Title: Love Hurts
Author: Dana E. Vassy
Rating: PG., for language and situations
Spoilers: Lazarus, all things, Never Again (I haven't even
seen it), Redux, Redux II, Orison, Milagro
Disclaimer: Do I seem rich enough to have the rights to
this merry bunch? Well, I won't be making any money out of
them now either. That said, Philip is and was mine. Sorry
for more Scully damage, but she offered to help with my
personal therapy. Well, I was drunk and I think that's
what the doll was saying...
Summary: Scully survives one heartbreak too many. She
realises that true love doesn't come without its price -
and even then it may not be worth the struggle. Look out
for depressed!Scully...Noromo friendly - sensitive shippers
beware
Feedback: Give Lola feedback! As her lawyer I *will* sue
you all...but on a nicer note PLEASE send to:
scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk
Song: 'Love Hurts' as performed by Elaine Paige. (shuttit
Lis) So sad, so true - so perfect for a breakup
Distribution: You want it, you got it - just tell me where
through the addy above ;0)
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Love hurts, love scorns
Love wounds and mourns
Any heart not tough
Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain
To take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
She sat staring at the blank television screen, listening
to her own heartbeat. It slowed from its previously manic
rate, becoming a gentle and regular thud in her chest
cavity. The sound of water running from the flat upstairs
was the only noise disturbing her self-inflicted silence.
She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
Turning to face the door, she knew he would not be coming
back. Mulder, as her lover, was no more.
Scully sighed and reached for the remote. The tears had
not arrived, but they would come in their own time. She
switched on the TV for company more than anything and
stared glassy-eyed at the nonsensical trash it showed in
the afternoon. Now she remembered why she had rarely taken
sick leave unless it was absolutely necessary. But today,
not even reruns of Sunset Beach could force her back to
that basement office.
When Mulder had finally asked her out on a proper date, she
had been as sceptical as normal. Don't read too much into
it, and don't let yourself believe it could work out. But
like all the fools who went before, she let herself fall in
love. She would wake up every morning thinking of him, and
on the rare occasions she didn't wake up beside him, she no
longer felt alone. It had been years since Scully had let
herself get so attached to anyone, on any level. And so,
for a few months, her rose-tinted world had been a special
kind of bliss.
Every girl knows dating one of your male friends,
particularly the closest one, is fraught with danger. God
knows, Scully had been through enough failed relationships
directly related to her career. Instructors, lecturers and
colleagues had all come to a painful conclusion. And for
years she had regarded Mulder as a devastatingly attractive
best friend, someone firmly off-limits. But when her
resolve was weak they had taken the plunge. No one had
been surprised, and everyone was full of congratulations.
If that was just for dating, Scully dreaded to think what
the reaction to marriage would have been.
Maybe that was the problem. There was too much depth
there; it could never be treated lightly. It was less
like starting on the fifteenth date, more like starting on
the fifteenth year. Not that Mulder took her for granted,
too often, but they missed out on the light-hearted phase
where they got to know each other. They already knew all
there was to know, and a few more tidbits besides. Once
they crossed that metaphorical line, they were straight
into a serious relationship. No time to reconsider, or
slow it down. It took seven years to get this far, how
could they act like school children? But the intensity had
only been one factor.
Men always tend to be looking for something other than a
girlfriend. Sometimes they needed more, other times they
wanted less. Daniel, for example had been married. He had
wanted a bit of fun, but then found himself craving the
commitment and shelter of a marriage. When he tried to
start controlling her life, Scully knew she had to follow
her instincts and join the FBI. It had broken her heart to
let him go, and seeing him after ten years hadn't helped.
She had wanted to be part of him, yet remain independent.
Daniel couldn't let her achieve that balance. Besides, the
guilt of being a mistress had never sat well with her
conscience.
Jack had been another great catch at the time. Again,
Scully had been sure he was 'the one', and their year
together had been less demanding than her time with Daniel.
Jack was older, and ultimately her superior, but gave her
the respect she desired. In the end, the spark just faded.
Once she had achieved he who was supposedly unattainable,
he started to lose his charm. The ordeal with his eventual
death had crushed her that little bit further, hardening
her heart to the past. She started to close out people
even then. She missed him now, but put part of that down
to the fact that so much had been left unsaid.
Ethan had been a casual affair that coincided with her
introduction to the X-Files. Her eagerness for her new
assignments had driven him away - he had wanted someone who
he could treat with nonchalance, who would also be at his
beck and call. Right from the start, their coupling was
doomed, but once again, Scully let her blind faith conceal
the truth. And once again, her heart had been broken.
Even her first proper relationship had been ended by a
conflict of needs. Her older boyfriend Philip had allowed
her to act more grown up than she was. He wanted someone
to dominate, and once again her headstrong nature put paid
to any chance they might have had. She knew it was all
down to fate, that she should never compromise her nature.
Daniel's reappearance had made her question the whole
notion of making choices. In every part of her life, she
had chosen to move on or to start again. That was exactly
what she had done with Mulder.
She had thought long and hard about her feelings for
Mulder. He was her best friend, and as pathetic as it
sounded she needed him. More importantly she trusted him
with anything. And so she had trusted him not to break her
heart. But trust causes too many complications when it
comes to love. And God knows, he carried enough guilt
about everything that had happened to Scully.
She had won her partner's trust, no easy task. This trust
was the most important thing in his existence, which was
perhaps why it had all gone wrong. Mulder had told Scully
he loved her at least a thousand times. But it was never
what he meant. To Mulder, Scully was compensation for all
the shit that had befallen him. Ever since Samantha had
been taken, he had been looking for someone to tell him the
truth. Scully had done that at last. She was a fantastic
friend to him, more than most people could ever hope for.
They were not constrained by the conventional platitudes of
mere friendship. But what Scully saw now was a harsh and
frightening truth. Mulder was not capable of the committed
romantic relationship he had tried so hard to give her.
What he wanted was a replacement for Sam. When she went,
so did the honest part of his life. The rejection from his
parents, and all the doors that had closed in his eager
face were beyond damaging. Although Scully had given him
back some human credentials, all those years would not be
dissolved by a sexual connection. Mulder was scarred for
life. In Scully he needed a lover, a friend and a family
all in one. But Scully could not live her life as a
replacement for his sister and mother. The expectation was
exorbitant, and eventually she would let him down. It
would never be intentional, but it was an inevitable
consequence of life. And today she acknowledged that she
had to release this, cut her losses. She could never be
fulfilled whilst living up to an impossible dream. Some
days it was hard enough to be Mulder's friend and
colleague.
In their brief spell as a couple, it had been wonderful.
Scully had almost forgotten what it was like to be loved in
that way. But like so many times before, the warning signs
had been there. From the pointless arguments to the
increasing silences, Scully saw the strain they were both
under. Certain comments Mulder made had triggered her
'replacement' theory. Everything built up to a point
whereby the harsh light of day finally penetrated her
dream.
So what now? After the scene with Mulder, she could
cheerfully hide under her duvet for the next hundred years.
He had looked so crestfallen at her outburst, and yet
relieved. Mulder had his work to keep him content for the
rest of his life. Scully would have to content herself
with that too. Yes, working on the X-Files would be
fulfilling, and she could resurrect her friendship with
Mulder. Luckily they had stopped in time. It would be
painful and perhaps a little awkward at first. But they
would muddle through somehow, as they always had in the
past.
On reflection, Scully mused that she would rather be shot
again than endure heartbreak like this. So, with as much
resolve as she could muster, she vowed this mistake would
be the last.
* * * * * * * * *
Some fools rave of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools themselves I guess
But they're not fooling me
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
* * * * * * * * * * *
Author: Dana E. Vassy
Rating: PG., for language and situations
Spoilers: Lazarus, all things, Never Again (I haven't even
seen it), Redux, Redux II, Orison, Milagro
Disclaimer: Do I seem rich enough to have the rights to
this merry bunch? Well, I won't be making any money out of
them now either. That said, Philip is and was mine. Sorry
for more Scully damage, but she offered to help with my
personal therapy. Well, I was drunk and I think that's
what the doll was saying...
Summary: Scully survives one heartbreak too many. She
realises that true love doesn't come without its price -
and even then it may not be worth the struggle. Look out
for depressed!Scully...Noromo friendly - sensitive shippers
beware
Feedback: Give Lola feedback! As her lawyer I *will* sue
you all...but on a nicer note PLEASE send to:
scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk
Song: 'Love Hurts' as performed by Elaine Paige. (shuttit
Lis) So sad, so true - so perfect for a breakup
Distribution: You want it, you got it - just tell me where
through the addy above ;0)
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Love hurts, love scorns
Love wounds and mourns
Any heart not tough
Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain
To take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
She sat staring at the blank television screen, listening
to her own heartbeat. It slowed from its previously manic
rate, becoming a gentle and regular thud in her chest
cavity. The sound of water running from the flat upstairs
was the only noise disturbing her self-inflicted silence.
She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
Turning to face the door, she knew he would not be coming
back. Mulder, as her lover, was no more.
Scully sighed and reached for the remote. The tears had
not arrived, but they would come in their own time. She
switched on the TV for company more than anything and
stared glassy-eyed at the nonsensical trash it showed in
the afternoon. Now she remembered why she had rarely taken
sick leave unless it was absolutely necessary. But today,
not even reruns of Sunset Beach could force her back to
that basement office.
When Mulder had finally asked her out on a proper date, she
had been as sceptical as normal. Don't read too much into
it, and don't let yourself believe it could work out. But
like all the fools who went before, she let herself fall in
love. She would wake up every morning thinking of him, and
on the rare occasions she didn't wake up beside him, she no
longer felt alone. It had been years since Scully had let
herself get so attached to anyone, on any level. And so,
for a few months, her rose-tinted world had been a special
kind of bliss.
Every girl knows dating one of your male friends,
particularly the closest one, is fraught with danger. God
knows, Scully had been through enough failed relationships
directly related to her career. Instructors, lecturers and
colleagues had all come to a painful conclusion. And for
years she had regarded Mulder as a devastatingly attractive
best friend, someone firmly off-limits. But when her
resolve was weak they had taken the plunge. No one had
been surprised, and everyone was full of congratulations.
If that was just for dating, Scully dreaded to think what
the reaction to marriage would have been.
Maybe that was the problem. There was too much depth
there; it could never be treated lightly. It was less
like starting on the fifteenth date, more like starting on
the fifteenth year. Not that Mulder took her for granted,
too often, but they missed out on the light-hearted phase
where they got to know each other. They already knew all
there was to know, and a few more tidbits besides. Once
they crossed that metaphorical line, they were straight
into a serious relationship. No time to reconsider, or
slow it down. It took seven years to get this far, how
could they act like school children? But the intensity had
only been one factor.
Men always tend to be looking for something other than a
girlfriend. Sometimes they needed more, other times they
wanted less. Daniel, for example had been married. He had
wanted a bit of fun, but then found himself craving the
commitment and shelter of a marriage. When he tried to
start controlling her life, Scully knew she had to follow
her instincts and join the FBI. It had broken her heart to
let him go, and seeing him after ten years hadn't helped.
She had wanted to be part of him, yet remain independent.
Daniel couldn't let her achieve that balance. Besides, the
guilt of being a mistress had never sat well with her
conscience.
Jack had been another great catch at the time. Again,
Scully had been sure he was 'the one', and their year
together had been less demanding than her time with Daniel.
Jack was older, and ultimately her superior, but gave her
the respect she desired. In the end, the spark just faded.
Once she had achieved he who was supposedly unattainable,
he started to lose his charm. The ordeal with his eventual
death had crushed her that little bit further, hardening
her heart to the past. She started to close out people
even then. She missed him now, but put part of that down
to the fact that so much had been left unsaid.
Ethan had been a casual affair that coincided with her
introduction to the X-Files. Her eagerness for her new
assignments had driven him away - he had wanted someone who
he could treat with nonchalance, who would also be at his
beck and call. Right from the start, their coupling was
doomed, but once again, Scully let her blind faith conceal
the truth. And once again, her heart had been broken.
Even her first proper relationship had been ended by a
conflict of needs. Her older boyfriend Philip had allowed
her to act more grown up than she was. He wanted someone
to dominate, and once again her headstrong nature put paid
to any chance they might have had. She knew it was all
down to fate, that she should never compromise her nature.
Daniel's reappearance had made her question the whole
notion of making choices. In every part of her life, she
had chosen to move on or to start again. That was exactly
what she had done with Mulder.
She had thought long and hard about her feelings for
Mulder. He was her best friend, and as pathetic as it
sounded she needed him. More importantly she trusted him
with anything. And so she had trusted him not to break her
heart. But trust causes too many complications when it
comes to love. And God knows, he carried enough guilt
about everything that had happened to Scully.
She had won her partner's trust, no easy task. This trust
was the most important thing in his existence, which was
perhaps why it had all gone wrong. Mulder had told Scully
he loved her at least a thousand times. But it was never
what he meant. To Mulder, Scully was compensation for all
the shit that had befallen him. Ever since Samantha had
been taken, he had been looking for someone to tell him the
truth. Scully had done that at last. She was a fantastic
friend to him, more than most people could ever hope for.
They were not constrained by the conventional platitudes of
mere friendship. But what Scully saw now was a harsh and
frightening truth. Mulder was not capable of the committed
romantic relationship he had tried so hard to give her.
What he wanted was a replacement for Sam. When she went,
so did the honest part of his life. The rejection from his
parents, and all the doors that had closed in his eager
face were beyond damaging. Although Scully had given him
back some human credentials, all those years would not be
dissolved by a sexual connection. Mulder was scarred for
life. In Scully he needed a lover, a friend and a family
all in one. But Scully could not live her life as a
replacement for his sister and mother. The expectation was
exorbitant, and eventually she would let him down. It
would never be intentional, but it was an inevitable
consequence of life. And today she acknowledged that she
had to release this, cut her losses. She could never be
fulfilled whilst living up to an impossible dream. Some
days it was hard enough to be Mulder's friend and
colleague.
In their brief spell as a couple, it had been wonderful.
Scully had almost forgotten what it was like to be loved in
that way. But like so many times before, the warning signs
had been there. From the pointless arguments to the
increasing silences, Scully saw the strain they were both
under. Certain comments Mulder made had triggered her
'replacement' theory. Everything built up to a point
whereby the harsh light of day finally penetrated her
dream.
So what now? After the scene with Mulder, she could
cheerfully hide under her duvet for the next hundred years.
He had looked so crestfallen at her outburst, and yet
relieved. Mulder had his work to keep him content for the
rest of his life. Scully would have to content herself
with that too. Yes, working on the X-Files would be
fulfilling, and she could resurrect her friendship with
Mulder. Luckily they had stopped in time. It would be
painful and perhaps a little awkward at first. But they
would muddle through somehow, as they always had in the
past.
On reflection, Scully mused that she would rather be shot
again than endure heartbreak like this. So, with as much
resolve as she could muster, she vowed this mistake would
be the last.
* * * * * * * * *
Some fools rave of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools themselves I guess
But they're not fooling me
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
* * * * * * * * * * *