The strain on her fingers grew weaker as the grip on the precipice began to falter. Holly's body was weighing down on her as it dangled over the icey waters - she knew it was coming.
The words were impulsive, and by the time she registered how irrational they were, it was too late. The ice had cracked and she fell straight through.
" I'm seeing someone." It was a simple phrase laced within a lie, but it was more than enough to tip the other woman off course. The rejection alone could have been enough to stop the blonde's innocent advances, but the doctor was never really the most rational person around her.
Holly could tell by the tone of her own voice that it didn't sound all too convincing.
Nervous fleeting eyes and a furrowed brow cast off to the side; Gail took the bait. Thoughts raced through her head and the stillness of the room was becoming far too loud for her to make sense of it all.
The cool air constricted her throat, and all the words she wanted to say were lost in a breath.
The thin veil of frost was broken, and Gail had nothing to grasp for anymore. The tears that welled up were heavy and she refused to let herself blink because she knew she wouldn't be able to control herself. Not here. She still had to clutch to her sense of pride despite the atrophy of the walls that helped her up. Her smile faded, soon replaced by a frown, and then nothing.
A beautiful face without expression. Holly couldn't fathom how vacant Gail's blue eyes were.
It took one hurried gasp before quick footsteps clicked their way out, unsteady but defined. The door out of the morgue swung open a little too forcefully, but not enough to slam against the wall. The emotions were hitting Gail hard, but with that silence came her destructive voice echoing in the hall.
…
The beep of the squad car rang as Gail sat down and slammed the door shut. Her head laid back against the seat trying to make sense of what just happened. She blinked a few times, holding back the tears before she started up the car in search for Oliver's missing daughter.
Her hands clutched onto the steering wheel as the bones of her knuckles protruded from her ghosty skin. It had been an hour and she still couldn't find the girl.
"Where the fuck is she! " Gail yelled inside the squad car. She slammed her palm on the steering wheel in frustration. Her patience was wearing thin with this girl, but the anger she felt just made everything worse. The forensic pathologist had moved on, and here she was. Alone.
She couldn't remember when the tears started falling from her eyes, nor did she notice until she felt them drip from the bottom of her chin onto her uniform.
Gail didn't do feelings. She hated Holly. She hated Holly for making her have these new feelings that she used to just brush off like the many boyfriends of the past.
It was just for fun right? Gail laughed bitterly at the comment she overheard that night.
...
"Oliver, I lost her." were all the words Gail could muster. She couldn't find the delinquent child anywhere. She explained where she had been for the past hour trying to find her. The double meaning to her own words stung a bit.
" It's okay Peck, I found her. Why don't you clock out early today?" The interim staff sergeant could tell there was something wrong with the blonde. He couldn't do much at this point, it had been a long day for him. He knew if he tried to corner her again she wouldn't respond so lightly. She nodded without a word and walked to the locker room to pick up her things.
The blonde opened up her locker and stared at the lined piece of paper that was taped on the inside of the door. It was a picture and comment that was messily scrawled in barely legible letters. She received the letter that morning. It was a simple drawing of herself in stick form and Sophie. She would frequently visit Sophie and check up on her to see if she was in good hands with the temporary child service caretakers.
Come visit me Officer Gail. I miss you!
Gail had a good morning. Everything just went downhill after her encounter with Holly.
...
Holly blamed the severed thumb.
All of these feelings and Gail could have been avoided. Their reconciliation, well lack thereof, was inevitable.
She tried for her, for days, which turned to weeks on end, but with no response. All she had left were unresponded voicemails and one-sided text conversations.
After those weeks of trying, she tried a different approach, she decided to avoid the woman as much as possible still holding onto an innocent belief that Gail would come around eventually. She diverted her attention to her job and immersed herself into the no-time-for-anything-doctor she was before she met Gail. Groveling too long wasn't going to fix anything.
But despite the length of time away from the woman, the feelings never faltered.
She looked at the thumb and slipped it into a plastic bag and proceeded to take the elevator up to the station. She was thankful and slightly relieved that the courier didn't call in today. The brunette wanted to see if Gail was okay, or at least not in the rampage that she heard earlier when the blonde stormed off.
Gail rounded the corner about to head out, but raised her head when she heard the woman's voice.
" I brought your thumb. " Holly smiled a little at the woman and asked her about Izzy. They shared an awkward conversation, trying not to look at each other and smile too much. Gail explained that the girl locked herself inside the janitor's room while playing with Oliver's cell phone. They both laughed and decided that the girl was childish.
" I still act that age, c'mon it's true. " Gail looked at Holly for confirmation. " I'm an impetuous…" she paused not wanting to finish the phrase that was undoubtedly true. " I'm self-destructive, I'm..I'm a brat."
" It's okay Gail, you don't have to explain. " Holly said quickly. She didn't want to hear it. She didn't want feelings to resurface and just gladly welcome the blonde into her arms. It was never that easy. And she convinced herself at this point that she was done.
"No it's not okay, I don't want to end up a sad sorry woman who threw away the most wonderful person she ever met." For a second Holly wasn't sure if Gail was speaking the truth or just grasping for the right words that would convince her to come back.
But Holly waited and let the words sink in. Holly could almost hear the vulnerability that emitted from Gail. Her eyes were different this time. They weren't hidden beneath a glare, a hardened frown, or vacancy. They were a reflection of what she truly felt.
At this moment, despite their situation and the gloss in her eyes, Holly was proud.
Gail never felt so naked before in her life. Her skin tingled, seeking for the caress or warmth that Holly would give. Just being in her arms made everything better.
Gail's words were spoken from the heart. And Gail gave Holly an opening, an unspoken choice. The tears and emotions lay right out in the open for the taking, but she knew.
"Goodnight, Gail." She needed to walk away.
Gail watched as Holly turned around, she anticipated that pause to see Holly turn back and regret her decision. But it never came. It was never that easy.
" I never needed you, " Gail's words were sharp as the ice that was pulling her down, but her words carried off into the distance unheard. She was angry again, but she realized that she had nothing left except for the unkind words. The snark that hid behind almost every phrase that escaped her mouth, that's all she had left.
She didn't believe her own words, but that was her last attempt in the knockout round. Although, her opponent was long gone before it had even started.