I hope you like this.

This is a little one-shot drabble thingy that I thought would be funny. I don't claim the idea as mine, because I remember reading something like this somewhere that I don't remember.

And no, I don't own Will, or Halt, Horace, Gilan, or Alyss.

Why Do You Hate Me?

Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers,

You know you are a sick group of people.

No offense, of course – I'd never want to offend the people that have somehow been given the power to control my life. Not that you could make my life too much worse.

Don't get me wrong – most of you are very good writers. You use exciting verbs and descriptive adjectives and some of you even do research for your stories. Most of the time the story flows brilliantly and you only misspell a few words a chapter. It's good stuff. Amazing really. I'll give you that.

But why? Might I ask, why do you feel the need to injure me in unspeakable ways, physically and mentally? You threaten my friends to hurt me. Why do always have to have something bad happen to me or my friends?

Isn't it bad enough that I'm an orphan, I was bullied when young, I was injured while fighting the Kalkara, I was captured by Skandians, used as a slave, addicted to warmweed, lost in a desert, my mentor nearly died, I nearly died, my true love nearly died?

But for some reason, what has already happened to me isn't enough. You've stabbed me with swords and daggers, poisoned me, turned me traitor to my home, stolen me as a baby from the Ward, tortured me, beat me, bruised and battered me, made me an assassin, made Alyss dump me, told me lies about my friends, turned my friends against me. You have shot me with arrows, tied me up, chained me to walls, drugged me, kicked me, choked me, burned me, killed me, that's just the beginning, ther's even more.

I'm not trying to complain – really, I'm not – but is a little compassion too much to ask? I've already got the weight of the kingdom on my shoulders as it is. It really doesn't help that you people are constantly trying to kill me and torture me beyond human endurance. Have I done something wrong? Do you want me to be more manly? Do you want me to be invincible, to kick butt, take names, and never, ever come to any harm? Are you trying to make me stronger, impervious to torture? Is this some kind of test? Do you want me to come out of it more powerful than ever?

Or do you people just have a sick, twisted desire to see me in pain? Do you relish my screams? Do you roll in my tears? Is it too much to ask to demand a little slack? Perhaps a slight vacation. A trip to the spa. ANYTHING.

Why can't someone write a fan-fiction where nothing bad happens to me? I don't get hit or made fun of or trampled or drowned or strung up or flayed or crushed or even get so much as a paper cut… Can't you make a story about how I find a cute puppy and take him home with me – without the puppy turning savage and mauling me, only to have Gilan or Halt rush in, save the day, and panic over my prone body? What about one where I pick herbs for dinner – and no one, not bloodthirsty bandits, not a wild, savage beast, not even a horde of screaming fan-girls attacks me? I'd even go for a story where I get to stay in bed all day – without being sick or injured or incapacitated in any form or fashion!

Do you think you could handle that? … I thought not.

One last time, I urge you – if you love me, show me mercy! Stop making terrible, unspeakable things happen to me! Let me have one day – one minute, even – without getting pummeled or attacked or decapitated… and you READERS – stop reveling in my misery! It's just plain rude! Do you see me reveling in your pain when you stub your toe? Or when you pull a tooth?

With love and well wishes,

Hoping you'll stop trying to kill me brutally with every new chapter/story you read/write,

Your personal anger issue punching bag,

Will Treaty

And yes, I must admit, I'm a hypocrite, because I too like to hurt Will and other characters... *cackles*

Anyways,

Read and review

Even

Vultures are allowed

I'll

Eat a

Walrus if you do it

Porta-potties, please

Leave, or

Else

All my

Seagulls will fly you

Eway (Supposed to be away,)