Sometimes I can't help but look at you and see an innocent child, grown up too fast, too soon. A gentle curve of your lips as you tilt your head towards the night sky and close your eyes, the cool breeze playing with the dark indigo-black curls on your head - I can't tear away my own eyes, usually ice-cold and fixed in a hard glare, but now filled with a reserved softness. But then I remember the dangerous grace of your body and the fierce golden of your eyes, the sharp pointy fangs and a devious smile on thin blue lips. You are a fighter, just like any of us. You have the full rights to be on this team, even more then others. I truly do not know how you manage to balance between your place here and what's deep inside, the faith you keep talking about.
And then I think no one, not any one of us is protected against the outside, the things we have to face every day. We are holding this world, and yet if one of us crumbles..well too bad. There is always gonna be someone who can take that empty space and fill it with something supposedly unique, but in reality - these kids are all the same. Fighting for the same thing, not even sure why they are doing it. Yeah, they say otherwise, but it doesn't take me a lot to see what's behind those different eyes. So many doubts, confusions and desires.
You, on the other hand.. I never could figure you out, Elf. Sometimes I think you are either deaf or blind, but then you go and prove me wrong. And yet you still cling to your own ways, always seeking for hope, accepting every excuse they give you, forgiving, trying to right the wrong. How the heck do you manage to fight them, and yet have such a big, open heart, ready to accept, to understand? I'll never know.
I guess that's what made me look at you twice. You know, they say that opposites attract. I have to admit you annoyed (and you still do) me on more then one occasion when you first came here - just remember the incident in the Danger Room, when I snapped and almost got you with my claws.
But then you sorta grew on me. You were good company, never judging things by their looks and saying the right things at the right time. You got me smiling - not an amused smirk or a sneer, but a genuine smile.
And that time when you met me at the bar, I still can't stop thinking about it. You did not pity, neither chastise me. You simply stated the bold truth that I was afraid to face, and you made me dig deeper inside my wounds to find the answer.
I don't think (or maybe I just don't remember) I ever had a friend who made me play tag outside in the woods. Christ, (oh, I just know you'd say not to take that name in vain, if you could only get inside my head) why did it take such a big thing to realize that I depend on you (probably more than you do on me)? I remember the panic rising up my throat when I saw you motionless, wounded and with fluttering eyelids threatening to come down and completely close off your beautiful eyes. The anger and the maddening need to protect you from anyone, anything, even my teammates.
- Hey, Elf.
- Hmm? - you turn my away and I can see that sweet smile playing on your lips, and the yellow of your eyes ablaze with something I can't quite place or describe for that matter.
- C'mere, will ya?
A barely audible chuckle, but I hear it none the less - even now, in the dead of the night and in relative safety of the Institute grounds, my senses stay as keen as ever.
He walks my way and stops short of half a step, eyes narrowing down into slits and the tips of white fangs showing in a mischievous smile.
- What? - I questioningly raise my eyebrow and wonder just what the hell is he so happy about.
- Oh, nothing.
- Yeah right, as if I believe ya.
He has me transfixed with that hypnotizing yellow of his very-cat-like orbs and I slacken, instantly paying for it when I almost jump on the spot. The little sneak got his tale around my ankle, slowly creeping up under the denim of my well-worn jeans.
Now its my turn to grin, albeit in a more sinister way.
Now he's not getting away.
Taking advantage of his slightly bend posture, I reach up and grab him by the collar of his black uniform, not caring who might see and crushing our lips together so hard I hear teeth cluttering. He gasps and instinctively tries to push away, but I now have a firm hold on his left wrist, and after a couple of seconds he eases up and responds, just as eager as I am. It's angry and bruising at first, almost desperate, and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to him, to pull him in the dark depth as a drowning man would do. I can't let go of him, not anymore. In a really selfish, twisted way, I can't let go of him.
But God, he is so much better then me, he deserves so much more. It just ain't fair, now is it? But life's never fair.
I finally pull him down and slowly ease onto the cool grass, never stopping kissing those soft, warm lips. Kurt straddles my waist, his tail letting go of my ankle to softly swish behind him in a form of agitation, a contained yet desperate need.
Sometimes I feel so dirty. Kurt, my Elf, so devoted to someone I've never seen and yet shutting Him off just to be here, with me. I know you make up reasons and try to convince yourself that this is not wrong, that it can't be wrong.
I don't see it as wrong, but your faith says otherwise.
We both know it, but here you are, alive and breathing and responding to me like there is no tomorrow. And maybe there isn't.
But whatever comes tomorrow, we might just as well forget. Because right now, you are the only one that matters, you are the only one who can ground me.
And I will never say this to you, but you must know - I love you.