Five Years

A/N: For those who haven't seen it, this story contains some spoilers from today's episode. Takes place just as Jason goes to leave Sam's office.

Jason started to walk out of Sam's office, trying and failing to keep the pain in his heart from consuming him. Sam had called him there to ask for a divorce. While he wasn't surprised by it, it didn't stop it from killing him inside. His wife didn't want to be married to him anymore. She wanted to be married to his brother, the brother she'd thought was him for the last few years. It was devastating. It was worse than anything he'd ever been through, with the exception of thinking Jake was dead. It was worse even than being locked in that clinic in Russia.

Jason grabbed ahold of the wall. The pain was so bad that it was physically affecting him. He felt like his legs were going to give out. It was just too much. He'd lost absolutely everything. His wife loved another man, his sons called that man 'dad', and he'd lost five years of his life.

Sam got up as soon as she saw Jason start to lose his balance. She immediately ran over to help him. "Jason! Jason, are you…"

Jason flinched away just as Sam went to touch his arm. "No, don't touch me!"

Sam immediately took a step back in shock. Jason had never reacted like that with her before. He'd never recoiled at her touch. She couldn't deny that it hurt that he did it now.

"I'm sorry. Just please, don't touch me," Jason said. His voice was softer, but riddled with pain.

"I…I just wanted to help you. You should come sit down," Sam said.

"No, I need to get out of here," Jason said. If he stayed her with her, it would only get worse. Every time he was around her, he felt like his chest was on fire.

"Jason, you nearly collapsed. You shouldn't leave until You're sure you're okay," Sam said.

"Damn it, Sam, being here is the reason I'm not okay!" Jason snapped before he could think straight enough to stop himself. "Sorry."

"I…I don't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry, but I love…"

"Please stop telling me how much you love him! Every time I see you, you say the same thing, and it kills me every time," Jason said.

Sam looked away. She didn't know what to say. It was the first time since he came back that Jason talked about how he felt. He told her he loved right before he started to leave today, but he didn't talk about his pain. He always said it was only how she felt that mattered. She knew better though. She knew he was in pain. She chose to ignore it because she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't know how to deal with him anymore.

"I know how you feel, so please, just stop saying it," Jason begged. He couldn't hear it even one more time. He would scream. Well, he supposed he just did.

"I'm not trying to hurt you by saying it. I just want you to know how I feel. Look, this whole thing is hard for me too," Sam said.

"Do you honestly think hearing how much you love him can do anything else but hurt me? Do think that the fact that you'll barely talk to me, and when you do, it's all about your love him doesn't hurt me. You can't even have a conversation with me without being forced," Jason said.

"That's not true," Sam said, though there wasn't much confidence in her reply.

"The first time you sought out to talk to me was to help Drew," Jason said.

Sam cringed. She still felt bad about doing that. It wasn't right for her to go to him knowing she was choosing Drew. "You said you understood that."

"I did, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Just like it hurts every time you talk to me, but you don't really. You talk about Drew and how much he's hurting and how much you love him. Of course, that's when you can't just walk away without talking to me at all. It's like I'm some ex that you can't stand and are forced to deal with," Jason said with pain in his voice.

Sam wanted to deny that was true, but she couldn't. She tried her best not to talk to him because she knew how much it would hurt. She knew it would take her back to the way things used to be and she didn't want to go there. It hurt too much. But she wasn't being fair. By refusing to deal with everything that happened five years and afterward, she was saying to Jason that it didn't matter. That he hadn't mattered to her. That she'd replaced him with Drew. She couldn't do that any longer, not to him or herself. She couldn't pretend that what happened five years ago didn't impact everything in their lives. "You don't know what it was like. It took everything I had just to survive each day. You know that I dove in after you. I searched for as long as I could, and even when I couldn't find you, I didn't give up. I was sure you were out there somewhere. Even when everyone else tried to convince me that you were dead. It took Faison admitting to kicking you into the harbor and watching you sink to the bottom.

Sam had to stop for a few moments. Tears were pouring down her face and she couldn't even speak coherently for a second. This was exactly what she was afraid of. "Then I had to not only face that you were gone, but I had to be a single mother. I had to look at Danny everyday and deal with the fact that he would never know you.

"I only got to be a father to Danny for a few hours. I missed everything in his life. I couldn't be there when he took his first steps or said his first word. I didn't get to walk him to his class on his first day of school. The worst part is that I don't even feel like that time has passed. It feels like just a few months for me," Jason said.

"Well, his first steps and first word weren't exactly a happy time. It was overshadowed by the fact that he was sick," Sam said.

"What?" Jason asked concerned.

"I assumed Carly or Sonny would've told you. Jason, Danny had Leukemia," Sam said as gently as she could.

"What? He had cancer?" Jason asked, suddenly frantic. His little boy was so sick he could've died. Was he okay now? Could the cancer come back?

"Yes, but he's okay now. He has to take tests every year, but so far, he's good," Sam assured him.

Jason leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. "I should've been there. They took everything to me. I couldn't even be with my son while he fought cancer."

Sam watched Jason fall apart as the realization of all he'd lost finally hit him. She hadn't really seen his pain before. She'd heard his story, but she didn't see his pain. She supposed he had tried to distance himself from it just like she had.

Sam went over and sat down next to Jason. "I wanted you there so badly. I prayed to have you there for us, knowing you couldn't be."

"I could've been. They took that chance from me. They took my life and gave it to him," Jason said with some resentment in his voice. He knew that Drew wasn't responsible, but a part of him couldn't help but hate his brother for taking what was his.

Sam felt an urge to defend Drew, but knew not to. Drew didn't have a place in this conversation. This was about her and Jason and what was taken from them. "I'm sorry. I couldn't deal with your pain before because I knew it would hurt me. That's why I tried to stay away from you."

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making you relive all this," Jason said.

Sam couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed ahold of her husband and started to cry. She knew he'd asked her not to touch him, but she had to. She'd finally let it all go, and in doing so, it finally became real to her that he was back. "I…I'm so glad you're back, Jason. I missed you so much."

Jason held her and cried with her.