A/N: Collab between Shnuffles, riboflavinB2 and of course, Stori Booke. This is a crack!fic, as will soon be made obvious. Do not blame us for the insanity, as this idea occurred to us at three in the morning. Now, if you adore Harry Potter and refuse to read anything other than a serious fanfic, go away. Kthxbye.
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter. We don't even own the infomercial.
It was a dark and stormy night, perfect for a party. Black streamers were draped across Malfoy Manor, and black balloons were dispersed throughout the house.
Severus Snape waltzed up the walkway. No, literally – he was waltzing up the walkway. His partner was a battered old Cleansweep, and he was singing Celestina Warbeck. With a thud he danced straight into the dark wood of the front door. He stepped back and shook his head, momentarily stunned. He quickly composed himself and glared at the broom. "That was your fault," he told his dance partner angrily. "You stepped on my foot. How dare you!" In a sudden flash of anger he snapped the dilapidated twig in half and threw it into a nearby bush of Dirigible Plums.
With a squeak, Luna Lovegood poked her head out of the bush, rubbing her head at the same time. "You killed the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!" Snape stared at her for a moment before dismissing this hallucination and knocking sharply on the door. He heard a high-pitched squeal as none other than Bellatrix Lestrange opened the door wearing her most festive black party dress. Yes, the one with the pumpkins.
"Sev Sev!" she shouted in a strangely high-pitched voice. "You came!" She looked even more demented than usual. In her left hand she clutched a large black balloon. As he watched, she raised the balloon to her lips and bit a small piece out of the rubber. After successfully puncturing it, she inhaled deeply. "We were all so worried you wouldn't make it!" The helium made her sound quite similar to a sick banshee. "Won't you come in?"
With an enthusiastic smile and some speedy clapping, Snape giggled, "Oh goody goody gumdrops! I love parties!" He followed her into the house, occasionally breaking out into a high-speed salsa dance.
Bellatrix stepped back into the front room, and after taking another swig of helium, she shouted, "Sevvie's here!" This statement was met with catcalls from Yaxley in the kitchen and whooping from Dolohov in the living room.
Narcissa called from the sitting room, "Bella, we're singing karaoke! Your favorite song is coming up next!" Bellatrix squealed with delight and dashed in. She grabbed the microphone from Rowle, who immediately burst into tears at being parted from his bad romance (he was a horrible singer). With a manic smile, Bellatrix started singing at the top of her lungs:
"Voldy come back! You can blame it all on Harry.
He was wrong and we just can't kill without you."
The glorious rendition was interrupted by a shout from the kitchen. "Come over here everyone! The cake's ready," shouted the miraculously normal-pitched voice of Yaxley. This miracle was explained by the balloon he was holding behind his back. When the Death Eaters joined him in the kitchen he proudly presented his masterpiece. The cake was in the shape of the Dark Mark and read in green letters: "The Ministry has fallen, YIPEE!" Yaxley beamed at it as though it was the greatest thing ever. Which, of course, it was. "Dig in," he told them, positively quivering with excitement.
All the party guests took a piece of the beautiful cake and began to nibble at the rock-hard icing. Lucius Malfoy put down his fork and glanced over at Yaxley. "Yaxley," he said curiously, "I heard some strange noises in here while you were baking. They seemed to be coming from the television."
Yaxley blushed. "Oh, it was nothing, Malfoy. An infomercial came on and I only watched for a moment." Lucius raised an eyebrow and with a flick of his wand he turned the television set on.
"Call in the next two minutes to get your ten-disc set of Body and Soul music." Various song titles scrolled across the screen. Some of titles were Pillow Talk, Turn Off the Lights, Groove Me, and Close the Door.
Voldemort stared at the television set in astonishment and said in a slow voice, "I have been corrupted." Yaxley, however, was quickly punching in the number on his cell. Voldemort rolled his eyes, abruptly over his corruption, pointed his wand at Yaxley, and shouted, "Expelliarmus!" Apparently this spell didn't just work on wands. Yaxley watched as his brand new Blackberry flew out of his hand and crashed into tiny pieces on the tile. Most of the Death Eaters were shocked that Voldemort knew non-fatal magic.
The silence, which was rapidly becoming awkward, was broken by the voice of Beyonce. "All the single ladies, all the single ladies!" Snape reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out his cell. He grinned as he looked at the calendar alert, afterwards turning away from the company and retreating into a dark corner. "It's my angst time," he said as an explanation. The other Death Eaters nodded because it was, after all, a perfectly normal thing to do.
Draco Malfoy chose that moment to walk into the room. He was staring intently at his feet and muttering "right, left, right, left" repeatedly.
Narcissa looked up as her son entered the room. "Drakey-poo, what are you doing up so late?"
Draco went pink and said, "I always get up at this time to watch my infomercials!" This statement was met with many blank stares.
Unable to stand the tension, Voldemort stood and addressed his followers. "Well chaps, it's been fun, but I've got to go mug some Muggles."
A/N 2.0: The sad thing is we actually saw the infomercial. *shudder* We hope you all enjoyed this fic, or at least were not too disturbed. Please leave us a review. We'd love to hear if you liked the story, hated it, or think we need to be locked away for the sake of other humans ('But I'm an alien!' 'Shut up, riboflavinB2.'). Thanks for reading. :)