A/N: This is a purely for comedy. We're writing this as a side project to relieve writers block and stress. ;)
Nagato: Where the fuck are we? And who the hell are you?
Takahiro: I'm not sure... wait. Your cloak... your eyes... I WILL KILL YOU!
"We've been hopping dimensions for hours." One states.
"We haven't found the catgirl dimension yet though!" Two retorts, puffing their cheeks.
"That's weird, it didn't say your gender." One remarks.
"Huh, that is odd. Even for me." The obvious man, woman, thing, that is Two, says.
"Okay… now it's being ridiculously vague. Whatever, just jump us into another dimension already. It's your turn." One demands of Two.
"Sure thing, I really hope we see the catgirls!" Two replies. A clap of their hands sends both One and Two into a new dimension.
The world around them shifts quickly with images flying by their faces. A few of them they recognize having hopped through those dimensions before. Eventually the images that fly past stop and they are left in a dark room. The two partners look around the room, surveying their surroundings. A few moments later a large double door set in the middle of a wall opens to reveal nine figures clad in cloaks.
"Oh goodie! I think we may have found something better than catgirls!" Two exclaims. At that, One, very tactfully facepalms.
"Who are y-" An orange haired man was cut off.
"Shut up," Two begins. "You are the first!" He points at a blue haired woman.
She shifts into a battle stance, just like the rest of the group.
"What do you mean 'first?'" She asks, wary of the answer.
"My first sexual conquest!" Two chirps.
"Conquest..? I highly doubt that." Came the reply from the blue haired woman. Two humms thoughtfully.
"Konan, would fuck, blue hair is a turn on. Pain, would fuck, piercings are playful. Hidan, would follow Jashinism and become besties with. Kakuzu, I'll leave him to One, creepy fucker. Kisame, don't fuck fish people.-"
"Hey!" Kisame yells.
"Sasori, I would take splinters for you. Deidara, too many tongues, seriously dude, one is enough. Itachi, just above the acceptable age. Zetsu, plants are on my 'do not fuck under any circumstances' list." Two lists the names of the people before him.
The group tenses as Kisame continues his tirade.
"Screw you I'm not a fish, I'm a shark!"
"Same difference, you have gills." Two shivers.
"Alright Two, you've had your fun." One says, completely unfazed by the naming of the Akatsuki.
"I haven't fucked anyone yet though!" Two whines, puffing their cheeks again.
"So, you're the Akatsuki then. Never thought we'd hop into this dimension. Oh well, better get used to living here for a while. It seems Two has a 'goal' now." One remarks, choosing to ignore Two entirely..
"I do! I have a list of shinobi and kunoichi I want to fuck!" Two proclaims happily.
"Wait did you say you'd follow Jashinism?" Hidan asks, excited at the prospect.
"Yep! I'm already immortal, but that seems way more fun." Two replies chipper as ever.
"Chipper? Really?" One asks. Yes, One, really.
"Enough!" Pain orders. The room falls silent except for Two's constant nagging.
"Yes Pain?" One asks an actual person.
"Who are you two, why do you know our names, and how did you get in here? Also did he say 'immortal?'" He demands.
"Oh, that's easy. I'm Tangent One, he's Tangent Two. We know your names because we're dimension hoppers and that answers the third question too. Yes he did say immortal, because we are." One explains.
"Why are you here?" Pain asks this time.
"Oh, well. See we were dimension hopping for catgirls.-"
"Fucking gorgeous idea by the way, God." Two cuts off One.
"Yeah, that's why we were looking for catgirls. Anyway, we were searching for catgirls and we ended up here." One finishes.
"Cats? Those vile things that have way too much fur and too many sharp claws? Why would you be looking for females?" Pain visibly recoils.
"No, not female cats. Like a human girl with cat ears and a tail!" Two chirps.
Pain shivers, completely revolted at the prospect.
"Two, you're hurting him. Not sure how, but you are." One smacks Two on the back of the head.
"Ow! What the hell! It's been years since you've done that." Two pouts rubbing the back of his head.
"Jashinism is waiting for you, come here buddy!" Hidan starts to walk out of the comfort of the group to the two masked men in front of them.
"Cool, what's the first step?" Two asks, walking to meet him.
"Well, we've got to go slaughter some people. I'll tell you on the way. Can you teleport by the way?" Hidan asks, genuinely curious.
"Yep! I can switch dimensions too." Two is visibly happy from the praise.
"Sweet! This is gonna be fucking awesome! Murder and carnage galore!" Hidan remarks, he put his hand on Two's shoulder and they teleport away.
"So…" One begins.
"So, indeed." Pain continues.
"You guys got any more cloaks?" One asks.
"We do, but why should we give them to you?" Pain retorts.
"Because I'll kill all of you in seconds if you don't," One promises. "Also they look comfy."
"Oh? How will you do that?" Konan remarks.
In the same instant three things happen. One, every Akatsuki is immobilized in some way. Two, Konan is embedded in the end of the hallway behind the door. Three, Pain is incredibly curious as to how that happened without him seeing it.
"So... you guys got any more of those cloaks?" One asks again.