Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 26
Airdate: May 12, 2019
"Social Media Freaks Anonymous"
Special Guest Stars: Anna Faris as Catherine
#TYH724
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
One day at lunch, Sanna is on her smartphone as Ashley talks.
ASHLEY: It's just that I know I should have gotten an A on that test. It's like, how do you study so much for something and it's still not enough? I don't get it.
SANNA: Yeah, no one gets anything ever.
ASHLEY: I know. I guess next time, I'll do better, but I really don't want to stress myself out. You know what I mean?
SANNA: You've got problems, I've got problems. Everybody's got their own problems.
Beat. Ashley gives Sanna a weird look.
ASHLEY: Yeah, because when those giraffes licked my neck and rubbed peanut butter on my tummy, I just felt so, so complete.
SANNA: I couldn't agree with you more.
ASHLEY: Nothing I just said happened! You're stuck on your phone again.
SANNA: Look, can I help it if I have pressing engagements on this thing? There's gossip, Ashley. And then there's rumors. And then there's just a bunch of photos of people playing with their cats or eating their food, but those are always classic.
ASHLEY: Wow. You must go through so much every single day.
SANNA: It's not an easy lifestyle. Why are you downplaying it?
ASHLEY: Because it's not a lifestyle, it's an addiction. You go on your smartphone and become a zombie. And then I have to start my stories back at the beginning, which is disrespectful to me because it proves you're not paying attention.
SANNA: Oh, shit.
ASHLEY: What?
SANNA: This man is making his son cry for failing his classes. Kinda funny.
ASHLEY: I'm going to go play outside.
Ashley gets up and leaves the table to go to the playground. While this happens, Sanna never looks up from her phone.
SANNA: Dude, remember to wear a jacket. It's cold this week.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky walks into the house and begins to sniff around.
SPARKY: Hmmm. Doesn't smell like cheap beer. I guess Bitch Clock found another place to drink today.
Sparky sees a note on the coffee table and begins scratching his head.
SPARKY: What the hell?
Sparky takes the note and begins reading.
SPARKY: "To whom it may concern. You know exactly who you are and you know exactly who your cat is. He's where he truly belongs, so don't come looking for us." Oh my God!
Sparky takes out his phone and begins to make a call. He sweats as the phone rings.
SPARKY: HELLO?!
POLICEMAN: Yes, Seattle Police Department. How can we help?
SPARKY: My cat Santa's Little Helper was kidnapped! You guys have to find him!
POLICEMAN: Oh, your cat's missing. Yeah, sure, don't come in with a real problem. You want your widdle kitty cat back?
SPARKY: Stop patronizing me, I'm serious. I want all of Seattle's finest working the beat. Give me leads, clues, a search party. I need television coverage!
POLICEMAN: Okay, sure. In the meantime, we need to get Prince Harry and Meghan Markle out of a cauldron of lava. But you keep your head up.
The policeman hangs up.
SPARKY: I can't believe how shady they're being. Wait, who's Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?
SCENE 3
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Around the same time, Ashley is watching TV with Jaylynn and Anja.
ASHLEY: It was ridiculous. I can't believe Sanna. She cares more about that stupid phone than me.
JAYLYNN: You know that's not true, you guys are best friends. You just need to tighten up your stories a bit, that's all.
ASHLEY: Excuse me?
JAYLYNN: Ashley, babe, you're not the best storyteller. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
ANJA. Have you tried talking to Sanna about how you feel?
ASHLEY: If I knew Sanna would listen to me, do you think I would sit here getting advice from you two morons?!
Beat. Jaylynn and Anja look offended as Ashley realizes what she just said.
ASHLEY: I'm so sorry, it's just been a really long day.
JAYLYNN: Look, Ash, maybe you just need to find a way to relate to Sanna. Try using your phone more and talking less. Problem solved.
ANJA: That's a terrible way to fix things. Communication is a two-way street. Sanna needs to learn to live in the real world.
ASHLEY: So, what do you suggest?
ANJA: An intervention.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, because, see, we're trying to avoid stupid ideas by doing that.
ANJA: It's gonna work. It's not like we're accusing her of smoking grass or something. We just get a bunch of people together and we tell her that she needs to stop using social media so much.
ASHLEY: No way Sanna ever agrees to that.
ANJA: Trust me, she will. She has an addiction, and if she doesn't take care of it now, pretty soon, she'll be putting hashtags in front of all of her sentences and talking about her favorite breakfast on...on...what is it you guys use? Myspace?
JAYLYNN: Smoking grass? Myspace? What year do you live in?
ANJA: I like being out of touch. It's what makes me special.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Sparky is talking to Buster, RK, and Wade about his missing cat.
WADE: So, the police don't have any leads or ways to track these guys down?
SPARKY: The police are staying out of the case entirely. Apparently, trying to save missing cats is, in their words, "too 20th century."
RK: I'm sorry this had to happen to you, Sparko. If you want, you can have Mrs. Tuxedo Pants over whenever you want.
BUSTER: Hey! I'm his best friend, and since Santa's Little Helper is siblings with my cat, only LPC can come over.
RK: You're trying to keep a cat from his own mother? What are you, some kind of sicko?
SPARKY: Thanks guys, but it wouldn't feel right. Santa's Little Helper is the only cat for me. What I need is a detective or something. Someone that can go undercover and crack the case on their own.
BUSTER: It's too bad Encyclopedia Brown's not a real person. Then again, if he was, he would probably overcharge you.
RK: A detective, eh?
RK begins rubbing his chin while looking up at the ceiling with squinted eyes.
WADE: RK, why do you have that look on your face?
RK: No reason, Wade. Just thinking about a certain comeback. Everybody loves a good comeback.
Beat.
SPARKY: What the hell is he talking about?
BUSTER: I dunno. Hey, I know this is off-topic, but has there ever been a famous rapper from Arizona?
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, KG is watching TV when RK comes in. He walks up to KG, takes the remote, and turns off the TV.
KG: You want to explain that before I force it out of you?
RK: The time has come, brother. It has been foretold in the prophecy, and now, we must answer the long-awaited call.
KG: What the f*** are you saying, man? You just walked in here. And you didn't even wash your hands when you did.
RK: KG, I've been thinking all day about the Jennings Detective Agency and how much fun we had. And now, with everything on the line, it's time to bring it back.
KG: Dude, are you serious? That would kick ass! But why?
RK: Well, Sparky's cat got kidnapped and the police don't give two shits about it. Sparky needs an underground detective who's not afraid to get their hands dirty, and we're as filthy as you can get.
KG: You really think we can do this? What if it fails?
RK: Bro, there's nothing people love more than a good comeback. This is our moment. I mean, if the Jonas Brothers could come back and get the number one song in the country, why can't we crack one of the biggest cases in the city?
KG: Eh, they got lucky. But you're right. Alright, RK, you're on. The Jennings Detective Agency is back in business.
RK: Hell yeah! Just when everybody thought it was safe to commit some crime, the Jennings brothers are at it one more time.
KG: You should probably work on that.
RK: It's not a slogan, it just felt like the thing to say.
SCENE 6
The Rodriguez Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Around the same time, Sanna and Ashley walk up to the front door of Ashley's house.
SANNA: Hey Ashley, don't you think it's a little too soon to plan for Halley's birthday party?
ASHLEY: Not really. I'm just surprised you were able to say something while actually looking me in the eye.
SANNA: What?
ASHLEY: Nothing. Why don't we just go in, shall we?
SANNA: Alright.
Ashley opens the door and when the girls walk in, they see Jaylynn, Anja, Halley, and Gilcania in a circle staring at them.
SANNA: You gotta be kidding me. This is a setup!
ASHLEY: Whatever do you mean, Sanna?
SANNA: Why would Halley be here to plan for her own birthday party? Look at her, she doesn't even know what's going on here.
HALLEY: What? I do. I was the first person to show up.
SANNA: Ashley, what's this about?
ASHLEY: Why don't you have a seat, sweetie? I think it's time we all talk to you about something important.
Sanna takes her seat and Ashley sits across from her.
SANNA: I'm kinda scared. There have been way too many eyes pointed at me for the last minute or so.
ANJA: Sanna, this is an intervention. Your friends have gathered here today to address your addiction to social media.
SANNA: Your friends? What are you talking about? We're not friends?
ANJA: You barely talk to me anymore.
SANNA: That's because you tried using me for my money, then you turned around and didn't even invite me to your birthday party.
ANJA: I did invite you! You told me you didn't want to come!
JAYLYNN: This sounds like a separate intervention.
ASHLEY: Okay, allow me to start.
Ashley clears her throat as she begins reading her letter.
ASHLEY: "Sanna, all the time you spend on your smartphone is starting to ruin our friendship. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. We used to do stuff together. Now, it feels like I have to make an appointment with you because that phone is your whole life."
SANNA: Oh, please, you're exaggerating. I don't...
Sanna gets a notification and immediately goes to look for her phone while the other girls stare at her with bewilderment.
ASHLEY: What did I tell you guys?
JAYLYNN: Like a crackhead looking for their next hit.
GILCANIA: Yes, honey, this is not a good look at all.
SANNA: Oh, what do you know, Gilcania? People barely see you around school anymore.
GILCANIA: At least I take the time and talk to my friends unlike you, boo-boo. You have to control your urges.
HALLEY: She's right, Sanna. You can't just pretend like you're not all about posting pictures and commenting on everything you see.
SANNA: Okay, it looks like everybody here is so perfect and they all have these strong opinions on how I should live my life, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put my phone down. I'm not even going to bother looking at it for anything, and I'll have a regular conversation with you guys. Just to prove to you that you're all crazy.
ANJA: Okay, do it. Put the phone down.
SANNA: I will.
ASHLEY: But you still have it in your hand.
SANNA: I'm going to put it down, I'm just getting ready.
JAYLYNN: Getting ready for what, Christmas? Put the damn phone down and talk to us.
SANNA: Alright!
Sanna places her phone on the floor.
SANNA: There. Now, let's talk about something.
JAYLYNN: I haven't been to D.R. since I was little. I feel like I missed my chance.
ASHLEY: Of course not, you can still go. It's just as beautiful as you think it is.
HALLEY: See, you guys are lucky. You have a home country to go back to. With me, I feel like a stranger in Italy.
ASHLEY: Well, your grandparents were immigrants. That's probably why.
HALLEY: Still though, it's weird. I'm the only person here that doesn't have that connection.
ANJA: I used to think that too, but after I spent a summer in Palestine...
SANNA: Shit, this is hilarious.
ANJA: How is that funny? I didn't even tell a story.
GILCANIA: She's on her phone again.
SANNA: I'm not using my phone, I was just checking it!
HALLEY: But you said that you wouldn't look at it for anything.
SANNA: What are you, an analyst? Quit judging my choices.
ANJA: Okay, clearly, this intervention wasn't a good idea. But Sanna, you need help. We're all worried about you. What if one day, you're too busy texting while driving and you can't even see the road?
SANNA: I'm not stupid enough to text and drive.
ANJA: That's what they all say.
Anja takes out a pamphlet.
ANJA; This is for a social media support group at the community center. It helps you cut down on using your devices and build better relationships with the people around you.
SANNA: I'm not doing that. I'll look like a loser, and I won't even know anybody there.
ASHLEY: That's not a big deal. Just let me, Anja, and Jaylynn take you there. We'll be like your posse.
SANNA: Fine. If this means so much to you guys, I'll go. But this is just for one meeting. After that, I'm done.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, Anj, you just happened to have that pamphlet on you this whole time?
ANJA: Of course. I have other pamphlets at home. Fishing 101, the spin class, and a class that specializes in training amateur chiropractors.
Beat.
ANJA: What? I might get bored with poetry class one day.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky, Buster, and Wade are greeted by RK wearing a fedora, a trenchcoat, and black boots.
RK: At ease, gents. Don't worry, this is not a drill and this is not a false alarm. This is the real thing.
WADE: And so it begins.
SPARKY: RK, what do you mean, this is the real thing?
RK: The rumors are true. The hype has been validated. The Jennings Detective Agency is back, baby.
BUSTER: Yes! Now, the city can be safe again!
WADE: You do realize that you and your brother aren't real detectives, right? Do you realize that, or did you inhale too many paint fumes to realize that?
SPARKY: Besides, you didn't even crack any cases the first time. Weren't you just doing cosplay for some racist?
RK: Look, we can recap all we want, but that's not going to make this comeback work, is it? Santa's Little Helper is out there being chained up in some basement scared and alone, and I told myself I wouldn't rest until I found him.
SPARKY: That's actually kinda sweet, RK. But I don't want you and KG to waste your time. I can just hire an actual detective.
RK: Please, don't even try your luck with those fast-breathing, snake oil detectives who talk a big game and can't back it up. It's gonna be different for the JDA this time around. My cowboy hat's gone, we have an actual case to crack, and even better?
RK pulls out a tape recorder from his trenchcoat.
RK: I finally got the tape recorder.
(The instrumental to "22 Two's" by Jay-Z plays in the background; the boys look confused as they try to figure out where the music is coming from)
RK begins talking into the tape recorder, adopting the voice of an old-school radio announcer.
RK: They say the streets are no longer what they used to be. Crime rates are up, drugs run the town, and beloved cats are being taken away from their homes. Something's gotta give this year. In steps the brothers with everything to gain and nothing to lose. This is the comeback the whole world has been waiting for. So sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy some brand new episodes of...the Jennings Detective Agency!
Beat.
BUSTER: Wouldn't it be cool if RK ran for mayor?
SCENE 8
Northgate Community Center
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
At night, Sanna's car pulls up to the community center. Cut to Sanna inside the car, with Ashley in the passenger's seat, and Anja and Jaylynn in the back.
SANNA: This is so humiliating.
ASHLEY: Sanna, it's for your own good. This class might actually improve your life and make you a better person.
SANNA: Oh, so you don't think I'm a good person already?
ASHLEY: That's not what I...
JAYLYNN: I want apple juice.
SANNA: There's no apple juice in this car, Jaylynn! How many times do I have to tell you that?
JAYLYNN: We passed by a Walgreens on the way here. You should have listened to me when I told you to stop for apple juice then.
SANNA: Whatever. Anja, can you show me to the damn class?
ANJA: Sure.
SANNA: Ashley, don't move the car unless a meter maid comes. Or maybe the cops think you don't really own a car this nice, so you step on it to escape them.
ASHLEY: Okay.
Sanna and Anja step out of the car.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, why do you want apple juice so bad?
JAYLYNN: I had some at home, but I forgot to bring it. Now, I'm thirsty and irritated.
SCENE 9
Northgate Community Center
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sanna and Anja walk past various classes on their way to the support group.
SANNA: This is a really nice place. I can't believe they're thinking about demolishing it in three years.
ANJA: They're thinking about what?!
SANNA: Oh, you didn't know? I thought that was something they would have told you about. Hey, look, here it is. *Sanna reads the sign on the door* "Social Media Freaks Anonymous." They couldn't even try printing that shit out? I bet they wrote this with a red Crayola. I bet.
ANJA: Are you just stalling so you won't have to go in?
SANNA: Leave me alone.
Anja and Sanna walk into the room and see the entire support group already seated. A middle-aged woman stands near the front to greet them.
CATHERINE: Hey, you're here! Um, Sanna Qureshi, is it? You're friends with Anja?
SANNA: Please don't tell me you know my social security number too.
CATHERINE: No, not at all. Anja told me about you beforehand.
SANNA: You arranged for me to be here behind my back? What if I didn't show up?
ANJA: You wouldn't do that because you love Ashley and she wants you to get help, right?
Sanna sighs.
SANNA: Right.
ANJA: Good. Now, to make sure you don't try to leave, I'm staying with you.
SANNA: Great, why not put more pressure on me to go through with this?
CATHERINE: Okay, everybody. Welcome to another meeting of Social Media Freaks Anonymous. I'm Catherine, and I'm a social media addict.
EVERYONE: Hi, Catherine.
CATHERINE: Last week, we talked about ways that too much social media can negatively impact the brain. We spend hours upon hours taking in images of other people doing regular, mundane stuff, but because of the allure of social media, we...
Catherine turns to the side and sees Anja trying to take Sanna's smartphone away from her.
SANNA: Give it back! I'm already bored!
CATHERINE: Sanna, as a member of this support group, it's very triggering to use your phone in front of everyone.
SANNA: To hell with that! This whole thing is just a way for you guys to admit that your lives are so lame, you have to be on social media all the time. Just delete your accounts. Is that so hard for you people to do?
CATHERINE: Well, why are you here? Clearly, you have a problem. Going by your logic, you're just as lame as everyone here.
ANJA: Ooh, checkmate.
SANNA: It's not checkmate. And I'm ten years old. I'm not diseased like you guys, I just go on social media to see what my friends are doing or watch funny videos.
CATHERINE: We all wanted to believe that, Sanna. But somewhere along the line, it became a case of us needing social media in our lives because we couldn't function without it. I got a rush from posting pictures and getting likes from people I barely know. It was stimulating, but then you realize that you're just chasing something you can't always get.
ED: It's true. My name is Ed, and I'm a social media addict.
EVERYONE: Hi, Ed.
ED: Thanks to my dependence on Facebook, I ended up losing touch of who I was as a person. I kept looking at what the next person had or what they did that was so much better. I started competing with these people subconsciously. I bought nicer clothes, traded in my old car, and planned a trip to Dubai in the summertime. I ended up with less than ten dollars in my bank account and an ulcer from all the stress I was under.
SANNA: Well, you just sound like an idiot to me.
Catherine gives Sanna an annoyed look.
SANNA: I'm sorry, let me elaborate. You sound like a major idiot to me.
Anja punches Sanna in her arm.
SANNA: Ow! Are you wearing rings?!
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG are dusting themselves off in the mirror, dressed fully in their detective gear.
KG: I still can't believe we're bringing back the JDA. You know, I used to pray for times like this.
RK: Really?
KG: No, but last week when we went to church, I was thinking about it. So, yeah, I guess I did pray for this.
RK: Believe it, bro. This is our time. I put up fliers all over the city with pictures of Sparky's cat and my phone number just in case people have any intel. We'll be busting heads in no time.
KG: You know something? It dawned on me. We need to prove to Sparky that we can do this, that we're capable of finding Rudolph for him.
RK: Santa's Little Helper.
KG: Doesn't matter. The point is, the Jennings Detective Agency's name has been getting slandered ever since we first put on these uniforms. It's time for us to elevate our game.
RK: You're right. If we don't show and prove, then Sparky's just going to fall for the sales pitch of some slimy, chain-smoking detective. We can't let that happen.
KG: Don't worry. I know exactly where we can make our first move.
SCENE 11
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG walk into the school, wearing sunglasses to conceal their eyes.
KG: Our first case, brother. Welcome to the world of middle school.
RK: Damn. It's so lifelike. What's the skinny with this place?
KG: The what?
RK: You know, the old barbeque business. The cold rundown, the codswalla.
KG: Okay, what detective talks like that?
RK: Can you just tell me what we're doing here?!
KG: You know how some older kids like getting high? Turns out they might be getting it from an outside source. That outside source being the high school.
RK: But you also like getting high. Turning kids in will make you a hypocrite and a narc.
KG: Okay, you can't use detective slang and also break character. It's confusing. Besides, drug crimes are like level one for detectives. If you can't bust someone for drugs, you don't deserve to wear your trenchcoat.
RK: You're right. Time to turn over some rocks.
RK and KG walk up to three random teenage boys.
RK: How are you doing, citizens? Living okay?
TEEN BOY #1: What the hell is going on here?
KG: There's no need to be alarmed, citizens. We're just trying to get all the information we need about the, um...how you say? The reefer.
TEEN BOY #2: The reefer?
KG: You know, the cannabis. The hemp, good old 420.
TEEN BOY #3: Are you talking about weed?
KG: If that's what you crazy kids are calling it these days.
RK: Look, children, we have reason to believe that some man is trying to bring marijuana into the school. We need to know what you know because we don't know, you know?
TEEN BOY #1: Wait a minute. KG, is that you?
KG: Citizen, I have no idea who you are referring to.
TEEN BOY #1: Yeah, that's KG! Guys, I told you about him, he's the one always telling jokes in class.
KG: Man, what are you doing? I'm performing undercover work.
TEEN BOY #1: If that's what you call it. Come on, man, take those stupid glasses off.
RK: We've been compromised!
KG: Let's beat it!
The Jennings brothers run out of the school while the teens laugh at them. Cut to them heading towards the car while looking over their shoulders.
RK: Well, that was a bust. I really thought we were about to nab some goons.
KG: I know it's hard, but we have to keep at it. There's at least six other middle schools we can hit.
RK: We could've just went to one of those schools first.
KG: How was I supposed to know I would get recognized? I only talk to four people in that damn school!
At that point, the boys open up the car doors when RK locks eyes with two college-aged boys from across the street. They look suspicious and proceed to flip RK off. He does the same with both of his middle fingers and gets back in the car.
SCENE 12
Northgate Community Center
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sanna and Anja walk towards Social Media Freaks Anonymous.
SANNA: I still can't believe you dragged me to that meeting. It was awful.
ANJA: So why were you so eager to come to this one?
SANNA: Because sometimes, people need to know when they're wrong. Catherine thinks she's doing me a favor, so I'm going to prove to her that she doesn't know anything.
ANJA: You're not going to influence the leader of a support group, Sanna. When have you ever heard of that happening?
SANNA: You're so negative. I don't know how Jaylynn deals with you all the time.
ANJA: No, it's just you that brings it out more.
SCENE 13
Northgate Community Center
Interior Support Group Room
Seattle, Washington
Sanna has a smug look on her face as she listens to one member of the support group share their story.
TYRONE: And I guess I was just worried that one day, I would hurt myself or the people I cared about. "Sometimes, it's just not worth making a tweet," I kept telling myself, and now, I'm four months clean.
The entire group claps.
CATHERINE: We could all learn a lot from your story, Tyrone. Sanna, would you like to share something?
SANNA: No, not really. I'm just sitting here admiring what you do here.
CATHERINE: Well, thank you, that means a lot.
SANNA: I just can't help but think you would be able to reach way more people if you weren't such an extremist.
CATHERINE: I don't understand.
SANNA: Don't beat yourself up, Catherine. These things happen. Of course, you don't understand. I just think people who think social media is evil don't really know what they're talking about.
CATHERINE: Well, it's not about social media being evil. It's about trying to give people new ways to live their life without depending on it. It's about getting internal validation.
SANNA: But how can you be validated when everyone gets judged for everything they do?
CATHERINE: Do you feel that way, Sanna? Like you always have to impress people?
SANNA: I don't know, sometimes. It's frustrating having to always be on. Like my fifth birthday. I know everyone just wanted to go to the water park. What about me? What about my needs?
CATHERINE: You know, you can share if you want. It's not a problem.
SANNA: I don't think so. I don't like talking about my problems like that.
CATHERINE: The whole point of this group is to make each other feel safe and welcome, regardless of their problems. Why are you here tonight, Sanna?
Sanna sighs.
SANNA: Okay, this is going to be a long one. I guess it all started when I was three.
SCENE 14
The Qureshi Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A few weeks later, Sanna is talking to the girls.
SANNA: So after everything Catherine's taught me, I don't feel like I need to use my phone all the time. This is me, letting you guys know how much I love you. Well, not you, Anja. I just kinda like you.
ANJA: You know you're the reason we're not friends, right?
SANNA: I feel like you don't talk to me, you talk around me. Why don't you work on that?
ASHLEY: I'm glad those meetings are working out, Sanna. It's a blessing Catherine was able to get through to you.
SANNA: What are you talking about?
ASHLEY: It's not a secret that you're stubborn. You're just not the kind of person that likes to listen to anyone. So, thank you, Catherine.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I almost took a bet that you couldn't do it.
SANNA: You know, I'm proud of myself for being able to pull it off. I proved everyone wrong.
ANJA: Yeah, but if it wasn't for me or the intervention, you would have never found out about the group. In a way, we should all get the credit.
SANNA: Uh huh.
HALLEY: Yeah, I'm just glad you learned something from those meetings. The old Sanna was starting to get on my nerves.
The girls all nod in agreement, especially Ashley.
JAYLYNN: You were a nightmare.
SANNA: Yeah, I...guess I was.
Sanna looks disappointed as she nods her head.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into school one day with his sunglasses and black boots on. He sees Sparky and tries to avoid him, but Sparky walks up to him.
SPARKY: Hey RK, wait up. What's going on with your detective work?
RK: Detective work? Man, you're crazy. Talking about detective work and whatnot.
SPARKY: The Jennings Detective Agency? The whole thing that you and your brother have been doing for a couple weeks now?
RK: Oh yeah, the JDA. Interesting stuff. We've been out in the streets, keeping schools off the drugs, kicking down the doors. Hey, are those new sneakers?
SPARKY: Look, if you haven't found any evidence, that's fine. I'll just get an actual detective.
RK: No! Don't do that! This case means more to me and KG than anything else in the world, Sparks. If you go with someone else, we'll have to shut down the agency.
SPARKY: What agency? You guys have never cracked a single case! Look, I know you want to help, but I need Santa's Little Helper back home. For all I know, he could be dead, and what you're doing is just wasting time. I'm sorry, man.
Sparky walks away from RK.
RK: I'm sorry, too.
RK pulls out his tape recorder.
RK: Sorry I got these new f***ing batteries for nothing.
RK tosses the tape recorder in the trash and kicks the bin before walking away.
SCENE 16
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Sanna and Ashley are talking over some ice cream sundaes.
SANNA: It's just crazy how much more freedom I have now that I'm not on my phone all the time.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it's something.
SANNA: It is something. I can see the beauty of life and appreciate everything about the world. Like I just realized how much you really need to start cleaning your nose.
ASHLEY: Why are you looking inside my nose?
SANNA: Please, you have a whole family of boogers in there. Just be glad I was the one to give you the heads up.
ASHLEY: Whatever. I just feel like now, you're a different person. You actually listen to people and that's...
SANNA: Hey, hey, wait a minute. What are you doing?
ASHLEY: I needed to check my phone.
SANNA: No, none of that phone checking. What's bad for me isn't good for you.
ASHLEY: Yeah, but I'm not the one in recovery. I have self-control.
SANNA: Doesn't matter.
Sanna takes Ashley's smartphone away.
ASHLEY: Hey! What's your problem?
SANNA: When you're with me and we're talking, we're in a phone-free zone. You have to respect me overcoming my addiction before I relapse.
ASHLEY: Look, Sanna, I appreciate what the support group's done for you, but you don't have to be all high and mighty about it.
SANNA: Catherine warned me about that. That way of thinking? It's like on some psychological level, you want me to continue using my smartphone in excess so you can feel like you have the power in the friendship. Well, you're not slick enough, you bum.
Ashley groans.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day at school, Ashley is talking to Jaylynn and Halley.
JAYLYNN: So, she just swiped the phone away?
ASHLEY: Yeah. I was trying to arrange some studying with Anja, but I didn't answer her fast enough. Do you know how squeaky her voice can get when you irritate her?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, trust me, it doesn't get any better the more you hear it.
HALLEY: You don't think that support group's starting to brainwash Sanna, do you?
ASHLEY: I doubt it. Sanna hates it when you keep telling her what to do. She's just trying to annoy me with this new thing she's into like she always does.
JAYLYNN: I don't know. I remember when I joined the Sisterhood and they turned me out pretty good.
ASHLEY: Didn't they disband months ago?
JAYLYNN: No, that was a rumor. They just kicked out one of the members for saying that #MeToo has jumped the shark.
At that point, Sanna walks up to the girls wearing a slightly worn-out beige wool coat and a brown scarf while holding a burlap sack. Her hair is also noticeably messier.
SANNA: How are you doing, ladies?
ASHLEY: Okay, maybe I might be wrong this time.
HALLEY: Sanna, what the hell are you wearing? You look like a transitioning hobo.
SANNA: This is my brand new, eco-friendly, non-materialistic uniform.
HALLEY: But you're wearing wool, how is that eco-friendly?
SANNA: The sheep that provided this coat made a bold sacrifice.
JAYLYNN: And the bag? You're carrying something weird in there?
SANNA: Of course not.
Sanna takes an apple out of the sack.
SANNA: It's an apple. The fruit of knowledge.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, that would have been my third guess.
ASHLEY: Sanna, don't you think you're taking this too far? It's just a phone.
SANNA: Bite your tongue, Ashley. It's not just a phone. It's about becoming a new Sanna. For years, I spent going on social media to fill some void in my life that I no longer have to. That support group made me see that I don't have to be a slave to material things anymore. Unlike you guys.
ASHLEY/HALLEY/JAYLYNN: What?
SANNA: You heard me. I'm not joining the mindless consumers for any more games. It's about intellectual discussion now. Whether you three clowns like it or not, I'm going to spread my message to the masses.
Sanna has a big smile on her face as she tosses her apple in the air repeatedly while walking away and getting strange looks from the other kids.
HALLEY: I don't know why, but it feels like she put something freaky in her cereal this morning.
JAYLYNN: It's over. Pretty soon, Sanna's gonna be playing the banjo, grilling veggie burgers and clipping her toenails in front of everyone.
ASHLEY: No way she would ever let her toenails grow. I'm going to let this ride for a bit. Maybe Sanna's just really enthusiastic about the group.
HALLEY: Ashley, did you not see that? Your best friend's Bohemian now. This is insane.
ASHLEY: And she'll come to her senses. She has to, right?
Jaylynn and Halley look at each other with concern, then back at Ashley. Ashley then shakes her head.
SCENE 18
Later on, RK and KG are driving through the streets of Seattle. RK looks depressed.
RK: I'm sorry, KG. I thought this comeback was going to change everything, but it just made things worse. And I thought Roseanne dropped the ball.
KG: It's okay, bro. We're just not cut out to be detectives. Sparky should be grateful though. It's not like they cut Santa's Little Helper's head off and stuck it in his mailbox. He'll survive.
RK: I guess. Ewww, Domino's Pizza. I can't believe people actually eat from there.
KG: Hey, don't go badmouthing Domino's. Their barbeque wings are an experience.
RK: How? They're just wings.
KG hits the brake and pulls over near Domino's.
KG: Just wings? RK, KFC makes "just wings." That place near my school where rats scurried across the counter last week makes "just wings." Domino's does not make "just wings." Their barbeque wings are a spiritual awakening. They're a connection between the mind, body, and soul. Those wings allow you to achieve a higher plane of enlightenment, and unlock the door of your brain to a world you never thought possible. There are wings, and then there are wings. Domino's serves wings.
RK: My God, that was beautiful. Let's go buy a box right now.
KG: No, I'm not in the Domino's mood. Maybe we can get some Tex Mex.
RK gives KG an annoyed look. He then sees Santa's Little Helper on the streets wandering. His eyes widen before the two college guys from weeks earlier come to pick up SLH. They again lock eyes with RK, then run off to avoid being spotted any further. RK rubs his chin as KG continues driving.
SCENE 19
The Saleh Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Anja's car pulls into the driveway and she gets out. She then sees Sanna on her porch, playing with her hair.
ANJA: Sanna, what are you doing? Is everything okay?
SANNA: You know what I love about hair? It's really just dead skin, but you spend so much time on it. Braiding it, combing it, straightening it, curling it, perming it, whatever you do to it. Meanwhile, the ice caps are melting and there are more endangered species every year, but who cares when you have hair?
ANJA: Are you auditioning for that play at Northgate about saving the environment?
SANNA: Anja, please. This isn't an act, it's a mission. A mission to save you from yourself.
ANJA: I don't need to be saved!
SANNA: That car you drive says otherwise. Is that even a hybrid? Why be so commercial? Why try and compete with the average consumer?
ANJA: The car you drive is flashier than mine!
SANNA: Yes, but I drive my car to remind myself of where I came from and who I used to be. You drive your car for style. You're all about the bling bling, and the ritzy glitzy nonsense.
ANJA: Do you think you're talking to someone else?
SANNA: Anja, it doesn't matter how you try to spin this. Thanks to the support group, my eyes are wide open to everything people do to celebrate materialism. I see the phone you use, I see the car you drive, and I see the look you give people so they can validate you with their attention. The problem is, you're dealing with someone that wants that to end. You're not changing this world for the better, you're just living in it, and you're making it worse every time you breathe its beautiful air.
Beat.
ANJA: Why does your breath smell like apple sauce?
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is watching TV at night when he gets a phone call.
RK: Who's calling me at this hour? "Unavailable." This better not be Anna pretending to be my old gym teacher again.
RK answers the phone.
RK: Anna, I know I gave you the impression a long time ago, but it's tired now.
STRANGER: We know all about your little pussy detective agency. We've seen the posters.
RK: Huh? Who's this?
STRANGER: Never mind that.
RK: How am I supposed to? You're the one who called me, you should be making your presence known.
STRANGER: Look, we know you're on to us, so here it is. If you and your brother want this cat back, you'll bring $500 and a big bag of puffy Cheetos to the old ice factory on 35th and Skarrow. Tomorrow afternoon, no later than 5:00. Either that, or we kill the cat!
The phone hangs up at that point.
RK: I knew those shady-looking bastards were planning something!
RK jumps off the couch and runs towards the stairs.
RK: KG! KG, IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL IT'S OVER, KG! BROTHER!
SCENE 21
The Rodriguez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day after school, Ashley, Jaylynn, Anja, Halley, and Gilcania are sitting in a circle.
ASHLEY: Okay, so I think we can all agree that Social Media Freaks Anonymous has turned Sanna into...into something I can't explain.
HALLEY: She's like Captain Planet on steroids. Steroids from a foreign country.
JAYLYNN: Don't you think it's a little weird to just sit around and shit talk a person when they're not even here?
The girls all give Jaylynn confused looks.
JAYLYNN: Hey, in my defense, no one was ever supposed to hear what I said. And if Sanna's using her phone less, isn't that mission accomplished?
ASHLEY: No. It's not. Sanna's not even herself anymore. She's this super environmental, earthy weirdo who probably doesn't even understand anything she's talking about.
ANJA: I still can't believe she accused me of being about bling bling. Me! I don't even know where the heck you go to find some bling bling.
HALLEY: Anja, just so you know, nobody's said that since before we all were born.
ANJA: Hey, don't blame me, Apple Girl said it.
ASHLEY: I'm surprised she's actually eating the apples now. Before, she would just look at them and talk about how we exploit them for pie on national holidays.
JAYLYNN: Look, I think Sanna has gone absolutely, one hundred percent cuckoo bananas, but I don't know what to do about it. She's not hurting anyone. And as long as she's not making a fool of herself in public, maybe we'll just have to live with it.
GILCANIA: Guess again, boo-boo.
JAYLYNN: Shit, what did she do?
GILCANIA: Take a look.
The girls all gather around Gilcania's phone. Cut to a shot of a video on Gilcania's phone showing Sanna sitting down Indian-style at Target yelling at everybody while surrounded by apples.
SANNA: You people don't even know what you're doing. You're pouring money into a business that doesn't care about any of you. While they walk away with millions, you're eating Pizza Hut's greasy sausage nightmare, drinking jumbo jugs of Coke, and wasting time using your phone to scan items. Go to the cashier like it used to be done!
Cut back to the girls.
ASHLEY: She's completely lost it.
JAYLYNN: I know. I can't be the only one that thinks Pizza Hut is awesome.
The girls all blankly stare at Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Right?
Cut back to the video. At that point, two security guards approach Sanna.
SECURITY: Kid, we're going to have to ask you to leave.
SANNA: You can ask me to leave, but the truth never does.
The two security guards grab Sanna and begin carrying her away while everyone cheers.
SANNA: You just don't wanna believe the truth! You don't wanna believe it! Hey, could I at least get my apples?
Cut back to the girls.
HALLEY: If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was on something.
ASHLEY: That's it. It's time to go see Catherine and tell her to leave Sanna alone. My best friend's not going to be a puppet anymore.
JAYLYNN: And if she's not cooperating, we hit her with a baseball bat.
ANJA: Can I get a weapon too?
JAYLYNN: Sure! Ashley, can me and Anja borrow some weapons?
ASHLEY: Why not? Just go check out the torture chamber in my basement.
SCENE 22
Perfetti Ice Factory
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
RK's car pulls up to the ice factory that same afternoon.
RK: Why are there so many abandoned buildings in this city?
KG: RK, are you sure this was where the guy told us to come?
RK: I'm positive. You got the money?
KG: In my pocket. You got the Cheetos?
RK: Kinda.
RK holds up a big bag of puffy Cheez Doodles.
KG: Dude, those are Cheez Doodles, not Cheetos.
RK: They didn't have those at the corner store! And they're made the exact same way, what's the difference?
KG: Whoever you give those to is going to know the difference.
RK: Whatever. Let's just take care of this and get Sparky his cat back. This is the break we've been looking for.
RK and KG walk into the ice factory and are immediately attacked by the two college guys. They are then simultaneously thrown across the floor, with their fedoras and sunglasses removed.
RK: Hey, those glasses were not knockoffs, who do you two think you are?
STRANGER #1: I think we're the ones that stole back our cat.
KG: Your cat? The hell?
STRANGER #2: That's right. We used to own Calogero until your little friend took him from us. We always said we would get him back by any means necessary, and we'll only give him up if you have the stuff.
KG: Calogero?!
RK: Wait, my cat gave birth to whatever your stupid name is. Sparky always owned him.
KG: Yeah. And hypothetically speaking, if your cat really was stolen years ago, why wouldn't you just buy a new one?
STRANGER #2: You're trying to overanalyze this whole thing!
RK: No, I think it's perfectly analyzed. You creeps think that you can just steal a kid's pet and get away with it? Well, tough luck because the Jennings Detective Agency is here to put a stop to all that.
STRANGER #1: Really? And what are you going to do about it?
KG punches the guy in the face.
KG: You're going to give my brother's friend's cat back to us.
RK: KG, what the hell?
KG: It was instinct, I just went for it.
STRANGER #2: Oh, you're gonna pay for that.
("You're Gonna Pay" by Jim Johnston plays in the background)
The kidnapper that KG punched goes after him, but RK tries to block it. The other kidnapper knees RK in the chest and the fight starts between the four guys. Santa's Little Helper watches the whole situation with confusion, eventually getting bored and resorting to licking himself. RK is manhandled during the fight, getting overpowered and outmatched. As RK gets thrown into a wall, he ends up landing near a pool cue. He hits his opponent in the groin, then the stomach, then in the head. With one kidnapper down for the count, RK leaps in the air with the pool cue and hits the other kidnapper in the head, breaking the cue in half. RK passes KG a piece of the cue, and they beat down the kidnappers with their respective pieces. At that point, the cops come in while RK tries to suffocate his opponent with the broken pool cue. The music abruptly cuts off.
POLICEMAN: What in the world is going on here?
RK: Um...wrestling with friends?
SCENE 23
Perfetti Ice Factory
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
A large crowd has gathered around the ice factory as RK, KG, and the two kidnappers are being taken away in handcuffs. Sparky, Buster, and Wade are at the front of the crowd.
WADE: Don't worry, RK! We'll bail you guys out!
KG: What about me?!
WADE: I just said "you guys," you were included in that!
POLICEMAN: All four of these guys are being taken in for questioning. You might not need to pay any bail.
SPARKY: Please don't put my friends in jail, officer. They were just cracking a case.
POLICEMAN: Of course, they were. But they did say that this little guy belongs to you.
The policeman gives Santa's Little Helper to Sparky.
SPARKY: SLH, you're back! Oh, I've missed you so much! You gain a couple pounds?
BUSTER: It's too bad RK and KG can't see this.
SPARKY: Yes, they can.
Sparky runs up to the guys in the police car.
SPARKY: Thanks, guys, for finding my cat. The JDA rules!
RK: You hear that, KG? We rule. We did it, we saved the day.
KG: Could you repeat that? I'm starting to lose all hearing in my right ear.
(The "22 Two's" instrumental plays in the background as the police car drives away.)
SCENE 24
Northgate Community Center
Interior Support Group Room
Seattle, Washington
Around the same time, the girls are confronting Catherine.
CATHERINE: Wait, I did what?!
ASHLEY: You know what you did. Before Sanna met you, she wasn't talking about consumerism or eating apples or shopping for incense. Now, she doesn't know who she is anymore.
CATHERINE: Ashley, the whole point of SMFA is for people to depend less on their phone and social networking services. I never preached about materialism. I love Pizza Hut, woo!
JAYLYNN: Okay, you're a little cool, but it's pretty obvious where Sanna got it from.
HALLEY: Yeah, I mean, why do you need to take time to breathe before you say something? No wonder Sanna's messed up.
CATHERINE: It's hereditary! And if I remember correctly, you guys wanted your friend to change. You wanted her to become more involved in life and now, she is. There's nothing I can do about her new personality.
ASHLEY: Oh my God. You're right.
ANJA: No, she's not, she knows she loves hybrid cars!
ASHLEY: She is. This is all my fault. Sanna didn't want to give up her phone until we made her, and now, we've pushed her too far. She wasn't perfect before, but she was still Sanna. I know what to do.
SCENE 25
The Qureshi Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Ashley walks into the room while Sanna is watching TV.
ASHLEY: Hey Sanna. How's it going?
SANNA: Fine, my materialistic friend. I'm going to watch a special on the History Channel later. You're welcome to join me.
ASHLEY: You know, you don't have to talk like that all the time.
SANNA: Talk like what? Ashley, I can't help who I am. I have a new purpose now, and I have you to thank.
ASHLEY: I know, and that's why I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you to change. I just didn't want you to go on Facebook so much. But now that you're like this, I have to deal with it. If this is the life you want, I can't tell you to give it up.
SANNA: So, you're saying you were wrong for making me this way?
ASHLEY: Yeah. Look, you might annoy me sometimes, but you're my best friend. I love you, and I miss the way you used to be. I just want the old Sanna back, please.
SANNA: I don't think so. The old Sanna's dead. Nobody liked her.
ASHLEY: I always did. I don't want to lose you because of something I did. I know the old Sanna's in there somewhere, and I need her in my life again.
SANNA: Okay, man, stop begging. I'll come back.
ASHLEY: Wait, what's going on here? I'm confused.
SANNA: Yeah, I won't be the new Sanna anymore. She's gone, and I'm back, so what's up?
ASHLEY: Hold on. This whole environmentalist thing was just an act? You were trying to teach me a lesson?!
SANNA: Yup. And it was exhausting. I had to read a whole book on consumerism to understand it. A book, Ashley.
ASHLEY: Why would you go this far?
SANNA: To show you that I was just fine the way I was. You guys were telling me how much better I was because of the meetings, so I just went overboard with it to annoy you.
ASHLEY: But what about that whole thing at Target?
SANNA: Oh, I kinda got carried away there. But I meant what I said about Pizza Hut. It's like diabetes in a box.
ASHLEY: You know, if you thought I was pressuring you, you could have just talked to me.
SANNA: I know. But then you guys started taking credit for me using my phone less, like I was just some idiot that you were finally able to control. I wanted to get back at you.
ASHLEY: So, now what? Are you going to go back to social media?
SANNA: Not like before. Truth is, I really like the meetings. And I'm sorry that I wasn't giving you attention before.
ASHLEY: It's okay. I guess at the end of the day, we shouldn't be trying to change each other.
SANNA: Can we hug? It just feels right.
ASHLEY: Fine, you big softie.
Ashley laughs as she and Sanna hug each other.
SANNA: But there is one thing that's been on my mind for a bit: I feel like Anja's at least partly responsible for all this.
ASHLEY: I don't think that's the way she'll see it, but okay.
Cut to black.
("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
In memory of John Singleton
January 6, 1968 - April 28, 2019