Did I love Craig? It had felt like it, until I saw that bracelet on Manny's wrist and all the dreaded fears came to full blown life, like vampires or zombies in those movies, like some monster that was coming for me. He bought her that bracelet for Christmas and he bought me gifts for Christmas and it was beyond horrible.
Maybe I did love him because his betrayal hurt me more than I've ever felt hurt. It felt like a physical pain, like stabbing in my chest. Sometimes it was just this ache, this dull throbbing hole that all my cells were shriveling away from. He was gone. Even though he was still in school and in my classes he was gone, he was as far away as if he was in Japan.
I hated it that I had to see him in school everyday but I liked it, too. I liked narrowing my eyes at him and ignoring him and talking about what a jerk he was in a voice just a little too loud so he would overhear. I liked staring him down in the hall and seeing that ashamed look in his eyes. I liked making him look down. He had hurt me and that gave him power, but I was the one hurt and now I had power. I was right and he was wrong. I was good and he was bad.
But at home, away from him, I missed him. I missed what we had and what we were to each other, or at least I missed what I thought we had and what I thought we were to each other. And I was so angry with him. How could he? How could he do that to me?
I wouldn't have done that to him. I wouldn't have let him down like that. And I was sick of making excuses for him. Maybe he wasn't good with relationships and trust because of his parents. Because his mother was dead and his father was abusive, maybe that had damaged him in some way. Well, I didn't care. That didn't excuse him. Nothing did.
Anger, sadness, longing. These were my emotions. Now I was damaged, too. Now I'd been hurt. I knew it would happen. I knew that having relationships meant opening myself up to hurt. Did I think I'd marry Craig? Did I think we'd live happily ever after? Of course I did, on some level I thought that. Then reality reared its ugly little head and bit me with its sharp teeth, little fangs.
Then along came the battle of the bands. I would systematically destroy him. He said I was good at writing lyrics, that I was a good writer. He hadn't seen it yet. I'd turn that talent against him. He'd know how he hurt me.
I couldn't help a little smile during the tryouts. They were up there and the song was alright but there were no lyrics. Did little Craig have writer's block? I had the opposite. I couldn't contain it. It poured out of me in bitter little poems, in jaded songs, in satirical short stories. I sat there and smiled and stared at him, but he wasn't looking. He had his head down as he played the notes on his guitar. Still, he was so cute, so, so something. He had that messy curly hair, those wide shoulders, soft faded clothes, his eyes…damn it. I hated that the worst, worst of all. I hated when I still wanted him, when I longed for him to kiss me, touch me, when I longed to hear his scratchy sexy voice in my ear, feel his breath on my neck…
Our turn. I felt like Paige and Ellie and Hazel were all in this with me, that they supported me and were against Craig on general principal, and as we passed them Paige said, "this song, it has lyrics," in her perfect queen bitch Paige voice, and I saw Craig wince slightly. Up on the stage and it felt so good to wail it out, to let that pain come out and into the air, and my voice was better than his. I knew it. My lyrics were better, my voice was better, I'd beat him. I'd win, once and for all. I wished he had never messed with me, toyed with me, shredded my emotions to oblivion.
The next morning I was in the computer lab with my girls and who marches in? Craig makes a bee line for me, his eyes narrowed in frustration and anger this time. I smile to myself but outside I play it cool. Oh yeah. So cool.
He slams his bag down next to me and leans over, and I can hear his breathing, I can smell his cologne.
"Those lyrics…" he starts, and I see Ellie and Paige staring at him, the little smiles on their faces.
"Self centered Craig thinks that song was about him," I say, and I give him my best dirty look. I want to scream at him, 'get away from me! Take your stupid cologne and your stupid betrayal and get out of here!'
"So vain," Ellie says, clever Ellie with her old song references, and I almost giggle and blow it all.
"Look, if you do that song at the competition I'll, I'll…" Lost, so lost. Stuttering, and I used to find that slight stutter of his sexy, too.
"You'll what? Sleep with more grade nines?" I said, and I felt that vicious pleasure that twisting the knife brings to you.
"If you weren't such a prude I never would have been with Manny in the first place," he says, twisting a knife of his own. Slamming it into me, and I thought back to Paige's party and how he told Spinner our plans. I didn't want to play this game anymore. And then Simpson yelled at us and broke it up and Craig left, and I felt his absence. I felt alone.