Lyrically Speaking, a csi fanfic

Title: Lyrically Speaking

Summary: When Grissom hears Sara singing in her apartment, he realizes that maybe he's hurt her more than he ever imagined...

Spoilers: "The Pilot"; "Cool Change"; "Too Tough to Die"; "Burden of Proof"

Disclaimer: Just got the fifth season on DVD today (yay!) but that doesn't mean that I own anything of value. Like the actual show and characters. And I also don't own Kelly Clarkson. Just her three CDs and tickets to a concert she cancelled.

A/N: My first song fic, so... good luck to me! I hope it isn't too hard on your reading... enjoy it! And, the story doesn't follow much of a timeline. Like, for Lindsey to be fourteen, it'd be in the sixth or seventh season, where there is an established relationship. As since there isn't, and she is still turning fourteen... no timeline exists. Read and enjoy!

Lyrically Speaking

They'd had yet another fight, over something small and stupid. He couldn't even remember what it was. They hadn't screamed or yelled, but they had raised their voices. They'd been in his office at the lab, with the door closed on their nosey coworkers.

Although she hadn't shouted, he really thought it would have been better if she had. Then maybe he wouldn't feel so bad now. But no, she hadn't screamed, only storming in with a fiery stare and a disappointed tone laced with anger.

He'd known right away that their conversation would not end well, as so many of their recent conversations had. He tried to keep it from going downhill by asking how her day had gone, and congratulating her on solving her case with Nick.

Only nodding in recognition, she had gotten straight to her point. It was an argument they'd been over a million times before, always ending with the same results. He didn't know why she thought this time would be any different.

She had argued against something he thought was right, and he had argued right back, stating his point. Her eyes filled with tears of hurt and anger, and she stood to leave. Seeing the tears and pain that he'd caused yet again, he could feel his heart breaking. Here she was; the woman that he loved, the woman he would always love, crying because of him. And all he could do was watch her walk away.

"Sara…"

"Goodnight, Grissom," she replied icily.

He watched as she strode purposefully out of the room. "Goodnight, Sara," he whispered to himself. Glancing at the piles of paperwork on his desk, he frowned. He had bigger problems to deal with.

Standing up slowly, he picked up his things and headed to the hallway, following Sara's echoing footsteps out the door.

OoOoOoO

Stopping at an electronic store was not something Gil Grissom did as a part of his regular routine for going home, but he needed to get Lindsey a present. Catherine's daughter was turning fourteen, and Grissom suspected that she needed an appropriate gift.

Not knowing what he should get her, Catherine had suggested a few things: the new Kelly Clarkson CD, make-up, or something else. The idea of buying make-up had scared him immensely, and 'something else' didn't help whatsoever. So he'd decided on the CD.

Walking into the store, he realized that he had no idea where to look. Pop/rock wasn't exactly his genre. Walking up to an employee, he asked for help.

"The new Kelly Clarkson CD? Right this way sir," the young man said, leading him to an area where CDs were stacked high. "You're in luck. We just received a new shipment last night." He pulled a CD from the nearest stack. "Here you are. Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway'."

Grissom nodded and took the CD from the man's outstretched hand. "Thanks."

"Oh, no problem sir," he replied. "Would you like to have a listen?" Before Grissom could react, the man had placed a demo into the stereo behind him and pressed play. "This is 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'. It's her current single."

Grissom nodded at the young woman's voice filled his ears. He was in a trance until the song ended. He could hear the pain in her voice, all the years of painful rejection and hurt. Did Sara sound like that? No. This is about Lindsey. Not Sara. He quickly pushed the image of Sara's crying and pained face from his mind to focus on the young sales rep.

"Sir?" He looked up. The salesman was staring at him.

"Yes, I'm sorry. What did you say?" Grissom asked, looking slightly embarrassed.

"I was wondering, were you planning on purchasing this CD?" The man pointed to the disc in Grissom's hand.

"Yes… yes. I would like to buy this." He allowed the clerk to lead him to the front counter.

As he was ringing up the purchase, the man looked up at Grissom and smiled. "You know, you don't seem like the typical Kelly Clarkson fan. Kind of surprising, actually."

Sighing distractedly, he pushed Sara's ever-present image from his brain again, trying to get it to concentrate on the man in front of him. "You know, it's not very nice to judge people before getting to know them. Don't judge a book by its cover, right?"

He knew using an older quote would go over the guy's head, so he didn't bother. He was tired and not in the mood to be explaining things. "And anyway, it isn't for me. It's for a friend's daughter."

Taking the paid for CD, he thanked the man and headed for the door.

OoOoOoO

It was around ten o'clock on Saturday morning when Grissom pulled up to Catherine's house. The door was opened immediately and he was met with Catherine's reddish-blonde hair and bright smile.

"Grissom! You came! Awesome. Come in, come in. You know where everything is… Lindsey!" she shouted. "Grissom is here, so come down!"

Lindsey came bounding down the stairs into the hallway, her blonde hair in a messy ponytail. "Grissom!" she greeted him, plopping down on the couch in the living room and inviting him to sit by her. "Hi!"

He smiled at her before sitting down next to her and presenting the gift. "Hey Linds. Happy fourteenth birthday."

Tearing into it, a smile that reminded Grissom so much of Catherine it was a bit disturbing formed on her face. "Kelly Clarkson! Thank-you!" She leaned into him and gave him a huge hug before running into the kitchen to show her mother. "Mom! Grissom got me Kelly Clarkson!" she told her. She ran quickly up the stairs towards her room.

Catherine walked into the living room holding two cups of freshly made coffee. "Well, she'll be in there for a while. Good." She smiled playfully.

Grissom attempted to return her smile, but couldn't find the energy. His mind was still reeling from the fight the night before, and his sleep had been plagued with much worse scenarios that could happen between him and Sara. Scenarios that he did not want to think about. Or dream about.

Catherine sensed that her friend was in pain. Sitting down gingerly next to him, she placed a hand on his knee. "Gil… I saw Sara walk into your office last night. What… what happened?"

"We had another fight," he admitted quietly.

She sighed. Why was he always doing this to himself? To Sara?

"Over what?" she asked quietly.

Grissom rubbed his temples; he could feel a headache coming on. "I don't even know. I can't remember. All I know is that it wasn't the first time we'd argued about it. It was something small, and stupid."

"Then why did you fight her? Why didn't you just let her win?" Catherine asked, amazed at how dense her friend could be around their colleague.

"Because she was wrong," he said, as if that explained everything. "And right now, it's how all of our interactions end up."

"Gil, you have to talk to her. Without turning it into a fight." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Tell her how you feel."

Grissom stared at her in disbelief. "Catherine, I can't do that. I can't talk to her. Come on. You know me better than anyone else."

She interrupted him. "Maybe you should give that privilege to Sara," she urged. "The privilege of knowing you."

"She won't like knowing me," he replied quietly. "I can always talk to anyone… but with Sara, my mind just goes blank, and I can't get anything right. And I don't feel anything for her… so there's nothing to tell."

Catherine laughed out loud. "Grissom, you cannot honestly tell me that you don't feel anything for Sara." Lindsey's door opened, and she came bounding down the stairs again.

Grissom stood up. He valued Catherine's friendship, but she just didn't get it. She didn't understand what Sara did to his mind and his body. He wasn't quite sure himself, but it looked like Catherine would be no help right now. And it seemed like he wouldn't be getting any other help anytime soon, either. If she couldn't help him, he doubted that anyone could.

"Catherine, I'd better go. Lindsey, have an awesome day."

She followed him to the door, out of earshot from her daughter. "Gil?" She fixed him with a serious stare, but with concern as well. "You can't honestly tell me you don't feel anything for Sara, can you?"

He shook his head no, unwilling to fight with her.

"Then go talk to her. Fix whatever you've done wrong. Make it better. Regain your friendship, at the very least. And," she paused to intensify her stare. "If that works, tell her that you love her. That you're in love with her. The chances of her feeling the same are very high in your favor. Just get it off of your chest."

The door closed, but Grissom stood rooted to the spot. Catherine had just said that he loved Sara. And that she probably loved him back. How could she say that, when he hadn't even admitted it to himself? Was he that obvious in his feelings? He really hoped that he wasn't.

OoOoOoO

On his way home, he found himself driving past Sara's apartment complex. Almost subconsciously, he drove into the parking lot. He held the keys to her building in his hands, thinking of when he'd received them.

When Holly was shot, he needed someone from the outside to conduct her investigation. Sara was the first to come to mind, and he didn't think twice about calling her for help, not knowing what would happen between them.

How could he have known that he would fall for her; so fast and so hard? How could he predict that she felt the same way, and was willing to act upon it? How could he have known in advance that by pushing her away, he'd screw up their friendship, maybe to the point of no salvation? He couldn't have. Maybe that was why he was so scared now.

She had come willingly to Las Vegas for him, dropping her life in San Francisco to come to his aid. He'd set her up in the apartment, and she had just never left. He was the only person she knew, so it was obvious that he'd have an extra set of her keys. He'd never used them before, not having a reason to. Until now.

Grissom was halfway up the stairs before he knew that he was out of his car. Moving slowly up the rest of the staircase, he tried to come up with an explanation as to why he was dropping this unexpected visit on her. He came up with nothing, and doubted himself for the briefest of moments before telling himself that a friend could visit a friend at any time. A voice in his head reminding him that he and Sara were no longer friends was silenced by the sound of his heart beating in his ears as he climbed.

Turning the last corner to her hallway, he heard music coming from one of the apartments. Walking down the hall, he paused when he realized that the music was coming from Sara's apartment. And the voice coming from the home was Sara's, not the singer's.

His heart swelled, and he smiled. Hearing Sara sing was a rarity, she never sang in the lab anymore. After Nick pointed out that he thought she had a good voice, she'd stopped, clearly embarrassed.

Personally, Grissom thought her voice was beautiful. She sounded to him like what an angel's voice would be. Clear and sweet, it swept through him like a welcome summer breeze.

He walked closer, trying to hear the words. Stopping short, he froze as the lyrics drifted through the door and the breeze suddenly no longer felt like the summer kind. They were the words to 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'.

"Seems like just yesterday / You were a part of me / I used to stand so tall / I used to be so strong / Your arms around me tight / Everything, it felt so right / Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong / Now I can't breathe / No, I can't sleep / I'm barely hanging on/

Here I am, once again / I'm torn into pieces / Can't deny it, can't pretend / Just thought you were the one / Broken up, deep inside / But you won't get to see the tears I cry / Behind these hazel eyes/"

Grissom deflated, and his heart broke. Sara was singing about a broken heart, and it was his entire fault. He was the only one who could have broken her heart so badly. He'd hurt her again, and he felt horrible. And he had no idea of how to fix it.

The music and Sara's voice drifted back into his head.

"I told you everything / Opened up and let you in / You made me feel alright / For once in my life / Now all that's left of me / Is what I pretend to be / So together, but so broken up inside / 'Cause I can't breathe / No, I can't sleep / I'm barely hangin' on/

He leaned against her front door, and felt tears threatening to overflow. Sara, his Sara, beautiful and intelligent, was in pain. He let out a heavy sigh.

"Swallow me then spit me out / For hating you, I blame myself / Seeing you it kills me now / No, I don't cry on the outside / Anymore... (anymore)/

The song ended, and Grissom stood up straight. He turned around and knocked tentatively on the door. "Sara…?" he called. He heard shuffling behind the door, and saw her shadow through the crack at the bottom of the door.

Then it opened, revealing a very unhappy Sara. She kept the chain on as she regarded him. "What do you want?" she asked coldly.

"Sara, I thought we could talk…" he began.

She slammed the door in his face, and he distinctly heard her shout "No" and "Go away". The song started again, and her voice filled the empty hallway.

Grissom fought the urge to just walk away. He couldn't do that to her, not again. He'd walked away too many times, and now he was going to change.

Knocking again, he called out, "Sara? Please open up? We need to talk. Well… I need to talk."

The singing stopped abruptly, leaving an eerie silence. The door opened – without the chain on this time – and she glared at him. "You need to talk? Grissom, you are the most unsociable person I know. And you coming here and telling me that you need to talk? I don't think so."

He looked away. She was right, and they both knew it. "Look, Sara, I came to apologize, and to see if we could talk some things out. Can I come in?" he explained, motioning behind her.

Sara sighed and rolled her eyes, but stepped back to let her into the apartment. "Fine."

"Thank you," he whispered, walking past her. His hand brushed her leg as he went in. If she noticed, she made no show of it. But his hand was tingling.

OoOoOoO

Sara had noticed his touch. Even if it had been accidental, it had sent what felt like an electrical current throughout her body. He hadn't touched her in such a long time… she'd almost forgotten what it felt like.

Grissom leaned awkwardly against her breakfast bar as she moved to the couch. "So Griss… why, exactly, are you here?" she asked, not bothering to hide her curiosity.

"I heard you singing. I think you should do it more often… you have an excellent voice," he said, avoiding her question.

She tried as best as she could to hide how happy she was at his compliment, but her brain and body just weren't working well together. She didn't want to admit what he could do to her with just a few words.

Trying to stay angry, she brushed it off. There would be time to bask in his compliments later; when she was alone. "Whatever. Why are you here?" Her voice came out cold and hostile. Just the way she wanted it to.

That was what broke Grissom. "Sara honey, don't do this to me. Don't be cold and far away. I feel so alone, I want you, and I… I need you." The words tumbled out of his mouth and into Sara's heart before his brain had registered them.

Sara sat frozen on the couch, her mouth slightly open. "You… what?"

"Wait, no, Sara… I… didn't mean… that didn't come out right…"

She looked back up at him, her eyes instantly full of tears. "You didn't what, Grissom!? You don't feel alone? You don't want me? Need me? You don't mean anything you just said!? Why do you do this to me? You move in, pretend that you care, and as soon as I do anything whatsoever that scares you – like maybe feeling the same way – you back right off, and leave me hanging! You just drop me like I don't matter, and go hide in your stupid little shell of isolation! My heart can't take anymore of this Grissom!" The tears had spilled from her eyes, and were racing each other down her cheeks.

Grissom was at her side in an instant. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her shaking body onto his lap.

Sara was too upset to fight back, and she let him pull her into him, surprised at how quickly and easily her body molded to his. Leaning into him, she let him try to soothe her.

"Sara, shh… it's okay… honey, I'm here. Just let it all out… it's okay…" Grissom held her tightly, slowly rocking them back and forth.

He didn't know how long they sat like that, but when her sobs turned into deep breaths and her body slumped against his, he knew that she had fallen asleep.

Leaning back on the couch, he shifted her to a more comfortable position on his lap. She needed to sleep; she was exhausted. And he wouldn't take the chance of waking her by attempting to carry her to bed. He'd stay with her here until she woke up.

OoOoOoO

When Sara woke up, she was disoriented and confused. What was Grissom doing here and why was she slumped all over him? When her brain registered that last thought, she struggled to disentangle herself from him. She pushed against his chest, but his arms, wrapped protectively around her, tightened their grip.

"Sara," he whispered. "Stop."

She stopped at the sound of his voice. "What are you doing here?" she asked quietly.

Grissom looked down at her. "Don't you remember what happened earlier?"

Shaking her head, she said, "Griss, I'm tired. And confused. Just explain, please." Showing just how tired she was, she let her head drop back onto his shoulder.

He sighed, and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Sara, we had a… disagreement, last night, after work –"

Sara sat up straight. "Work! Grissom, we've got to go! We're going to be late!"

She tried to stand up, but Grissom held onto her. "Sara! I called in sick. For both of us. Ecklie's not happy, but we'll deal with him later. And Catherine can deal with my job for a night. Right now, just listen to me!"

Sara stopped struggling, and leaned back into him. "But –"

"Sara. Stop. We had a fight, and you left upset. I went to Catherine's, to drop off Lindsey's present. She asked about us, and said that we should talk, try to fix some of our… problems. So I came here to apologize. I ended up saying some things I don't think I was ready to admit. Either to you or to myself. It resulted in making you angry, and upset. You ended up falling asleep. So here we are. Sound familiar?"

But she wasn't listening. She'd remembered the fight from the night before the moment he mentioned it, and the restless sleep that had followed. Then this morning, she'd turned to her music, hoping it would help her. Then Grissom had showed up, and it had gone from there.

As he'd been explaining why he was there, she'd been taking in everything about him that she could. One of her long-time fantasy/dreams had been fulfilled. She'd fallen asleep in his arms, and had woken up to find him still there. She was incredibly happy.

"Sara? Do you remember anything of what I just said?"

Sara stared up at him with compassion in her eyes. "Yeah, Griss, I do. And… I can't say that I understand your heart or your brain, but I'm trying to. Don't you see that?" Grissom nodded, and she continued, "Together we can make this work, I think. And… what I said earlier, about you not caring, I didn't mean it. I was just angry, and upset. Do you understand that?" He nodded again, slower this time. "Good. Then I just need to know one thing. When you said that you were alone, and that you wanted and needed me… were you telling the truth? And that you… us…" She took a deep breath, "You want us to work…?"

He ran a hand slowly down her back, drawing meaningless designs. "Yes, Sara…" he paused, and she put a reassuring hand over his free one. "I'm sorry; I'm not good at this. You… you're what I've always wanted. I could never tell you, because I was - am afraid. Of what would happen if I gave into… how much you mean to me. Sara, I am still scared. I don't think I'm good enough for you. You deserve someone younger, someone who could take care of you, someone who…" he trailed off.

"Someone I could care more about?" she supplied. "Someone who could care more about me? That won't happen. 'Cause I know that there isn't anyone I could care more about. Can you think of someone caring more about me than you do?"

Grissom stopped drawing his meaningless designs on her back to cup her face within his hands. "No. No one could feel the same way I do about you. No one."

Sara grinned at him. "Griss, I've never loved someone more than I love you. And, you have nothing to be afraid of." She squeezed his hand for reassurance. "I won't ever leave you. From when we first met in San Francisco, I've never seen anyone the same way. Every date I went out on – which wasn't many – I always compared him to you. They never measured up. It's hard you know, dating a guy when he's not the one you're in love with."

He stared at her, hope and shock flitting across his features.

"Yes, I did say that. I don't care if you don't think you're good enough for me. I know that you are. And you'll take care of me just fine… when I let you." She laughed and laced her fingers through his. "You're the one that I want, the one that I love."

"I feel the same way," he whispered into her hair, pulling her closer to him.

Grissom pushed her hair out of her face and leaned slowly down to kiss her, not wanting to startle her. When she didn't resist, he brought his lips down onto hers. Letting go of her hands, his found their way around her waist again, pulling her even closer.

She let out a small strangled sound, and he let go immediately, pulling away from her. "I'm s-s-sorry, Sara," he stammered. "It was too fast… I shouldn't of…"

She shushed him by putting a finger to his lips. Instead of being angry, she laughed. "It wasn't that," she assured him. "It was your hands. They're cold."

Looking over her shoulder, he grinned a little. "Oh," he said, embarrassed. "I'm sorry." His hands had been covering the skin on her back uncovered by her shirt and the top of her jeans.

Grinning back at him, Sara took his hands in hers and moved them higher up, towards her hair. "Keep them there," she playfully warned him, "and we'll be okay."

Leaning back into him, she let out a sigh. "Better?" he asked her softly.

"So much better," she answered, moving in for another kiss.

OoOoOoO

Hours later, Sara and Grissom were still sitting on her couch, unmoving. Neither of them wanted to move, much less go to work. They wanted to stay wrapped in each other forever. But Grissom knew that time was slowly creeping up on them, and that they should both probably eat something before going in.

Sara put her head down on his chest, and he began stroking her hair. "C'mon, I'll take you out to dinner before next shift." When she started to protest, he quieted her with a kiss. "If we are going to do this, we're going to do it properly."

Smiling into his kiss, she pulled back. "You're old fashioned," she teased, reminding him of the first time he'd seen her in Vegas.

"That sounds like something you told me once before," he teased back.

"That time, I said you were old school, not old fashioned. And that was because you were tossing simulation dummies off of a hotel. It was no reference whatsoever to the way you date. I didn't know then."

"Okay," he said, pulling her into a standing position. "Have any preference… because of your vegetarianism?"

"You remembered!" she said happily, letting him lead her out of her apartment.

"Of course I did. After what happened the last time I forgot…" he trailed off, afraid that he'd treaded onto difficult territory.

"It's okay," she told him quietly. "We're past it now."

They walked in silence towards his car, but Sara spoke up before they climbed in. "Grissom?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"You love me, right? And you're at least willing to give 'us' a try? So… do you think that we can make this work?"

Grissom gathered her into his arms. "I will do everything I can to make this work. We have something, you and I… and I want it to work. I promise. And yes, Sara Sidle, I do love you. Very much. I always have."

-End-