Disclaimer: I own the rights neither to
Star Wars nor to Harry Potter.
Star Wands
By
Runt Thunderbelch
Chapter One: The Boy Who Limped
The Dursley family of No. 4 Wasteland Road wanted to have nothing to do at all with the Great Galactic Rebellion, thank you very much.
Vernon Dursley was a farmer, at least in theory. He'd go out to his dusty fields everyday looking for a sprig of green anywhere, and would trudge home in the evening wishing he'd purchased land which had at least a few drops of water. Aunt Cactus Flower would be waiting for him in kitchen with his dinner of overcooked food stamps (which tasted horrible, by the way). They had one son, whose name they thought was Dudley, or Donald, or Devon, something starting with a "D" anyway.
And then there was Harry. Harry Potwalker. He wasn't their kid. They weren't too sure where he'd come from. Let this be a lesson to you: Don't do drugs.
CRASH! BANG! THUD!
"Uncle Vernon!" shrieked Harry. "The sky is falling! A piece of it just hit me on the toe!"
The fat man waddled out into his desolate front yard. "What are you on about?"
"Why does Harry get to have a piece of sky hit him on the toe?" whined Dilbert (or maybe Dimwittie). "I wanna have a piece of the sky hit me on the toe too! I want two pieces of the sky hit me!"
Harry was limping in circles muttering, "Ow, ow, ow."
Uncle Vernon was peering upwards. "Looks like some kind of space battle going on up there."
۞
Fred and George Weasley crouched in the corridor of the fleeing starship.
"Did you hear that?"
"They've shut down the main reactor!"
"We're doomed."
A group of witches and wizards ran by, wands at the ready. Fred and George saw which way they were going and quickly lit off in the opposite direction.
The witches and wizards took up positions near the main entryway. They aimed their wands and chanted incantations which set up overlapping charms of protection. They were sure nothing could get through these shield spells.
The main hatch blew away as if had been no more than a dust mote in a supernova. In charged heavily armored Death Eaters. They pointed their wands. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
The witches and wizards dropped dead.
In strode the dark and ominous figure of Darth Snape. He held up a small vial. "Potion? Would anyone care for some potion? I made it myself."
One of the Death Eaters informed him. "They're all dead, Lord Snape."
"Dead? But I have this delicious potion that . . . Oh well. What's done is done. Round up some prisoners for me, please? Live ones this time."
۞
"George? George?" Fred was looking around for his twin brother. "George?" A door slid open, and he espied George and Princess Hermione locked in some kind of an . . . euuuu!" He ducked back outside, pretending he'd seen nothing.
A few minutes later, George emerged. "Come on!"
"That was disgusting. I saw what you two were doing."
"What? We weren't doing anything. She was giving me some schematics. You and I are going on a secret mission."
"What secret mission?"
"Come on!" George ran off down the passageway.
Fred followed. When he caught up to George, his twin already had the hatch to one of the escape pods open.
"Look at this," said George. He pulled out a sheet of parchment and touched it with his wand. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The blank sheet of parchment suddenly showed the complicated blue prints of a massive battle station.
"What have you got there?"
"It's Lord Voldemort's latest evil plot. He's building this thing. It can destroy entire worlds! We have to stop him." George tapped to parchment again. "Mischief managed." The schematics disappeared. Then George grabbed his brother and shoved him into the escape pod.
"Wait!" cried Fred as George climbed in after him. He pulled out his invisibility cloak and spread it over both of them. "Okay, let's go!"
George triggered the release.
Aboard the imperial cruiser, a gunner targeted the plummeting escape pod.
"Save your ammunition," said the sensor officer next to him. "There're no life forms aboard."
۞
Death Eaters brought Princess Hermione before the Dark Lord.
"Darth Snape," she sneered. "Only you would be so bold. The Ministry of Magic will not stand still for this."
"Don't act so innocent, Miss Granger," sneered Snape. "You weren't on any mercy mission this time. A scroll of top secret information was smuggled aboard this ship."
"I am a member of the Ministry of Magic on a diplomatic mission to Hogwarts . . ."
"You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a spy. Take her away!"
۞
"Wait a minute," mumbled Fred as the escape pod hurdled down towards the desert planet below. "Did you say that Lord Voldemort is behind this? I thought he was dead."
"Oh, he got better in a sequel. He's back now."
"No, I'm pretty sure he isn't back yet. I think he's still dead."
"It's all because of the way the Dark Side warps time and space. Things get really confusing."
"What are you talking about?"
"Have your tried counting . . . in Roman numerals?"
"What?"
"Go ahead. Try and count."
"IV, V, VI, I, II, III. So what's your point?"
"Look out!" The escape capsule hit the ground, bounced once, came down again, and split wide open, spilling the twins out onto the hot, desert sand.
"Ow! Hey, this really hot! We have to find shelter and water quickly, or we'll die. Let's go this way."
"No, let's go this way."
"No, this way."
"This way."
"I'm not going that way. I'm going this way."
"I'm not going there. This is the right way."
"You go your way. I'll go mine."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Fine."
۞
"That scroll with the secret plans is not on board, Lord Snape."
A second Death Eater reported, "An escape pod was jettisoned down to the planet surface. Sensors indicated there were no life forms aboard."
Darth Snape pondered. "She must have put the schematics inside. Send a suicide squad down to retrieve it and then set course to return to the fleet."
"Aren't we going to wait for the suicide squad to return?"
"They're a suicide squad. They're not supposed to return."
۞
Fred came upon what had been a desert oasis. Beside it was a sign which read: "Last water, 500 miles." But the lake in the middle had filled up with sand decades ago, and all the greenery had long since died out.
"This is all George's fault. He tricked me into going this way. But he'll fare no better." Fred looked up when the glint off the windshield of a distant flying car flashed in his eyes.
"I'm saved!" he shouted. "Over here! OVER HERE!"
۞
Under the grueling twin suns, George Weasley stumbled along, overwhelmed by the unrelenting desert heat. His lips were chapped and split open; his freckled skin was sunburnt and blistered; his mouth would give anything for a drop of pumpkin juice.
"Ooooh, look wha' we 'ave 'ere," grumbled an evil-sounding voice in front of him. "A gen'leman tha's los' 'is way, I'd say. Oh, 'e's a bi' of all righ', 'e is."
George tried to focus his eyes against the glare reflecting off the sand. It looked like a house elf. But usually, house elves were cheerful and friendly. This one looked like twelve kinds of bad news.
"Creature?"
"Ooh, 'e knows us, 'e does. But who cares? 'E's all alone ou' 'ere. No' a good place to be. No' a good way to be."
"Creature, have you got anything to drink?"
Creature forced a smile. "I go' some'ing be''er than a drink, young mas'er. Come 'ere and 'ake a look."
George took a wary step forward, and suddenly everything went black.