Like I said in the discription: songfic!
Song: When you say nothing at all, by Ronan Keating.
My first fanfiction. Please be gentle! But if you find mistakes please tell me! English is not my original language, so telling me what I did wrong would be great.
A very late Merry Christmas! Enjoy :D
Regina had a phase. A bad phase.
Things like this came and went as they pleased, she knew. But still, drowning in grief, bitterness, anger and sadness wasn't how she wanted to spend her days. Especially not happy days with her family.
So she had put on the fake smile, she had gotten used to over the years of hiding not being perfect, and went through it. Of course Henry and Emma noticed. They didn't say anything though, since they knew how proud she could be when it came to her depressions. She said she could deal with it, so she would. But still… it was never enough happiness, never enough new and better memories, to make her get over her past.
A word, a smell, a smell and even a single look could change her mood from unbelievable glee to being absolutely miserable. Even if now, she had a happy ending. Kind of.
A son, who loved her no matter what she did and a lover, no, a girlfriend and partner, who wasn't only savior of this town but of Regina Mills' heart too.
But she couldn't forget.
She couldn't forget, her mother hurting her all her childhood long, emotionally and physically, her father not protecting her because he was too scared, having her first love (not true love, like Emma, but you never forget your first love either) literally ripped away from her, being betrayed so many times, being forced to marry a man who never loved her, at a place where she didn't belong, where she was never good enough. She couldn't forget how she killed her own father and mother (even though Snow took a great part in that), she couldn't forget about all that hate she once felt and all the loneliness she had experienced.
And so, after everyone else had drifted off to sleep and she just couldn't find rest, she stole away from hers and Emmas bed, grabbed a bottle of apple cider, and a glass (because she still had enough dignity left, to not drink directly from the bottle, even in these moments) and settled on the couch to think.
About life and death, love and hate, past and future. She would cry when really bad memories flashed up in her mind, which she remembered like they happened yesterday.
Her mother telling her she was worthless, lifting her in the air with magic, chocking her along the way and letting her fall onto the hard ground again and again.
Daniel, confessing his love for her, telling her how ridiculous it was to have a relationship when no one knew about it, giving her the ring from the saddle, dying in front of her.
Her father, leaving her to her mother's wrath, telling her to show regret even though, it was Snow White who should be sorry, dying because she herself ripped his heart out, because he was what she loved the most.
Even Henry was there, in her dark mind and she willed it to go away, to leave her alone, because he didn't mean it. Not anymore at least. But he swears he never meant it, he was just scared and angry, but he did always love her. She knew he wasn't lying. But still… She could hear him saying that she was evil, that she was not his real mom, that he hated her, that she was a villain, that he never wanted to see her again, that…
Her thought were interrupted when she felt someone taking the left seat on the leather couch beside her. She knew it was Emma. It was always her, reaching out for her in her darkest moments.
She just sat there for a while, not saying a thing. When she reached out to touch Reginas knee, the brunette finally looked at her. The tracks of tears and watery eyes were clearly visible, but she didn't care. She didn't want to be strong. Not now. Not when Emma was there to protect her from the shadows. She definitely lit up her world and it hurt Regina to know that Emma deserved better than this. Better than her.
Emma gave her everything she could ever ask for and more. She gave her love, patience, comfort, space and most of all, she understood. Regina didn't know how, but somehow her love always knew what she needed.
Is that what true love is all about?, Regina wondered.
Knowing someone better than you know yourself? She could feel it too, what Emma, or better to say her heart, desired. Whenever she could she gave it to her, just to make her smile. And still, she felt like she could never be good enough for this pure, brave and almost selfless savior. She told Emma this. Once. It was during a particularly hard "episode". Emma had been so sad and told her over and over to never say such things ever again. She told her that she was awesome and that she was lucky to have her.
Regina wished she had kept their conversation back then between their hearts, instead of talking out loud and making Emma sad like that.
So now, she simply rested her head on her Saviors shoulder, so she could stare at the coffee table in front of them, instead of Emmas eyes. Eyes, that showed deep concern and lots of sadness. Again, she had taken Emma down. Because she wanted to help and tried to, but in the end she couldn't do too much. And it felt so good to be hold by her and the fact that she only squeezed her knee a little let Regina know that this was what Emma had planned for her to do. What she hoped she'd do.
Leaning in, seeking comfort and causing Emma pain?
Damn it! Why did she always hurt the ones she loved?
She knew that everyone she loved and everyone who ever cared about her, would suffer in the end. Like Daniel, her father, her mother, Tinkerbelle, Henry, even Snow…
That was her curse. The curse of being a villain, of being the Evil Queen. She will never have a happy ending. Not with love. Not ever.
In the beginning she thought that true love, as powerful, as it was, could save her. Prevent her from the destiny, which was chosen for her, by anyone else, except for herself. Her mother wanted her powerful, Rumple tricked her and used her for his own plans and Snows betrayal… well, the good guys are never wrong, so, she couldn't blame cute Snow, could she?
She just didn't want Regina to lose her mother too. If poor Snow had only known that she couldn't lose her mother because she didn't have one. She never had. Cora wasn't a mother, at least not until she had her heart back. And then she died…
Like she said before, everyone around her was suffering because of her.
Regina had put the heart back in Cora's chest. She did it. Not Snow White.
She would never forgive herself for that. Of course she couldn't know, and it was more the black haired princess' fault than hers, and yet, she just couldn't… she has never been good at forgiving someone. Least of all, herself. Mommy taught her that.
So, you may say about Snow whatever you want, but she did play a big part in defining Regina's destiny. And not a good one.
Too much thinking. Too much darkness.
Quickly Regina swallowed a large gulp of the cider, willing to drown the thoughts in it. It didn't work. It never did.
She sighed, knowing how stupid it was to drink alcohol when you're depressed, because it was a depressant and would not at all help her. Whatever, she thought and gulped another mouthful down. Now the glass was empty. But she was to tired and weak to get out of her comfortable position on Emmas left shoulder. And even if she wouldn't have been, Emma took her glass away and sat it on the coffee table, so Regina couldn't reach it without moving so much.
Not fair, but she was trying to help. And unlike the cider, she was able to help.
She put her right arm around the fragile woman beside her, pulling her closer. It was slow and gentle, leaving Regina the opportunity to back out. But she didn't. Her head came to rest in the crook of Emmas neck.
Regina felt the ache in her heart slowly melting away. It was a good feeling. It was relief and freedom and somehow even a win. Once again she had beaten the darkness, with Emma. Her true love.
Maybe it's going to be ok, she thought. Maybe love can help. Maybe my family can help. My. Family. She had to smile, that thought always made her smile. Even Snow White and Price Charming were now her family. It had taken some (ok, more like many) talks and there were a lot of bad words but also tears on both sides. In the and everyone admitted their mistakes and the debate ended in a hug. Which was more forced by Emma and Henry than out of free will, but hey, it was a start. Now it was friendly and family dinner wasn't a horror trip but a pleasant event everyone looked forward to.
The former queen put her hand on her girlfriends and gently rubbed her thump over the back of it. She felt Emma smile too. Jep, definitely what the blond savior had planned.
Emma wouldn't leave. She would always be right here. Even though Regina was broken and couldn't love very well. Never again would she be alone.
Well, there could be an accident that could kill her loved ones or destiny would hit again or Emma would simply die before her, what if…NO!
Stop it, she commanded herself. Nothing's going to happen!
She slowly lifted her head from Emma's shoulder to look her in the eyes. There was still sadness and grief and so much hurt that Emma could feel a lump forming in her throat. But there was also hope and joy and love and she remembered why she was smiling. They were making progress.
"I'll ask for a session with Hopper tomorrow.", Regina told her and Emma smiled. Progress indeed. They kissed and just like that they knew. They knew that it was going to be ok. That they were going to be ok.
Maybe it would never be perfect. But which fairytale really was?!
You say it best, when you say nothing at all.
Hope you liked it.
Review please!