Title: As Long As He Needs Me
Author: Dana E. Vassy
Category: UST, Maggie Scully POV
Rating: G
Spoilers: Gethsemane, Redux II (slight) Oliver?
Disclaimer: "Time and time again, I've said that I don't
care.." But this time I simply saying Maggie, Scully and
Mulder are not mine. No profit, no problem. Oliver is
written by Lionel Bart, I expect the same courtesy to be
extended.
Feedback: Send me it, I've watched presidents die.
menacing puff of Morley Now before I choke on these
vile things, let me know what you think - good, bad or
indifferent. scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk
Distribution: Have it! Just tell me what you think of it
and where you're putting it.
Thanks: To Brie at ficsupport for starting me off on
this. To Sonia Swaby for singing it so well at the
Hey!MrProducer concert. And to Lissie, for being my best
friend.
Summary: Scully swears her loyalty to Mulder, even if it
does mean a less than desirable state-of-affairs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I miss him so much when he is gone
But when he's near me, I don't let on
The way I feel inside
The love I have to hide
But hell, I've got my pride...
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I'll cling on steadfastly...
I won't betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true just
As long as he needs me
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I straighten the rug one more time, and right on cue the
doorbell rings. I love that my baby girl is always so
punctual, it's something her father was so strict about.
She greets me warmly, a muted smile on her face. Yet
again, that huge raincoat dwarfs her tiny frame. Still,
at least Dana is pretty enough to carry it off.
As we move from the hallway, I listen to her platitudes
that work is fine, Fox is fine, and that she has been
eating properly. Behind that weary little face though,
something is troubling her. I notice that her hair is
not so well styled as usual, and her concealer barely
disguises the dark circles under her eyes. Knowing what
the answer will be, I plunge on and ask the question I am
well aware she dreads.
"So no young men beating down your door this week,
honey?"
It was intended to be light-hearted, a comment tossed at
her as I switch on the other lamp. But when I hear no
exasperated reply, I turn to find tears streaming down my
baby's face. God bless her, she's still trying to fight
them back and act strong for her mother. But I feel
this time she might actually let those walls back down.
So I do what any mother should. I go to her, and hug her
tightly.
It's what she wanted, the floodgates have opened. I'm
crying myself, but why? Because I can't bear to hear
the sobs racking Dana's body? Because I know it has to
be pretty serious for her ever to show so much emotion as
this? My own reason for weeping is insignificant, my
daughter needs me.
We stand for a while, as her hysterics abate. Slowly,
she peels her head from my shoulder, wiping the remnants
of her outburst from her eyes. Even with her eyes all
puffy, she's still a more welcome sight than any catwalk
model. I'm filled with this surge of pride every time I
look at her, as I remember all she's done in her short
life. I only hope she knows it.
I move to the sofa without saying a word. Whatever this
is about will be revealed in its own good time. Right
now, I'll wait to see if I can help.
That's the thing, every since Dana grew up, I haven't
been able to help her much. When I tried to, it wasn't
warmly received. Like sitting her next to Father McCue
at that dinner party. I was being pushy I know, but
isn't that what mothers are supposed to be? All through
school and college, I left her alone in that respect -
she had her father to feed her ambition. I was never
disappointed when she joined the FBI, only worried for
her safety. She's so independent, I honestly don't
think she noticed how much it hurt me to be shut out.
It's not a conscious decision, more that her focus and
priorities have shifted. Dana always hated to burden
people with her problems, preferring to work them out
alone. Like when she started her periods. She knew
what was happening to her, and took sanitary towels from
the packet Melissa had bought. Only when I worked it out
for myself did she tell me of her awful stomach cramps.
She ended up on pain medication they were so bad, but she
hadn't wanted to worry me. Other people might be
troubled by this secrecy, but it wasn't a case of that.
It wasn't that Dana was excluding me, she just didn't
want to cause a fuss.
And that's how she's always been. Unlike Melissa, she
didn't mope about over every broken heart, or any little
setback. Dana would think about it, then carry on as
normal, trying to avoid repeating the mistakes. I think
she gets embarrassed about discussing boyfriends with me,
maybe because I have such a Catholic background. She's
almost thirty-five and unmarried, but I'm assured she's
not so innocent as my religious convictions would like me
to believe. But she's normally so sensible that I let
her work it all out for herself.
Like when she was at med school. There was a
relationship of sorts there. I never could work out the
specifics, just that her social life was somewhat frantic
for a while. She had too many 'staying over' nights with
friends, and I don't imagine for a second that all of
those were spent where she said. I can tell when a man
is around her, she changes completely. But that must
have ended badly. For the first time in years, I heard
her crying at night. She cried herself to sleep, but I
didn't dare to invade her privacy. I was there when she
needed me, and she always knew it.
She's ready to talk it would seem, and she joins me on
the sofa. And from the look in her eyes, I know it can
only be one thing. How did I miss it in the first place?
"What did he do, Dana? What's wrong with Fox?"
I've startled her, but I know I hit the target. Her
whole body language shifts, the defensive poise coming
back on. I put my hand out to soothe her, letting her
relax as I rub her back gently. This is more trouble
than I thought.
"He hasn't done anything, mom. Nothing at all."
Her reply throws me slightly, I was so sure. What can
she mean? Then, I see it. I see the rejection in her
eyes. He hasn't done anything, and that's what is
hurting my little girl.
"I just..I'm being silly. It's not really anything, I
just needed to let that out. Thank you."
"You're not getting off that lightly, Dana. You don't
cry like that unless something is really troubling you.
Now I have as long as it takes, and Chinese is on its
way."
"Chinese? You're not cooking?"
Poor Dana is genuinely surprised. It's not likely homely
mom to do anything other than a Martha Stewart special in
the kitchen. But the surprise is quickly replaced by her
upset.
"Mom, did you ever love someone so much.. so much that
it hurts?"
"Yes."
"Do you know how painful it is that you'll never have
that love returned, at least not in a normal way?"
"No, but I can see that you do."
"Mom, I'm pathetic. Mulder is my partner.. but he's
so much more.. but he's nothing more..And I just..
can't.."
The tears were back, calmer this time, but no less in
volume.
"Now, baby, I don't know the specifics. But if you
don't see this being reciprocated, have you asked? Are
you sure?"
"I don't have to ask. I see it everyday, why Mulder
won't ever love me. Not in the way I need to be. His
passion is his work, and I would loathe myself if I ever
tried to take that away from him. He's looked for his
sister for so long, it would be plain selfish of me."
"Maybe we all have to be a little selfish, Dana.
Sometimes it's the only way to make ourselves happy. But
I think I understand that you wouldn't be happy that way
either. That your conscience won't let you pursue this.
I feel terrible for you, it's a tough position to be in.
"Perhaps, sweetheart, it's time to step away. Haven't
you endured enough pain, without a broken heart on top of
it all?"
She considers what I've said. It must be almost
appealing; she's obviously suffering, and escape is a
great solution to that. But when she turns once more to
me, I see why she cannot. And she never will.
"I can't leave him. He needs me. And, in my own way,
I need him. To walk away now would be um, I can't. I
just can't. And more than that, I won't. And as long as
he wants me there, it's where I want to be. By his
side."
Her courage stuns me. This is braver than quitting a
medical career, or fighting with Bill Junior. To give up
any last chance she had, all to stay with the man she
loves. And to have nothing in return. But she'll have
plenty in return. Feeling as though she belongs, a
worthy occupation, and being close to someone she cares
for. It might not be a conventional situation, but the
beliefs behind it are something we all treasure.
"It could be a lonely life Dana. What about family,
your own family? Are you ready to give up on that
completely?"
"I can't have children, mom. I believe everything
happens for a reason, you taught me that. And with my
lifestyle, I don't have time for a husband, it wouldn't
be fair on anyone. So instead, I have my work to fill
the space in my life. I can be happy, it was just tough
having to accept this. I'll be fine."
I pull her into another hug. No more words for tonight.
She's said what she had to, and I'm glad she could say it
to me. And I'll be there no matter what, to make sure
she does cope with it all. I have every faith that she
will. Dana is a fighter, and I've never seen her
defeated, not even by cancer. Fox will take good care of
her, even if he'll never actually be my son-in-law. I
suppose all I can hope for, as her mother, is that she
does what is best for her. And this must be it.
I wish her every happiness, she certainly deserves it.
Author: Dana E. Vassy
Category: UST, Maggie Scully POV
Rating: G
Spoilers: Gethsemane, Redux II (slight) Oliver?
Disclaimer: "Time and time again, I've said that I don't
care.." But this time I simply saying Maggie, Scully and
Mulder are not mine. No profit, no problem. Oliver is
written by Lionel Bart, I expect the same courtesy to be
extended.
Feedback: Send me it, I've watched presidents die.
menacing puff of Morley Now before I choke on these
vile things, let me know what you think - good, bad or
indifferent. scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk
Distribution: Have it! Just tell me what you think of it
and where you're putting it.
Thanks: To Brie at ficsupport for starting me off on
this. To Sonia Swaby for singing it so well at the
Hey!MrProducer concert. And to Lissie, for being my best
friend.
Summary: Scully swears her loyalty to Mulder, even if it
does mean a less than desirable state-of-affairs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I miss him so much when he is gone
But when he's near me, I don't let on
The way I feel inside
The love I have to hide
But hell, I've got my pride...
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I'll cling on steadfastly...
I won't betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true just
As long as he needs me
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I straighten the rug one more time, and right on cue the
doorbell rings. I love that my baby girl is always so
punctual, it's something her father was so strict about.
She greets me warmly, a muted smile on her face. Yet
again, that huge raincoat dwarfs her tiny frame. Still,
at least Dana is pretty enough to carry it off.
As we move from the hallway, I listen to her platitudes
that work is fine, Fox is fine, and that she has been
eating properly. Behind that weary little face though,
something is troubling her. I notice that her hair is
not so well styled as usual, and her concealer barely
disguises the dark circles under her eyes. Knowing what
the answer will be, I plunge on and ask the question I am
well aware she dreads.
"So no young men beating down your door this week,
honey?"
It was intended to be light-hearted, a comment tossed at
her as I switch on the other lamp. But when I hear no
exasperated reply, I turn to find tears streaming down my
baby's face. God bless her, she's still trying to fight
them back and act strong for her mother. But I feel
this time she might actually let those walls back down.
So I do what any mother should. I go to her, and hug her
tightly.
It's what she wanted, the floodgates have opened. I'm
crying myself, but why? Because I can't bear to hear
the sobs racking Dana's body? Because I know it has to
be pretty serious for her ever to show so much emotion as
this? My own reason for weeping is insignificant, my
daughter needs me.
We stand for a while, as her hysterics abate. Slowly,
she peels her head from my shoulder, wiping the remnants
of her outburst from her eyes. Even with her eyes all
puffy, she's still a more welcome sight than any catwalk
model. I'm filled with this surge of pride every time I
look at her, as I remember all she's done in her short
life. I only hope she knows it.
I move to the sofa without saying a word. Whatever this
is about will be revealed in its own good time. Right
now, I'll wait to see if I can help.
That's the thing, every since Dana grew up, I haven't
been able to help her much. When I tried to, it wasn't
warmly received. Like sitting her next to Father McCue
at that dinner party. I was being pushy I know, but
isn't that what mothers are supposed to be? All through
school and college, I left her alone in that respect -
she had her father to feed her ambition. I was never
disappointed when she joined the FBI, only worried for
her safety. She's so independent, I honestly don't
think she noticed how much it hurt me to be shut out.
It's not a conscious decision, more that her focus and
priorities have shifted. Dana always hated to burden
people with her problems, preferring to work them out
alone. Like when she started her periods. She knew
what was happening to her, and took sanitary towels from
the packet Melissa had bought. Only when I worked it out
for myself did she tell me of her awful stomach cramps.
She ended up on pain medication they were so bad, but she
hadn't wanted to worry me. Other people might be
troubled by this secrecy, but it wasn't a case of that.
It wasn't that Dana was excluding me, she just didn't
want to cause a fuss.
And that's how she's always been. Unlike Melissa, she
didn't mope about over every broken heart, or any little
setback. Dana would think about it, then carry on as
normal, trying to avoid repeating the mistakes. I think
she gets embarrassed about discussing boyfriends with me,
maybe because I have such a Catholic background. She's
almost thirty-five and unmarried, but I'm assured she's
not so innocent as my religious convictions would like me
to believe. But she's normally so sensible that I let
her work it all out for herself.
Like when she was at med school. There was a
relationship of sorts there. I never could work out the
specifics, just that her social life was somewhat frantic
for a while. She had too many 'staying over' nights with
friends, and I don't imagine for a second that all of
those were spent where she said. I can tell when a man
is around her, she changes completely. But that must
have ended badly. For the first time in years, I heard
her crying at night. She cried herself to sleep, but I
didn't dare to invade her privacy. I was there when she
needed me, and she always knew it.
She's ready to talk it would seem, and she joins me on
the sofa. And from the look in her eyes, I know it can
only be one thing. How did I miss it in the first place?
"What did he do, Dana? What's wrong with Fox?"
I've startled her, but I know I hit the target. Her
whole body language shifts, the defensive poise coming
back on. I put my hand out to soothe her, letting her
relax as I rub her back gently. This is more trouble
than I thought.
"He hasn't done anything, mom. Nothing at all."
Her reply throws me slightly, I was so sure. What can
she mean? Then, I see it. I see the rejection in her
eyes. He hasn't done anything, and that's what is
hurting my little girl.
"I just..I'm being silly. It's not really anything, I
just needed to let that out. Thank you."
"You're not getting off that lightly, Dana. You don't
cry like that unless something is really troubling you.
Now I have as long as it takes, and Chinese is on its
way."
"Chinese? You're not cooking?"
Poor Dana is genuinely surprised. It's not likely homely
mom to do anything other than a Martha Stewart special in
the kitchen. But the surprise is quickly replaced by her
upset.
"Mom, did you ever love someone so much.. so much that
it hurts?"
"Yes."
"Do you know how painful it is that you'll never have
that love returned, at least not in a normal way?"
"No, but I can see that you do."
"Mom, I'm pathetic. Mulder is my partner.. but he's
so much more.. but he's nothing more..And I just..
can't.."
The tears were back, calmer this time, but no less in
volume.
"Now, baby, I don't know the specifics. But if you
don't see this being reciprocated, have you asked? Are
you sure?"
"I don't have to ask. I see it everyday, why Mulder
won't ever love me. Not in the way I need to be. His
passion is his work, and I would loathe myself if I ever
tried to take that away from him. He's looked for his
sister for so long, it would be plain selfish of me."
"Maybe we all have to be a little selfish, Dana.
Sometimes it's the only way to make ourselves happy. But
I think I understand that you wouldn't be happy that way
either. That your conscience won't let you pursue this.
I feel terrible for you, it's a tough position to be in.
"Perhaps, sweetheart, it's time to step away. Haven't
you endured enough pain, without a broken heart on top of
it all?"
She considers what I've said. It must be almost
appealing; she's obviously suffering, and escape is a
great solution to that. But when she turns once more to
me, I see why she cannot. And she never will.
"I can't leave him. He needs me. And, in my own way,
I need him. To walk away now would be um, I can't. I
just can't. And more than that, I won't. And as long as
he wants me there, it's where I want to be. By his
side."
Her courage stuns me. This is braver than quitting a
medical career, or fighting with Bill Junior. To give up
any last chance she had, all to stay with the man she
loves. And to have nothing in return. But she'll have
plenty in return. Feeling as though she belongs, a
worthy occupation, and being close to someone she cares
for. It might not be a conventional situation, but the
beliefs behind it are something we all treasure.
"It could be a lonely life Dana. What about family,
your own family? Are you ready to give up on that
completely?"
"I can't have children, mom. I believe everything
happens for a reason, you taught me that. And with my
lifestyle, I don't have time for a husband, it wouldn't
be fair on anyone. So instead, I have my work to fill
the space in my life. I can be happy, it was just tough
having to accept this. I'll be fine."
I pull her into another hug. No more words for tonight.
She's said what she had to, and I'm glad she could say it
to me. And I'll be there no matter what, to make sure
she does cope with it all. I have every faith that she
will. Dana is a fighter, and I've never seen her
defeated, not even by cancer. Fox will take good care of
her, even if he'll never actually be my son-in-law. I
suppose all I can hope for, as her mother, is that she
does what is best for her. And this must be it.
I wish her every happiness, she certainly deserves it.