it has been around two years since what happened and I'm still not completely over Tris. The system had ruined her and she risked her like for all of us, I just wish she would have listened to me... How can I complain though, I would have done it too if it meant saving someone that I cared about.

There are so many things I wish she Was here to explain.

It's Christmas time and I am not in the spirit whatsoever. This time of year always brought sadness to me and not because of the joke Christina always told me And the rest of the group hoping to cheer us up.

"Merry Christmas, Four," Christina said as her terrible joke. The Merry part was supposed to be the joke. I couldn't be "Merry" even if I tried, I had no Tris Prior next to me.

"Come on, Four, Tris would want you to be happy..."

"You wouldn't know what she would want, Christina. She had a whole other side to her you NEVER saw." I say sourly.

I leave and head to her grave unable to cope with her loss. Sometimes I liked to imagine what would be happening if she were still here and with me.

(Tobias imagination)

"Beatrice!" I call from the bedroom we would be sharing.

She would come in smiling and say, "Yes, Tobias?"

I would laugh, " the bed is cold without you.. Come lay down."

"Fine," she would say coming and laying next to me in the bed, "I miss Caleb," she would say because she let her brother sacrifice himself.

"It's okay. He died a hero."

She would smile sweetly and kiss me softy, like most of our kisses it lasted until both of us could barely breathe.

We would sit there gasping and staring in each others eyes.

"I love you," we would whisper at the same time then smile and have another kiss.

I snap out of the fantasy then, I hated dwelling on the "could have been" when it came to Tris but I couldn't help it sometimes. She was my pass time.

It probably sounds pretty weird for me to be sitting here explaining how I wanted to kiss a dead girl, no woman, but it was true.

I make it back to the Christmas party just as everyone begins to get drunk.

I can't believe my eyes.

Tris is there.