Allen Walker is dead. Malcolm C. Leverrier had him executed for heresy. Lenalee has been brokenhearted ever since, and as Lavi walked down the Black Order's hallways looking for her, he couldn't help wonder if her feelings went deeper than grief.
He finally found her, staring out a large window at the pouring rain.
"Lenalee!" he called.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
"Hey. Come sit down and talk with me for a bit," Lavi said.
"No thanks," she said, and without looking at him, turned and started walking away.
He grabbed her hand, stopping her. "Sit. I just want to talk."
She looked back at him and smiled softly, trying to tell him she didn't need to talk. Lavi, unconvinced, raised an eyebrow and waited patiently for her to give in.
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
She sighed and tuned, knowing he wouldn't leave her alone until she got it through his head that she didn't need or want to talk. They sat with their backs to the wall, and Lavi looked at her.
"Just let me help you," he whispered.
"I don't need help."
He knew it was a lie. He felt like she was leaving, going through a door he couldn't follow her through. He started fearing what she might do, and started blaming himself for not noticing sooner. Was he too late to save her?
I can't get through to her. Why did I even bother coming? He wondered. No. He had to keep trying.
"Please…"
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up
With you all night
Had I known
How to save a life
Shit! Where had he messed up? Why hadn't he noticed sooner? He'd already lost Allen; he didn't want to lose Lenalee, too. But would the bitterness overcome her? Damn it! If he could go back in time, he would do anything to keep this from happening, even if it meant staying up all night to comfort her.
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
"Please, Lenalee…let me help you. You don't know how to get through this on your own!"
"And you do know how to get through it?" she scoffed.
"Yes! I can carry this pain with you, just let me help!"
"I don't need help!"
"Yes you do! I can see it, see it in the way you look at his picture, I can hear it in the way to cry yourself to sleep at night."
She looked stunned.
"I heard you," he hissed. "I heard you last night on my way to bed. Don't play dumb with me, Lenalee, don't try to pretend you're innocent of any pain!"
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
Pray to God he hears you
"You can't keep doing this! You can't keep bottling it up, it's not right! It's not healthy! If you keep trying to do this on your own, you'll destroy yourself! Let me help you! Let Kanda help you, let Komui help you! He's your brother, Lenalee, and he loves you more than anything! Can't you see it's tearing him apart to see you like this?"
Lavi was doing his best to hold back tears now. God damn it, why wasn't she listening? Couldn't she see she wasn't just hurting herself?
"What you're doing is wrong. How many times do I have to tell you, can't you understand you're just hurting yourself more?"
He started begging; pleading to God the she would open her ears and just hear him.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up
With you all night
Had I known
How to save a life
No, no, no, no, no! Everything was going wrong, she wasn't listening! Was he going to lose another friend to the bitter grief? Oh, if only he could turn back time!
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you followed
"Just shut up, Lavi!" Lenalee screamed. "What do you know, anyway? You're a damn Bookman; you're not even supposed to have feelings! What would you know about loving someone? Why do you even care? Remember what you said when we battled Road? 'I've never considered you guys as friends.' So why should it matter how I feel now? You don't fucking know anything!"
Lavi took a deep breath. Her words stung, but he had to keep going.
"Please Lenalee. Remember what Allen would always say? 'Never stop. Keep walking.' You've got to do that, too, Lenalee. You can't just give up. This is your last chance. You can follow the advice Allen always gave, and keep walking; keep fighting with me and Kanda and your brother and everyone else; or you can break with us and choose to be miserable for the rest of your life. Please, please don't do that to us, Lenalee."
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Lenalee sighed. "I'm sorry, Lavi, but I've changed. Nothing's the way it's supposed to be, and I'm just not the same anymore.
She stood and started walking to her room, leaving Lavi still sitting on the floor; wondering why he'd even bothered to try.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up
With you all night
Had I known
How to save a life
The next morning, he walked to her room and knocked on the door.
"Lenalee? It's time for breakfast." She didn't answer. "Lenalee? …I'm coming in."
He pushed the door open…and froze. Lenalee's lifeless body hung from a rope nailed to the ceiling, a stool underneath her feet. He walked up to her, shock still etched on his face, and he noticed a piece of paper clenched in her fist. He carefully pried it out and smoothed the note out.
Lavi,
I know you were trying to help me, but I'm sorry. I just can't live with this grief. It just hurts too much, and I don't want to burden anyone else. Forgive me, but I just can't take it.
Lavi crumpled the note up and shoved it into his pocket, tears streaming down his face. He should have known this would happen. Oh, stupid Lenalee, why didn't you understand?
Dear God, if only he'd known how to save a life.
I was inspired to write this by Kuroya-hime, who wrote something similar. She wrote hers in a modern reality thing version, and I wondered about one that was in the original Black Order universe. She gets full credit for the idea.
This fanfic is dedicated to Timothy Marmaduke, my friend Autumn's boyfriend, who committed suicide about two weeks ago. As Autumn's cell phone signature says: Rest in peace Marmaduke.