Hello people of Fanfiction! I am back to The Outsiders fandom after being MIA for about a year. I could slap myself, how could I leave a fandom so great and full of wonderful people?

Moving on, I came up with this idea after struggling with coming to terms with my own sexuality and I am fully awiare that in the 60's, gays were not always accepted like they are now. And I have BIG ideas coming for later chapters so stay tuned and don't let this chapter turn you off! Leave reviews and brighten my life :)

I own nothing but this fanfic.

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Tears silently dripped from his dark brown eyes down his cheeks.

"I'm so disgusting," he thought to himself.

He's said that to himself over and over. He started to claw at his arm where the scabs and scars from self-inflicted wounds were decorated. He badly wanted to take the knife and cut into his skin until he bled out.

"What the hell is wrong with me?!" The internal question he screamed was always answered with bitter silence.

Sodapop Curtis was a very unhappy person deep down. Struggling for years to cope with the painful loss of his parents and his own personal problems- both external and internal. At just 17 years old, he was reaching his breaking point.

Sodapop used to be the happy-go-lucky teenager. The one who could get drunk on life and whose eyes were filled with love and laughter.

But that Sodapop was dead.

Now he only pretended to be happy. It was all fake. Behind his mask was a completely different person. A lost and damaged soul. Full of fear, sorrow, and hopelessness.

Soda was very different from his friends and family. He always was. In good ways and bad. But recently, the good ways in which he was different were fading rapidly and replaced with more horrible ways.

Soda was the only one in the gang and his family that was stupid. And that was a fact. Soda was just plain dumb. No matter what anyone said, Soda knew the truth. He was stupid. That's why he dropped out of school. Soda had already been held back a year in junior high and he didn't want to go through the humiliation again. So he just quit.

Soda was the only person he knew that inflicted pain on themselves. He started when he was thirteen and learned he would have to repeat seventh grade. He got bullied something awful when it spread around school. Soda was getting pushed down, tripped, and spit on even more. He needed a release and the blades were there for him always. Even though he didn't go to school anymore, that didn't mean he stopped hating himself.

But the one thing that made Soda more different from everyone than anything else was the fact that he was gay.

Soda knew that being gay was a sin and that he would never be accepted. He hated himself for it. And he'd be lucky if he didn't get thrown into the looney bin because of it.

But Soda didn't know he was gay until after him and his fake love, Sandy, had been dating for a year. At first, he was confused and thought it would pass. Another year passed until he knew for sure that he was not attracted to girls.

Soda was just fourteen he became infatuated with a girl named Sandy. The met in eighth grade during math class. She was incredibly bright, unlike Sodapop, and offered to help him with his work. The more time they spent together, the more they became closer and their friendship quickly turned into a romance.

But he grew older and more mature. And with that he realized he didn't feel the same way about Sandy anymore. He didn't feel for her in a romantic kind of way or any girl for that matter. He wasn't interested in girls and he didn't want to date one. The only reason why he stayed with Sandy so he could use her as a cover up. Soda was more interested in boys. At only 15 at the time, it confused him and he wasn't sure what it meant. Little did he know, he would eventually find out and his life would change.

Soda had just turned sixteen when he realized that girls was not what he wanted. It was boys. Before he dropped out of school, Soda noticed how he felt during gym class. He would see Steve changing in the locker room and feel...odd. Soda would first feel his face grow hot and his heart pounding. He tried to shrug off the feeling, but it always lingered. It wasn't until one day when the swimming unit started, Soda felt a strange tightness in his crotch while watching his best friend do laps in the pool. He spent the rest of the period in the locker room bathroom, silently crying.

Saying he loved Sandy was one of Soda's biggest lies. He had absolutely no intention of marrying her. He only said to make everything seem normal and no one would ever have any suspicion of who he truly was.

Of course Soda knew he would eventually have to break up with her. Although he liked having Sandy around to hide is secret, he knew it wasn't fair to her. She didn't deserve this.

One day, in the midst of everything happening with Ponyboy and Johnny, Sandy came to the DX and told Soda in a shaky voice that she had to talk to him. Soda was confused and worried. Sandy sounded distressed and her bright blue eyes were rimmed with pink as if she had been crying. He silently led her to a private area in the back.

"Soda," Sandy started. Her blue eyes glistened with tears. "This isn't easy to tell you, but I don't have a choice."

Soda looked at her. Millions of thoughts raced through his mind.

"It's okay, Sandy. You can tell me." Soda told her, taking her hand as reassurance. It felt weird.

"Soda, I-I just found out that I'm pregnant." Sandy's voice was so low that it was almost a whisper.

Soda's heart jumped into his throat and his blood ran cold. They never had sex which clearly meant the baby wasn't his. It also meant Sandy had cheated on him. He let go of her hand.

"You're...pregnant?" he simply asked, wanting clarification.

Sandy nodded. "I'm so sorry-"

Soda cut her off. He wasn't quite sure how to react. He didn't care that Sandy had cheated on him, but he tried his best to act like he did.

"How could you do this to me, Sandy? I loved you." the final words tasted funny as Soda spoke them.

"Soda, I loved you too, but-"

"But what?" Soda cut her off again, trying to make his voice sound firm and hard.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Listen, I'm moving to Florida to live with my grandmother. My parents don't want to have the baby here."

Soda looked around the room, trying to avoid looking at Sandy. He felt uncomfortable standing there in the position that he was in.

"Anyway, here's the address. I don't know if you wanted to stay in contact. If you don't, I understand." Sandy held out a piece of paper. When Soda refused to take it, she set it down on a nearby table.

"Goodbye, Sodapop." Sandy's voice broke as she rushed out before he could say anything.

When she was gone, Soda picked up the paper with Sandy's address. He ripped it to shreds with a solemn expression on his face.

So Soda never wrote her a letter after all. He came up with the brilliant idea one night. He wasn't upset about what happened with her at all. All his sadness was a result of everything that happened with Johnny, Dallas, and his baby brother. It had finally clicked that he came so close to losing more people in his life.

But that was a year ago. Sodapop was now seventeen and still nobody knew his secret. He desperately wanted to scream that he was gay just to get it over with and off his chest. He had to do it sometime, he just didn't know when.

Soda glanced at his baby brother. He was saddened at the mere sight of him. Would he hate him once he found out? Would Pony shut him out? Ponyboy was so innocent, yet he wasn't. Ponyboy was still young at fifteen, but he had gone through so much. He was going to be successful. And so was Darry. Everyone except Soda would go further in life. Soda was nothing more than a stupid, gay teenager. He struggled to choke back a sob to avoid waking Pony.

Soda bit down on his lip as he inched to the edge of his side. His hand groped blindly under the bed. When he felt the desired object- a small wooden box- his breath caught in his throat. Carefully, slowly, he grabbed it and picked it up. He got off the bed as quickly as he could making as little movement as possible and made his way to the door. He slipped out and walked to the bathroom, clutching the box tightly.

The door was closed and locked behind him. He stared at the box lovingly and full of relief. Grabbing a clean hand towel to catch the blood, Soda pulled his pants halfway down to his knees to allow an unused canvas to be worked on. He never cut his thighs before, but there's a first time for everything.

He opened the box and reached past the razor blades and other scrap metal until he felt his weapon of choice. A switchblade that Two-Bit gave him for his birthday a couple months ago. It was incredibly sharp which made it perfect to mutilate himself.

No tears were shed this time as he pulled the small blade against his left to make various sized incisions. A few gasps escaped him, and he closed his eyes for a short period as the familiar feeling of satisfaction and peace came to him. He pressed the black towel to his thigh and applied pressure. Soda counted down the seconds before he removed it.

"1..2..3..4..5."

The sound of the front door opening made Sodapop jump. He dropped the knife suddenly and it clattered on the hard tile floor.

"Dammit!" he thought, hoping nobody heard it.

Soda was still bleeding and he needed to get out of the bathroom. He quickly wiped the blood away with the towel and pulled his pants back up. When the switchblade was stuffed back into the box, he put his ear to the door to hear where the other greaser was. He heard clattering of bottles. Soda breathed a sigh of relief. Whoever it was, they were in the kitchen. Soda could make his escape.

Grabbing his belongings, as well as the towel, Soda opened the door as slowly as he could. Unfortunately for him, it creaked a bit loudly. Two-Bit came around the corner holding a bottle of beer.

"Hey, Sodapop!" Two-Bit greeted happily then eyed the small box he held. "Whatcha got there?"

Soda knew Two-Bit was slightly drunk already and was probably going to just get more drunk as the night went on. He wouldn't remember this.

"Oh, uh...it's nothing. I'm just going to bed now." Soda awkwardly told him.

Two-Bit just shrugged and took another swig of his beer. "Alright. See ya."

Soda hurried to his room and shut the door quietly behind him. He put the box back into its hiding place and the towel joined it. He climbed back into bed. Soda's heart was still pounding due to almost getting caught and his fresh cuts hurt every time he moved. It was nearly one in the morning when Soda drifted off into a restless sleep.