This oneshot focusses on Milady & Athos, missing scene to e10s2.
It was written for the Saturday Story (FB-group The Musketeers BBC UK) with the main topic Milday.
I always wondered over Milady's thoughts in this episode. Thanks to Ebm36 I included Athos' thoughts as well.
My special thanks goes out to my lovely beta Beth, who helped me to find my grammar and spelling mistakes ;-)
Note: I haven't forgotten about my other Saturday Story but due to the fact that there is a summer vacation break on the FB page I am not sure, how to move on. Probably I will post the rest of the story on here, but please give me some time, busy days right now.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors of this story.
The authors are in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.
Who else can we trust?
Milady sunk with her back against the wall of the vacant room in Constance old house.
Why? Why? Why, couldn't he just have said that he will come with me?
Why do I still have those strong feelings for him … he tried to kill me … he …
She heard the voices of the others - a group of people she didn't really belong to and they showed it, but she knew why, they were in the next room, telling Vargas to follow them or they would drag him on the back of a horse gagged and bound to the King.
That's Porthos. Athos has found new brothers, a new family, a new life … I want to belong to your life, Athos. I wish ...
She remembered her own words she had just said several minutes ago to Athos:
"I want to be as I was once with you!"
XXXXX
Outside Athos leaned for a moment on the closed door while his brothers were already walking over to their horses. He felt his heart beating much too quickly in his chest as a wave of dizziness hit him - probably because he hadn't slept for over two days now with worrying about Aramis - he closed his eyes. His head touched the cold stone wall and he needed the coolness to keep himself calm again.
Her eyes, her watery green eyes, her looks so full of sadness and insecurity, searching for his own eyes, for his comfort and his love, her touch, so gentle, so caring, so understanding …
Anne … why are you doing this to me. I can't … I can't leave my brothers not now … they need me … the Captain needs me …
You can't waltz back into my life like this …
I wish we could both turn back time … back to the time we first met and I wish I had been wiser back then and followed my duty as a Comte. Really, Athos?
He slightly snorted about that thought. He waited until the dizziness had passed. Slowly, very slowly he opened his eyes as he felt the soft touch of Aramis' hand on his arm.
"Are you alright? He asked quietly.
"If only I knew …" Athos snorted barely audible and pushed himself of the wall.
"We really need to go." He heard Aramis talking in the distance as he followed his brothers still deep in thought.
What is this woman doing to me?
XXXXX
It was her secret wish … her dream … she wanted to have her life back. Now as she heard the door being shut with a loud thud and several seconds later the hooves of their horses, she slid down the wall she had been resting against and sat on the cold wooden floor.
The tears she hadn't dare to cry where now running down her pale face, running over her soft red lips and ending in her dark hair, which fell onto her face as she bent her head, just like Athos had done earlier. His head bent, his eyes staring at the floor, but he was listening. He had always been a good listener.
When she had spoken to him … at first he had offered her wine, but she had refused to accept it. She didn't want to forget and drown her feelings in sorrow not like her husband had done so many times following …
He had not looked at her, but stayed next to the door just to be ready to run away to flee, not sure about his own feelings anymore and she could feel his own insecurity in the way he moved, in the way his eyes looked, in the way his whole body spoke to her.
First approaching her, only to retreat as she turned her back towards him. She was fighting with her tears and she didn't want to see him crying. She was not a woman who cried easily, not anymore. She had shed too many tears in the past.
Oh she could feel it. From the bottom of her heart she knew it. Even without the passionate kiss they had shared in the secret closet in Rochefort's -former Cardinal Richelieu's office - he still loved her.
He had thanked her for saving his brother's life, but that was all. No soft embrace, no long kiss, no gentle stroking with his hand over her long brown hair.
XXXXX
"She saved you, she really saved you." Athos whispered to Aramis while the medic was already mounting his horse.
"Did you doubt that she would help?" Aramis asked quietly, waiting now for Athos to mount his horse.
Athos didn't give Aramis an answer and the latter knew that he hadn't the patience right now to wait for any. The Queen was in immediate danger, Athos had to wait. He was grateful that Milady came to rescue him, but he doubted that she would be good for Athos. Her return only meant trouble and heartbreak for him and he wished he could spare him all this drama a second time. He deserved another woman, a woman who hadn't murdered his brother, but Aramis was wise enough to know that love worked in mysterious ways. He himself was the best example for it.
She ignored my peace offer … a glass of wine … probably not the right moment.
She felt so lost … moving away from me…
I wanted to thank you Anne, but you turned your back on me … and I … I didn't know what to say … to …
God … you have brought Aramis back … d'Artagnan was right … why hadn't I gone earlier to you?
I know why … I am still not sure if I can trust you with the life of another brother …
But you saved him …
I feared that I would never see him again …
He can get on my nerves, he can talk to me for hours over the beauty of nature or a single bird … but he's my friend, my brother … one of the few people for whom I would give my own life without thinking a second.
Athos now felt tears welling up in his eyes … he had fought against them when he was with Milady in the other room of Constance's house. Right now he was glad that his comrades were riding ahead. Porthos keeping an eye on Vargas to make sure that he didn't take a chance to flee.
They came nearer to the bridge that crossed the Seine, five minutes and they would reach the palace, the Lion's gate where he had met Milady several hours ago. Five more minutes and they would enter the Queen's quarters.
Stop thinking about her … your duty is to save the Queen and to stop this traitor Rochefort.
XXXXX
Out of the nowhere Athos had appeared suddenly waiting patiently for her to cross the small gateway at the gate of Lions that led down to the Seine. Of course he had paid a page to get her. It had been risky and dangerous but her husband would willingly risk his own life to help his brother - even if it meant asking her for help.
She imagined that this decision hadn't come easy to him. That if he'd had another option he would have chosen that.
But there he was, looking at her with those sad green eyes lined through worry and sadness for his brother's fate.
There it had hit her the first time. He loved Aramis as his own … as a new brother.
From time to time Athos had turned around, watching closely to see if he was being followed and pushing her further into the dark corner against the red-brown stone wall near to the iron gate that led into the gardens of Le Louvre.
As he was sure that no one else was listening he had looked into her pale green eyes and had asked her in his deep barely audible and rough voice, if she could help him to save, to free, to rescue Aramis.
How could I say no? This was my chance … to prove him … and I succeeded.
Athos hadn't stayed long. As soon as she had agreed to help save Aramis he had vanished again, of course not without telling her to be careful and to stay safe. She could still smell the odour of his leather jacket in her nose, which she loved so much and she could feel the touch of his hands on her wrists as he had pulled her closer to the wall. It was not a tight grip, more gentle but still firm.
He had known exactly what he wanted. She had the impression that he had thought through what he would say, what he would leave out, what he was willing to ask her and what not.
Always the strategical thinker … She snorted at the thought.
We should have never come together … we were … we are so different. But we loved each other, knew each other inside and outside. We could trust each other.
XXXXX
Athos stared trance like at the gate where he had met with Milady. He had smelled her perfume that smelled like roses and he had felt sudden feelings coming up for her, but he hadn't time for that. He had made up his mind what he wanted her to ask, he knew exactly how he wanted to put it and so he hid with her in the dark corner, knowing very well that he didn't only risk his life but hers as well.
After he had explained to her what she needed to do and after she had agreed, he had rushed away. His knees had felt week and he needed some time to calm his own emotions.
Why do I still have these strong feelings for her?
What is it that attracts me to her?
She killed Thomas, she wanted to kill me? And now … now I am the foolish man I was all those years ago and I'm starting to trust her again.
No … that's not true … I would have never asked her to save my brother's life if d'Artagnan hadn't asked me and the glance from Tréville's blue eyes were asking the very same without ordering me. Of course he knows … he knows me too well … to ask it from me ...
They try to protect me from her … they don't want to see me suffer … but maybe that's what I want … maybe I need to suffer … I deserve it …
He swallowed hard.
"Come!" Tréville ordered and they ran over the small courtyard to a hidden cellar entrance of Le Louvre, where Aramis was already waiting for them and pressing a lantern into his hand.
"Go ahead. I will go as last." Aramis ordered Athos, sensing that his brother needed a task to stop himself of having these churning thoughts.
Odd, there are no Red Guards, no pages, no courtiers in the courtyard … Athos thought. Something is more than wrong. I need to concentrate … I need to be alert ...
XXXXX
For a short moment she had smiled and her tears stopped running down her face as she remembered their happy times together. With the sleeve of her green dress she wiped her face dry.
For their wedding in the small village chapelle of Pinon, he had bought her an expensive white dress which she loved to wear and he had ignored all the rumors of people who were starting to talk behind his back.
He had shown her how much he loved her, they didn't need words. Together on the back of their horses, in the large green or yellow fields -regarding the time of the year- around his estate or having lunch in this great manor was her pure joy.
Until that horrible day that everything changed …
Until that day when Thomas had tried to violate her and all she could do was defend herself with a small knife. At least that was the version she had told so many times that she already believed it herself. She wanted to forget that in truth Thomas had found out about her former life as a liar and a thief and had wanted to tell his older brother everything.
She had begged him, went down on her knees not to tell him, that she had changed, that she wasn't that woman anymore and that he should not destroy his … their happiness.
But Thomas became more and more agitated about her lies, about how she had treated and tricked her brother and he suddenly screamed at her and accused her of not loving Athos, but only his title and his money.
"Leave!" He had shouted at her, while coming nearer and nearer and suddenly he had grabbed her right wrist in a tight grip. "Leave, and don't dare to come back. You have hurt him with your dreadful deeds enough. He should never see your face again."
The immense pain she had suddenly felt, made her panic. The words were burning in her ears and soul and she had screamed inwardly that he was wrong, that she loved Athos more than she had ever loved anyone else.
She still had a small knife with her, always hidden in her dress and before she knew what she was doing she had stabbed him in the living room of her husband's manor.
"You will not take away from me the most precious gift I have ever received in my life." She had shouted at him hysterically while stabbing him several times in his abdomen.
"I love him and that's the truth." She had cried, tears running down her face."
Unbelievingly she had stared at the lifeless body of Thomas, lying on the carpeted floor, trying to say something, but all he could whisper was "Athos" before he had died.
His dark brown eyes still open she looked down in horror at him. Kneeling next to him on the floor, unmoving, shocked by the force her hands had just used to make him stop saying bad things about her, shocked about the fact that he was dead, shocked that she had killed a man for the very first time.
She had killed him. It was a reflex … a horrible error. She had wanted to protect her love, but in the end she had not only killed a man and destroyed his life, but destroyed hers too.
She closed her eyes as the pictures she had tried to avoid and ignore for so many years suddenly reappeared in her mind, torturing her soul.
I wanted so hard to believe the other story … the one that Thomas tried to rape me … but it is not true. I killed him and you Athos had all the reason in the world to kill me … but I … I didn't understand, couldn't understand why you suddenly hated me so much … why you wanted to see me dead … and in the end it was me who wanted your death …
All those years of misery, of poverty, of starving, of fighting back to become what?
"I became this foul and ugly thing … this stranger who cheats and lies and kills without conscience." She had told Athos several minutes ago, while he had only stared at the floor, leaning with his back against the wall, not able to look at her and fighting with his own emotions.
The Cardinal has made me this monster it was the only way of living.
XXXXX
Athos could hear Vargas voice threading in broken French that he would kill Porthos and his friend's loud laughter. The dark cellar hadn't helped his even darker mood at all. They had nearly reached the staircase which would lead them to the quarters of the Queen. Tréville was right behind him.
I doubt that he will be able to kill Porthos. He's my brother, our brother and we will always protect him.
He realized that he had pulled Porthos away from Vargas quite firmly when they found him in the last minute. His brother was so agitated, he reacted like a wounded bull or a frightened bear, ready to kill.
Thomas …
Athos closed his eyes. He hadn't thought of him for a while, since d'Artagnan had entered his life the nightmares had somehow stopped or at least abated.
He imagined the death of his brother as if it had been only yesterday. His eyes wide open staring at something on the ceiling, not vivid anymore, but dead and unfocused. His mouth still half open as if he had wanted to shout for help, for his older brother to come and rescue him.
Not now … why do I have to see these pictures right now in my inner eye. I hate this lack of sleep it's not good for me.
She killed him …
"I am not free. I am bound to you as you are to me."
How can you think that I can come along with you, Anne, after everything. I can't deny, I can't forget, I can't forgive what you did to my little brother.
Thomas I miss you! And my heart aches with the thought that he tried to rape you. I knew him, he would never have been capable of something like that. Not him. Of course he was bigoted because you were no noblewoman and he had to re-arrange his life suddenly with Catherine, but he wasn't that type of man. Not my brother … how can you say such a thing, Anne?
Whenever I see you Anne, I will remember that very moment in my life that changed everything. His blood on your hands, you still kneeling next to him with the knife in your hands. Catherine screaming for help and I couldn't do anything. I was too late to protect my little brother from my own wife.
You took my brother away from me. Maybe you are right, we're not free, torn in our memories. This binds us, but nothing more … nothing … how can it be that my brother tried to rape you … he …
Athos felt a hand touching his arm.
"You should slow down." A voice behind him whispered in the dark.
"I don't think we have time." Athos answered with a breathy voice.
"It's dark and the floor is slippery and you only have the candle." Tréville told him. "What are you thinking of?"
"I don't know, what you mean, Captain." Athos answered gruffly.
He was glad that the darkness hid his facial expression, but he was sure that Tréville knew that he was lying. He heard Tréville sighing loudly and was glad when they finally reached the staircase, which led to the quarters of the King.
XXXXX
Oh she knew him so well. His sensitive side … the way he looked when he was hiding his feelings behind a mask of unreadable expressions.
Right now he had been fighting with his feelings, emotions for her.
She had just brought him Aramis - another brother back. He had thought that he would never see him, feared that Aramis would die such as the poor Doctor Lemay who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and had been murdered brutally by this insane Rochefort.
How he had greeted Aramis with a gentle kiss on his cheek. Showing her how much he loved Aramis, such as he had loved Thomas. Of course he was still touched by what she'd done for him, but he was still not sure about his feelings for her and she knew it, she could see it in his face.
Aramis had hurt her more than she wanted to admit to herself. She could still hear Aramis reproachful words which he'd spoken to her in a harsh voice when she came to save him.
"You don't need to kill him!"
"Why not?" She had answered angrily.
"You shouldn't treat death so lightly." Aramis had told her by knocking the guard out, but she wasn't so sure, the head injury he caused the guard could have been deadly as well, if the guard fell wrong.
She had said nothing, trying to calm herself.
Oh she was upset, angry with Aramis. That he hadn't really accepted her help, when she told him that she came to rescue him. He had criticised her and not thanked her at all:
"It's not a rescue yet."
Does he know? Does he know that I am still lying to Athos about his brother? I see that you want to protect Athos, Aramis, but I don't want to harm him anymore. I love him … I always have and I always will.
Aramis words had hit deep into her soul and she remembered his angry words as she told Athos that:
"I don't want to be that creature anymore!"
I want to be as I was once with you, Athos. Why? Why couldn't you just tell me that you will come with me to Le Havre? That you would come with me to England? Oh, yes you joked about the bad weather and the horrible food.
Milady could still hear Athos softly mocking voice and his snort as he reflected on the English food - she had to admit that he was right. But staying in France … would remind her always of how she became a murderer and finally a spy for the Cardinal.
She wanted to forget … to tell her life story anew … just as she did with the story about Thomas and she wanted to be with Olivier again.
"To feel hope instead of this deadness in my heart."
She had turned around and tried to look at Athos at this moment, she had wished that he would have raised his head and looked in her eyes, but he didn't. He had stared blankly at the wooden floor.
So she told him the plan, a plan she had had for several months now. Nothing would keep her any longer in France. She would wait for him in her carriage until sundown at the crossroads. He knew which place she meant and she had vowed to him and to herself that if he didn't come that they will never see each other again.
New tears were welling up in her eyes again. Now she had said these final words she couldn't take them back, if he didn't come, she would never again see the love of her life. It was final. The only man who could reach her with a single look, a soft touch, a hushed smile on his face. A man who had carried her in her arms and given her a full field of forget-me-nots her favourite flowers and her sign for him that she never wanted to forget him and the love he had given her back then.
Now with these words spoken out loud they were no longer a mind game, but they had turned into a new truth and reality which she would have to face the next day.
XXXXX
England? Why on earth can't she stay in France?
Athos thought while using his sword to fight two Red Guards on the staircase .They had suddenly appeared out of nowhere , he heard the pistol shots fired by Aramis and Constance and concentrated on not being hit by a blade from one of their attackers.
He felt his knees growing heavier and heavier as he went up and down the greyish stone steps. It was exhausting to fight and for one moment he thought how easy life would be, if he wasn't a soldier any longer, but lying in Milady's arms in a palace somewhere in England.
You wouldn't be happy. This is what makes you feel alive, what you need.
He thought as he was leaning on a stone pillar next to Tréville shouting to the others to try to reach and save the Queen.
Oh Aramis, I hope and pray … yes I pray … that we won't be too late. Hurry my friend and rescue her.
"How much more?"
He heard Tréville asking next to him. He gave his Captain a small, barely visible smile with his lips.
"We will find out together." Then they started a second attack.
England … bad weather … bad food … why hadn't she asked to go to Italy?
XXXXX
How she had wished that Athos would have said something as she came nearer and nearer until their lips nearly touched, but he didn't kiss her. He gave her no sign that he would go with her.
"You are free to do as you please."
These words had hurt so much, but she knew they had hurt him as well. The way he had spoken them with a shaky quiet voice, giving away his emotional state. But at least he had asked, had cared for her.
"What will you do now?"
It was his way of showing her his gratitude for saving Aramis' life, for helping in these past hours.
She sighed. How she wished that Athos would return now in this moment, kneeling down to her, helping her up and holding her in his strong warm arms, pulling her softly against his chest and kissing her first gently then more and more passionately, as they used to do it back then. But she knew that he wouldn't come. He had to save the Queen, the King, France.
Duty first … he had neglected his duty as a Comte when he had married her and not his weird and horrible betrothed Catherine. He had chosen her instead - a common woman. Deciding against duty … which led him to the greatest loss of his life and she knew that he needed this duty to protect him now from his horrible past.
Over months she had observed and watched Athos, the greatest swordsman of France and an honourable Lieutenant of the King's Musketeers as she had worked for the Cardinal. Waiting for the right moment for her revenge after he had tried to hang her.
Love could make you hate: fierce, intense, blind.
A little lost she felt with the fingers of her right hand at her throat where she could still feel the wound that the rope had left on her neck and branded her as a criminal. A mark she couldn't extinguish, it would stay with her all her life. Today she had not covered it with a scarf or a necklace, today she hadn't felt the need to do it.
She tried to imagine Athos before he'd left after d'Artagnan called him and told him that they had to take Vargas to the King.
He had finally looked at her when she told him her thoughts which she'd been carrying around now for weeks.
"We have no reason in the world left to trust each other, but who else can we trust?
Who else knows us like we know each other?"
She had gently touched his jacket, near to his chin with her right hand, it would have been so easy for Athos to lean over to her in that moment and kiss her again. But he didn't.
Was it because his brothers were in the next room?
Was it because he still had his doubts regarding her even after she proved to him that she was risking her own life by rescuing Aramis?
Was it because he simply was too overwhelmed by his own feelings that he wasn't able to say anything?
She could feel his fast heartbeat in the palm of her hand. She could sense his insecurity on the one hand and his desire on the other hand, but something stopped him and she couldn't find the right words to express it, to understand it.
Why? Why didn't you say the words I wanted to hear?
She sighed, feeling new tears welling up, which she angrily wiped away.
XXXXX
Athos, d'Artagnan and Porthos were confronting Rochefort with their swords and then fighting him one after the other, when Aramis came out of the next room obviously injured. He had Rochefort to surrender, but the Comte had ignored his noble offer. Now the Spanish spy was lying dead on the floor, Aramis was bending over him to close his eyes but the Queen forbade him to do it.
"Not for him Aramis."
He felt relief running through his whole body. It was over. The Queen, Aramis, the King they were safe.
Who else can we trust?
Who else knows us like we know each other?
Anne do you really need me to answer that question.
How can I ever trust you again … I … feel … I love you, but I am not sure if my trust is great enough. Yes, it's true I came for you to help us, me, to rescue Aramis and I was worried for you as d'Artagnan was worried for Constance.
But … I can trust my brothers such as they trust me.
Because of our friendship, brotherhood, we are still alive.
But do they know me?
They accept me and love me the way as I am with all my flaws.
And d'Artagnan … well … I think he knows me pretty well … even without sharing too many words … I don't know why … oh yes … I know … he reminds me so much of Thomas.
You expected an answer from me Anne, an answer I couldn't give you. Not in this situation, not in this room, not today.
He drew his right hand through his thick hair and looked a last time at Rochefort.
Anne, I know that you are alone, feel alone, but I am not.
I have friends, brothers, even a new father … they are there for me.
Why couldn't I just tell you that I won't come with you?
Why was my mouth so dry, my heart beating so fiercely in my chest as you touched me with your beautiful gentle hand?
Why did it hurt me so much to look at you?
What are you doing to me Anne, to my mind?
You knew that I couldn't answer you, because I didn't want to hurt you, but in the very same moment I hurt myself too.
"I am bound to you as you are to me."
Your words are true … but following you to England and leaving my brothers behind.
I can trust them … can I trust you?
"Come, let's go!" D'Artagnan was suddenly standing next to him. Tréville wants to speak to us and I think the King, too."
With the others d'Artagnan had already left but as he noticed that Athos wasn't following them, he had turned around.
What will I do now?
Anne, I can trust them …
Why does my heart feel so heavy each time I have to let you go?
Each time our paths are crossing?
Why couldn't you just leave?
"Athos?" D'Artagnan asked quietly, irritated why his mentor hadn't followed them and not sure if he was hurt.
"Hmm ..."
"He's dead, you know that." D'Artagnan whispered now in his friend's left ear.
"Hmm …"
"What's the matter with you?" He felt d'Artagnan's palm resting on his back, when he tried to push him towards the door.
"I …" Athos paused.
"It's because of her. I'm sorry that you had to ask her …" D'Artagnan suddenly paled as realisation hit him what this demand had aroused in his older brother.
"I trusted her with Aramis' life." Athos whispered not looking at d'Artagnan feeling his sweaty palms in his gloves.
"And she has brought me back to you." Aramis was now standing in the threshold of the door, still holding his injured arm and smiling at him.
"What shall I do now?" He quietly asked in the room.
"Do you trust her?" Porthos asked suddenly standing next to him on his other side.
"I wish I could answer that question." Athos mumbled more to himself than to his friends.
"Listen to your heart." Aramis softly mumbled coming nearer until he stood directly in front of Athos, searching with his own brown eyes, Athos' green. "She saved my life, the Queen's life and several weeks ago the King's life. Thanks to you Athos, I am still alive." Softly in order not to hurt his injured shoulder furthermore he hugged his brother with his left arm, who leaned in this hug for a short moment. Then he signaled Aramis that it was alright and the latter took some steps backwards to give his brother the space he needed again. "If you ask me, she has changed, Athos." Aramis added softly then he signaled his brothers to follow him out of the room.
Athos sighed aloud and looked at his friends. He was not so sure, if Aramis was right, but he was grateful for his response nevertheless.
"Will you come or do you need an extra invitation?" They heard the loud shout from Tréville.
In the same moment Porthos and d'Artagnan finally pushed him to the door he followed Aramis and their Captain's loud order, guided by Porthos and d'Artagnan to his left and right side, showing him their trust and love for him.
Who else can we trust?
I can and always trust my brothers, Anne?
In the hour of need they will be always there for me.
Can I trust you again, Anne?
I guess I have to find out …
XXXXX
Milady had forgotten how long she was sitting on the floor and starring in the emptiness of the room and her own heart. Without him she felt so lost.
As a dog barked outside she decided to stand up.
I had better leave this place, this is Constance's old house. They will come looking for her. She is an outlaw now. I don't need to risk my life for her now too.
She slowly stood up. For a moment she stared at the place near to the frame of the brown door, where Athos had leant minutes ago.
A thought came to her mind.
He had followed her, had poured her a glass of wine and offered it to her, but she had rejected it and he had asked her about her next plans.
She suddenly smiled. Even if Athos hadn't said a word she suddenly was convinced that he would come, he would come with her to England, because he trusted her with saving his brother's life.
Who else can I trust, Athos … I trust you … and I trust that you will come, because you still love me. Deep in my heart I know you will come.
I trust you from the bottom of my heart …
We were given a second chance … and we won't throw that one away.
If you can save the King and Queen or not …
If you survive Athos … you will come … I trust you in this.
The End.