You're Not A Monster
By. SadieAnnabethMellark
Summary: "I'm a monster! I deserve to die!" Remus needs Sirius' help. And Sirius needs Remus's help.
Disclaimer: I'm just another one of those average people who don't, unfortunately, own Harry Potter. Sorry to get your hopes up.
To Shaun...thanks for asking me to Homecoming! I'd love to go with you, but...you're a little late. Homecoming was two days ago.
February 23, 1977
Rolling over onto his back, Sirius Black snapped open his eyes. It was odd for him to be up at this time of night, especially since moments before he had been deep in the clutches of slumber. He rubbed his grey eyes tiredly and tried to wake himself. It seemed, as of recently, that he had started becoming a light sleeper. Well, at least during the weeks of the full moon. Normally, he slept so heavily that nothing, not even ice water, would wake him until he was ready to be up.
He sat up in his bed and stretched slightly. Maybe this was his inner dog, preparing him for the upcoming full moon in a few days. It would be his first helping Moony to keep from hitting and scratching himself, and to say he was excited and a little worried was an understatement. He was counting down the days until he would finally be able to sneak out of the castle to help keep his werewolf friend in line, but he was also fretting, though he didnt show it. He didn't want Remus to think he was scared of him. He wasn't. But, his parents warning from his childhood also kept coming to mind. Werewolves, they had said, are dirty half breeds and will eat you alive as soon as they lay eyes on you. They are heartless. They have no soul.
Sirius shook his head to rid him of those thoughts. Moony was no half breed. He did have a heart, a big one in fact, and his soul, Sirius swore, was probably cleaner than his. Remus was simply, just that, Remus. Even if he did have a furry little problem. Thinking of his friend, he glanced over to the bed next to his. Not even ten feet away, lay Remus Lupin, his sandy blonde hair drenched with sweat as he writhed in his bed, mumbling something that Sirius couldn't make out. A nightmare. Sirius could tell that Moony had these in the days leading up to and the few days after the full moon normally by the dark circles under his eyes the whole week of the full moon.
He rubbed his face once more as he kicked off his covers and pulled himself out of his warm bed. Even with the dorm's heater running full blast, the February chill still seeped in through the walls and made the stone floors cold at night. As soon as his feet touched the cold stone, his feet seemed to scream at the injustice of having to leave the nice warm sheets, but he ignored them as he stumbled his way over to Moony, his friend being more important than the warmth of the sheets.
"Moony." He shook Remus' shoulder, trying to wake him, "Moons, come on, wake up." Remus, being the lightest sleeper of the group, stirred as he shook his shoulder once more, and then opened his eyes with a sharp gasp.
Remus sat bolt up right, just barely missing Sirius' head, breathing in sharp gasps. He took a small step back so he could see Remus' face, which had streams of tears rolling down his cheeks.
"You alright, Moons?" Sirius asked as he softly settled down on the side of Moony's bed next to him. Remus quickly wiped the noticeable tears as he turned to face his friend.
"Padfoot?" He asked sleepily as he eyed Sirius with wide blue eyes, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong with me." Sirius told him, "But there's something wrong with you. Nightmare?"
Remus sniffled and wiped his eyes once more, "I'm fine." He told his friend shakily.
"You sure?" Sirius asked as he placed a hand on his friends shoulder. Grey eyes met blue ones as he and Remus looked at each other.
And from that glance, Remus seemed to crack. More tears fell from his eyes as he hugged himself.
"I'm a monster." He mumbled to himself, thinking his friend couldn't hear him. Sirius sighed to himself. He hated when Remus thought of himself as a monster. It was bad enough that the world thought of him that way, he didn't need to believe it himself.
"You're not a monster." Sirius reassured as he looked Remus right in the eyes.
"I am. I am."
"No you're not."
"I am. They told me so." Remus cried.
"Who told you?" Sirius asked as he scooted closer to the sobbing boy.
"They did. They were chasing me. They told me I deserved to die for being a half-"
"Don't call yourself that." Sirius told his friend firmly as he grabbed both of his shoulders. Remus hiccuped out a sob as he looked into the soft caring eyes of one of his best friends.
"But that's what I am. I'm a half breed. I'm a monster, Sirius. I deserve to die."
Sirius stared hard into his mate's eyes as he tried not to shake the boy, "Don't say that Moons."
"It's true." Remus cried.
"No it's not. You're just Moony. Just Remus. You're not a half breed or a monster. And you don't deserve to die. You're the smartest person in school and one of the most accomplished wizards in our year. You just have a furry little problem." Sirius soothed. Remus shook his head dejectedly.
"Don't shake your head at me, Remus Lupin." Sirius stated firmly, "I know what I'm talking about. I'm sure of it. My maurader senses are telling me I'm right, so I must be." He smiled slightly as Remus gave a watery laugh.
"I think there are some things marauder senses can't be sure of." Remus whispered with a small smile as he sniffled.
Sirius returned the smile with one of his own, "Whatever you say Moons. But I'm right. You know I'm right."
Remus snorted at his friend, "In you're dreams Padfoot." And then by a way of telling his friend he was done talking, Remus slid down in his bed and rolled onto his side, away from Sirius.
Sirius sighed slightly before whispering, "Goodnight, Moony."
"Night Padfoot." was the last thing heard before the room was completely silent once more.
June 8, 1995
Remus could hear the harsh thick sobs before he was even fully awake. Rolling onto his back, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. That was Sirius. He knew it was. After all, they were the only two in the house. The Weasley's would be arriving next week and Ms. Hermione Granger would be arriving the week after that. So for now it was just them. Two old friends who were still trying to figure out where they stood. Remus tried to ignore the sobs and go back to sleep, since he knew Sirius didn't like anybody to see him cry. Remus could only remember Sirius crying twice in their many years of friendship. The first time when he had read the letter saying that Mr. And Mrs. potter had been murdered. The second time being when Harry was born and Sirius held him in his arms for the first time. Everybody had cried when Harry was born come to think of it.
He stared at the ceiling, trying to block out the hurt filled sobs, of what he was sure was a nightmare, that came from the room across the hall. Sirius had been through so much. He needed his space. Remus knew he did. But those sobs. They even sounded painful to release. It couldn't hurt to just look in on his friend. Could it?
Before he could change his mind, his arms flipped back the sheets and he rolled out of bed with a soft groan. As he walked to the door, he stretched his arms over his head, trying to get the kinks out of his neck and back. He missed the days when he didn't groan every time he got out of bed.
Now out in the hallway, he made his way softly across the hall to the dark mahogany door with the dull silver name plate that had Sirius Acturus Black writing on it in emerald green paint. First he leaned against the door, pressing his ear against the thick wood. Sirius was still screaming out sobs of agony. Remus shut his eyes for a moment. How could he have ever believed that Sirius had sold Lily and James to Voldemort. Sirius Black was to loyal to do something like that. To loyal to the Mauraders. To loyal to Dumbledore. To loyal to James, do even think about doing that. But he thought you were the spy, a voice in the back of his mind whispered. Remus shook that thought off. It didn't matter. Sirius still paid more than he had for trusting that rat.
Opening his eyes again, he gentle grasped the silver doorknob and twisted it as he pushed against the door lightly. He opened the door just a crack, just enough to see the inside of the room with one eye. Sirius, still dressed in his dark jeans and one of the t-shirts he had worn frequently as a teenager, was slumped up against the headboard of his bed, with his knees pulled to his chest so he was curled into a ball. His too long dark curls fell around his face like a curtain, but Remus could tell that Sirius was sobbing into the tops of his knees as he rocked slightly.
Remus' gut twinged. Sirius was so different, but yet scarily the same after Azkban. Maybe Azkban had done something more to Sirius, than the man had liked to admit, in the mental area. Sirius hardly cried before Azkban. Sirius was always one to be there with a good joke or a sarcastic comment. He loved to be the center of attention. He was so...happy. Now he was the opposite and it was hard, because it still felt like Sirius was gone to Remus. Sure, Sirius was in the house with him and they ate together all the time and they worked together. But Sirius wasn't Sirius anymore. He was a changed man and Remus couldn't help but miss the Sirius Black he had use to know.
Pushing the door open a little more, he poked his head into the dark room. Sirius' head snapped up to look at him, his grey eyes wide and overflowing with tears.
"Sorry if I woke you." Sirius sobbed, "I'll put a silencing charm-"
"Don't." Remus told his friend as he pushed the door open more and slipped inside, closing the door behind himself, "Okay?"
"I'll be okay, Remus." Sirius sniffled, there being a small break between sobs. Remus moved closer to the bed, looking down at his old friend with big soft blue eyes.
"Okay?" He asked again. Sirius, his grey eyes dull and full of sadness, stared into Remus' eyes, nodding his agreement. Remus slowly sat down on the bed next to his friend, putting an arm around his shaking shoulders.
That small act seemed to send Sirius into another fit full of sobs. Remus could vaguely hear many words being uttered out of Sirius's mouth, but he couldn't understand what his friend was saying. So he just sat there and he rubbed his Sirius' arm, trying to bring some comfort as his friend bawled.
"I'm a monster Moony!" He finally screamed through his sobs as he jerkily wiped his tears away with his fist. This Remus understood loud and clear.
"No you're not." He spoke with a calm tone, not wanting to upset his friend even more.
"I am." Sirius insisted as he turned to face his friend, "I am."
"No you're not."
"I'm a monster, Moons. They keep telling me. They keep yelling it at me." Sirius sobbed as he hid his face in his hands.
With a small sigh, Remus asked, "Who keeps telling you?"
"Lily." Sirius mumbled quietly, "Harry."
"Sirius you know they don't-"
"JAMES!" Sirius sobbed, "They keep telling me. They keep screaming it at me. They say that I'm the reason their dead and that they can't be together as a family. Their right. I'm a monster I deserve to die."
"Pads," Remus tried to soothe, "don't say that. It's not true."
"It is true. It is. It is."
"No it's not, Pads. It's that rats fault. It's Voldemort's fault. But it's not you're fault. You're innocent Sirius. And because you're innocent you don't deserve to die. You did what you thought was best and at the end of the day, that may have been the choice that kept Harry alive."
Sirius shook his head in disagreement, "You're wrong Moony."
"You know James and Lily would rather be dead and have their son live than have it be the other way around. So don't shake you're head at me, Sirius Black. My marauder senses are tingling. Their telling me I'm right, so I must be. After all, marauder senses never fail. Remember that." Remus squeezed his friends shoulders as Sirius continued to sob.
Remus continued to sit with Sirius in silence until his friend's tears lessened and his sobs became hiccups and then sniffles. Sirius became more and more tired as time passed on, his crying taking energy out of him.
"You need sleep." Remus stated as he looked over his friend. Sirius just nodded sleepily, tears still streaming down his face as he sniffled. And with that, Remus stood from the bed and stretched as Sirius took his friend's advice and slid down the bed into a laying position.
"Good night, Pads." Remus whispered as he moved quietly towards the door, "Sweet dreams."
"Good night, Moons." Was the whispered reply.
When Remus was almost to the door, Sirius spoke again.
"Hey Moony?"
"Yeah?"
"There are some things marauder senses can't be sure of." And with that soft sleepy snores started filling the room.
THE END
A/N:(Hey, everybody! Here's another one-shot for y'all. I got this idea and I have been working on it all weekend. I loved writing this story, and I hope you all enjoy reading it. I have to say though, that I am kinda disappointed that "Invisible's" new chapter only received seven reviews. My last chapters I have been getting a lot of reviews and in the two weeks or so that the new chapter has been posted, I have only received seven. I know I sound really whinny, but it loved reading your reviews and I want you to tell me what you think. Anyways, if you haven't already, click my pen name and go to my profile to check out my other stories. Also click favorite and follow and leave a review. Those emails make my day. Over and out. Love you. S.A.M.)