I bite my lips, holding back the tears as the blade create a new cut. Crimson red blood pours from the opening and I grin at it. Pain. Beautiful.

I set my sai on the counter next to me. Blood stains the cool surface, leaving evidence of my self harm. Not that I care. Splinter and Leonardo already know. Donatello is on to me. Michelangelo is as clueless as ever.

I must have at least 20 scars, all hidden neatly under the white bandages that sense requires us to wear. I've always complained about how pointless they were. Little does he know the advantage they are to me.

I walk to the sink to rinse off my sai, no point in leaving blood on it. I watch the water as it devolves the red poison, wishing it could resolve me.

"Raph?! Raph where are you?" Shot. Leo.

My brother walks into the kitchen just as I was putting my sai in my belt. "What do ya want?" I demand bitterly.

Leo doesn't answer. He looks around the kitchen, eyeing the blood on the counter. Fuck, I forgot to clean it up.

"We're you cutting yourself again?" Leo asks me angrily. I don't answer.

He takes a step forward and grabs my left arm. I try to pull it away, but his grip is firm and hard. "Let go of me." I hiss. Leonardo looks up at me. "No." Not the answer I was expecting.

I watch as he unwraps the bandages. He sets them on the counter before examining my wrist.

His fingers trail down the scars. He looks shocked, but I know he ain't. He's known that I cut myself for a month and a half now. But he's never seen'm.

I didn't tell him about the cuts. I didn't tell Splinter, either. I didn't intend on either of them knowin', it just happened.

I don't know how on earth Sensei found out. One day he just approached me and asked if I hurt myself. I denied and lied. He saw right through my words.

A couple days later Leo came to me and asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. I knew right away what happened. Daddy told Leo. His precious little angel.

I don't know why I was so surprised that Leo knew, Splinter tells him everything. That goddamn bastard.

"Raph, why do you do this?" Fearless asks me. I snort.

My answer is a question. "Why do you drink that tea all the time?"

"Because it's good for me."

"Exactly." I grab the bandages off of the counter and retie them to my wrist.

I walk out of the kitchen, Leo following me.

"What do you want now?" My patience has grown thin and I'm about to strangle my older brother.

"Why do you do it, though? What drove you to this?" The question unsettles me. I can't tell him. If he knows he'll deny it and call me dramatic. Stupid. Weak. Worthless. All of the things I call myself.

The air becomes thin and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I look around rapidly, trying to find an exit. I need air. Air. Fresh air.

I run to the garage and hop onto my bike. Leonardo follows me, screaming. But I can't hear him. I can't hear or feel anything.

I strap on my helmet. Need air. Need air.

I rev up my bike and take off. I don't look back. I'll never look back.

/

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough.

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all