This had been sitting in my hard drive half done for ages… I finally finished it at 5 am the other day, which I hope explains some of the wackiness that ensues. It's a Sam/Vala friendship piece done in Sam's pov, my first real Sam pov too fear/nervous and I apologize now to all the Sam fans if I destroy her in this.

There are nods to several tongue in cheek ships, a very crackish almost hidden cameo, and ukuleles ;) Again, I say: it was 5 am!!

Dedicated to Stef, who long ago asked me for a Sam and Vala drunk piece. I didn't forget hun, I just needed to be pulled away from my world of Internet fandom, and have the bunnies tie me down. See what happens when given no other choice but to write… Enjoy! Even the title is nuts :D

The Physicochemical Composition of Alcohol and Girl's Night Out

The club is loud and the music makes the air vibrate to its beat. Sam sips at her beer staring out to where Vala is sitting at a nearby table. One of the many men that had been hitting on the woman had roped her into a drinking contest, in hopes of getting the flirty brunette drunk and in bed. Sam almost feels sorry for the man. Vala, of course, is playing her part perfectly. She's giggling too loudly, and every once in a while she spills some of her drink on her top- bringing the men's focus to her breasts. Sam wants to find it annoying, demeaning, against women's lib, something, but it's just too fucking funny watching all these men drool over her alien friend as the woman hustles them out their money.

It had been a tough week at the SGC. Hebridan had fallen to the Ori, and Warrick had been one of the many casualties of the Prior Plague. Sam hates that she hadn't been able to do something for her friend. They had been planning to get together for their next space race, which had been coming up in the next couple months. Now there wouldn't even be a race. Along with that, the Jaffa and Tok'ra had also been dealt major blows. Everybody on base was on edge.

She had been locked in her lab, again, when Vala had shown up and thrown a pair of leather pants in her face, telling the blonde that they were going out. Blow off some smoke. Steam, Sam had corrected. She had gotten a "whatever, be ready in ten minutes" for her troubles.

Sam had wanted to argue- that she had too much work to do, but honestly, it sounded like a good idea.

Now as she watches her friend, the woman downs another tequila shot (no lime or salt, Vala said it took away from the taste), and her opponent starts to look green, though in all fairness that could also just be the club lights. Vala gives Sam a covert, smug look. Rolling her eyes, Sam cannot deny she is having fun. She owes Vala for this.

Watching as Vala throws back another shot, she has to hold back a laugh as all the men ogle the woman. In taking her shot, Vala has pushed her chest high in the air, and when the man across from her goes to take his own shot, he spits it out as his eyes roll to the back of his head. Vala is the victor, not that Sam had doubted the space vixen for a second.

Vala grabs her money and heads back to where Sam is. This time, Sam does smile as she watches Vala saunter back towards her; except for a small sway of her hips, the woman is walking back in an almost practically perfect straight line. Inwardly, Sam laughs at her thought. She's even starting to think like the younger woman.

Because Sam is 90 sure that Vala is younger than her, if only by a couple of months- year tops. She had done the math a while ago, estimating the rough median for most planets daily and yearly rotations, then cross referencing that with some of the intel they had about the planets Quetesh had ruled over (Vala's home world had to be one of them, probability wise) and then had transmuted that data with Earth's daily and yearly rotations, giving her a rough estimate of Vala's birthday, with a margin of six to 10 months. Cam had asked once her why she just hadn't asked Vala when her birthday was and how old she was. Sam had rolled her eyes. Men, they understood nothing.

Just like the men her friend had just left behind, all looking flummoxed at the striking brunette who just played them all.

Sam laughs as Vala reaches her.

"Have fun?"

Vala smiles. "Loads." She leans over the bar and calls over Pablo, their college student bartender, whose real name is Paul, but Vala likes the sound of Pablo better. More exotic, she told Sam.

"What can I get you, ladies?" Pablo/Paul asks, and Sam notices that he's trying very hard not to look down Vala's leather halter.

"Two, umm…" Vala pauses to ponder and when the wicked glint enters her eyes, Sam knows she's going to feel sorry for Pablo/Paul in about two seconds.

Vala's voice drips with innuendo. "Screaming Orgasms, two Screaming Orgasms, for each of us." Yep, feeling sorry for Pablo/Paul the bartender. Check. Vala winks at Pablo/Paul and the poor boy blushes violet and blue in the club's lights. Sam only giggles after the kid goes to get their drinks.

"Vala, that was mean."

"Maybe, but it was fun. Plus, I just gave the poor lad his fantasy for tonight. If anything, I was helping."

"Yeah, I bet." Sam rolls her eyes, with a smirk.

But Vala looks at her seriously. "Samantha, love, you need to embrace your sexuality more. Living so long among men, you have clearly repressed your natural urges as a woman, to be treated equally among your peers. It's time you let go of your inhibitions and embrace the feminine psyche you push back. "

Sam tilts her head. "Oprah?"

"Dr. Phil, Gen. Landry recommended it."

"Nice."

"I thought it was appropriate."

"So is this what this night was about, embracing the urges of my feminine psyche?" Sam raises an eyebrow at Vala.

Pablo/Paul comes back with their drinks, and Vala once again leans over the bar and stuffs the money straight into his shirt pocket with a pat, giving Sam a impish look, "Maybe a little, it was mostly to get drunk."

Sam laughs.

"I like that reason better." Both clink their drinks together and down one of their two drinks. The second one follows.

"Me too." Vala looks out to the dance floor. "Let's dance."

"Vala."

"Come on, Sam. Lets have some fun, give these people something to look at, and give the boys a reason to hate that they didn't join us tonight, when they ask where we went tomorrow." Vala tugs Sam to the dance floor, and even though she doesn't really want to, Sam resists. A little.

"We didn't even invite them."

"Again, Sam, not the point. They were all PMSing today anyways; they didn't deserve the pleasure of having a night out with us."

"PMSing?"

"Sam!" Vala tugs again, and this time Sam lets her friend drag her to the dance floor full of sweaty body masses, perspiring beer, tequila and pheromones. In a few moments both women have gotten into the rhythm of the music that pulsates through the club. Together they twist and move to the beat of the air surrounding them. Sam has always thought that there is something about dancing with a good girl dancer. So very different from a random, rigid guy that doesn't really look at you, and just tries to grab your ass. Sam, always rational, can acknowledge it's not always that way. If you can find a great guy dancer, who will move with you and make it feel like it's only the two of and the music, that's great, but it's not what tonight is about. Tonight is about her and her friend having fun, blowing of smoke, and enjoying life. They haven't done enough of that lately.

Hours later, Sam and Vala are drunk and laughing as they leave the club. They call a cab, and head back to Sam's. In the cab, they giggle and joke about the men in the club, Pablo/Paul who by the end of the night asked Vala for her number- they are so telling Daniel that tomorrow Vala states. They laugh over that guy, John Something, that grabbed their asses and had looked suspiciously like Cam, and how they were so gonna get lectured tomorrow when they'd show up late and maybe a little hung over to the base.

Oh, well.

It's not like they wouldn't have a cover. Planning ahead Vala called it. Carolyn had gotten to the club a little late, also invited by the alien woman, and left a little early after a suspicious phone call that had her blushing; Sam and Vala swore they would ask her about tomorrow. No, wait, the day after- tomorrow they would need Carolyn on their side.

When they reach her house, Sam ushers a half-asleep Vala out of the cab. Inside, she guides her friend to the couch. Vala is asleep before Sam can even tuck her in. Half walking, half feeling her way to her room, Sam collapses on her bed and dreams of drinking Screaming Orgasms with Albert Einstein and Thor on the beach on PX3-876, while Teal'c and Walter play ukuleles in the background.

At seven her alarm clock wakes her, but it gets thrown against the wall and dies. Sam curls back up in her bed; the bliss doesn't last for long. After a while, that feels like seconds (time after all is relative) she hears, "Sam, you up?"

Blinking, she looks at her figure in her door way. "John?"

"John? Who's John? There's a John here!?"

Nope. Cam. Cam!

Sam shoots up her bed, clutches her head and glares at Cam. Good, even with the conga line in her head she can still multi-task.

"Cam, what are you doing here?"

Cam blushes, looks away and scratches his neck. "Oh, umm, after you and Vala didn't show up this morning, Jackson and I came over to check if you were okay."

Sam nods. Okay, nodding bad. Wait.

"Wait, why didn't you just call?"

"It looks like Sleeping Beauty on the couch killed your phone."

"Oh." Sam makes a mental note to check her phone later, but she can't really blame Vala, after all she killed her own alarm clock earlier. Wait. Cam. Room. Vala. Couch. Daniel. Where? Sam hopes he's making coffee.

"Daniel's here too?" Sam runs a hand through her hair.

Cam nods. Sam wonders why his eyes keep darting all over.

"Yep, he's waking Vala." Damn. No coffee. But now Cam sounds amused, and Sam can just imagine what her friend is going through. She learned last night that Vala tends to cling, and cuddle after a few (numerous) drinks. Poor Daniel, but then again he should have made coffee first. She's almost sorry to miss the show.

"Ah." Sam smiles bright. Okay, smiling bad too.

"Well, I'll just let you get yourself… together." Cam goes to leave the room, but before, "Nice bra." And he shuts the door behind him.

Sam looks down and sees that her top had moved in her sleep and she had just given Cam a nice long look at her red and pink satin bra. Groaning, she falls back to the bed. Okay, groaning and falling bad three and four.

Covering her face with her pillow, she grins.

She loves girl's night out.