You have no idea what any of this is for.
Stan: Observe.
The countdown sure isn't doing the other team any good. You notice Tweek's mental breakdown across the room. Craig ignores Clyde's demands to get back to the game and instead tends to Tweek's minor panic attack. Your team has the momentary advantage.
Stan: Get cruxite.
You pick up the cylindrical crystal of some sort. The CRUXITE DROWEL takes up your final free card.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: Hey, The Game Has A Pre-Punched Card For You.
TB: I Think I Know Where It's Supposed To Go.
TB: Here, Take It First.
Kyle: Deploy Pre-punched Card.
You select a Pre-punched Card with the image of a from the Phernalia Registry of the interface and deploy it at Stan's feet. You watch through the screen of your laptop as he picks it up. Something goes flying off his person when he does this. You guess his sylladex was full.
Open Pesterlog
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: Okay Now Slot It Into The Totem Lathe.
TB: Stan?
TB: Please Tell Me That Wasn't Your Phone That Went Flying.
TB: Oh Goddamnit.
Stan: Pick up cell phone.
First, you discard the yelp review that you needlessly picked up earlier. This frees up a pocket. You pick your cell phone up off the floor. As you do this, you notice a long crack spanning the length of the screen. You attempt to open the Pesterchum Plus App but it is situated exactly along the length of the crack. Your phone screen does not recognise your touch along the line. You cannot access the app.
Great.
The erratically glowing brown sphere follows you every step of the way.
Stan: Use laptop.
You figure while you're here, you might as well check out your connection with Cartman as his host user. You pull up the tab. You can see the whole room and everyone in it through the screen.
Creepy.
You tuck that tab away and open Pesterchum Plus. The glowing sphere continues to follow you, chirping like some kind of dial-up internet.
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: i cracked my phone
TB: I Saw.
TB: Does It Still Work?
RR: not really
RR: ill figure it out
RR: but uh this thing keeps following me around
RR: the glowy spherey thing
RR: it seems like its trying to tell me something
TB: Yeah, Cartman Was Just Saying Something About A "Kernelsprite".
TB: That's Apparently What The Glowy Spherey Thing Is.
TB: He's Been Reading The Longest Game Manual In The History Of Game Manuals While He Waits, And He Says You Need To Prototype It.
TB: Twice.
RR: meaning..
TB: Throw Stuff Into It, I Guess.
Stan: Throw stuff into Kernelsprite.
You are not quite sure what to throw in, but you sift through your pockets and come up with your flask. You move quickly to hide this secret vice before your friends can catch sight of it. In your hurry, you lose your grip and the flask flies into the nearest object. The nearest object happens to be the Kernelsprite.
When the flask makes contact, the Kernelsprite explodes with another burst of light that fills the entire room.
The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the FLASK OF WHISKEY.
Stan: What's that sound?
As panic fills your chest, you cannot help but notice a distinctly familiar voice emanate from just outside the relocated computer lab door. The voice calls, "Stan? Stan?"
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: oh shit thats my dad
TB: Our Parents Must Be Trying To Get In.
TB: Luckily, It'll Take Them A Little Longer Since Kenny Locked The Door.
Stan: He's onto you.
The door shakes under your dad's pounding fists. "Stan! Are you in there? Can you hear me?" A small commotion sounds outside and another voice takes Randy's place as the doorknob violently shakes and jiggles. "Butters? You open this door right now or you are grounded, Mister!"
Open Pesterlog
loolooLoo [LL] opened memo on board SCREW YOU GUYS.
LL: oh gee, fellas
LL: thats my dad
LL: D-:
LL: we're gonna be in big trouble if we stay in here
chilliconCarnival [CC] responded to memo.
CC: WELL BE IN EVEN BIGGER TROUBLE IF WE LEAVE
CC: COME ON YOU GUYS THERE ARE COUNTERS TICKING DOWN
CC: WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT
CC: STAN YOURE GONNA HAVE TO START ACTING LIKE MY HOST RIGHT NOW
redRocket [RR] responded to memo.
RR: i kinda have a lot going on over here
CC: THAT DOESNT MATTER I NEED TO GET STARTED
spacemanCraig [SC] responded to memo.
SC: i dont know why youre discussing your teams strategy in front of everyone but okay. i guess were going into phase two now too.
underpantsGnomes [UG] responded to memo.
UG: oH GOD,, iM NOT READY !
SC: yes you are tweek. take things one step at a time.
UG: aHH,, oKAY !?
CC: GODDAMNIT BUTTERS WHY DIDNT YOU OPEN THIS ON OUR TEAM MEMO
LL: oh well i didnt know we had a team memo
LL: :-$
CC: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ONE
LL: i was?
CC: THIS IS SO UNFAIR
CC: THIS IS PRACTICALLY SABOTAGE
CC: WE SHOULD GET A TEAM ADVANTAGE BECAUSE WE GOT STUCK WITH BUTTERS
SC: no.
tylerperryFan [TF] responded to memo.
TF: l00k let's just get back t0 the game
TF: the cl0cks are running 0ut and 0ur parents c0uld break in any sec0nd
UG: aHH,, oH GOD
UG: pRESSUURE,, !
SC closed memo.
Stan: Be conflicted.
You stand between Kyle and Cartman, figuratively of course, because you're all sitting at your laptops. On one hand, Kyle pesters you to continue working with the game's strange devices. On the other, Cartman nags you to bring him into the game as his host. But really, you just want to hide the Kernelsprite that looks an awful lot like a floating spirit of the spirits in your flask.
Open Pesterlog
- chilliconCarnival [CC] begna pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
CC: ARE YOU DOING IT
RR: i have the host server open in another tab
CC: I KNOW THAT
CC: ARE YOU ABOUT READY TO BE MY HOST OR ARE YOU STILL ONLY INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME?!
RR: soon cartman i promise
RR: but i was doing something important with kyle
CC: HA LIKE I HAVENT HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE BUTT PIRATE
RR: what?
RR: hes helping me with the game
RR: hes my host
CC: MUST BE NICE
RR: oh hold up hes messaging me
CC: I SEE HOW IT IS
CC: GO CRAWLING BACK TO HIM LIKE A SNIVELLING MR KITTY MEOWING FOR MY POT PIE
RR: dude what the fuck
CC: WELL YOU ARENT GONNA GET IT MR KITTY
CC: THATS A BAD MR KITTY
RR: dude
- thoseBastards [TB] began pestering redRocket [RR] just now -
TB: You Can Get To Hosting Cartman Whenever You Want, But I Think It's Important To Finish What We've Started Just For Now.
RR: yea cartman can wait a little longer
RR: what do i need to do?
TB: Okay Go To The Totem Lathe With The Pre-punched Card.
Stan: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.
You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on your team's TOTEM LATHE which Kyle placed exactly behind the other team at their desks. From here, you have a great view of Craig prototyping his Kernelsprite. The room lights up and you see the second Kernelsprite transform into some sort of floating guinea pig. You're pretty sure that was an accident.
Above you, the TOOL ARM of the TOTEM LATHE deploys a configuration of chisels.
Now you just need something to lathe. The idea hits you right away.
Stan: Use cruxite drowel on totem lathe.
You clamp the CRUXITE DROWEL from your sylladex in the lathe. With all this work, you barely realise you have freed up three pockets.
Stan: Activate lathe.
The lathe carves ONE [1] TOTEM.
You take the TOTEM.
Open Pesterlog
- redRocket [RR] began pestering thoseBastards [TB] just now -
RR: okay you see what i have in my hand?
TB: Yep.
RR: please tell me i dont have to take this thing to the alchemiter
TB: Sorry, Dude.
RR: oh goddamnit
RR: all our parents are standing right next to it
RR: how am i supposed to do this without getting caught
TB: Don't Worry, Your Team Will Get You There.
TB: We Can't Let Craig's Gang Have This Over Us.
TB: And For Now We've Got The Advantage.
RR: how
TB: They're Having Trouble With The Kernelsprite They Prototyped.
TB: Good Thinking Prototyping An Inanimate Object, By The Way.
TB: But What Is It?
RR: oh uh just something i picked up
TB: In The Bathroom?
RR: yea
TB: Ew.
Kyle: Open grist cache.
You can't help but glance over at the clocks on the two cruxtruders in the lab, both of which read 4:13 and counting. Trepidation builds in you as you consider what they could be counting down to, but you shake off the unwelcome feeling. You focus back on the task at hand and check on Stan's grist cache. A decent amount of build grist remains.
You can use this.
Kyle: Get him there.
You keep an eye on the horde of parents gathered around the exterior door. With this in mind, you select the space around the alchemiter and extend the computer lab just enough to contain the alchemiter indoors and within Stan's reach.
The walls extend exactly as you have laid them out, but a couple of parents find themselves trapped in the room's new extension.
Randy Marsh and Mr. Tucker stand in the computer lab.
Stan: Abscond.
You cannot abscond!
Stan: STRIFE!
You have no other choice. You equip your strife specibus to face your dad. Craig joins you in strife with his own.
Craig attempts to ABUSE his dad with a raised middle finger but Mr. Tucker REFLECTS by flipping the double bird!
You ASSAULT your dad with a swing of your bat. It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!
Randy BOLSTERS his strength by singing, "I'm the best! Arou-ound! Nothin gon ever get me down!"
Mr. Tucker ACCUSES Craig with homophobic micro-aggressions! It's SUPER EFFECTIVE! Randy RETALIATES against Mr. Tucker with, "Ooh, no, you can't say that. I'm PC, bro." Randy flashes his branding and Mr. Tucker takes damage to the conscience!
Craig attempts to ABSCOND! He cannot abscond!
You SHOW SOLIDARITY by patting Craig on the shoulder! Craig's resolution is BOLSTERED! Mr. Tucker takes residual damage to the conscience!
Randy moves to AGGRIEVE you, but before he can, his attention catches on the window! "Oh what the fuck is that?!"
Stan: Look out the window.
At Randy's exclamation, the strife dies down and all eyes turn to the window. You see a large object jetting through the sky. A tail of fire streaks out behind it and it seems to be coming straight for you!
Your KERNELSPRITE is getting awfully worked up about it.
Somewhere beyond the school you hear a familiar shout of "It's comin' right for us!" followed by the sound of a bazooka firing. You think you spot a speck of fire and minimal damage on the flaming surface of the impinging meteor where the bazooka might have hit, but this meagre assault is harmless to its magnitude. You might as well be under siege by planet fucking Jupiter.
Stan: Do what the Kernelsprite wants.
Your Kernelsprite nudges you insistently toward your team's alchemiter. You make things easier for the Kernelsprite and get back to business. Your dad and Mr. Tucker are too busy looking out the window to remember the strife, and Craig is taking equal advantage.
Stan: Take totem to alchemiter.
With Kyle's help to clear your path, you make it to the alchemiter and place your totem on the smaller of the two platforms. A spark shines in the center of the larger platform. A cruxite apple tree appears on the platform, from which falls a single cruxite apple into your hands.
Stan: Take bite of apple.
The time on the clocks read 15 seconds! The comet in the sky is about the size of all South Park! 10 seconds! You stand amid teammates and opponents, friends and enemies! 5 seconds! You bite into the apple as the world glows a fiery colour beyond the window!
A mushroom cloud of fire fills the sky!
END OF ACT 1