In The Hours After...
Follow on from In The Minutes Before
"Not Guilty."
My legs threaten to give way beneath me; my heart feels about ready to stop. I heard the words loud and clear but I don't believe them. I was so sure, so certain I'd spend tonight and every night of the next ten years in a prison cell. But I'll be going home. I'll be sleeping in my own bed tonight ...the bed I shared with Jackson. Memories of him are strong there, I dream endlessly of him there, I feel so very close to him there... I believed that comfort lost to me after today.
My tears are falling now, blinding me, the release of emotion like a heavy weight off my soul, I slowly surface from the bewilderment suddenly aware of those around me. I feel the relief of my family, it radiates towards me in waves, and it helps soothe and reassure me. But then I hear it, an ugly rage filled roar... Jerry! His disbelief echoes off the walls, it knifes through me, slicing into my conscience... I'm responsible for his pain.
He's lost all control, I can only watch as he's taken from the court, dragged away, manhandled like some drunken yob. He's such a proud man, so to see him like that... I know it would crucify Jackson. It leaves me shaken and I'm steered outside, loved ones having to think for me. Then I feel the sun on my face, something else I wasn't expecting to experience again today. I soak up its rays, let it warm me, let it chase away hates chill.
I don't think those two words are something to celebrate, I don't want to raise a glass to the verdict, so I tell them I just want to go home. We head back to the Smithy, to mug after mug of hot sweet tea. I chat, smile, make all the right noises, try hard to hide the pain. Inside I'm bleeding, the wound still so very raw. But maybe now I can start healing, maybe now I can start to move on.
Half an hour in and its all started to get too much, I never was much of a people person. I slip away unnoticed. I need some air, some space, but more than anything some time alone with Jackson. I kneel beside him; let him know I'm still here, that it's finally over, that he can now rest in peace. I need this time in the silence, I need the solace it gives.
In time I leave the stillness, step into the road, my thoughts take me elsewhere, back to another time.
I'm only half aware of the car. I hear it pick up speed, glance absently behind me...
I can see the hate in his eyes; I can feel it burning into me. The car's on me before I know it... I have time only to remember Jerry's pain filled words..."A life for a life" ... and I calmly accept he's about to take mine...