Disclaimer: I don't own D.N. Angel, it's characters,
settings, any related themes, etc… I'm a fan... ;]
For all it takes
"…I wanted to suppress him forever… I wanted to… be with her."
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"Don't hold anything dear to you; KILL yourself that he may not awaken!"
These words haunt every day of my life, much more now that it could help me no more. I regret being careless.
To let that emotion slip away from my stone-clad heart was the biggest blunder I've ever committed in my entire life. She was ordinary, and in fact, sometimes annoying. Stubborn, childish, and, should I say, spoiled. However, she has introduced to me the most incomprehensible case of irony; she was all these, but still, I was charmed. I fell for her.
Taking the above-mentioned into consideration, the biggest mystery remains as what could've been the reason why I have developed affection for her. Her smile, perhaps? But neither smiles nor tears have meant a thing to me—not for about a decade or so. Hers might have been special, then. It was my most irrational desire, yet it also serves as my most vital necessity to keep my sanity.
She is my only whim; the only one I've ever longed for. She is the only one who has the power to get me out of my league. And it is because of her that I wanted to suppress him forever… I wanted to… be with her. And, ironically, it's for this desire that I can't be with her, for he lives within me to kill my subjects for affection. He lives… to take my life and my identity away from me.
It is because of his existence that I suffer. Or, I may say, perhaps my very existence is burden to itself. After all, he and I are one. Without me, he is nothing… and without him, she could be safe. Without him, she could be in perfect peace. Without him? That could mean "without me" as well, right? In any case, I couldn't just depend on my struggling to restrain him for good. I couldn't take any chances when her safety is at stake.
Right now, while she sleeps quietly in my arms, I can't rest my anxiety away, for he might suddenly take over me and hurt her as he pleases. I must leave… but she has got me locked up. I can't move a limb. Her power is just too much resist. I want to stay like this for the longest time I can… even if that might mean having to sacrifice… myself.
I'm staring at her at my heart's delight. What an angel. I caressed her hair, then her face, gently that I may not wake her. She is very fascinating. So fascinating that… oh, I must leave! My heart is beating quite loudly that he might notice! But on the irony, I can't even turn my eyes away… and the next thing I knew, my weakness has gotten over the good of me—I was stealing a kiss from her gentle lips... I immediately resisted and turned away. But it's too late. I saw her auburn eyes slowly light up and cast its magic upon me. Then, I heard her call my name so softly "Hiwatari-kun..?"
I was stunned and I felt my heartbeat racing. Darn it! This isn't good! He might—"AH!" I came crashing to the floor, he's awake and he wants to take me over! "HIWATARI, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" I heard her screaming in fright and anxiety… and soon, I can't even understand what she was saying. She came running to my side as I was struggling, and I saw the fright in her eyes when she saw different eyes than mine staring at her like a sadist. "Run…" I struggled to say. I saw her tears drown her eyes. I know she wasn't listening to what I'm saying. She held me with her gentle hands and planted a sweet kiss on my lips. It was a like a reverie to me… but I can't stay in this heavenly trance for long; I can't let her stay for another second near me. My body's becoming numb, I suppose he has taken control of most of it, and, alas! I just saw my right hand fly into the air with a dagger, ready to take her life. I gathered whatever strength I could muster and pushed her away. I know it was a painful way to save her, but I can't let her die. So instead, I took the cold blade's thrust to myself. I know it pierced through my skin, but I felt nothing—I've gone numb. The pain of having to leave her is more unbearable. The image of her grieving her heart out in front of me is starting to blur. She came to catch me as I fell to the ground and held me tight in her arms. I inhaled the last lungful of air I can and whispered right in her ears the words I've always wanted to shout to the world… the words I've always longed to reach her ears… and now finally…
"I love you…"
I closed my eyes… and henceforth, I'm by her side as I've always dreamt… even so I may not hold her, at least it means he can't hurt her either.
The end.
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A/N: The first line "Don't hold anything dear..." is taken from the manga itself. It was actually the very basis and inspiration of the story. Hope you enjoyed.;]
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